Did you know that Angels are among us?

Angels are from heaven,
We already know.
But where are they at,
Only God knows.

Sometimes they hide
And do miracles so great,
But sometimes their
Right there in plain sight.

How can we tell
An angel is beside us?
Look for the goodness
And innocence all around.

It may surprise you to find out
that each one of us has our own,
One that is there guiding
And protecting us all day long.

No it is no one you would suspect
Or even think of;
However, to know they are all around
Can give us all a little peace in our heart.

God sent one special angel
In the form of someone with autism.
She taught so many how to love
Without a word to be spoken.


Her angelic innocence
Is what makes her remarkable.
Her never ending love and kindness
Can show anyone how to live

God sent this angel
to take care of us all.
To be the one to follow
And show us God’s way.

Then one day,
God decided to bring her home.
Those of us on earth
Were heartbroken and sad.

Even though she is no longer
Here on this earth,
It gives us peace to know,
She’s actually watching over us every day of our life.

Now, isn’t it good to know
Angels are among us,
Guiding us through
Till we can be together again someday.

HER FINAL DAY

It is a beautiful day by anyone’s account. The date is July 22, 2008. The sky is crystal clear and Caribbean blue. It is around 80 degrees and only getting hotter by the hour. A typical summer day in Chicago. The day has one vital flaw: It is the day I will bury my one and only child.

Her name is Mariana (Mar-ē-awe-na). She was 8½ years old when she left this earth on July 16th. I guess if you are getting ready to permanently say good-bye to the one person who has completely occupied your time and has helped define who you are today, at least it is a good day weather wise.

I get up, take a shower, and get dressed in my black sleeveless top with my black pinstriped pants. My stomach is in knots and I can hardly eat. We head out to the funeral home around 10am.

Even in death, Mari, as we like to call her, is the center of attention today and why everyone is coming. She lays there at the front of the room with her casket open for everyone to be able to say their good-byes. At this point, I am holding it together. I can still see her even though her spirit is gone from her body. She just looks so peaceful like she is sleeping with her Backyardigans and Wonder Pets beanie baby friends as they keep her company in the casket. When you look at her it’s like she will wake up at any moment and say, “Juice please.”

Almost everyone we care about has come to say their good-byes. My grandpa, my mom, my dad, my brother Erik and one of his daughters Athena, my sister Jenny, my husband Keith’s uncles Ken, Phil and Bob and his aunt Pat all flew in from the west coast. Everyone is still in complete shock because just a little over three weeks ago Mari was a perfectly healthy little girl that had her life taken away by E. coli.

The service could not have gone more perfectly. Pastor Steve, Pastor Bill and Army Chaplain McClerean spoke. Friends and family share memories. Jennifer, a woman from our old church, sings “I Raise You Up” by Josh Groban and “Praise You in the Storm” by Casting Crowns. The second song’s lyrics are the perfect words to close out her memorial service that nothing else is said after this.

Keith and I are in the front row sitting on a couch with our parents beside us. The Funeral Director starts with the back row so everyone can come forward to walk by Mari’s casket and say good-bye if they choose. It is row after row of people who come forward. Some are friends. Some are family members. Some are from my husband’s Army battalion. Some are teachers and aides that have all worked with Mari over the years in school. Some are a part of our church family in DeKalb. There are even a couple of people from Children’s Memorial Hospital that came to pay their respects to our believed little one. I think what touches me the most is the love all of these people have for a little girl who never understood any of that and yet she was able to touch everyone of their lives with her loving innocence to those around her. Some of these people stop while others just walk by. There had to be well over 200 people who came to her funeral that day. Finally our row is the last one left. First my mom, then my dad, then Keith’s mom and dad all get up, go over to the casket, and say their own good-byes to our believed angel.

Keith and I are the only ones left. It has finally hit me now. The dam that had been holding back my tears finally breaks and they pour out like a relentless flood that is utterly unstoppable. We finally stand up and walk over to where we have one of her very favorite blankets on display. It is her Precious Moments one. We take it down and bring it over to her casket. We then lay it on top of her like we are tucking her in one more time for what will be literally be our very last time. We take her Backyardigans and Wonder Pets friends and arrange them in her casket. In a way it’s like they will be watching over her while she “sleeps.”

I stand there and tell her, “I miss you baby girl. I love you so much. Mommy and Daddy so wish you were still here with us. Our lives will never be the same without you here with us. I love you with all my heart and I ache for you to be here with me. Just know you will never be forgotten. You will always be our precious baby girl.”

I go and sit back down on the couch and start to uncontrollably cry. Keith holds me. Keith’s dad is there to comfort me. Shelly, my best friend who is like a sister to me, comes back in the room and comforts me as well. I think we must have sat there for 10 to 15 minutes before Keith and I finally get back up and walk over to the casket. We say good-bye one last time, kiss her on the forehead, and then walk out of the room.

We only needed four pallbearers for Mari’s casket but we chose to have six instead so we left no one out. They are my brother Erik, two of Keith’s brothers Ruben and Michael, two of his brother-in-laws David and David, and our nephew Devin. They are called back into the room by the Funeral Director. He does whatever he has to so he can prep her casket by securely closing the lid and getting her ready for burial.

When they all come back out they are now carrying her casket. I head out of the building first with them not too far behind me. I stand behind the hearse and watch as they put her in. I do not take my eyes off once. Everyone now gets in the vehicle they will be riding in so they can follow the hearse. There are at least 20 to 25 vehicles taking the hour drive to the cemetery with each one filled to capacity. I think it is amazing how over 75 people followed us to the cemetery for a little girl who was 8 ½ years old while most adults do not have half that many people show for theirs. I guess it goes to show any of us how anyone out there can truly touch the lives of those around them if they will allow it. The whole way there, my eyes are glued on the hearse in front of us as I can see her casket in the rear window.

We finally get to the pavilion type area at the cemetery where a few short words are spoken by the pastors and Army chaplain. We pray and it is over. I just feel so numb. Keith says we should go mingle with everyone since they came all this way. So we get up and talk to a couple of people. Behind me I notice the pallbearers getting ready to roll her away. At this point, it does not dawn on me what this means.

I am sort of talking to someone when all of a sudden I realize that they are rolling Mari to the car that will take her to where she will be laid to rest. They are about half way to the vehicle when I make a b-line for her casket. I watch as they stick her into the vehicle. I walk up and put my hand on her casket. I immediately fall apart and just stand there crying for at least 5 minutes. Everyone starts to gather around me. The Funeral Director tells everyone to please step back and give me my space. I know once they close that door and drive away, reality will sink in that she is really gone.

I finally tell them it’s ok to close the door. I walk away but can only make it about 10 feet when my legs suddenly feel like Jell-O and I can no longer walk. My legs collapse from underneath me and I fall straight to the ground balling. It seems like everyone swarms around me all at once. Finally, Keith is called and he comes over to take care of me. Then Shelly comes over to my other side as well. I can’t move. I can’t believe Mari is really gone. The utter sadness I feel at this moment goes so deep. I know from this point on my life has been forever changed. They are able to finally help me to my feet and get me back into our limo for the ride home.

The day my daughter died I also died with her. A new Kristena has been reborn in her place. I was a stay at home mom taking care of our only child with severe autism to now having no children at home. I have had to try to redefine who I am today. Every day is a struggle with some being harder than the rest. The one thing that gives me peace is to know that Mari and I will be reunited again one day soon up in heaven.

The End

Contemplating Christmas

(I actually wrote this in my notebook on December 17)

T'is the season of joy, happiness & love, or at least that is how it used to be.

