Memorial Day

As we approach Memorial Day many things come to mind but at the forefront of my mind is our beloved Mariana. No she never served in our nation’s Armed Forces but she had the privilege of being buried in the Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery. How might you ask is this possible if she was never a veteran as only veterans are allowed to be buried in a national cemetery or the veteran’s spouse. Well there is one loop hole that my husband Keith and I found out the hard way: You have a child that passes away and they get the privilege of being buried there if they are still your dependant (I believe under the age of 18).

Our daughter was only 8 ½ years old when she passed away. Who ever thought that a little bacteria could be so deadly. Not Keith and I. Well we found out the hardest way anyone could ever find out when our daughter contracted E-coli 0157:H7. No, technically the E-coli did not kill her but it is what the E-coli did to her little body that ultimately took her life (to read more about her story, click here).

But I am off track. Memorial Day is a day to remember those loved ones we have lost. In other words, to preserve the memory of them. To remember them always. This is a special day. I don’t think it is a day any of really want to have as this means we have lost a loved one. I know I don’t. I would much rather have MarMar here than just the memory of her and remembering how she used to be but that is all that is left are our memories.

All of us remember Mari somewhat the same but all of also remember her a bit differently from one another. Obviously for Keith and me she is at the forefront of our minds. The other spectrum is those that barely knew her but still remember her with such fondness. This is how she continues to live on in all of our lives. My true desire is that the light of Mari, the flame that she once had alive, will continue to live on for many years pass her short time on this earth.

We have a friend who was going out to the cemetery anyway and wanted to know if we would like her to put anything on her grave since Memorial Day is tomorrow. We were so grateful that she called and asked as Keith and I cannot go as we live too far away now. Here is a picture of the flowers and pinwheel that she put on her grave. The flag must have been put there by the cemetery as you can see there are flags in front of all the other cemetery markers as well.

Memorial Day is simply special as I know she will never be forgotten.

We miss you baby girl and Mommy loves you very much.

Love Mommy

Then it hits ya

Since moving here to Kentucky, I have fell in love with a program on the Style Channel. The program is called Clean House. If you have never seen it before, they take people who are clutter fanatics (and man there are some that are so nasty) and help them clean out the clutter, sell the stuff in a yard sale and then give them a makeover in the rooms they cleared out.

Well, they have a couple of shows that came from the original called Clean House: Search for the Messiest House in the Country and Clean House Comes Clean. Clean House Comes Clean is more of the outtakes and stuff they did not show in the original episode aired.

Well tonight I was watching the Comes Clean one and they had a baby episode one where there were parents who were expecting a new baby. The second couple in the episode ended up having a baby on July 16, 2008. I was completely taken aback. For those of you who don’t know, that is the EXACT day Mari passed away.


Over the years I think we all hear about how one life ends and another begins. Well, this was like a slap in the face. My baby girl’s life ended and this new little one’s started. I know that there are going to be many other babies that happened to be born on that day as well but this was a baby that was tangible. They even showed pictures of the new little one and then showed an updated with the baby now being about a year and a half old.

I was amazed I did not cry. It’s just strange how at any moment you can have something that brings it all back to the forefront.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.
Love Mommy

To Lose Weight or Not To Lose Weight: That is the Question

I am very disappointed in myself. When I weighed myself this evening I weighed 1XX (did you honestly think I would say how much I weigh, yeah right. LOL). I am so disappointed in myself and how I have slowly been gaining weight. In the last year I have put on another 10 pounds. That is a lot of gosh darn weight. If I keep at it I will be over 200 pounds in the next few years.


The one good thing I have going for me is I am 5’7” tall. When people look at me they notice I have thin arms and legs and even my face and neck look thin. However, my belly and my hips, not so much. I just wear the right kind of cloths so that I look think than I actually am. Most people tell me they think I weigh around 140 to 150 (boy wouldn’t that be nice). It is where I would like to be. But unfortunately I am much more than that.


Keith was gone on his first trip this last week to Houston. He got back late, late last night (around 2am this morning). He is as unhappy with his belly as I am. We both used to be such skinny people. Not nasty skinny where all you saw is our skin and bones. But healthy skinny.


I used to weigh around 130 to 135 pounds up until I was about 24 years old. I had gotten out of the Army about a year prior and Keith was getting ready to get out of the Army. I ended up taking an administrative assistant job. In other words, a job where you basically sit down all day. Talk about a dramatic change in routine. Over that next year I gained around 20 to 25 pounds. I went from a size 9/10 to a 16.


I of course don’t ever want to be that thin again as I don’t think it would be as healthy for me now. However, I would love to weigh around 140 to 145.


