Loneliness

Today is a day of utter loneliness. I can’t explain it. All I want to do is just sit here and cry. I am at home all alone. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone yet I wish someone was here. Keith is at work. Those that I do call are either not answering their phones or they are out and about running errands. I know it is not anyone’s job to keep me company or help me to feel better. I just wish I did not feel so lonely. The loneliness goes clear to the very bottom of my heart, the depths of my soul. I can’t concentrate on anything else. I just sit here crying. I know ultimately it has to be because I miss Mari so very much but at the same time there is not a specific thing that is making me feel lonely. I just am.

Those around you try to comfort you but they really don’t know what to say or do. Either they tell you they don’t know what to say or they just simply ignore you as they are afraid I might be a porcelain doll or something that might break.

I sit here during the day trying to distract myself by playing around on Facebook most of the time. I don’t do my homework like I am supposed to (although I am getting all A’s in my classes at this point). I am supposed to graduate in May with my graduation ceremony being on May 16th. I started going to school after Mari died so I could finally feel like I accomplished something and since I have been going on and off to school since 1995. I will finally be graduating with my associates in business.

I had decided many years ago that I wanted my accounting degree. My husband thought I was nuts (as do most people) as he thinks accounting is boring, tedious, and simply does not understand it. Whereas I LOVE accounting. I understand it and it comes so naturally for me. I love to do budgets and balancing things. But school has been the hardest it has ever been for me in the last 7 months. I just do not have the concentration I need to keep my focus going.

I am supposed to finish my final from LAST semester for Statistics because I feel apart in the middle of taking it at the end of last semester. I could not finish it. The professor gave me an incomplete and I am supposed to take it this semester at some point. I just can’t seem to concentrate enough to even study for it.

I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Why can’t I do something as simple as studying for my classes? You would think that it would keep me distracted from the obvious loss but it doesn’t.

I only have a month left of school and then I will be taking a break most classes. I am going to take another creative writing class but this time it is about poetry. I am looking forward to that and it will give me something to do.

Mari, please know how very much mommy misses you. I wish you were here and someday (only God knows when) we will be reunited again. I love you baby girl.