Last year, what would have been our first Christmas without Mari, we got to escape and go to Hawaii. I did not have to deal with the glaring reality of Mari not being here.

Now this year has come. It is technically our 2nd Christmas season. But the reality is so different. This is like it is our first one without her instead.

It feels like ever since Thanksgiving Day I have been just getting by. Almost like a shell of a person who keeps pushing me through each day. Then yesterday came and now Mari is officially gone for 18 months. 18 months, it just does not seem real sometimes.

And now everyone is in the throes of Christmas. Holiday parties, cookie parties, get togethers, decorations, and what not. This used to be my most favorite time of the year. I couldn’t wait to pull out the Christmas tree and decorate it the day after Thanksgiving. I would decorate both the inside and the outside of the house. It just felt so festive.

With Mari, she was one of the most bought for children with presents under the tree. I would spend way more than I should on just one child but she was our only child. Some might say that I spoiled her. But I say you really can’t spoil a child with autism as they don’t understand being spoiled.

Christmas morning was just so magical. I can remember that last Christmas not even being able to put the presents under the tree because she had finally learned that opening presents brought her things she knows she wants.

We would go from one present to the next. Sometimes we would have to take away what she opened as she wanted to play with whatever she had. It was just so much fun to watch the little twinkle in her eye and the excitement on her face.

Now to think about decorating brings me utter sadness. To think about Mari opening her presents is now nothing but memories. Memories that are bitter-sweet but still just memories. We will never be able to add to our memories as Mari is gone.

So now I sit here just thinking of her trying to get by and through each day. Today I needed to find an empty notebook to write in. I found one and quickly skimmed through it to see if I could use it and I found something so completely unexpected. It was a notebook Mari had gotten into and I had gotten so mad at her at the time for doing it. She had drawn several pictures throughout this notebook. These are the types of things I have left of her. Just her drawings. The reality is I miss her so much and that makes me miss her all that much more.

I know that one day the missing won’t be as strong but for now it is quite acute.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.

Love, Mommy

The One

I sit here thinking
of the one not here,
the one not far from
my mind but ever present.

The one has a mind
like no one can fathom,
a mind all one's own
with no care in the world.

The mind can do
wondrous things,
to help us to cope
or simply get by.

However, the mind of the one
is all unique and blessed,
the one knows no wrong
or gets scared of the rest.

The one's fears are only
in the head of the one's dreams,
for this person may have seemed
to be unreal to those around.

The one is someone to follow,
to role your own life after,
as the one knows what
unconditional love is like no other.

How can we all learn
from the innocence of the one,
we'll never know in this lifetime
as the one is gone from this earth.

One day we’ll be reunited
and all happiness returned,
as we are living side by side
together for all eternity.

Again I start over by saying
I sit here thinking of the one not here,
the one not far from my mind
as SHE is ALWAYS ever present.

Bad Days They Come and Go

You know, I can sit here all month long and seem to be just fine. Then the 15th comes and something just seems to be just plain flat off. I can't seem to put my finger on it but it is just off. Then at some point during the day (or night) I realize the next day is the 16th.

Yesterday that happened to me again. The last 2 or 3 months I have been doing that. I cannot seem to figure out why I can't focus and then I realize the 16th was the next day, which is now today. Mari has been gone exactly 18 months or for a year and a half.

Then tomorrow will come and if it is like all the other 17th's I will be ok and back to focusing again.

I think I unconsciously try not to think about the 16th even though I know it's coming but ultimately doing this stops me from being able to concentrate on what's coming.

I have officially put the 15th and 16th in my calendar until July to make sure this does not happen again to where I feel blindsided. I figure, worst case scenario is I don't do anything 2 days out of the month. I don't think that is too bad.

Mommy loves you baby girl and she misses you very much.

Love, Mommy

Thanksgiving

(This was actually written on November 26, 2009, Thanksgiving Day, but I have not been able to post it before now.)

Thanksgiving is a day where families and loved ones come together to spend time with one another. It’s a day I do not look forward to.

I used to love this time of year. When anyone first arrives, everyone wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving. Most are genuine while some it’s just what you are supposed to say this day. Like last year, I will nod my head in acknowledgement but I won’t say it back. I feel that saying “it” would be ungenuine on my part and why say something you really don’t mean. Please don’t get me wrong. I love Keith’s family with all my heart; I just don’t feel thankful without having Mar-Mar here. This day makes me just miss her more.

The thing I personally loved the most about Thanksgiving in the past was making my homemade pies. I would make everything from scratch to the best of my ability, to include the best tasting pie crust. I have always loved to make pies since I made my first one as an adult. People tell me they taste great. But to make them for this day is a whole other ball of wax. It means I would be making them to say I was thankful for the day when I am not. So this year we went to Dominick’s and purchased Sara Lee frozen pies: 2 pumpkin, 1 apple, and 1 cherry. I’m sure they will be just fine but I certainly did not feel like making them.

If I had my way, we would not even be going. All I get to do is go over to Keith’s parent’s house and put a fake smile on my face all day. We won’t talk about Mari. I feel like if we talk about Mari, everyone thinks I will fall apart and break like a porcelain doll because I cry. Keith and his family do not like to show emotions. That’s how they were all raised. However, I was raised that crying is just something you do. I cry when I get angry. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m happy. I guess you could say it is how I show my emotions. Whereas I know Keith and his family are truly uncomfortable with that and become uncomfortable around those who do. You can’t fault them for this and this makes them who they are and I love every last one of them. But for me it means I have to put on my fake smile and pretend I am happy to be there when in reality I would rather just stay home for the day.

Now it comes down to eating dinner. Everyone gathers around the dining room table and says what they’re thankful for. Well, I HATE this part now. I HATE it with a passion. To say I am thankful is like I am saying I am “thankful” that Mari is gone. I tend to replace the word “thankful” with “grateful” instead. I know the word is a subtle difference but I can honestly say things I am grateful for. I have been able to say I am grateful I am still here and making it through without Mari being here with us. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. However, in no way shape or form am I thankful for that as I want Mari here with me instead. I hope I am making sense.

The rest of the day will consist of being around each other, talking and doing whatever. Personally, I can’t wait until we are back home again by ourselves and we still have a little over an hour before we even will get there.

So, personally, I will wish everyone a very Grateful day.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you so much.

Love, Mommy

T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.

(I wanted to repost this poem as it means so much to me. I have done some revisions since I had originally posted it. I think it made the poem better.)

The Unexpected Journey

The sudden darkness that hit her was like an overwhelming force of nature and seemed to envelope her all at once. Suddenly off in the distance there appeared what looked like a speck of light. It drew her in as if calling her by name saying, “Ariella, follow the light. It will guide you on your new path.” So she did. As she went, she soared through the air like a majestic eagle.

The light grew bright and more vivid as she drew near. It started to reveal what looked like a giant white door with solid gold trim. Her approach to the door was quite timid. Her uncertainty was written upon her Snow White face. Somewhere deep within her the bravery appeared. She said, “No matter what’s behind that door, I will be ok.”

Her delicate hand was shaking as she lifted her arm. She put it on the golden door handle and turned it ever so gently, so timidly, uncertain what the outcome would reveal until it could no longer rotate. She was as timid as a church mouse peeking his nose through a hole in the wall as she slowly pushed the overpowering door before her. At first, she knew the door would be impossible to budge but soon found out, with much relief, that it was as light as a feather. Even though the door could be easily opened, she did it with slow uncertainty. Then suddenly the door was flung open, like a hurricane type wind had taken over; although there was no evidence even a breeze had been present.

