Today has been a day

Today has been a good day. I can honestly say I do not have too many of those. It seems like they only come now and again any more. Nothing overly exciting happened but nothing sad happened either. To me, that is what makes it a good day.

I believe I told everyone earlier that I joined Facebook at the end of November. Considering everything that has happened in my life, especially in the last year, it is good to find the little things that can bring a smile to your face (even if others don’t like it or think of it as ok).

Today Keith and I were able to get reconnected with an old friend from when we were both stationed at Ft. Hood, TX. His name is Michael (Mike) Brooks. There used to be a group of us that would hang out every weekend, and almost every day. We used to go to the country bar, Cody’s, almost every single Friday and Saturday night. Mike stood up for Keith at our ceremony when we got married. There were a total of 6 of us, to include the justice of the peace. It was Mike, his wife Courtney (at the time), my friend Tina Davis (she was my witness) and the JP.

That time in our lives was such a special time. We still had our whole lives in front of us. Keith and I were just starting out. That was over 15 years ago. We have not heard from Mike in about 13 or 14 years. It was just good to reconnect to those that have a special place in your past. I am also looking forward to reconnecting to the others from back then as well. Mike says he still talks to the old crew.

It’s the little things sometimes that can bring us those much needed smiles.

Today is 8 months

It amazes me how one can mess up time when one does not want time to move forward anyways. Last month I thought Mari had been gone 8 months. I even wrote about it. Then when it was getting closer to this month mark of her being gone, I started to think about it. There should only be 3 months until she has been gone for one year, but when I started to count there were 4 months. The math just did not add up. So last month she had actually only been gone for 7 months.

Why does it feel like time is flying by yet at the same time, time seems to be standing still. I mean, is that even possible. It feels that way.

I think at some point in everyone’s life we have all either talked about or wished we could invent a time machine. Mine would take me back to about a month before Mari got sick. To spend every waking moment I could with her before she got sick. I think I would even try to somehow prevent her from getting sick. I know it is not possible but I so wish it could happen anyway.

We love you baby girl and just know that everyone misses you. You were such a light in so many people’s lives. You were your mommy’s everything and she has just not been whole since you have been gone. I love you and will see you again someday when it is our time to be together again.

Life In General...

I was just sitting here thinking tonight about life in general. The last 8 months have been more than I ever thought possible. Two days before Mari had gotten sick, my mom’s brother, my Uncle Ray died in his sleep. I believe he was only 62 or 63 years old. I remember growing up and spending the night at his house on Christmas Eve with our ENTIRE BIG family. I think he may have even played Santa a few times. That was our first huge blow for the year.

Then Mari got sick. We all know how that turned out but that blow seems to never heal. With my Uncle Ray, I love him dearly and I miss him but unfortunately I had not seen him in several years. I think maybe the last night had been at my Grandpa’s wedding 10 years ago. Time seems to just go by so quickly and then you don’t even realize when it is really flying by until it is too late. I don’t think he ever even got to meet Mari. Actually, most of my family out in California never did. My aunt Janine and my cousin Todd got to meet Mari when she was 5 years old (about 3 years before she died). Other than my mom, my brother, my sister, and my grandpa, no one else from my mom’s side of the family ever got to even meet her. They have all heard stories but they never got to meet the bright shining start that she was.

When Mari got sick and then died, I thought my world had come to an end. I can honestly say that I know nothing else in this life will ever be as hard as losing Mari. But I do know that I will continue to go on. My world has not ended. I just have to find my new purpose in life. Going to school definitely helps (at least it is distracting otherwise I just might go nuts J).

Then in January, we found out my husband’s father has moderately aggressive prostate cancer. He has not been feeling well. It seems like he has even been losing weight because he really is not very hungry. This man means the world to me. I never knew what it was like to have a father in my life and for the first time he has shown me how a father should be. He has become the father I never had. I feel so lucky to have my husband’s family as they are and will forever be my family as well. I love them all so much. We are just all praying that he will be ok. If he passes all of his pretests he can then have surgery to hopefully remove the cancer.

Then last month on February 16 we lost two very important people to us. Anthony and Anita Wilcox. These two people were two of the most loving individuals anyone could have ever known. They were always there for you when you really needed them. Anthony came up to the hospital several times while Mari was in the hospital and Anita came a few times as well. One day, about two weeks after Mari had passed, Anthony had come over to where we were staying at the time to drop something off for Keith (at the time he had been Keith’ 1st Sgt). I was at home alone. He saw that I was lonely and just needed someone to talk to so he just sat there and listened. He was there well over an hour but he just listened. I felt like I had just rambled on. That was just the kind of person he was.

People say things happen in threes; well I hope they are wrong because we have had 4 in the last 7 months. I am good for awhile.

T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

I am asking for everyone's help. I have rewritten a poem that is a dedication to Mari. If everyone could please read it and give me their comments, I would appreciate it more than you know. I have also put "T'was the Night Before Christmas" below my poem so you can put them side by side. My hope is that you feel my poem matches up with this poem. Thanks in advance for everyone's help with this. Kristena

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.


Now the other poem:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"