To The Love Of My Life - married 15 years February 18

To the man I love
You are my partner, my friend
You are the one I choose
to not live my life without

You have become my everything
I don’t know exactly when this happened
But you are why I am here today

You have shown me
what patience looks like
You have shown me what true
unconditional love really is
You have shown me that God
really does work in mysterious ways

Mari is gone and you are here
We are here
We are there for each other
in both the good days and the bad
When trouble comes you have been my rock,
my foundation which I stand

You have shown me faith
like no other could have
When we were at our lowest
you still turned to God
When most others would have
turned the other way

This is the picture of true love
Thank you for showing me
how to love like no other could have

On this earth we don’t know
when our time is up;
when it is our time
to go see the Lord

On this earth our time together
will seem like it can last forever
God only knows how long
this will truly be

The reality is no matter if we both live until tomorrow
or for another 50 years,
it is only a blink of an eye for God
The only thing we have is
eternity together beside our Lord

I can honestly say I would not
want it any other way
I love you Keith
I love you

Music of the Heart

I was not sure if I could handle going back to church this morning. I have tried two times since Mari passed. Each time I could not make it through. I sit here writing this as those around me are signing. Singing was one of the things I used to love to do in church. It meant so much to me and I put my heart and soul into it. I just can’t seem to do that. Singing has always meant so much to me. In my high school youth group is where I was introduced to contemporary Christian songs. I am so thankful I was 20 years ago as it has forever been a part of my life, and it has grown into a true love for music as the words are some of the most heartfelt words about our Lord and those around us. I think this is why they are so incredibly hard for me to sing. They truly have always touched me in the very bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. One day I know I will be able to sing them again, just not today.

Mari's Crayons

I sit here in church today just hoping I will make it through. I found Mari’s crayons she used to color with in my Bible bag this morning. The bag was on the very top shelf of our bedroom closet. Just imagine, it was as if there were dust atop the bag as it had been up on that shelf since we moved into our home in September. I went through the bag just to make sure of what was in there. There they sat; her crayons. When we used to go to church with Mari in tow this is partly how we could keep her entertained during the church service until she was released for the children’s portion during the sermon. The last time I used this bag was in our Burbank home. Her crayons were there so you know I have not touched this bag since before she died. In the back of my notebook that I use are a bunch of her drawings she would draw while she was bored in church. There are her little people, her name as she wrote it, her numbers 1-5, and mnay other little things she felt were so interesting to her. When I found the drawings this morning it brought me back to my precious little angel as I can see her making her little noises as she draws. They are and forever will be precious to me and those who knew her personally.

Wonder and Confusion For What Life Brings Us

Today is a day of wonder and confusion. Earlier this week Keith and I had another tragedy happen in our lives. If you have been on Facebook, and you are one of my “friends” on there, then you know what has happened.

The tragedies started 8 months ago and ended on Mari’s 8 month mark of being gone (February 16). In the past 8 months, we have lost Mari, we found out a little over a month ago that Keith’s dad has prostate cancer and then at the end of last month that it is moderately aggressive prostate cancer, and now the most recent.

Keith’s previous first sergeant and his wife were found dead in their home on Monday, February 16 from carbon monoxide. Their names are Anthony and Anita Wilcox. Keith had found out about 3:30pm, approximately 2 hours after they found them in their home. He had tried to get a hold of me around 4pm. He sent me a text message at 4:04pm saying, “911 call me asap.” Keith has never sent me a message like this. By this point I was already in my Biology class for the day. My phone was on vibrate. I never felt it.

I called Keith like I normally do as soon as I get out of class at 6:18 pm. He wanted to know where I was. I told him I had just gotten out of class. He asked if I was on my way home. I said yes. He said he was going to the store and asked if I wanted anything. I told him to get me anything but Hot Tamales (I have had those the last few times and I am kind of tired of them). He said ok. He never mentioned anything to me. So I got off the phone with him. Then a few minutes later I noticed that I had a missed text message. When I read the message I was almost to my van. I thought it was strange and I that he did not say anything to overly important when we talked. So I called him right back and asked him about it. He said that it involved the Army but he did not want to talk about it over the phone. He would talk to me as soon as I got home. He asked again if I was on my way home and I told him I was in the van driving right then. So we said I love you and good bye.