The brightness that came crashing through the open door took her by surprise. At first she had to cover her eyes by the overwhelming brightness. Something within her, maybe curiosity or plain flat fear, had her slowly peek through her fingers like a child who wants to have a quick peek at what mommy and daddy are surprising her with.

At first, she could see nothing, as all was too bright. She slowly removed her hand and her eyes started to adjust to what lie before her. As far as her memory would allow, she had never seen a sight as beautiful and awe inspiring as this.

The path that lies before her was made of gold brick pavers with sterling silver grout. Every building she saw was made of bronze, silver, and gold and all the trees had an abundance of fruit. It seemed as though there was a plethora of everything a person could ever need or want. In other words, this place looked perfect.

What she noticed next were the people. At first it seemed odd yet pleasantly surprising. Everyone was happy. No anger. No sadness. No frustration. No fear. Just utter contentment. She had never seen this before. It somehow warmed her and made her feel at home. Yet through all of this, something felt off, like something was missing.

Then off in the distance she noticed a figure that seemed to be floating her way. At first, she could not tell who or what it was, but as it got closer, the figure appeared to be a woman. She did not have wings but seemed to be soaring through the air. Ariella took a moment to look around and saw that everyone seemed to be floating or flying around her. Some had wings while others did not. She also noticed there were no children. Not one single child was present. She thought this seemed strange but disregarded it for now.

When Ariella looked back towards the woman, she was now standing in front of her. Ariella did not know how she knew this woman but somehow she did. The woman started to speak, “Ariella, I am so happy to finally be able to meet you for the first time. I have been watching over you since the day you were conceived. I know you don’t know me as we have never met but I am your Great-Granny, your mother’s grandmother. You may call me Granny. I have loved you since the day God blessed your Mommy and Daddy with giving you life. I am here now to welcome you to Heaven.”

To Ariella’s surprise, she fell into her Granny’s arms. She had such relief fall over her. Suddenly, sadness grabbed her. It became written upon her face and her body became tense. Granny stepped back as she could feel the change within her.

“Ariella, what is wrong? I can see and feel your sadness.”

“Granny, where am I at? Where is my Mommy and Daddy? Why aren’t they here with me? I miss them so much.”

“Sweetheart, you died down on Earth and have now become alive and reborn up in heaven. You live here now with your Heavenly Father.”

“What do you mean I died?!?!” And then it hit Ariella like a ton of bricks. She had suddenly become ill from a mysterious illness. She remembers her Mommy and Daddy being there by her side the entire time. Then in a sudden flash she sees her Mommy holding her tight as she sobbingly cries and her Daddy with his arm around her as well. Her Mommy whispers in her ear, “Mommy and Daddy will be ok. It’s ok to leave. We will miss you so much. Know that we love you but it is ok to go. We will be reunited someday soon.” Her Mommy continued to hold her until she took her final breathe. Her next memory is seeing the light bringing her to the door of heaven. Her sudden realization that she would never see her Mommy and Daddy again brought about a deep sense of loss and despair and was written upon her face.

Granny took one look at her and understood Ariella’s realization and said, “Sweetheart, don’t be sad. You will be only temporarily separated from your Mommy and Daddy. In what will seem like only an instant in heaven, you will one day be reunited again as this is not forever but only as a short separation here in eternity.”

With that, Ariella gave Granny a great big hug. She had such relief wash over her and said, “Thank you.”

Suddenly Granny knew what would help her to feel better and said, “Ariella, I want to take you some place special. I go there at least once a day if not more often. It is a place that brings me utter joy and happiness and I know it will do the same thing for you as well.” Ariella could feel the excitement rush through her veins as she anxiously followed her Granny to where she was taking her.

As they started to proceed forward, Ariella realized for the first time that she no longer walked but soared about a foot above the ground. She then realized not a single sole in heaven walked. Those with wings flew and those without soared like she was doing.

She stopped and asked Granny, “Why am I not walking? Why is everyone soaring through the air?”

“Sweetheart, no one walks once they come to heaven. Those with wings are God’s angels who have been here watching over us since the beginning of time. All of those without wings have died down on Earth and have been reborn again up here in heaven with their new heavenly body. Would you like to see what you look like now that you are in heaven?”

Ariella was unsure if she did but her curiosity got the better of her and she said, “Yes I would.”

So with the snap of Granny’s fingers, a full length mirror appeared in front of Ariella. She was shocked by what she saw.

“Granny, is this really me?!?!”

“Yes, sweetie it is. You are no longer eight years old but are now all grown up. You’ve probably noticed there are no children up here in Heaven. When a child dies on Earth, they are reborn in the adult body they would have grown into. You no longer have autism but are now perfect up here in heaven. There is no more disease or disabilities. Everyone is perfect in their heavenly body.” Ariella was so amazed and grateful to God for allowing her this new heavenly body. She wished she could thank Him in person.

In an instant, a man with a divine glow appeared before her. Somehow this did not frighten her and she became instantly at peace. The man started to speak. “Welcome Ariella. I am Jesus. I wanted to tell you how very proud I am of you. I have loved you since the beginning of time as you are one of my cherished children. I love you my child and I have always wanted the best for you.

“I am sorry that your time on Earth may have seemed short. Just know you filled your purpose there. One day soon you will be reunited with your Mommy and Daddy. For now, I still have much planned for them and they are not done with their purpose yet. Know they will always love you and miss you very much while the three of you are apart. Thank you for loving me and welcome to your new eternal heavenly home.” He reached out and gave Ariella a hug and a kiss on her forehead. Then, just as quickly as he had appeared, he disappeared as well.

“Wasn’t that the neatest experience you’ve ever had being able to meet our Lord and Savior?” said Granny.

“Oh my, yes it was. I never truly understood who Jesus was because of my autism. I am so thankful he understands not everyone can get to know Him while on Earth but allows us to get to know Him up here in heaven.

“Granny, will you please take me to that special place you were talking about now?”

“Well, since you said ‘please’,” with a small mischievous twinkle in her eye.

They quickly soared through the air to a place that somehow had Ariella’s name above it. It seemed to be so empty yet completely full at the same time. There were no other angels or spirits around her. Just what looked like big fluffy clouds that were flat in the front.

“Ariella, what is your greatest hope, your greatest desire?”

“Well, to be with my Mommy and Daddy again,” said Ariella.

And just like that, what looked like a movie started to play in front of her on those clouds. It was her Mommy and Daddy. They were sitting at home holding each other. This was the very night Ariella had passed away. Mommy was sobbing while Daddy had stunned shock written upon his face.

“Granny, what is this?” asked Ariella as she was sad to see her parents this way.

“This is your special place where you can come and watch over your Mommy and Daddy. You can come here as often as you want to. I have one too. We all have one up here in heaven to look in on our own loved ones we left behind on Earth.

“Think of this as being a way to guide, protect, and watch over your loved ones from far away. Not that we can change their course in life as only God can do that. However, it is a way to send them encouragement and let them know we are somehow watching over them until you are all reunited again.”

Ariella rushed over to Granny and gave her a hug. “Thank you Granny. This is better than I ever could have imagined.”

“Sweetheart, you are more than welcome, but I am not the one to thank. It is our Heavenly Father who has done this for us. Know that I am here for you if you ever need me.” Then in an instant, Granny too had gone. She was now all alone in her own special place.

