Thinking about Mari

I was just sitting here tonight thinking about Mari. Keith and I went to a new grief support group specifically for parents who have lost a child they were still raising, so the child they lost are under 18 for the most part.

It was nice to go to a group that for the first time truly understood what it was like to lose a child well before their time. Most of the children seemed to have died from a disease like cancer or a sudden death. Mari’s is still hard for me to classify as it was not sudden but it also did not last month’s either. But I guess the point is that it is nice to connect to other parents who have been either where I am now or that maybe, just maybe, I can be there for a parent who has yet to be where I am at now.

It seems that that first year without Mari there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. There just seemed to be utter darkness and I may have even been pretty severely depressed. But now the summer is over. Both of my nieces came out to visit this summer, at different times, but it was nice to have them here and having them here enabled me to be distracted from always thinking about Mari. It’s not that I didn’t think about here, because obviously I did. However, it was not as acute as before. And now that we have passed over the 1 year hump, the 1 year mark of her being gone (I hate to say anniversary as that always signifies to me haplessness and there is nothing happy about Mari being gone), I can honestly say that I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not cry like I used to. I still have moments. But they seem to be fewer and fewer. Yesterday I was doing my business and I was on the phone setting an appointment with a prospect when at the end of our conversation I ended up just starting to cry. I cried and cried and cried. I finally got ahold of a friend who just listened. It is times like these that I just miss her so much. But then I was able to pull myself back together and I was able to carry on with my day.

Tonight at our group, I just realized how truly happy and lucky I am to have Keith in my life. I realize that by no means do we grieve alike (in that area we are eons apart) but that is ok because we are there for each other in the ways the other one needs. Keith needs the physical side of things like cuddling and what not and I need the emotional like him coming to the group meeting tonight when I know he hates going to those kinds of things. I guess for us, it was a good thing that our marriage was as strong and solid as it was before Mari passed or I have a feelings that things would not be as good as they are right now. I mean, don’t get me wrong. We still have our fights and we can really get into it sometimes. But over all we are truly there for each other when it counts the most.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you so much.

Love Mommy