Now I was both concerned and nervous for what he had to tell me. I figured it someone was under investigation or maybe it had to do with the possibility of us becoming stationed at Ft. Knox, Kentucky or something like that. This happens sometimes and he just did not feel comfortable talking about it over a telephone. So I called his mom to see if Keith had talked to her. Not so much to see if she would tell me what was going on but to see if she knew anything so to help calm my nerves. She said no that he had not. So I talked with her a few more minutes and then we hung up.

For the rest of the way home I listened to my audio recording for The Road and was in complete wonder with my stomach getting upset over what he had to tell me. When I got home Keith was on the phone with his father. I tried to get him off but his dad needed to talk to him about something. I think he was on the phone for about 5 to 10 more minutes. In the mean time I am just wanting to know what Keith has to say to me. He FINALLY gets off the phone (It just felt like forever to me even though it was a few minutes) and I immediately pounds, so to speak, to find out what he needed to tell me.

He told me that Anita and Anthony had been found dead in their home. When I heard him tell me this it was almost like it was a bad dream, another nightmare we were about to start living again. I just could not be true. I even said, “They are REALLY dead?” And he said, “Yes.” At first I was just in complete shock. I just could not believe what I had just heard. And then it just turned into hysterical crying. The belief for what had just happened was so unreal to me. I mean, how could this be? How could these two people be gone?

They are two of the most wonderful people anyone could ever have met. When Mari was both in the hospital and then when she passed away, Anthony and Keith’s company commander Raina were really there for us. The two of them, in a way, became a part of our family. I can remember Anita at my husband’s mom’s house after we all had gotten back from the cemetery. There was a little group of us just talking. It was me, my best friend Shelly, I think Missy (a family friend), and Anita all just stood there talking. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about but she was just her normal everyday self. The most kind, unselfish person you could meet.

When I talk to my friend Shelly a few days ago asking if she remembered her, she asked me if she was the woman with the hot pink nails. I said, “Yup, that was her.” Anita was always so nicely dressed, with just the right outfit on, her hair done just so, and her nails looking fantastic. That was Anita. She was a small, petite woman with a heart of gold. Anthony reminds me of the jolly old elf. I hardly ever remember a time when he did not have a smile on his face. He probably even had a smile on when he was disciplining someone because he was just the most happy person one could meet.

Anthony and Anita are going to be so missed and such a void left behind where these two were. Anthony had just turned 43 on January 26 and Anita was 44 with her birthday coming up on June 10. They had been married for 22 years and have three beautiful children. All three are in college with the youngest having just graduated from high school last year. If you believe in prayer, please pray for these three children because it is hard enough to lose one parent but they lost both at the same time. Please also pray that their college will be able to be taken care of so that they do not have to worry about how to come up with the expense of trying to go while having had lost their parents.

We will miss you Anthony and Anita and please just know you are loved. I am sure Mari was up there waiting for you with open arms. She probably became your tour guide to show you around your new home up there in heaven. Please take care of my baby girl as we miss her so much. We love you guys.

8 Months Have Come and Gone

I sit here contemplating what my life is going to be like without Mariana. It has been 8 months since she passed. Then you are probably thinking, “Well, if it has been 8 months, shouldn’t she already know.” I can tell you first hand that I still don’t know. Eight months ago tomorrow my daughter was still here with us. Eight and half months ago she was still singing, and dancing, and being the bright and shining star we all know and love. Yet now that star is not shining and bright. It has been blown out here on earth. Although I know she is shining upon everyone up in heaven and bringing a smile to those around her.

