We Miss Her So Much...

The loss of a child, how deep it must go. Are there really words to describe the utter despair one feels. It is as if our entire world has crumbled yet we are still supposed to go on living our day to day lives as if everything is the same. But it is not. Nothing will ever be the same. How are we supposed to face each day without our beloved little one that we have taken care of since the day he or she was born. Everyone tells us to just take it moment by moment or one day at a time and yet that almost seems too impossible to do.

Nothing in this world will ever bring our little Mari back. She is forever gone. Yes I know she is in heaven right now but she will forever be gone on this earth. Nothing can bring her back. No miracle. No magic potion. Just nothing. Every day starts a new day without our beloved Mari. Nothing can compare to the love I have for her and will forever have until we are united again.

I sit here with a pain that goes so deep only another parent who has lost a child can truly understand and no one else that wants to because the reality of losing a child is just too much too bear. The order is out of whack. It was not supposed to happen like this.

If someone loses a spouse they can get remarried. If someone loses a parent or grandparent, it is hard but we know deep down inside this is how the laws of nature are supposed to happen. But when it comes to a child, especially a young child or even a baby, it is just not supposed to happen like this. We are supposed to die before our children do.

The people in our lives change. They act different around you. No one really wants to talk to you because they do not know what to say. They are either afraid of hurting us further or simply saying something stupid. We are never treated the same. Us as the parents just wish life could go back to being what life was like before the loss, what seemed like at one point what was considered to be normal. Nothing is normal anymore.

Each day just continues to come as we are consumed with our grief. Some days are good and some days seem to be more than we can bare but we somehow manage to muddle through it.

Close friends or family try to give you suggestions on how to cope with your grief. They try to help you feel better by saying to remember the good times. To be thankful for what you have now. To not always think about the one you have lost. Yet this is not for everyone. For some this just does not help. I need to know that I still think about Mari. I need to know that I will never forget her. I need to remember both the good and the bad times. I need to not feel guilty because I am thankful for what is here. “I need” just seems to go on and on and on. Ultimately, we just need her back.

We got a kitty and a puppy. We got them to help with the emptiness and loneliness we feel without Mari here. Nothing can ever compare to that little angel being here but at least when I am at home all alone I have something here to keep me company. Our kitty will just come and jump up on the chair I am sitting so he can sit on my lap. He just wants a little cuddle time. Our puppy will hop up and down trying to get your attention because he wants “attention now please” and is impatient to get it. He seems to be a very needy dog but that is good for me. I need that in my life right now to feel utterly love and adored because the one that used to do that is forever gone.

She will forever be in my heart and my soul. Apart of my heart is forever gone. A piece of it is missing and there is no way to ever mend my broken heart. No matter how hard we try, a part of my heart is now forever gone up to heaven with Mari. One day I will be reunited with Mari and then my heart will be able to be whole again. No one knows that day but someday it will happen. I pray every day for that day. I go to bed everyone night hoping to wake up from the nightmare I have been living since the day she got sick and then the day she left us for heaven. I know that one day we will be reunited and our family will one day be complete again. From my heart to yours, Mari, mommy loves you and misses you.

Mommy