She looked back at her parents and then floated over to the clouds. To Ariella’s amazement it was like she was able to touch them for real. She decided to spread her arms out and put them around her Mommy and Daddy to send them a big hug. She also whispered to them these special words:

"Mommy and Daddy, I love you both so much. I know that you miss me and wish I was still there with you. I wish that too. Just know I am in heaven and have my own special place. I am going to watch over you constantly sending you my love. In those sad moments just look up to heaven as I am here taking care of you until we can be reunited again. I will love you always. Your Baby Girl."

With all of that said, Ariella released her heavenly hug and stepped back. What she immediately noticed was her Mommy had quit crying and they appeared suddenly at peace.

“Honey did you just feel that? It was like Ariella just gave us a hug. It’s like she is watching over us,” said Mommy.

Daddy said, “Yeah, I can’t believe you felt that too. It was simply unbelievable.

“Baby Girl, we just know you’re up there watching over us. Know how much we love you and miss you.”

Ariella lifted her head and said, “Father in Heaven, thank you so much for everything.” For the first time in her life, she knew God had heard her. She went on watching her parents, taking care of them until they could be reunited again.

The End

(This my next assignment written for my class. I had to create a fictional story. I hope that everyone enjoys it.)

Mariana: A Personality Exuded

Mariana is my 8½ year old little angel who may be as misunderstood as how her name is pronounced. Her name is not Mary-anne-a but instead Mari‑ē‑an‑na. For short, everyone calls her Mari. She may have a shortened nickname but she is anything but short on personality.

She can walk into a room and bring life to a stagnant crowd. The energy she exudes brings those around her back to a child like state. I often say, “If we could bottle up all her energy we might be able to light up an entire city.”

The first thing people notice is her eyes. She has engagingly wide-open Caribbean blue eyes. Just like the Caribbean’s vibrant blue clear waters where one can see to the bottom, when looking into Mari’s eyes it is as if you could see to the bottom of her animated, carefree soul. She has deep, dark, golden blond hair with a touch of sun kissed red hues throughout coming barely above her slender shoulders. She has the face of an angel whose halo gleams brightly. Her Snow White skin always feels so silky smooth to the touch. She has the waist of a model that has to have a belt to hold up her pants.

Mari has severe autism and due to this, she has many idiosyncrasies. First, she has an oral fixation where she constantly needs to chew on something or put something in her mouth. For example, her hands are like popsicles as she constantly licks them.

She also seems to live in her own little world where she can escape any time she chooses to. Her world must contain nothing but happiness as there is hardly a moment without a vibrant, vivacious smile implanted upon her angelic face. She can start laughing at a moment’s notice with what seems like nothing to those around her. However, she can real everyone into laughing with her. Her infectious laughter is like a football player when he scores the winning touchdown and the stadium cannot help but to erupt into elated cheers along with the player.

She has the deductive reasoning skills of an adult three times her age. However, her lack of safety awareness is the most disturbing and frightening of all. Her little determined, strong willed mind always finds a way to get onto the second floor, flat roof so she can do her laughing, dancing and singing back in her own little world, Mari’s world.

When she talks she has a sweet sounding voice like that of a heavenly angel. However, when she is either excited or not getting her way, she can let out these ear-piercing squeals at the top of her lungs. When she draws or writes she goes, “Aweeeeeeeee” in a long, drawn out way. Whenever she becomes excited her arms start to flap like she is ready for takeoff and to sore like an eagle around the room.

All of this is of an angel who left this earth prematurely for heaven back on July 16, 2008. One can only imagine that she is now in heaven finally able to fly with her arms as her wings while she exudes the personality of a saintly angel with all the love she can give to those around her.

(I am in a class to help me to become a better writer and my first assignment was to describe someone I knew. At first I was going to describe Keith and then decided who do I think about all the time, well Mari of course. I hope all of you like what I wrote. I hope that those of you who knew her and relate to what I wrote and to those of you who never were able to meet her I hope this helps you to get to know her a little bit better.)

Justing Sitting Here...

As I sit here, I am readily thinking of Mari this morning. I sit here with a smile on my face at how that little angel could uplift the lives of so many while at the same time I have a dog at my feet just whining to get up on my lap and have some attention.

It amazes me sometimes at how much my life has now changed from over a year ago. I was a stay at home mom taking care of a severely autistic child. My life was almost all consuming with making sure Mari was watched almost all the time as you did not know whether she would escape through a window somewhere in the house or would find the extra key I had hidden in the house to unlock the deadbolt to door so she could go play in her own little world outside.

I have always wondered what kind of world she had lived in. I think it must have been nice. It was like she could go away and escape everything that was around her. I think we all wish we had that ability sometimes to just escape the life around us for a little while. This is partly what made Mari so special. I can remember just watching her as she would just start to laugh at what seemed like to you absolutely nothing. I mean there was nothing she was playing with physically. She wasn’t watching anything on TV and she wasn’t doing anything but just sitting there. She could just laugh though. It was so neat to just watch her sometimes. I guess those are some of the things I truly miss the most. But to be able to look back on those memories at least puts a smile on my face while at the same time having me miss her all the more.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you so much.
Love Mommy

Thinking about Mari

I was just sitting here tonight thinking about Mari. Keith and I went to a new grief support group specifically for parents who have lost a child they were still raising, so the child they lost are under 18 for the most part.

It was nice to go to a group that for the first time truly understood what it was like to lose a child well before their time. Most of the children seemed to have died from a disease like cancer or a sudden death. Mari’s is still hard for me to classify as it was not sudden but it also did not last month’s either. But I guess the point is that it is nice to connect to other parents who have been either where I am now or that maybe, just maybe, I can be there for a parent who has yet to be where I am at now.

It seems that that first year without Mari there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. There just seemed to be utter darkness and I may have even been pretty severely depressed. But now the summer is over. Both of my nieces came out to visit this summer, at different times, but it was nice to have them here and having them here enabled me to be distracted from always thinking about Mari. It’s not that I didn’t think about here, because obviously I did. However, it was not as acute as before. And now that we have passed over the 1 year hump, the 1 year mark of her being gone (I hate to say anniversary as that always signifies to me haplessness and there is nothing happy about Mari being gone), I can honestly say that I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not cry like I used to. I still have moments. But they seem to be fewer and fewer. Yesterday I was doing my business and I was on the phone setting an appointment with a prospect when at the end of our conversation I ended up just starting to cry. I cried and cried and cried. I finally got ahold of a friend who just listened. It is times like these that I just miss her so much. But then I was able to pull myself back together and I was able to carry on with my day.

Tonight at our group, I just realized how truly happy and lucky I am to have Keith in my life. I realize that by no means do we grieve alike (in that area we are eons apart) but that is ok because we are there for each other in the ways the other one needs. Keith needs the physical side of things like cuddling and what not and I need the emotional like him coming to the group meeting tonight when I know he hates going to those kinds of things. I guess for us, it was a good thing that our marriage was as strong and solid as it was before Mari passed or I have a feelings that things would not be as good as they are right now. I mean, don’t get me wrong. We still have our fights and we can really get into it sometimes. But over all we are truly there for each other when it counts the most.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you so much.

Love Mommy

Time Keeps on Treking

It seems as though time continues to trek on. Time is a never ending cycle of both grief and happiness all rolled up into one.

A little over a year ago I lost the one thing most precious to me and that was my baby girl Mariana. Mari is always thought about and is always missed. For anyone who was fortunate enough to meet her their lives were forever imprinted and changed to have known her. She had such a special spirit about her. She had an infectious laugh where sometimes she would just start laughing and you had not clue what was so funny but what ever was playing in her mind it must have been a duzzie.