When we are young it seems like 8 months takes forever. Eight months is almost the amount of time we are in school each year. Eight months is 2/3 of a year gone by. Eight months just seems to go by ever so quickly. And now Mari is gone. It seems to have gone by even quicker. Yet I still cannot see what my life is going to be like without Mari. It reminds me of when you are a kid trying to see what your future will hold for you when you are “all growd up”. I cannot see what the future really holds for me.

I had an old friend ask me tonight if Keith and I were planning to have any more kids. She actually said before she asked her question that she was not sure if it was even polite or ok to ask. I told her that her question was fine. Keith and I have talked about whether we are going to have more children and we just don’t know yet – at least not at this time. When and if we do have more children, I am sure we will have really contemplated over it.

Only 4 more months until she has been gone for one full year. ONLY 4 MONTHS!! It just does not seem possible that a year ago we had just moved and we were all so happy.

Can Two People Really Grieve That Differently?

How can two people who love each other so much grieve in such utterly different ways. I don’t think there is a person on the planet who doesn’t know that men are different than women. This is why the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was written and the game was created. It is to try to help all of us understand the opposite sex. Personally, I have never read the book but I can just imagine what it says.

Tonight I went outside to gather up more firewood from our backyard. I started a fire earlier today. It has turned cold again outside. I had run through what I had collected earlier and needed more to keep the fire going. I think I have finally learned how to build a pretty good fire. I can get the fire burning and it just feels so warm and cozy. You feel like you could run around in your shorts and a tank top as if you were in the summertime instead of it being 20 degrees outside.

When I went through the door from our office to the garage, I noticed I had left the garage door open from earlier today. Both the light bulb in our garage and the one that illuminates the outside from above our garage door are burned out. For some reason as I was walking down the steps I saw something on the ground to the left of the steps. When I bent down to pick it up, it was a 5x7 picture of our daughter Mariana.

This was a special picture. It was a part of the bereavement package we had received from the picture company Inter-State Studio. They happened to be the company hired in the fall of 2007 to take their fall school pictures. It happens to be her very last fall school picture. We used to live in DeKalb and her teacher, Julie Ahlbach, got a hold of the picture company. She knew they did this special service for parents who have lost a child. It included one 8x10, two 5x7’s, and nine wallets size photographs. Plus they gave us the copyright of the professional photo and put the photo on a CD for us to use however we wish.

I had given this 5x7 photo to my husband. He wanted to take it to work and put it up on his desk. I had asked him if he had done this the day he took it. He had told me he had. I felt like he had lied to me and I was so hurt. I wasn’t really hurt because he had not put the picture up but more because now there was a hole in the bottom of the picture and it was all scuffed up.

I called him up and said he was a liar. I asked him why he had lied to me about putting the picture up on his desk if he had not. Of course, as you can imagine, this started a fight over the phone. I have never accused Keith of lying to me before. He is just not that kind of person. He told me he had put it on his desk that day but did not have a new frame for it. He did not want to put it over one of her older pictures. He got so mad that he hung up on me.

He then called me back about five minutes later and said that he was so angry he now had to talk about it. He yelled at me saying, “What? You don’t think I miss her? You don’t think I want her here?” I knew this was not the case. I knew how much he loved his daughter and utterly missed her. He just never talks to me about her. I am the ONLY one who ever wants or seems to need to talk about her. He is grieving by never wanting to ever talk about her. I am grieving by needing to but nobody wanting to. How can two people who love each other more than life itself come together and be ok? How can we learn to grieve together so that we are there for each other in how the other grieves?

We have tried going to a grief counselor to help us out but that did not work. We have tried to talk about this on our own but that does not work. I guess only time will tell and be able to help us meddle our way through this incredibly difficult time. All I can say is at least we have each other. We may have an incredibly difficult road ahead of us but we will not be doing it alone. He is my other half as I am his. Together we are one.

The Value of a Mom’s Tears (or Dad's)

To me crying is never embarrassing because it is the way I truly express myself. It shows that I am sad. However, tears can make those around you so uncomfortable.

I was recently given an article written by Dr. Joyce Brothers. Now she is before most our time (although I have heard of her before) but she wrote something about tears when she lost her husband. I felt that I could turn this article into something that can become applicable for a mother and/or father who has lost a child.

