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Have you ever wondered if something really existed or was it just in your mind? Something that seemed to be so real but then one day you wake up and it’s like it never was. That’s how I kind of feel sometimes.
My new computer has Windows 7 and one of the new features with this operating system is how you can set up your computer’s desktop. I decided to have mine kind of like a slideshow. A new picture gets displayed every 10 minutes. All of the ones I have chosen are of Mari.
Well, one of the ones that came up today, I was looking at it. It is hard to believe how she is just not here anymore. It almost feels like she was only a figment of my imagination. Or it’s like is she really gone. It just does not seem real sometimes.
But in the end she really is. The emptiness is still there. There will always be this empty spot in my heart where she used to fill it. It will remain empty because she can never come back. It’s like there is this missing void.
I know as time continues on the emptiness will become smaller and smaller to the point of barely noticing it. The point is it will always remain and in those rare instances rear its head to show me that that spot she once held is no longer filled.
In the end everything will be as it is intended. No, I have no clue what that is yet, but that is what time is for.
I love you baby girl and mommy misses you so much.
Love Mommy
Today I sit here thinking about how life can turn out so differently than you could have expected.
Keith and I went to church this morning like we have started to do on a more regular basis since the Sunday before Thanksgiving. We decided to just try Sunday School since I have not been able to handle going to church service at that point. That very first Sunday going to our brand new class I broke down and told everyone about Mari. It is the Sunday before Thanksgiving so you can imagine what the topic is about: What is everyone most thankful for. Well, needless to say, this is not an easy topic for me anymore.
Since that Sunday, Keith and I try to make it to the Sunday School class every week. There have been Sunday’s we have missed but for us we have been pretty consistent with going.
For the last few weeks I have wanted to try going to church service again but Keith was not quite ready to go yet. He just needed a little bit more time. I completely understand that so we continued to just go to Sunday School.
Today was different. We had a friend from our class approach us and ask for us to stay for service. I think she must think about us and thought it would be good for us to attend. She talked to Keith about it and so we decided to stay. Even before she had approached me I was going to talk to Keith about staying because the outline in the bulletin for today’s service looked like it would be a good one to listen to.
We went and chose our seats and waited for the service to start. When the service starts, as in every church I have been too, there is singing for either hymn or praise songs. This service was no different. They sing the song I have always loved to sing in the past and singing just means so much to me every since I can remember being in my high school youth group. It used to bring me such joy and happiness. It meant so much and I would sing it truly from my heart that sometimes it could bring tears to my eyes.
But now the singing seems to just bring me sadness and sobbing. I can no longer sing any more like I used to as I almost always cry now. So I have made a choice to just be quite and listen instead. But today I could not even do that. I had to leave the sanctuary and I went to the restroom. Keith had a nice woman find me in the bathroom as he was worried about me. She told me about this room where I could wait in instead. So I sat in there until the singing was done and went back into the sanctuary until the service was over.
Well, we are now a part of an impact group that meets every other Sunday night. It is a great time of worship and togetherness. Keith and I really enjoy going to the group. Today was a little different though. There was a guy who talked and then he handed out a sheet of paper for the song everyone was to sing. I was only able to sit in that room for about a minute or so and then I had to head to the bathroom. I just started to cry. I finally got it under control and decided to sit in there until the group was done singing.
I guess you can say I am not quite ready to start singing again. Like everything else that has happened thus far, this too will take time. Time. That age old thing that we can never escape from because no matter what we do, time will continue to click on whether we want it to or not. But it’s that time that helps us to eventually get to where we need to be and are headed from here until eternity.
I sit here wondering what life has in store for me in the days, months, and years to come. Just two years ago at this same time, I knew Keith, my husband, and I had a life of taking care of a severely autistic child that within the next few years would more than likely have to be put into some kind of home for her own safety. She was getting harder and harder to take care of and she kept escaping out of our house. We knew we did not want to do this but we knew that the way things were going we would have no choice. However, that decision suddenly became a non-issue when she suddenly became sick a year and a half ago and she passed away. So what once was a life constantly challenged by someone with autism whom we all loved more than I think any one of us could have imagined is now a life with freedom to do anything I choose. What I do know is that if Mari had never gotten sick and then ultimately pass away from something that I think still baffles everyone of us, is I would have never started writing. The journal entries I made into her CarePage online was that first step towards something I had no idea I would truly enjoy and love doing a year and half later. I know there will always be critics and I know that I will never please everyone who reads either what I write or post. But that is ok. This is not for anyone else other than myself. However, if my writing can touch someone else’s life in either a positive way or somehow helps them, I can say that is just an added blessing. I’ve started thinking about how my writing can do more for others. When Mari passed away, I went to the bookstore to try to find a book about how to get through my grief. First of all, I never found a book on someone dealing with the loss of someone who died suddenly. On top of that, it seems like all the ones I found where about guidelines on loss and how to deal with it but there were not books from others who just told there story and how they got through it. I may not have grieved in the same way as the person who was writing but I would more than likely have been able to relate. So what I would like to do is write a book that can be about this. Whether anyone ever reads it or not I know that it will be very therapeutic for me. It will just be an added bonus if it can help someone else out there.
