Mother's Day is Here

Well, it is officially Mother’s Day. A day of celebrating our mother’s or to be celebrated by our children. Today should be a day of utter happiness and excitement. To be remember for just being the women who are loved by those around us.

If Mari was here today she would not even understand what today was. Keith would be the one to go and get me a gift and say it was from Mari. Mari would just be her normal, everyday self not realizing that it’s a day to celebrate me. A day to say, “I love you mommy and I am so glad that God gave you to me.” She would never have understood the importance of today. Yet, me as her mommy, I was so incredibly gifted to have her in my life. She brought us so much pain and so much joy, so much heartache and so much sheer excitement. So much of just everything.

Mari had severe autism and yet somehow everyone she has ever touched in her life fell in love with her. No one could resist that beautiful smile.

I had a friend last night ask if I was going to visit her grave today. To be honest, I had not even thought about it. I just don’t know if that would help me today. To know she is not here is so unbearable sometimes. I just miss her so much. Yet we add the icing on the cake today and it is Mother’s Day. A day for her to remember me. Just a day to be remembered as mothers.

The realization sometimes that Mari is not longer here just seems like I am living a nightmare. I went to bed last night and said to myself, “Please let this all just be a bad nightmare and when I wake up in the morning let Mari be here.” Of course she was not but I hope for that all the time. Then today comes and it is all the more acute.

I just miss her so much. I love you baby girl.

It's coming...

I have really tried not to think about it. Yet it is coming. I don’t want it to come. Yet friends keep reminding me. I wish it would just go away. Yet I receive a letter in the mail to say I am being thought about during it.

MOTHER’S DAY!!

Mother’s Day is coming whether I want it to or not. It is supposed to be a time of celebration for being a mother. Our Mothers, Grandmothers, Great-Grandmothers, and sometimes even Great-Great-Grandmothers are all remember this day and celebrated as the ones we love.

Then there are those that are the mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and great-great-grandmothers where it is our special day. It is the day created because we have the privilege of being mothers.

Then there are those mothers like myself that all this day will bring is utter sadness. It will not be a day of joy and celebration because my daughter was ripped from me. I am no longer a mother here on this earth. Yes, I am a mother of a child but that child is no here on this earth. She is up in heaven. Mari is gone.

All I get to do this day is remember that I no longer have my precious baby girl here on this earth with me. She is gone and yet I get the bittersweet memories of her being her just last year to now having her gone for this year. I wish it would just go away.

I know that Mother’s Day is a special day for mothers but I just wish it would not come this year. I probably wish it would permanently go away but no matter how much wishing I do I know it will continue to come every year anyway.

I miss you MarMar. I love you baby girl.

Shopping...

Keith and I were just sitting here discussing how there is hardly any food in the house. I don’t do the grocery shopping like I used to any more. It’s typically just me at home in the house most of the time. Keith is at work ridiculously long hours Monday through Friday, and then sometimes even on Saturday, especially right now that he is acting first sergeant of his company while his first sergeant is off at first sergeant school. So, my line of thinking is why do we need that much food in the house all of the time if it is just me.

Then it got me to thinking about why don’t I go shopping more. I used to go shopping every two weeks when Keith would get paid. I would stock up on all the things we needed all the time. We always had a ton of food. It seems like we used to go through a minimum of 4 loaves of bread about every two weeks because Mari’s staple for at least one meal a day, sometimes two was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We were always surprised at how she never got tired of them.

But now anytime I go into any store it seems like I can always find something that either reminds me of Mari or find something that I would have bought for her if she was still here. For example, going into Walgreens, I could find a toy from the movie “Cars” or maybe a DVD she would have liked. The grocery store is a little better but I hardly ever go to an actual grocery story. I typically just go to Target since they have a mini grocery store there, they just don’t have fresh fruits, veggies, or meats. It is a smaller selection but it works for us.

The problem with going into Target is you almost instantly run into the kids clothing department, or you go by the toy department, or the kids shoes, or even just see the DVD section with her favorite movies like “Cars.” It is always there where we go. It does not matter the store, it is just there. The reminders and things I would have bought for her.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a shop-a-holic (like someone who is an alcoholic only I have spending issues). I hardly go shopping now. It’s not that it is under control it is just that is it so hard to see everything that brings me to thinking about Mari. I don’t know when or if this will ever stop but I know as of right now it is still so fresh in my mind. She would probably be fitting fully into her size 7 clothes that had been almost too big for her last summer, and yet she never will now.

All I know is that I miss her so desperately. I love you baby girl.

Pictures...

Today I sit here thinking about my wonderful husband. He has been my rock through all of this. He has been the one to help get me through. Keith has been my everything and I am sure he will continue to be for many years to come.

Today has been a good day for me. I have not cried and I have not felt as sad as I normally am. This is a good thing.


The two paragraphs above were written yesterday.

Pictures. All of a sudden I am sitting here thinking about pictures. I started to think about pictures because of my profile pictures I have on Facebook. I initially had a pictures of me, Keith and Mari together. Recently I changed it to a picture of just me. Then that got me to thinking. I was thinking about one of the last time I had had a picture taken of me by myself. It has been several years. Then I got to thinking about when that exactly was. I think the last time I had a professional picture taken of me by myself is before we had Mari. I would have our family picture done, but that only consisted of Keith and I. We would have a couple together and then we would have one done of each one of us by ourselves. I would always stick the one of us together in the middle and then our individual pictures on the other side. We have not done that in years.

With Mari, the focus has always been Mari. One time Keith and I took a picture of us together but we also had two family pictures and pictures of Mari by herself along with Keith and I each being alone with Mari.

Now we have to go back to having a family picture done of us just the two of us again. How does this seem right. It just doesn’t. I am at such a loss. I was sitting her playing on Facebook and just procrastinating on getting to my homework and then for some reason I started thinking about my profile pic.

I have had our family pictures done almost every year right around Christmas time so that I can send everyone an updated picture of us for the year. December 2007 we were moving and I just said we would do it next year. Now there is now next year. Mari is gone. Now we HAVE to go back to the way we used to do it. I cannot stand that.

I think when we go to get our first family picture done without Mari that I may bring a picture of her along with us as in my heart and my mind she will just be our little angel there with us. I just miss her so much. I love you baby girl.