When a father cries you know they are incredibly sad. Men just do not cry that often. When a mother cries it just makes those around her uncomfortable and about as popular as a child throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of a store – not popular at all. A common reaction is to tell them not to cry. That crying will not help. Tears will not bring back your son/your daughter. They simply won’t help.

What most people fail to realize is that they do – they actually do. Tears are a way to help the mom, the dad, to make it through this incredibly hard time in their lives. So, this typical everyday reaction to tears is “the worst possible reaction.” Tears help more anyone could even imagine. The mother and father needs to cry. They will stop when they no longer need the tears – when they no longer need to cry. The tears are not only their friend but they are their best friend. They are there for them when no one else is or can be. “They are an early healing device – a kind of emotional first aid.”

I did not know this but she goes onto report: “Tears of sadness or anger contain leucine-eukephalin, one of the brain’s natural pain relievers. They also contain prolactin, a hormone that encourages the secretion o f tears.” It is interesting to note that women actually have half the amount of prolactin compared to men. Think about why women cry so much more than men do.

“‘Before our experiments, which revealed the presence of prolactin and leucine-enkephalin in tears, we had located them in the central nervous system,’ reported Dr. William Frey II, biochemist and research director of the Dry Eye and Tear Research Center at the St. Paul-Ramsey Center in Minneapolis. ‘We asked ourselves – what are these brain chemicals doing in tears?’”

“The answer, Dr. Frey believes, is that crying triggers the brain to release these chemicals. ‘Crying is an exocrine process,’ he says, ‘a process in which a substance – like sweat or urine or feces – comes out of the body, cleansing it of toxic substances. There is every reason to believe crying does the same. Crying does not just feel good – it appears to be an evolutionary device for adapting to emotional stress. When a woman is sad or angry, crying removes the chemicals that build up during stress and helps her feel better.’”

When I read the article and what the doctors say about crying it makes so much sense to me. When I have by crying, especially when I have just been sobbing, I tend to feel so much better. It is good to know that my crying is actually a benefit for my body. Crying has been such a release for me. Between crying and my writing I know this is what is getting me through the most.

I don’t know if this interested anyone else but I felt it was interesting enough to share with those that I love and care about and those that love and care about me.

Two Weeks and Two Days

I sit here tonight doing some research for my Biology class. I am supposed to turn in six articles throughout the semester. The articles are supposed to be related to biology somehow. I found a website dedicated to biology a couple of weeks ago. The site publishes several articles every single week. I had printed off several of them so I would be ready when I had to turn them in. But tonight I decided to do some research on topics that were more interesting to me.

The found several from the first search I did on autism. They were actually quite interesting to me. Then I decided to see if there were any articles on E. coli 0157. I don’t know why I decided to do this. I think I will always be curious at how something like E. coli could take my daughter from me.

The first article I found states, “…cattle fed distiller’s grain have an increased prevalence of E. coli 0157 in their hindgut. This particular type of E. coli is present in healthy cattle but poses a health risk to humans, who can acquire it through undercooked meat, raw dairy products and produce contaminated with cattle manure.… The growth of ethanol plants means more cattle are likely to be fed distiller’s grain, therefore harboring 0157 and potentially a source of health risk to humans… prevalence of 0157 was about twice as high in cattle fed distiller’s grain compared with those cattle that were on a diet lacking the ethanol byproduct.” When I read this the only thing I could think of would be the dairy products. Mari was not a huge dairy person as I gave her soy milk. I don’t know if Mari had any or not but you never know.

Then I read this other article called Common practices at petting zoos put visitors at risk. “E. coli 0157:H7 associated with two Florida petting zoos… Some behaviors that were most strongly associated with illness were feeding a cow or goat, touching a goat and stepping in manure or having manure on your shoes.” I think back to the two occasions where I went out to visit my sister-in-law’s farm when my niece Crysta was here to visit. I remember trying to keep Mari out of where the animals were but it really was a lost cause. Then I remember how I would bring her into the house. She then would just sneak back out through the open window to go outside while my back was turned. I think the one time it took her all of about 30 seconds. If you can imagine a speeding bullet – that was Mari. She was right back out with all the animals just singing and dancing and having a good time. She didn’t have a care in the world.