So, Keith and I are actually going to get up early on a Saturday morning and go to a cycling class together. It will be nice to work out with the man I love. I know when I went the other day it kicked my hinny. But you know what, it was a good kick in the hinny. Now Keith gets to experience that himself. At least when we go this time I will be prepared with my own seat cushion cover for the seat as my derrière still hurts from the cycle class on Wednesday.

Strength...

Strength: Where does it come from? Everyone always wants to tell me how strong I am for how I am today with dealing with the death of Mari. And I used to think the same thing when I saw a parent and how they were dealing with the death of a child. I would think to myself how incredibly strong that person must be to be dealing with the loss. The strength they have inside themselves must be so incredibly strong to be able to get through this incredibly hard time. I know I could never be that strong. I could never make it through the loss of a child.



AND THEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU!


I can honestly say I hate it when I hear how strong someone thinks I am. I have learned that it is not strength. I know some people will be in disagreement with me. However, only another parent who has lost a child will truly understand what I am about to say. It is not strength that gets you through. It is that you don’t have a choice. I mean, my child’s life has ended but I am still alive on this earth. I can either somehow learn to live my life without my child here or I kill myself. For most people, the latter is really not an option. For some reason our child’s life ended before ours. The order seems to be out of whack. Yet, we are still here as the parent and our child has passed away. So we learn to live a new life without them here. No, we may never truly understand why our child is gone but they are none the less. So it is not strength that gets us through but that we have no choice. We have to continue on with our lives. It is like we have died and a new person was reborn in our place.


It is a choice. I know there are some parents out there who felt that once their child died they had nothing to live for so they take their lives. I can honestly say that there were days where I wish God would just take my life early as I did not see how I could live without Mari here but I never wanted to take my own life. It did feel unbearable at times with the pain and grief going so incredibly deep. There were so many at first. Now they have become fewer and fewer being farther and farther apart. My life seems to have happiness in it again. I believe this is a good thing. It is hard to live life if you are always feeling sad and down.


I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.


Love Mommy

It's time to get in shape

Well it has been awhile but a long time coming: I have officially starting working out again (of course it is only the first day, but you have to keep optimistic right).

I signed up for personal training this week on post. I went in this morning to have my very first session (or should I say second as the first time I met with my personal trainer she went over some guidelines and what not to get me started right). When I arrived I found out that she, I believe, fell down some stairs and could barely get herself back in her home. I hope she is ok. Needless to say, I DID NOT have personal training today. However, since our appointment was for 6:30 this morning (yes, that would be AM, am I nuts or what) and since I was already there I figured I might as well jump on the treadmill for some cardio. I only walked for a ½ hour but I did walk at 3 mph at a 5 incline. I think that is pretty good since I have not done it in forever.

While I was at the gym yesterday I also saw they have a cycling class. I have always wanted to attend one but never had one in my area I could attend. So I also decided to go this evening and check it out. Boy, you talk about something that will kick your derehre (I know that is spelled wrong, but I think you get the drift). But it was such a good workout. It was 40 minutes of brutality. A spinning class is no joke. I am so glad I attended though. I will probably attend the class on a regular basis.
I told Keith about it tonight. He said he would attend with me the next time I went.

Iris and Kristena

I sit here watching Mr. Holland’s Opus. I think this is one of those movies that just touch you to the depths of our soul. It has true meaning instead of what a lot of these movies out there today seem to lack. I think if you have seen this movie it has touched you in some way.

I have not really watched this movie in several years. As a matter of fact I do not remember the last time I watched it. It is a simple movie about a man named Glenn, or Mr. Holland, who had a dream and did teaching to bring in the income his family needed and then spent the next 30 years doing something he ultimately ended up loving and leaving a legacy behind.

What really struck me tonight though are the similarities between Iris, Glenn's wife, and myself. They find out very early on, probably when Cole, their son, is around 18 months old, that he is deaf. This is a striking blow for Glenn as he is a music teacher and has aspirations to one day be a conductor for his own symphony.

What you witness when Cole is around 6 or 7 years old is that he is unable to communicate with his mom and dad. He wants something out of the cabinet but gets so frustrated and starts to throw things. This leads to a fight between Iris and Glenn and he yells at her and says, “Give him what he wants.” She yells back in return, “I don’t know what he wants. I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell me. Don’t you get it? You go off to school every day with all of your children who are normal. I can’t talk to my son! I don’t know what he wants or what he thinks or what he feels; I can’t tell him that I love him. I can’t tell him who I am! I want to talk to my son! I don’t care what it costs!” The scene continues on because she wants to send their son to a private school for the deaf and Glenn is unsure of the costs.

The part that really struck me tonight is how similar my life was to Iris’. Even though she is a fictional character, I can still relate. I guess that is what makes a good movie truly good is that even if something is fictional it can seem real.

