Today is a day without our baby girl. It seems like just yesterday that she went to be in heaven. It seem like I just said good bye. I remember that last day with longing before she went to the doctor. I felt so inconvenienced when the school called to tell me that she had a diarrhea. I felt they were making a big deal out of nothing. Who would have ever thought that what seemed like a day of inconvenience at the time would be a day I would take back in a heartbeat. Who would ever have thought that the final time I would ever put her into her own bed would have been that night. The last time she would ever say “Bear”, “Bear” and become indignant when I did not get it fast enough for her. I would take it all back to have those moments every night again.
I remember when I felt just overwhelmed with the fact of her escaping out of the house. To have that back again seems so minuet comparatively to having her just gone forever. I know that the love will go on forever but to just have what seemed like at one time to be so overwhelming that I could not handle it would be wonderful to have that back again. To be able to look at it as being thankful I have those things to worry about because then she would be here.
I know that MarMar has permanently turned her mommy into a better person. I am a person who had little to no patience before having her and she helped me to have better patience than I ever thought possible. She helped me to learn for the first time in my life what true unconditional love is really supposed to be or mean. Mari loved me no matter what I said or what I did. Whether she was in trouble for creating “Lake Mari” again in the sink in the bathroom or just spending time with her in her room while she watched one of her favorite episodes of the Backyardigans, she loved me no matter what. Even when she got in trouble she just loved me. I mean she knew when she was in trouble but she loved me no matter what.
You could say, “MarMar, hug please” and she would run up to you and give you a big hug. Then you could ask for a kiss and she would give you a big kiss with a great big smile on her face. She would be sitting in her high chair after she was done eating and then all of a sudden you could hear this little girl just burst out laughing. The thing was, to us she was laughing at absolutely nothing but her world must have been one special place because she seemed to always be happy there.
She saw thing so differently than the rest of us. There were no consequences for anything she did. She saw things so uniquely and so utterly innocent. She could sing and dance her little heart out and never get tired of her own voice. It was just precious. She had just the softest, little voice you could imagine.
She loved her bath time. She could play in the bathtub for what seemed like forever but to her she was having the time of her life. I think if she could if had her way she would have lived in the water. It was like it was her second home. And it did not matter where the water was because she loved it. It could be the puddle outside, to the water in the toilet. To her it was just water and it was a place she could have fun and just play in her world.
The room must have had some appeal to her because she used to just sing and dance and flap those arms of her in so much excitement. The world she lived in had no danger, it had no fear. She was indestructible in whatever she did. In her world she could live forever.
In her world she could eat and make the biggest messes because it was so much fun. The bigger the mess the more fun it must have been. I don’t think there was a single food she could not make a mess of and make it become art on her face and her clothes. It was just Mari.
Mari had such an innocence about her like no one else I knew. There was no danger. There were no consequences. It was just plain and simple in her world to where whatever she did or who she did it with it all boiled down to having fun and laughing her little heart out.
To miss her is to have known her and none of us will be the same without Mari’s world on this earth because that means we don’t have her.
We love you MarMar and miss you more than live itself.
Love Mommy and all those that love and miss you Baby Girl.
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Letting go
12 years ago