What happens after 16 years of marriage? Is it still wedded bliss or is it a nightmare you cannot wait to get out of. Well if you are lucky, it will be as close to wedded bliss as the two of you can be. What I mean by wedded bliss is not that when you first start going out and everything feels so fresh and new and you just feel so owey goowey with each other or even that first year of marriage where you can tell the couple is newlyweds. I am talking about how after 16 years of marriage that you still talk about your spouse in a good way, especially when he or she is not around to hear it. How after you have gotten into a huge argument and you are able to talk through it so you are ok again. How when you talk to someone new about your spouse that sometimes he or she will ask you if you are newlyweds because it seems like most people today that if they have been married over 5 years you rarely hear someone talk about his or her spouse in a good way or that he or she seem to just tolerate his or her spouse.
This is how Keith and I are with each other. We can honestly say without hesitation that we love each other. No we are not in the infatuation where you can barely see any faults with the other person love nor do we still have on our rose colored glasses that seem to be put on for that first few years of marriage to where it seems like the other person is just so perfect. No, we are at a point that our love is what most people call being truly IN love with one another. Not sort of love, not in lust, but truly IN love with each other.
To know that in 34 years from now Keith and I will still be together for our 50 anniversary is something that just makes me smile from the inside out. I thank the Lord everyday that Keith was put into my live over 16 years ago and that we made a decision to be together for all eternity. He truly is the love of my life.
There are many things that make a marriage work. One is trust. One is communication. If you have one but not the other, it will be almost impossible to make your marriage work. Some people do but it is not an easy road and you probably feel miserable inside. When you have both of those, marriage has something else that is just as important as well. What is so important you might ask. Well it is compromise. Marriage is all about compromise and accepting your other half just the way he or she is. Sometimes compromise is not meeting in the middle either. There are going to be many times where you may have to come more than half way but in the end it works because you have made your other half happy. And sometimes you will get frustrated because you feel you have to come more than half way way too often. I guess when you love each other, in the end, it is all worth it because you know you are with the one person whom you love more than anything else in the world and just want to make him or her happy.
This is how Keith and I are all the time. And it seems like Keith is always the one who comes more than halfway. I can be such a stubborn pigheaded mule sometimes. I can become so rigid about it. Quite frankly I think I would drive most men nuts. But Keith just accepts me just the way I am. He loves me no matter what. We get into huge arguments but in the end we always make up and know how much we love one another. I guess one of the best ways I can describe Keith as is that he is one of the few people I know to come as close to having the patience of Job. As for me, I feel like I am the complete opposite. I feel like I am about as patient as a kid on Christmas Eve having to wait those few hours until Christmas morning before I get to open my presents. I lose my patience so easily. Yet Keith just takes it. I am sure it’s not that he wants to but he is just so patient with my impatience. Sometimes we get into a fight over it but he is almost always the one that shows his patience and is able to calm the situation down.
You know when people say opposites attract, I think we broke the mold. There are so many things we are completely opposite on yet I think that’s how we ultimately complement each other and why we work. I can say without hesitation that he is truly the love of my life and I feel lucky he has chosen to be with me and put up with all my shenanigans.
It has been interesting how this past week has gone for me. I started to get really sick towards the end of the Super Bowl on Sunday. The rest of the week I guess can be best explained as feeling just BLAH. I feel like I am finally on the mend.
During this time I have implanted myself up on my couch all week. Then I decided to move all of Mari’s website to a new provider. My hope is that I will be able to get better exposure to get Mari’s memory out there better. I want her to live on in all of our minds.
As I was transferring all of the stuff I have written over the past year and a half, it was interesting to re-read some of what I have written in the past. For the most part, it seems like I have written mostly sad related stuff. But there are those few entries where I was positive and upbeat or I wrote a poem in dedication to her. I guess I am just grateful to have this outlet and that I can share it with all of you.
It seems hard to believe that we are already halfway through the month of February. A new year has start yet once again. As a matter of fact, in just 6 short days, Keith and I will be celebrating our 16 year anniversary. I look back at the 16 years we have been together and it amazes me how we have made it where as many marriages out there today would have been divorced 10 times over.
We both met while we were active duty in the Army. Right there that should tell you we were already headed down a hard road as the military is a stressor in and of itself and then you add marriage. Then add in the fact that I had a severe abuse happen to me as a child and the end result is utter confusion on my part only a little over 2 years into our marriage. During that time we separated and almost got a divorce. Fortunately, we were able to make it through that incredibly hard time and we became stronger as a couple because of it.
We then moved to Illinois where we found out that we might never have children the ol’ natural way. We were blessed almost 6 years into our marriage to finally have a baby girl by the name of Mariana.
By the time Mari was just barely 2 years old we all started to realized that something was not quite right with Mari’s development. And by the age of 3 we found out that she had severe autism. By this time Keith had also decided to go back active duty and be a part of the AGR (active guard/reserve) and become a recruiter.
He worked ridiculous hours. Sometimes having to leave at 4 in the morning and getting home many night at 10, 11, or 12 o’clock at night. We hardly saw him during the first few years other than on the weekends and when a holiday would come around and he would get a 4 day weekend.
With all of this that had been through at us we were still strong and had such a good marriage.
Then all of a sudden our lives forever change when our one and only child, the one we like to call our miracle baby, suddenly became ill from E. coli and passed away after 2 weeks and 2 days. I guess you could say that losing a child is probably the hardest, if not the hardest, thing any marriage will have to go through (and to top everything off both of you grieve completely opposite than the other).
Through it all, Keith and I are still together and are completely there for each other. I know I could never imagine being with any other many than this man that I love with all of my heart. And I can say without a shade of doubt that he feels the same way in return. I feel so fortunate that we have each other and that no matter what else is thrown at us we will be ok. He is truly the love of my live and my soul mate.
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