T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

I am asking for everyone's help. I have rewritten a poem that is a dedication to Mari. If everyone could please read it and give me their comments, I would appreciate it more than you know. I have also put "T'was the Night Before Christmas" below my poem so you can put them side by side. My hope is that you feel my poem matches up with this poem. Thanks in advance for everyone's help with this. Kristena

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.


Now the other poem:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

To The Love Of My Life - married 15 years February 18

To the man I love
You are my partner, my friend
You are the one I choose
to not live my life without

You have become my everything
I don’t know exactly when this happened
But you are why I am here today

You have shown me
what patience looks like
You have shown me what true
unconditional love really is
You have shown me that God
really does work in mysterious ways

Mari is gone and you are here
We are here
We are there for each other
in both the good days and the bad
When trouble comes you have been my rock,
my foundation which I stand

You have shown me faith
like no other could have
When we were at our lowest
you still turned to God
When most others would have
turned the other way

This is the picture of true love
Thank you for showing me
how to love like no other could have

On this earth we don’t know
when our time is up;
when it is our time
to go see the Lord

On this earth our time together
will seem like it can last forever
God only knows how long
this will truly be

The reality is no matter if we both live until tomorrow
or for another 50 years,
it is only a blink of an eye for God
The only thing we have is
eternity together beside our Lord

I can honestly say I would not
want it any other way
I love you Keith
I love you

Music of the Heart

I was not sure if I could handle going back to church this morning. I have tried two times since Mari passed. Each time I could not make it through. I sit here writing this as those around me are signing. Singing was one of the things I used to love to do in church. It meant so much to me and I put my heart and soul into it. I just can’t seem to do that. Singing has always meant so much to me. In my high school youth group is where I was introduced to contemporary Christian songs. I am so thankful I was 20 years ago as it has forever been a part of my life, and it has grown into a true love for music as the words are some of the most heartfelt words about our Lord and those around us. I think this is why they are so incredibly hard for me to sing. They truly have always touched me in the very bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. One day I know I will be able to sing them again, just not today.

Mari's Crayons

I sit here in church today just hoping I will make it through. I found Mari’s crayons she used to color with in my Bible bag this morning. The bag was on the very top shelf of our bedroom closet. Just imagine, it was as if there were dust atop the bag as it had been up on that shelf since we moved into our home in September. I went through the bag just to make sure of what was in there. There they sat; her crayons. When we used to go to church with Mari in tow this is partly how we could keep her entertained during the church service until she was released for the children’s portion during the sermon. The last time I used this bag was in our Burbank home. Her crayons were there so you know I have not touched this bag since before she died. In the back of my notebook that I use are a bunch of her drawings she would draw while she was bored in church. There are her little people, her name as she wrote it, her numbers 1-5, and mnay other little things she felt were so interesting to her. When I found the drawings this morning it brought me back to my precious little angel as I can see her making her little noises as she draws. They are and forever will be precious to me and those who knew her personally.

Wonder and Confusion For What Life Brings Us

Today is a day of wonder and confusion. Earlier this week Keith and I had another tragedy happen in our lives. If you have been on Facebook, and you are one of my “friends” on there, then you know what has happened.

The tragedies started 8 months ago and ended on Mari’s 8 month mark of being gone (February 16). In the past 8 months, we have lost Mari, we found out a little over a month ago that Keith’s dad has prostate cancer and then at the end of last month that it is moderately aggressive prostate cancer, and now the most recent.

Keith’s previous first sergeant and his wife were found dead in their home on Monday, February 16 from carbon monoxide. Their names are Anthony and Anita Wilcox. Keith had found out about 3:30pm, approximately 2 hours after they found them in their home. He had tried to get a hold of me around 4pm. He sent me a text message at 4:04pm saying, “911 call me asap.” Keith has never sent me a message like this. By this point I was already in my Biology class for the day. My phone was on vibrate. I never felt it.

I called Keith like I normally do as soon as I get out of class at 6:18 pm. He wanted to know where I was. I told him I had just gotten out of class. He asked if I was on my way home. I said yes. He said he was going to the store and asked if I wanted anything. I told him to get me anything but Hot Tamales (I have had those the last few times and I am kind of tired of them). He said ok. He never mentioned anything to me. So I got off the phone with him. Then a few minutes later I noticed that I had a missed text message. When I read the message I was almost to my van. I thought it was strange and I that he did not say anything to overly important when we talked. So I called him right back and asked him about it. He said that it involved the Army but he did not want to talk about it over the phone. He would talk to me as soon as I got home. He asked again if I was on my way home and I told him I was in the van driving right then. So we said I love you and good bye.

Now I was both concerned and nervous for what he had to tell me. I figured it someone was under investigation or maybe it had to do with the possibility of us becoming stationed at Ft. Knox, Kentucky or something like that. This happens sometimes and he just did not feel comfortable talking about it over a telephone. So I called his mom to see if Keith had talked to her. Not so much to see if she would tell me what was going on but to see if she knew anything so to help calm my nerves. She said no that he had not. So I talked with her a few more minutes and then we hung up.

For the rest of the way home I listened to my audio recording for The Road and was in complete wonder with my stomach getting upset over what he had to tell me. When I got home Keith was on the phone with his father. I tried to get him off but his dad needed to talk to him about something. I think he was on the phone for about 5 to 10 more minutes. In the mean time I am just wanting to know what Keith has to say to me. He FINALLY gets off the phone (It just felt like forever to me even though it was a few minutes) and I immediately pounds, so to speak, to find out what he needed to tell me.

He told me that Anita and Anthony had been found dead in their home. When I heard him tell me this it was almost like it was a bad dream, another nightmare we were about to start living again. I just could not be true. I even said, “They are REALLY dead?” And he said, “Yes.” At first I was just in complete shock. I just could not believe what I had just heard. And then it just turned into hysterical crying. The belief for what had just happened was so unreal to me. I mean, how could this be? How could these two people be gone?

They are two of the most wonderful people anyone could ever have met. When Mari was both in the hospital and then when she passed away, Anthony and Keith’s company commander Raina were really there for us. The two of them, in a way, became a part of our family. I can remember Anita at my husband’s mom’s house after we all had gotten back from the cemetery. There was a little group of us just talking. It was me, my best friend Shelly, I think Missy (a family friend), and Anita all just stood there talking. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about but she was just her normal everyday self. The most kind, unselfish person you could meet.

When I talk to my friend Shelly a few days ago asking if she remembered her, she asked me if she was the woman with the hot pink nails. I said, “Yup, that was her.” Anita was always so nicely dressed, with just the right outfit on, her hair done just so, and her nails looking fantastic. That was Anita. She was a small, petite woman with a heart of gold. Anthony reminds me of the jolly old elf. I hardly ever remember a time when he did not have a smile on his face. He probably even had a smile on when he was disciplining someone because he was just the most happy person one could meet.

Anthony and Anita are going to be so missed and such a void left behind where these two were. Anthony had just turned 43 on January 26 and Anita was 44 with her birthday coming up on June 10. They had been married for 22 years and have three beautiful children. All three are in college with the youngest having just graduated from high school last year. If you believe in prayer, please pray for these three children because it is hard enough to lose one parent but they lost both at the same time. Please also pray that their college will be able to be taken care of so that they do not have to worry about how to come up with the expense of trying to go while having had lost their parents.

We will miss you Anthony and Anita and please just know you are loved. I am sure Mari was up there waiting for you with open arms. She probably became your tour guide to show you around your new home up there in heaven. Please take care of my baby girl as we miss her so much. We love you guys.