I can honestly say that, no I have not gotten over the loss of my daughter, I probably never will, but the pain is not so acute. Most of my days are no longer filled with tears and sadness. The hospital stay is not what is forefront on my mind. But those days still come.

Like two days ago I was looking for pictures to post on Facebook and I happen to run into the pictures I took of her while she was in the hospital. To know she is gone still hurts so much but I guess that is what time is truly for. No, IT DOES NOT HEAL ANYTHING. However, time does become what you need because as time continues to go by the pain will become less and less.

When it first happens you almost can’t breathe. You can see no light at the end of the tunnel and you feel utterly hopeless. But whether you like it or not time continue to trek on and you have gone through your first year without your precious child and time has given you what you thought was not possible: Some happiness back and the ability to be able to move on with your life (even though you may not want to as you will always want your child back).

I want to personally thank all of my family, friends and anyone else who may read this site for being so supportive over the past year.

I miss you baby girl and mommy loves you so very much.

Love Mommy

When We Think of 4th of July

When we think of 4th of July, we think of celebrations and get togethers.

Get togethers with family.
Get togethers with friends.
Get togethers with co-workers.
Get togethers with strangers.

It is a time of celebrations and fun.
A time to enjoy each others company.
A time to reminisce with those you have not seen in a while.
A time to enjoy the fireworks and festivities.
A time to enjoy parades.
A time to enjoy the children’s faces light up over seeing the fireworks show or writing their name out with their sparkler.
To put it simply, it is a time where everyone comes together to celebrate and have a good time.

When I think of the 4th of July it is now forever tainted with the memory of sitting in Mari’s hospital room last year at this same time and watching the beautiful fireworks displays from her hospital room window. Not realizing at the time that the very next day we would start to lose Mari forever. That the very next day her kidney’s would go into complete failure and the day after that she would have a stroke. 4th of July will forever be remembered by me as the last day with my beautiful baby girl & thinking my life was still ok.

I used to love the 4th of July with all of its glitter and shine and now all it brings me is sad memories and regret.

I know in time the pain will slowly ease but as of today it is just sadness.

A Mother’s Love Never Fades

Life’s been a fog, a fuzzy, sad haze
As one year has come, a moment we dread
What in life can bring so much sadness
With lots of tears and feeling so empty

It’s a mother’s love and the loss of her child
The one that she bore and then buried 8 short years later
When her child was born, she had so much hope
Her child became part of her everything, making her life finally complete

Yet the child had autism, which changes her hopes and dreams
They included so many things, but a mother’s love is one strong force of nature
The dreams she once had of college and her child’s wedding,
Now had all shifted to communicating and her child’s safety

As the years went by, her child was so loved
But at the same time was harder to take care of
There were days of frustration and absolute sadness
She sometimes felt utter despair and total madness

Her child lived in their own little world
Dancing on the roof or in the street was quite the norm
Her child had no cares in their own perfect world
Always having their way and playing all day

The child was so happy, always laughing and singing
The child’s face was like an angelic angel which could make you laugh or sometimes cry
The mother thought it can’t get much worse than this
She had so many hard moments but her love for her child won in the end

The mother had no clue as to what was about to ensnare her
What she thought had been hard was nothing compared to this
Her life would forever change in one brief simple moment
As her child became sick with a simple case of diarrhea

Unfortunately for the mother there was nothing simple to this
It turned out to be E-coli and so much more complicated than could ever be imagined
The mother had to watch as her child deteriorated in front of her eyes
The child became lifeless and empty and could only lay in her bed

From a bright, vivacious child full of life, love and hope
To two weeks, two days later her child leaving for heaven in the sky
So it has been a year since the loss of her child
A year of utter sadness and emptiness always by her side

The emptiness she feels is never gone
All she does at night is wish this would go away
She still hopes this is all a bad dream
That tomorrow morning she will wake up and her precious will still be here

But tomorrow comes and she is still all alone
Her child is forever gone and she learns to live life all a new
The one thing that gives her solace is she will one day be reunited
Not in this life but in the here after

Her sadness will always be there, this is not hard to imagine
However, she learns to live life the best she can with those that love her by her side
So a year has gone by which is still hard to imagine
But in the end all is ok as a mother’s love continues on for all eternity

Approaching 11 months…

We are now approaching 11 months that Mari has been gone. June 16^th will be exactly 11 months. Whether we want it to or not time just continues to carry on.

I was going through this site a little while ago and realized that I had not posted anything new since Mother's day. It has been hard this last month and I know as the day approaches the 1 year mark it will just continue to get harder. Then I was reading the comment that someone wrote annonomously. What the person said was basically that I sound depressed and that I need to get help before I drive everyone around me crazy. I could not believe what this person said. Either they do not understand that I am obviously going to be sad and I may even be depressed but was there any reason what so ever for this person to write that comment. All it did was hurt me. Or the only other reason I came comprehend why someone would write that is because this person is unfeeling and just did not care that it would hurt me.

The only reason why I write on this site is so that the people around me can understand a little bit of what it is like to lose a child, especially your one and only child, and how hard life has been for me as the mother. I guess what I am saying here and what I am asking of everyone is that if you have something to tell me and want to make a comment, please really think about what you are saying first before you write it as you never know how hurt someone may be by that comment. Thank you for your understanding everyone.

As a side note, due to what this person wrote as a comment, I have had to take away the ability to allow people to post comments annonomously. From now on, please become a follower of the site and then you will be able to make a comment on any post I make. I hope everyone understands.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.

Mother's Day is Here

Well, it is officially Mother’s Day. A day of celebrating our mother’s or to be celebrated by our children. Today should be a day of utter happiness and excitement. To be remember for just being the women who are loved by those around us.

If Mari was here today she would not even understand what today was. Keith would be the one to go and get me a gift and say it was from Mari. Mari would just be her normal, everyday self not realizing that it’s a day to celebrate me. A day to say, “I love you mommy and I am so glad that God gave you to me.” She would never have understood the importance of today. Yet, me as her mommy, I was so incredibly gifted to have her in my life. She brought us so much pain and so much joy, so much heartache and so much sheer excitement. So much of just everything.

Mari had severe autism and yet somehow everyone she has ever touched in her life fell in love with her. No one could resist that beautiful smile.

I had a friend last night ask if I was going to visit her grave today. To be honest, I had not even thought about it. I just don’t know if that would help me today. To know she is not here is so unbearable sometimes. I just miss her so much. Yet we add the icing on the cake today and it is Mother’s Day. A day for her to remember me. Just a day to be remembered as mothers.

The realization sometimes that Mari is not longer here just seems like I am living a nightmare. I went to bed last night and said to myself, “Please let this all just be a bad nightmare and when I wake up in the morning let Mari be here.” Of course she was not but I hope for that all the time. Then today comes and it is all the more acute.

I just miss her so much. I love you baby girl.

It's coming...

I have really tried not to think about it. Yet it is coming. I don’t want it to come. Yet friends keep reminding me. I wish it would just go away. Yet I receive a letter in the mail to say I am being thought about during it.

MOTHER’S DAY!!

Mother’s Day is coming whether I want it to or not. It is supposed to be a time of celebration for being a mother. Our Mothers, Grandmothers, Great-Grandmothers, and sometimes even Great-Great-Grandmothers are all remember this day and celebrated as the ones we love.

Then there are those that are the mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and great-great-grandmothers where it is our special day. It is the day created because we have the privilege of being mothers.

Then there are those mothers like myself that all this day will bring is utter sadness. It will not be a day of joy and celebration because my daughter was ripped from me. I am no longer a mother here on this earth. Yes, I am a mother of a child but that child is no here on this earth. She is up in heaven. Mari is gone.

