Suddenly and Out of the Blue, It Hits You

Tonight happens to be a hard night for me. It just literally came out the blue.

Today seemed to be going fine. I have been working on my new website I hope to have up and running within the next month. I was watching my third movie for the day. All of the movies I watched today have been all happy, feel good movies.

Keith and I were having a DiGiorno Garlic Bread Pepperoni pizza. I had just taken it out of the oven. And then I started thinking about when we lived in the house just previous to where we live now. I was thinking back the time when I would call up Keith’s mom and see if she wanted to go grocery shopping with me at Super Wal-Mart. It was down by her but it was the only Super Wal-Mart by us. She usually said yes. I would always go when Mari was in school as it was just easier to go when she was not around.

Mari always had to have her way. If we went by the book section, she had to get a book. If we went by the DVD section, she always had to get a DVD. If we went by the toy section, she always had to get a toy; whether it was a Dora toy, Diego toy, Backyardigans toy, or whatever suited her that day. She had to have her way or else you heard about it LOUD AND CLEAR. Sometimes her temper tantrums were overwhelming.

This is what I was thinking about as I was taking the pizza out of the oven tonight. And all of a sudden it was just completely overwhelming. I was overthrown with the tears that came out of me. My dog Cody heard me sobbingly crying in the kitchen and came up to my feet. I decided to sit down right then and there and just have him sit on my lap while I sat there crying. It was just so overwhelming the emotions of how suddenly I was missing her, and just how utterly empty I feel inside without her here. The sadness I feel is indescribable and yet I sit here trying to understand it myself how I feel. I just can’t and yet it is still there. It is hard to describe the emptiness a parent feels once they have lost a child. It does not matter who is around you or what people do or say, you still feel completely lonely without them.

I love you Mari and miss you so much. Just know I think about every day. You are and will forever be a very important part of my life and someday soon, only God knows when, we will see each other again. I love you baby girl. Mommy