Thanksgiving

(This was actually written on November 26, 2009, Thanksgiving Day, but I have not been able to post it before now.)

Thanksgiving is a day where families and loved ones come together to spend time with one another. It’s a day I do not look forward to.

I used to love this time of year. When anyone first arrives, everyone wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving. Most are genuine while some it’s just what you are supposed to say this day. Like last year, I will nod my head in acknowledgement but I won’t say it back. I feel that saying “it” would be ungenuine on my part and why say something you really don’t mean. Please don’t get me wrong. I love Keith’s family with all my heart; I just don’t feel thankful without having Mar-Mar here. This day makes me just miss her more.

The thing I personally loved the most about Thanksgiving in the past was making my homemade pies. I would make everything from scratch to the best of my ability, to include the best tasting pie crust. I have always loved to make pies since I made my first one as an adult. People tell me they taste great. But to make them for this day is a whole other ball of wax. It means I would be making them to say I was thankful for the day when I am not. So this year we went to Dominick’s and purchased Sara Lee frozen pies: 2 pumpkin, 1 apple, and 1 cherry. I’m sure they will be just fine but I certainly did not feel like making them.

If I had my way, we would not even be going. All I get to do is go over to Keith’s parent’s house and put a fake smile on my face all day. We won’t talk about Mari. I feel like if we talk about Mari, everyone thinks I will fall apart and break like a porcelain doll because I cry. Keith and his family do not like to show emotions. That’s how they were all raised. However, I was raised that crying is just something you do. I cry when I get angry. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m happy. I guess you could say it is how I show my emotions. Whereas I know Keith and his family are truly uncomfortable with that and become uncomfortable around those who do. You can’t fault them for this and this makes them who they are and I love every last one of them. But for me it means I have to put on my fake smile and pretend I am happy to be there when in reality I would rather just stay home for the day.

Now it comes down to eating dinner. Everyone gathers around the dining room table and says what they’re thankful for. Well, I HATE this part now. I HATE it with a passion. To say I am thankful is like I am saying I am “thankful” that Mari is gone. I tend to replace the word “thankful” with “grateful” instead. I know the word is a subtle difference but I can honestly say things I am grateful for. I have been able to say I am grateful I am still here and making it through without Mari being here with us. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. However, in no way shape or form am I thankful for that as I want Mari here with me instead. I hope I am making sense.

The rest of the day will consist of being around each other, talking and doing whatever. Personally, I can’t wait until we are back home again by ourselves and we still have a little over an hour before we even will get there.

So, personally, I will wish everyone a very Grateful day.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you so much.

Love, Mommy