All I get to do this day is remember that I no longer have my precious baby girl here on this earth with me. She is gone and yet I get the bittersweet memories of her being her just last year to now having her gone for this year. I wish it would just go away.

I know that Mother’s Day is a special day for mothers but I just wish it would not come this year. I probably wish it would permanently go away but no matter how much wishing I do I know it will continue to come every year anyway.

I miss you MarMar. I love you baby girl.

Shopping...

Keith and I were just sitting here discussing how there is hardly any food in the house. I don’t do the grocery shopping like I used to any more. It’s typically just me at home in the house most of the time. Keith is at work ridiculously long hours Monday through Friday, and then sometimes even on Saturday, especially right now that he is acting first sergeant of his company while his first sergeant is off at first sergeant school. So, my line of thinking is why do we need that much food in the house all of the time if it is just me.

Then it got me to thinking about why don’t I go shopping more. I used to go shopping every two weeks when Keith would get paid. I would stock up on all the things we needed all the time. We always had a ton of food. It seems like we used to go through a minimum of 4 loaves of bread about every two weeks because Mari’s staple for at least one meal a day, sometimes two was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We were always surprised at how she never got tired of them.

But now anytime I go into any store it seems like I can always find something that either reminds me of Mari or find something that I would have bought for her if she was still here. For example, going into Walgreens, I could find a toy from the movie “Cars” or maybe a DVD she would have liked. The grocery store is a little better but I hardly ever go to an actual grocery story. I typically just go to Target since they have a mini grocery store there, they just don’t have fresh fruits, veggies, or meats. It is a smaller selection but it works for us.

The problem with going into Target is you almost instantly run into the kids clothing department, or you go by the toy department, or the kids shoes, or even just see the DVD section with her favorite movies like “Cars.” It is always there where we go. It does not matter the store, it is just there. The reminders and things I would have bought for her.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a shop-a-holic (like someone who is an alcoholic only I have spending issues). I hardly go shopping now. It’s not that it is under control it is just that is it so hard to see everything that brings me to thinking about Mari. I don’t know when or if this will ever stop but I know as of right now it is still so fresh in my mind. She would probably be fitting fully into her size 7 clothes that had been almost too big for her last summer, and yet she never will now.

All I know is that I miss her so desperately. I love you baby girl.

Pictures...

Today I sit here thinking about my wonderful husband. He has been my rock through all of this. He has been the one to help get me through. Keith has been my everything and I am sure he will continue to be for many years to come.

Today has been a good day for me. I have not cried and I have not felt as sad as I normally am. This is a good thing.


The two paragraphs above were written yesterday.

Pictures. All of a sudden I am sitting here thinking about pictures. I started to think about pictures because of my profile pictures I have on Facebook. I initially had a pictures of me, Keith and Mari together. Recently I changed it to a picture of just me. Then that got me to thinking. I was thinking about one of the last time I had had a picture taken of me by myself. It has been several years. Then I got to thinking about when that exactly was. I think the last time I had a professional picture taken of me by myself is before we had Mari. I would have our family picture done, but that only consisted of Keith and I. We would have a couple together and then we would have one done of each one of us by ourselves. I would always stick the one of us together in the middle and then our individual pictures on the other side. We have not done that in years.

With Mari, the focus has always been Mari. One time Keith and I took a picture of us together but we also had two family pictures and pictures of Mari by herself along with Keith and I each being alone with Mari.

Now we have to go back to having a family picture done of us just the two of us again. How does this seem right. It just doesn’t. I am at such a loss. I was sitting her playing on Facebook and just procrastinating on getting to my homework and then for some reason I started thinking about my profile pic.

I have had our family pictures done almost every year right around Christmas time so that I can send everyone an updated picture of us for the year. December 2007 we were moving and I just said we would do it next year. Now there is now next year. Mari is gone. Now we HAVE to go back to the way we used to do it. I cannot stand that.

I think when we go to get our first family picture done without Mari that I may bring a picture of her along with us as in my heart and my mind she will just be our little angel there with us. I just miss her so much. I love you baby girl.

I typically sit in my house during the day by myself, with no TV on or a radio playing in the background. It is just quiet (other than my puppy and kitty playing). But today I decided to open of Windows Media Center and play some of my songs. Then I go to thinking about Natalie Grant's song. My cousin Tracey had sent me her CD Awaken about two months after Mari had died and the song "Held" struck me right to the heart. These are the words, and to hear the song is even more powerful. I just thought I would like to share these words with you. The parts in [ ] I changed to fit what our situation was. Please let me know what you think of these words and if they had any effect on you like they did me.

Held

Two [weeks] is too little
They let [her] go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from [her] mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

CHORUS
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

CHORUS
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

CHORUS
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

How am I supposed to live my life without her?

How am I supposed to live my life without her? How am I supposed to? I sit here in complete confusion as to how I am supposed to do this. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don’t understand. I just simply don’t understand. Mari is gone and yet I am still here. Mari is gone and yet I am just supposed to move on with my life. But Mari is gone. There is not an instruction manual on how to move on with your life once your one and only child is gone from it. I just don’t know how. I wish there was just some tried and true method that would just help you to get over your grief and despair but there isn’t. There is absolutely nothing else on the face of the planet, in this world, that can make this easier.

Time. Is time what is supposed to help me to heal? I seriously doubt it. Time has done nothing for me and I am sure it will continue to do nothing for me in the future. All time is doing is just having the days pass by. I guess you could say time is a stair case. It is a stair case that I climb each and every day. Sometimes the stairs are incredibly steep and narrow, and incredibly hard to climb. Whereas other days, the stairs are incredibly wide and almost flat. The steep and narrow stair days are the day I just don’t know how I am supposed to get through. They are the incredibly hard days or hard times, like what I am going through tonight just trying to go to sleep at 3 in the morning. The wide and flat days are my ok days. Those are the days I can put a smile on my face and not cry. Those are the days I am not thinking about Mari and how much I am missing her all the time. This stair case I am on is a climb I will be on until I die one day and the top of the stair is that day when I have finally reached the top where Mari is waiting for me at the very last stair. She is waiting there for me with open arms. But until that day I am incredibly sad.

It seems like almost every night I am thinking of my beautiful baby girl. Here lately it has been about her last few days on this earth, or the wake and/or the funeral. I just remember looking back at her funeral and realizing that I would never be able to see my little girl again. She is just gone. Yet I am still here to remember her while I am on this earth. How is this possible? It was just not supposed to happen this way. The order is so out of whack. No one is going to ever help me to understand why Mari was taken from me. NO ONE!!! It will never make sense. We try to make sense of loss like this, we as human beings, but there is nothing that makes sense when a mother (or a father) loses a child this early in life, or for that matter, the child dying before the parent does. NOTHING!!!

I sit here almost every night just wishing this was all a bad dream and that tomorrow morning I will be waking up and I will hear her sweet little voice singing in the monitor to wake me up like she had done for so many years. I miss that sweet little voice more than I ever thought humanly possible.

Tonight I sit here in my creative writing nonfiction class and I am having such a hard time concentrating. I just wish I had stayed home tonight instead of coming to class. I feel bad because I was not as prepared as I would normally have been. I had only fully read one of the two stories. I had only ready about the first third of the second story and about the last third. I briefly skimmed through the middle section. I felt totally unprepared when it came to the quiz tonight. He asked three questions from each story. I had the first three down without a problem because I had fully read the story. But that second one is what really had gotten me. The first question I got without a problem only because I felt fortunate enough that right before the quiz I had just flipped the middle part of the story and had read that part. But the second question, I just simply did not know. I didn’t know because I had not read that part. The third and final question I somewhat remember and I was glad I could get five out of the six correct. He only requires 5 correct questions when he asks these to get a 100%. I am just grateful for that.