I felt that way for most of Mari’s life. The day Mari was officially diagnosed, the dreams Keith and I had for her officially flew out the window into never never land and never to return. Our lives had to become filled with new hopes and/or dreams for our little precious ones. And even those seemed to change all the time.

I think many parents take for granted sometimes how something like being able to communicate with child really means. I told Mari I loved her all the time but she never understood what that meant. She knew Keith and I were the ones to take care of her and in her own special way I think she somewhat understood somehow that we were mommy and daddy but she never really understood what a mommy and daddy really are. She would say, “Let’s go potty,” but usually not for the reasons that most people think of. It was usually to get out of doing whatever she was doing in that moment. We would go into a store and I would try to let her pick out a new DVD. The problem was that she would only pick out movies that she already owned as she was familiar with those. She did not want any new ones that she had not seen before. If she had her way I would probably own 10 to 20 of the same title of each DVD. So you have a child that has a meltdown in the store because she cannot do what is the simple act of communicating. The sad part about it is when this happens in a store and you have a 7 or 8 year old child throw what seems like a big temper tantrum, you have everyone looking around at you probably thinking, “Can’t you control your child?” Or “Man that child needs to learn some proper manners.” Or whatever else people might say when they see a child acting up in public. I know this happens because I have done it myself when I see a child really acting up badly. Before Mari, I never once thought to stop and think maybe there is more to this child’s acting out than you can tell just by looking at the child.

I mean to look at Mari you would never be able to tell she had a severe disability in the fact she had severe autism. She just looked like your normal, everyday child who was both beautiful and precious all wrapped up into one package.

Even though Iris was a fictional character, I relate to her so well. I sat here trying not to cry as it really touched me as I am watching her yelling how she just wants to be able to communicate with her son and I have felt so many times in Mari short lifetime.

Love The One Your With

Well, I sit here at home today by myself as Keith has left on his first trip for his new position today. He will only be gone until Thursday, another words 5 days and 4 nights. When you put it into overall perspective, that is really not that long considering he is in the Army and he could be being deployed instead and be gone for a year or two. But still, I hate it when he has to leave.

I am not one of those wives who actually looks forward to their husbands leaving for a few days or if he has been home on vacation days to where you just can’t want from him to go back to work. Personally, I love it when my husband has time off. I like having him home.

It is not that we even do all that much stuff when he is home. However, we are together and to me that is all that really matters. We are either watching one of our TV shows we like to watch or we are watching a Blu-Ray/DVD from our huge collection of movies. Or he is playing Bang-Bank Shoot-um Up (In other words: Modern Warfare 2: Call of Duty) as he likes to call it while I am watching one of my shows or playing on my computer. Or we might both just be sitting in bed reading a book. So it is not really about doing something together as much as it is just being together spending time together.

It seems like most people today if they have been married for any length of time that is just not the case. To me it is kind of amazing that after 16 years of marriage that we both feel the same way about each other. No, we are not delusional about each other as we can still drive each other nuts, but overall, we just love each other more than we could have ever imagined possible.

I can truly say without hesitation that Keith is the love of my life. The other thing I like to say is that even though there is not one person on this earth that is perfect, Keith and I are perfect for each other.

I guess you could say I am one lucky woman to have found the man of my dreams.

Just sitting here thinking

The last few days I have just been sitting here thinking about how I have come to truly love writing and then sharing it will all of you. It gives me a peace inside that I never knew it could bring me.

When I was growing up, school was very hard for me, especially english. I would say that english was my very hardest class and then history was next with trying to remember all those little factoids. I can remember right after I graduated high school and I started to attend the local community college, I took their placement test and I was placed into the lowest level english class they offered. I was three classes away from being even able to take English 101. I felt so dumb back then.

That semester I decided to go from the Army Reserves to go on active duty. I left for Ft. Hood, TX, on March 30, 1994. I did not attempt to go back to school from many years and even when I did I stayed away from English classes until I absolutely had to. I took my first college level English class in the fall of 98. I was attending Prairie State College in Chicago Heights, IL, at the time and when I took their placement test I was able to jump right into English 101. I am not sure how I learned enough to get into college level english class but it sure felt good.

The last english class I took was actually American Lit 2. I can truly say I throughly enjoyed that class and was even considering taking another english class just for fun. Talk about a total turn around.

It amazes me sometimes how ones life can change so much in such a short (or long) period of time.

Mari's Dress

I’ve spent the day trying to unpack the spare bedroom/office area. It is such time consuming work. Once in a while I run into something that was Mari’s. For the most part, all of her stuff was packed away and is in the storage unit we rented as our place is just too small to hold all of our stuff until we get on post housing.

I was just going through one of the boxes we had packed back up after the movers just half-assed put our stuff everywhere and was a big mess. As I was going through this box, there was a yellow three-prong folder and it said “Mariana” on the outside. So I decided to look inside. I already knew what the folder was but wanted to look anyway.

