Loneliness, how it must feel

The loneliness I feel is like nothing else I have ever experience in my life. It does not matter what I do or who I talk to it is always there. There are times when I can keep myself busy enough not to have to think about the true loneliness I feel but it always comes back.

I sit here in my house all alone. I have my puppy sitting on my lap because he does not like to be alone. I have my kitten at my feet because he does not like to be alone. I am glad I have them because they at least keep me company. But they are not exactly the best conversationalists.

I have friends I could call or even family members but I just don’t like to talk on the phone anymore like I used to. What am I supposed to talk about? Am I supposed to pretend that life is all honky dory and to just go on living my life as before? That is just impossible to do. Quite frankly no one really treats me the same. No one really knows what to say. It seems like the first question out of anyone’s mouth is always, “How are you?” or “How have you been?” I feel like telling them, “How do you THINK I am?” but I don’t. My standard answer is almost always, “Just dandy.” I know that the only reason why they ask is that they truly care and are just concerned about me. I love everyone for their concern as well. It is just so painful to be here without Mari.

A few days ago I got up and walked down our hallway to walk to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As I am walking down the hallway I started to ask Keith, “Have you put Mari” and then I stop in mid-sentence and finished it in my head “to bed yet?” I could not believe what I was asking. I don’t even think Keith heard me. He and I have asked each other that for years almost every night. I know that she is gone but it seems like such a habit still. Like how am I not supposed to ask that because she is still supposed to be here? Then the innate loneliness kicks in again because she is gone.

To know she is gone brings such sadness to my heart. No one can truly describe this whole in the bottom of my stomach. No one can understand the whole that has now appeared in my heart. It is just there. It will never go away. There are no words to help. There are no actions that can be done. It is the way it is and will never be the same again. We can never go back no matter how much we hope or we pray. She is just gone. If you can just imagine how utterly hopeless and lonely one can feel know this.

To have her back is just a dream. To not have her here is just a living nightmare every single day.

I sit here looking at our puppy and kitty play together. They are just so oblivious to anything that goes on around them. They seem to never be lonely. But what is amazing is that the puppy plays for a little while by himself and then comes to my feet and starts to wine because it wants to be picked up and cuddle. I think he must feel lonely and just needs that cuddle time. The kitty will jump up and put himself right up on my chest below my head and just nuzzles in. He does not like to be by himself either once he is done playing. To watch them is to know somewhat the truly loneliness I feel. But it is so different because it just goes so much deeper for me.

I try to keep myself busy with lots of different things. I will sit here and watch a movie. I will do either my statistics or American music homework and study. I will talk briefly on the phone. I will go shopping. I will write my thoughts down. I will workout. But they are all short lived and then I am where I started off, just being by myself and feeling lonely all over again.

Ultimately feeling lonely almost always brings me back to thinking about Mari. I miss her so. Mari has been and will continue to always be that light in my life. I live for each and every day I am still here on this earth. One day we will be reunited and I will finally no longer be lonely.

I love you MarMar with all my heart.

Mommy

Keith's Retirement

I posted the other day what I would like to call a film script. Typically when you think of a film script you think of a movie on the big screen or a made for TV movie. That is not what this is. What I mean by a film script is something that give you purpose, something that motivates you to do something important in your own live, I call it my "why". I made this film script of Keith's retirement from the Army. As you will read, this was written a couple of years ago. This was the dream that I had for our family one day that will never come true but I thought I would share this special dream with you. I hope you enjoy it.

It is August 22, 2014. Mariana is now 14 years old. The black stretch limousine pulls up to the house to pick up Keith, myself, Mariana, and Keith’s mom and dad. We are smiling and laughing from ear to ear. The night is special; one that will be remembered for years to come.

Keith is wearing an Armani black tux with a bow tie. I am wearing a bright Christmassy red dress. The entire dress has an overlay fabric that is an iridescent red color that almost looks like sparkles or glitter is sewn throughout the fabric and when the light hits it just right it sparkles so beautifully. The bodice of the dress is form fitting with thin straps. It has hand tacked on tiny beads all over the bodice. Then starting about the waistline the skirt of the dress starts to flow out. It is a full skirt. It reminds you of when you are a little girl twirling in a dress. I am wearing red satin strappy shoes and gloves that go up the entire length of my arms that match the color of my dress.

Mariana is in a brilliant purple floor length dress that looks just like mine. She has on purple satin strappy shoes and gloves just like mine in the color of her dress. We both have on shawls that match the color of our dresses. Keith’s dad is in the same tux as Keith. Keith’s mom has on a shimmering gold dress. It is a top and a skirt. The top buttons up the back. It has off the shoulder, made of chiffon, scrunched up type straps. The skirt is not form fitting but is not really full either. It has a slight train on the bottom. The skirt and top have hand tacked on beads and sequence. She has on a beautifully designed jacket to match.

The limousine driver comes up to the door and escorts us out to the limo. We all get into this beautiful limo. We start reminiscing about how Keith has gotten to where he is today. We are on our way to the Palmer House Hilton in downtown Chicago. We open our bottle of Cristal Champagne. We all toast Keith and how well he has done. The drive takes about an hour.

We finally get to the hotel and the limo driver gets out and opens the door. We are then escorted into the ballroom where there are over 200 people waiting on us. All of our family, friends, people from my business, and those that Keith has worked with over the years are all there to celebrate with us.

The orchestra starts to play a song for the celebration we are having. The big banner in the back of the room says, “Congratulations Keith on Your Retirement!” Keith is only 43 years old. There is dancing, dinner and many toasts that happen this night. The night never seemed to end. We all went home with such a memory that will last for years to come.