In our class we are also supposed to workshop two students papers each week. Well, this week we were workshopping two of the professors papers. I felt terrible because I had not read his papers either. I sat here reading one of his essays but had not gotten to the other. When it came time to critique, of course the one I had not read yet is the one we were workshopping first. I was given grief over this but I said, “At least I did lie and say something about it when I had not read it.” I think being honest is more important than just worrying about saying something.

I am so glad this semester is almost over. I need it to be over. I have only class tomorrow, and then Monday and Wednesday of next week for my American Lit II class and my biology class, and then I only have one class left of creative writing after tonight. Then the following week is finals but I only have a final in American Lit class. I am just so glad this semester is basically done.

I miss Mari so much today. I'm not even sure why.

I talked with an old family friend I have known since I was probably about 4 or 5 years old today. She lost a son a couple of years ago so she knows what it is like to lose a child. She is a good person to talk to.

For some reason I keep thinking back to the Saturday, the day after her cerebral hemorage and cardiac arrest, and when the PICU attending told us it was the worst CT scan she had ever seen. How that day it felt like my world had fall out from under neath me. The nurse was a sweetheart that day. She asked if I wanted to lay beside Mari. I said yes. So she moved her over and I went to sleep beside her. That was the very last time I ever got to do that. I just keep thinking about this moment. How special it was to me and just how much I miss her.

We went to Midevil Times last night. It was so much fun. I just keep thinking how much Mari would have loved it and yet she will never be able to see it.

I talked to my grief counselor this past week about whether I should write on this website everyday. I have not been writing everyday because I did not want to sound redundant. She said that what will happen over time is my grief will change as will what I write in here. It will be like all of you are growing with my through my grief. I hope by me posting everyday it will help you to understand me better.

I love you Mari and I miss you so much.
Love Mommy

A friend of mine told me she comes to this website everyday to see what I have posted and is disappointed when there isn't anything. I am going to try something new. I want to try to post at least one thing a day just to let you all know how I am doing. Sometimes I will just tell you how my day went and other times I will write out something like I usually post. I hope everyone will like this. Please keep your comments coming as I love to hear feedback from those who care about me, Mari and Keith. We love all of you.

Today was both a good day and a hard day for me. Keith and I went to Midevil Times. I just kept thinking how much fun Mari would have had if she were still here. She would have loved to see the live horses, the hawk flying around the area, and the different things the knights were doing. On the way home I just got so sad. I started to think about her time in the hospital and just how much I missed her.

Loneliness

Today is a day of utter loneliness. I can’t explain it. All I want to do is just sit here and cry. I am at home all alone. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone yet I wish someone was here. Keith is at work. Those that I do call are either not answering their phones or they are out and about running errands. I know it is not anyone’s job to keep me company or help me to feel better. I just wish I did not feel so lonely. The loneliness goes clear to the very bottom of my heart, the depths of my soul. I can’t concentrate on anything else. I just sit here crying. I know ultimately it has to be because I miss Mari so very much but at the same time there is not a specific thing that is making me feel lonely. I just am.

Those around you try to comfort you but they really don’t know what to say or do. Either they tell you they don’t know what to say or they just simply ignore you as they are afraid I might be a porcelain doll or something that might break.

I sit here during the day trying to distract myself by playing around on Facebook most of the time. I don’t do my homework like I am supposed to (although I am getting all A’s in my classes at this point). I am supposed to graduate in May with my graduation ceremony being on May 16th. I started going to school after Mari died so I could finally feel like I accomplished something and since I have been going on and off to school since 1995. I will finally be graduating with my associates in business.

I had decided many years ago that I wanted my accounting degree. My husband thought I was nuts (as do most people) as he thinks accounting is boring, tedious, and simply does not understand it. Whereas I LOVE accounting. I understand it and it comes so naturally for me. I love to do budgets and balancing things. But school has been the hardest it has ever been for me in the last 7 months. I just do not have the concentration I need to keep my focus going.

I am supposed to finish my final from LAST semester for Statistics because I feel apart in the middle of taking it at the end of last semester. I could not finish it. The professor gave me an incomplete and I am supposed to take it this semester at some point. I just can’t seem to concentrate enough to even study for it.

I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Why can’t I do something as simple as studying for my classes? You would think that it would keep me distracted from the obvious loss but it doesn’t.

I only have a month left of school and then I will be taking a break most classes. I am going to take another creative writing class but this time it is about poetry. I am looking forward to that and it will give me something to do.

Mari, please know how very much mommy misses you. I wish you were here and someday (only God knows when) we will be reunited again. I love you baby girl.

Marie’s Unrealized Dream

I wanted to share this story with everyone. I hope you all enjoy it.

It is a beautiful mid-spring afternoon. The temperature outside is approximately 75 degrees. It is a perfect day to accomplish what had been eluding Marie since she started. Could it happen today? Could that all important achievement happen in her life today of all days? She definitely doubts herself. She hasn’t been able to do it as of yet. Every attempt has ultimately ended in defeat. She leaves utterly disappointed because, yet again, she is unsuccessful in her one goal: being able to finally go up to the base during a softball game and hit the ball for the first time.

Marie’s mom had decided to enroll her for the very first time into the Bobby Sox Softball League during her fourth grade year. Marie was put on a team with a coach whom had placed first place almost every year she coached. This year the coach expected no less from her players and expected to win first place yet one more time.

Marie found out rather quickly that softball was not her strong suit. She very rarely was able to hit the ball during practice and had been unable to hit it once during a game. She was always stuck in the outfield as she was not a very good at fielding either. Typically she was only allowed to play for one or two innings as the coach would rather win the game with the players that were good than to allow a child to play very long that wasn’t. Overall, Marie’s natural ability must have been hidden quite well from everyone, to include herself. However, she did know that one day she would finally be able to hit that ball and she just knew that today was going to be that day.

As per the norm before any game was to begin, the coach had all of her girls go out onto the field to warm up. Marie did not know what good this would do her as it never helped one way or the other, but she did as she was told. Even though she was not very good, she still enjoyed being a part of the team and had fun watching her teammates win games. Today she knew it would be no different. She fully expected her brilliant team to win the game but she had no doubt it would not be because of anything she did. However, she knew she had to try as the only way to change the course your headed on is to do something different.

The coach finally called everyone back to the dugout and had a pep talk before the game began. She told the girls that today was no different than any other game. She expects them to win and she would accept no less.

The umpire told each team’s coach that it was time to start the game. The other team was to bat first. So, Marie’s team headed out to the field and she stayed on the bench to keep it warm for her fellow teammates. She would hate for any of them to have to come back and sit on a cold bench once it was their time to bat. Besides, what better way to root her team on than to be able to see everyone and yell loudly from the sidelines: it’s every players dream.

The first half of the inning went by as expected. The pitcher pitched three up and then three down in what seemed like an instant. The team quickly came off the field to have their chance at bat. The second half of the inning went completely opposite as had the first because her team was actually successful at hitting the ball. Her team went quickly up five to zero by the end of the inning.

Marie continued to sit on the bench and watch her team. The second inning came and gone, and then the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth. Finally the seventh inning came and the coach finally put Marie into the game. She always was placed in the outfield and today was no different. The coach placed her in right field. It seems at this age that most of the balls were usually hit into infield and so there was not much Marie had to do when she had her opportunity out there.