The folder was from the fall of 2004 while she was in school. It is mostly her artwork. There are a couple of pictures of her at school as well. When I have a chance I will scan the pictures in for everyone to see. I am so glad I have this kind of stuff but at the same time it makes me so sad. I made me miss her so much that the ache goes deep down in my heart.

I took the book, went to my room and laid it on our bed to be put away later. Then I went back into the other room and in the walk-in-closet is Mari’s long purple princess type dress I made for her for Keith’s sister Peggy’s wedding. I took the dress down and held it up like if Mari was still in it and just hugged it. I was trying to remember her being in it and how if she was still alive how far off the ground she would have been. It just reminded me of how incredibly little she really was and how incredibly missed she truly is now.

She would have turned 10 this past December yet she will always remain in everyone’s mind our 8½ little angel up in heaven. I still have a hard time understand why she is gone sometimes. I think every parent out there who has ever lost a child still thinks this no matter how long their child has been gone.

I realize that God works in mysterious ways and for whatever reason Mari’s time on this earth was done. It may not make sense to any of us but God understand more than all of us put together.

I still have to wonder why. Is it because of Mari’s severe autism and how she was becoming harder and harder to take care of everyday and Keith and I were not sure if we were going to be able to keep her safe from herself. I cannot remember how many times she either escaped out of the house to go on our roof or just go outside.

Or is it because God know she was very hard to deal with and it was becoming too much for Keith and I. I know we had no life outside of Mari but I would trade everything I have to have her back right now. However, maybe God felt that Keith and I were at a point to where we just could not take anymore. I don’t feel this way but only God knows.

Or was it because God needed me to be able to get through the loss of our beloved angel so that I could one day be there for other parents who have lost a child or other who have lost a loved one to let these people know that I truly understand what it means to lose someone you love with all your heart and soul.

Through my writing, I truly hope that I can touch many people’s lives and be there for those who are needed someone who is there to just listen or that my words can somehow help others out there. I know I want to write a book about Mari’s life. I would also love to talk to people at seminars or something like that to help others out there who need it.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you very much.

Love Mommy

Moving Time...

Well, the move is finally done. They pack up our house last month on the 14th, moved it out on the 15th, left for Kentucky on the 19th, ended up having an abscessed tooth from a root canal from over 4 or 5 years ago, had oral surgery on the 22nd, finally started looking for places to live on the 23rd, found a place to rent on the 28th and put deposit down, signed new lease on May 3, transportation delivered our stuff on the 6th, had massive asthma attack in middle of night on the 6th (technically the 7th) around 2am due to the fact the previous tenant and that he or she had smoked (supposedly the carpet had been professionally clean, YEAH RIGHT!!), and now we are finally at the 13th, exactly 1 month from where we started – man, can more stuff be packed into such a short of period of time. I guess I don’t want to find out (and I bet I am even missing a couple of things in there.

Well, as you can imagine, it had its ups and downs.

Something that happened during the move is I had specifically wrapped up Mari’s hand molds in bubble wrap (if needed) and put in a special box and even labeled “Mari’s hand molds”. I told the movers they were to not be packed with our stuff as Keith and I would be taking them with us. These are items that can never be replaced and are completely priceless. I gave them to Keith to put in the car and that was the last I saw of them. When Keith and I were packing up the car to come to Kentucky on the 19th, the box with the hand molds was completely missing. Keith guessed the movers must have packed them. I figured Keith had either lost them somehow or for some stupid reason the movers did exactly what I told them not to do and packed them anyway.

As you can imagine, I was just in tears over this. On the way down to Kentucky, the moving company calls to check in on everything. I told her that Mari’s hand molds are missing and we believe the movers packed them after we specifically told them not to. So she checked into in and asked the packers about it. They specifically remembered me telling Keith to put them in the car and they said that is where they went. So as you can imagine I am even more upset. We had been at a rest stop at the time. I had started to drive and then I had to pull over as I was just too upset.

So Keith called his mom and asked her to really look around her house for the molds as the packers were adamant we had them. Needless to say, mom never found them.

Well, when the moving company delivered our stuff, their idea of unpacking our house was literally just removing our stuff and making big piles everywhere. Nothing got put away AT ALL. It was such a HUGE mess. About a day or two later (as the management company for our townhome was having a professional cleaner coming in to clean the carpets) we started to get everything either back in boxes or in the files cabinets and low and behold at the bottom of the pile was the box with the hand molds. Imagine that, the stupid packers had packed it after all.

Keith and I opened the box and fortunately all three were ok. It was such a relief to know we had actually found them.

Mommy misses you with all of her heart and loves you very much.