I guess we will never truly know what happen to Mari. But I guess none of will ever understand either how diarrhea could take the life of such a beautiful, vibrant little girl in just two weeks and two days.

Posting Comments and To Those Who Care

I sit here just thinking about our beautiful little Mari and how much I miss her. My dog Cody is by my feel playing with my cat Bandit. He is growling while the cat is hissing (believe it or not they are actually playing and DO like each other). While I sit here listening to them I just think of Mari. I think of how much I miss her and wish she was here beside me so I could hear her playing instead of my animals.

I went on Otrib.com today just to see if anyone had responded to her dedication I have on that site. There was not just one comment that had been left for me to approve; there were a total of five. Some were long and some were short; some had been left a few weeks ago and some were more recent. They all meant so much to me. I want everyone who reads my site to know that if you post a comment, I may not get to it right away but know that I read them ALL. I appreciate them ALL. They mean more to me than words could ever express.

I decided to join Facebook back on November 30. It is something I had put off because I was simply not interested. I thought it was going to be stupid. Then when I decided to start my blog dedicated to Mari I saw there was a way to have my posts uploaded onto Facebook. I thought, “Why not try it out.” So I signed up and have been addicted ever since.

I was so excited because I was able to reconnect with so many of my friends from my high school and my high school youth group. I left Sacramento on March 30, 1993 to go active duty in the Army when I was 19 years old. I was stationed at Ft. Hood, Texas and I have not lived back in California since. I met my husband in June, 1993 and we were married on February 18, 1994. When we both got off of active duty we came back to Illinois where he is from and have been here ever since. Keith has been back on active duty for the last 7 ½ years here in Illinois recruiting for the Army.

Joining Facebook when I did really was something very special. It has become something that was needed in my life as I have been so lonely and missing Mari so much. Some of the comments I have received have been so special and more than I could ever have imagined or hoped for. I appreciate everyone who has been there for Keith and I and continuing to be there for us as each day goes by.

For those of you who are wondering what I am doing now, I decided to go back to school last semester. I started off with four classes but ultimately ended up dropping two of them because it was just too much for me at the time. This semester I am taking three classes. Two are gen ed requirements and one is just for myself. The two gen ed requirements are General Education Biology (oh fun!!! LOL) and Honors American Literature II. I am already finished with my third week as of today (it amazes me how quickly time is going by). Biology is going ok and I am really enjoying myself in my American Lit class (believe it or not). There is a lot of reading but that is ok. The classes are interesting which makes it a lot easier to want to attend each day.

The other class I am taking is Creative Writing: Non-Fiction. When I had decided to take this class at the end of last term I had no idea it was going to be a non-fiction creative writing class. I just thought it was going to be a creative writing class writing about anything you wanted from poetry, to fiction, to non-fiction. I was actually pleasantly surprised to find this out. I will be able to learn a lot in this class. I think that it will help me to better improve what I have been writing and then help me to write my book about Mari and her life.

I have been told, it seems, by more and more people they think I am a good writer. I want to say thank you to anyone who believes this or who has told me this. I can honestly say that I do not think of myself as a “writer” but just as someone who writes down her thoughts and her feelings and then shares it with those around her. I appreciate all feedback anyone has to say about what I have written.

My sincerest hope is that when I write something and then share it with those around me that it can help you or others to understand me just a little bit better. It can help you to see through my eyes what it has been like to have lost Mari and to have lost your only child. I know that no matter what I say or what I do that unless you have lost a child there is no way to truly ever understand what it is like to have lost one. However, I think it will help those who have read or will read what I have written to better understand me and the loss of not only a child but your only child. I also hope that it can be healing for those around me and to help all of us get through this incredibly hard time.