The pitcher did her job and the inning was over in what seemed like a heartbeat. Marie was to be the second player at bat that inning. The girl before her was in the eighth batters position which put Marie into the ninth. The very last position for any player that was not good at batting the softball. Marie definitely fell into that category. She knew she was not very good but she did not care. Each and every time she went up to bat she put her heart and soul into batting and she tried with everything she had in her to make her teammates proud.

The girl before Marie went up to bat. The first pitch thrown to her was a ball. The second pitch was another ball. The third pitch she swung and missed. The fourth pitch was directly over the plate and she swung hard. She hit it out into the outfield and the outfielder missed the ball. She got a double from the play. Now it was time for Marie to come up to bat. She was nervous but knew deep down in her heart that today was finally going to be the day. She was going to not only hit the ball but make it to base.

Marie slowly walked up to base. The crowd is cheering. The opposing team is chanting, “Here batter, batter. Swing batter, batter. Miss.” Marie stands in the batter’s box. She is a right hander. The pitcher pitches the first ball and Marie swings and misses. The pitcher pitches the second ball but Marie lets the softball go by. It was close but it was a ball. The third pitch she swings again and misses. Marie now only has one strike left. She becomes more nervous because she just knows that today is the day. She just knows that she will hit that ball out into the outfield and make it on base.

The pitcher is ready to throw her fourth pitch. Marie is ready. It seems as if time stood still while the pitcher released the softball for her pitch. It is almost like Marie can see the ball coming at her in slow motion. What took all of about two seconds to throw seemed to take about 30 seconds in Marie’s mind. She swung the bat hard as the softball came at her.

The next thing she knows is the ball is hit above the third base person’s head and goes into the outfield where the left fielder cannot get to the ball in time to make the catch. Marie runs with all of her might to first base as the left fielder picks up the softball and immediately throws it. Again, it seems as though time stopped. Just as Marie crossed over first base, the first baseman caught the ball. The umpired yells, “Safe! Tie goes to runner!”

Marie has done it. She not only hit the ball for the first time in a game but she made it onto base and her teammate was able to make it all the way home from second base. Marie had done the unlikely by not only hitting the ball and making it to base, but she had actually scored a run for her team. The game ended with a score of thirteen to two, with Marie’s team obviously winning the game.

Marie’s season continued on with Marie getting her one chance to play each game. She seldom hit the ball and the team ended up winning first place yet one more time. For Marie, or as most of her friends and family know her as Kristena, that day will never be forgotten when she had hit her very first softball during a game and made it to base.

Today has been a day

Today has been a good day. I can honestly say I do not have too many of those. It seems like they only come now and again any more. Nothing overly exciting happened but nothing sad happened either. To me, that is what makes it a good day.

I believe I told everyone earlier that I joined Facebook at the end of November. Considering everything that has happened in my life, especially in the last year, it is good to find the little things that can bring a smile to your face (even if others don’t like it or think of it as ok).

Today Keith and I were able to get reconnected with an old friend from when we were both stationed at Ft. Hood, TX. His name is Michael (Mike) Brooks. There used to be a group of us that would hang out every weekend, and almost every day. We used to go to the country bar, Cody’s, almost every single Friday and Saturday night. Mike stood up for Keith at our ceremony when we got married. There were a total of 6 of us, to include the justice of the peace. It was Mike, his wife Courtney (at the time), my friend Tina Davis (she was my witness) and the JP.

That time in our lives was such a special time. We still had our whole lives in front of us. Keith and I were just starting out. That was over 15 years ago. We have not heard from Mike in about 13 or 14 years. It was just good to reconnect to those that have a special place in your past. I am also looking forward to reconnecting to the others from back then as well. Mike says he still talks to the old crew.

It’s the little things sometimes that can bring us those much needed smiles.

Today is 8 months

It amazes me how one can mess up time when one does not want time to move forward anyways. Last month I thought Mari had been gone 8 months. I even wrote about it. Then when it was getting closer to this month mark of her being gone, I started to think about it. There should only be 3 months until she has been gone for one year, but when I started to count there were 4 months. The math just did not add up. So last month she had actually only been gone for 7 months.

Why does it feel like time is flying by yet at the same time, time seems to be standing still. I mean, is that even possible. It feels that way.

I think at some point in everyone’s life we have all either talked about or wished we could invent a time machine. Mine would take me back to about a month before Mari got sick. To spend every waking moment I could with her before she got sick. I think I would even try to somehow prevent her from getting sick. I know it is not possible but I so wish it could happen anyway.

We love you baby girl and just know that everyone misses you. You were such a light in so many people’s lives. You were your mommy’s everything and she has just not been whole since you have been gone. I love you and will see you again someday when it is our time to be together again.

Life In General...

I was just sitting here thinking tonight about life in general. The last 8 months have been more than I ever thought possible. Two days before Mari had gotten sick, my mom’s brother, my Uncle Ray died in his sleep. I believe he was only 62 or 63 years old. I remember growing up and spending the night at his house on Christmas Eve with our ENTIRE BIG family. I think he may have even played Santa a few times. That was our first huge blow for the year.

Then Mari got sick. We all know how that turned out but that blow seems to never heal. With my Uncle Ray, I love him dearly and I miss him but unfortunately I had not seen him in several years. I think maybe the last night had been at my Grandpa’s wedding 10 years ago. Time seems to just go by so quickly and then you don’t even realize when it is really flying by until it is too late. I don’t think he ever even got to meet Mari. Actually, most of my family out in California never did. My aunt Janine and my cousin Todd got to meet Mari when she was 5 years old (about 3 years before she died). Other than my mom, my brother, my sister, and my grandpa, no one else from my mom’s side of the family ever got to even meet her. They have all heard stories but they never got to meet the bright shining start that she was.

When Mari got sick and then died, I thought my world had come to an end. I can honestly say that I know nothing else in this life will ever be as hard as losing Mari. But I do know that I will continue to go on. My world has not ended. I just have to find my new purpose in life. Going to school definitely helps (at least it is distracting otherwise I just might go nuts J).

Then in January, we found out my husband’s father has moderately aggressive prostate cancer. He has not been feeling well. It seems like he has even been losing weight because he really is not very hungry. This man means the world to me. I never knew what it was like to have a father in my life and for the first time he has shown me how a father should be. He has become the father I never had. I feel so lucky to have my husband’s family as they are and will forever be my family as well. I love them all so much. We are just all praying that he will be ok. If he passes all of his pretests he can then have surgery to hopefully remove the cancer.

Then last month on February 16 we lost two very important people to us. Anthony and Anita Wilcox. These two people were two of the most loving individuals anyone could have ever known. They were always there for you when you really needed them. Anthony came up to the hospital several times while Mari was in the hospital and Anita came a few times as well. One day, about two weeks after Mari had passed, Anthony had come over to where we were staying at the time to drop something off for Keith (at the time he had been Keith’ 1st Sgt). I was at home alone. He saw that I was lonely and just needed someone to talk to so he just sat there and listened. He was there well over an hour but he just listened. I felt like I had just rambled on. That was just the kind of person he was.

People say things happen in threes; well I hope they are wrong because we have had 4 in the last 7 months. I am good for awhile.

T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

I am asking for everyone's help. I have rewritten a poem that is a dedication to Mari. If everyone could please read it and give me their comments, I would appreciate it more than you know. I have also put "T'was the Night Before Christmas" below my poem so you can put them side by side. My hope is that you feel my poem matches up with this poem. Thanks in advance for everyone's help with this. Kristena

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.


Now the other poem:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"