skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Today is a day without our baby girl. It seems like just yesterday that she went to be in heaven. It seem like I just said good bye. I remember that last day with longing before she went to the doctor. I felt so inconvenienced when the school called to tell me that she had a diarrhea. I felt they were making a big deal out of nothing. Who would have ever thought that what seemed like a day of inconvenience at the time would be a day I would take back in a heartbeat. Who would ever have thought that the final time I would ever put her into her own bed would have been that night. The last time she would ever say “Bear”, “Bear” and become indignant when I did not get it fast enough for her. I would take it all back to have those moments every night again.
I remember when I felt just overwhelmed with the fact of her escaping out of the house. To have that back again seems so minuet comparatively to having her just gone forever. I know that the love will go on forever but to just have what seemed like at one time to be so overwhelming that I could not handle it would be wonderful to have that back again. To be able to look at it as being thankful I have those things to worry about because then she would be here.
I know that MarMar has permanently turned her mommy into a better person. I am a person who had little to no patience before having her and she helped me to have better patience than I ever thought possible. She helped me to learn for the first time in my life what true unconditional love is really supposed to be or mean. Mari loved me no matter what I said or what I did. Whether she was in trouble for creating “Lake Mari” again in the sink in the bathroom or just spending time with her in her room while she watched one of her favorite episodes of the Backyardigans, she loved me no matter what. Even when she got in trouble she just loved me. I mean she knew when she was in trouble but she loved me no matter what.
You could say, “MarMar, hug please” and she would run up to you and give you a big hug. Then you could ask for a kiss and she would give you a big kiss with a great big smile on her face. She would be sitting in her high chair after she was done eating and then all of a sudden you could hear this little girl just burst out laughing. The thing was, to us she was laughing at absolutely nothing but her world must have been one special place because she seemed to always be happy there.
She saw thing so differently than the rest of us. There were no consequences for anything she did. She saw things so uniquely and so utterly innocent. She could sing and dance her little heart out and never get tired of her own voice. It was just precious. She had just the softest, little voice you could imagine.
She loved her bath time. She could play in the bathtub for what seemed like forever but to her she was having the time of her life. I think if she could if had her way she would have lived in the water. It was like it was her second home. And it did not matter where the water was because she loved it. It could be the puddle outside, to the water in the toilet. To her it was just water and it was a place she could have fun and just play in her world.
The room must have had some appeal to her because she used to just sing and dance and flap those arms of her in so much excitement. The world she lived in had no danger, it had no fear. She was indestructible in whatever she did. In her world she could live forever.
In her world she could eat and make the biggest messes because it was so much fun. The bigger the mess the more fun it must have been. I don’t think there was a single food she could not make a mess of and make it become art on her face and her clothes. It was just Mari.
Mari had such an innocence about her like no one else I knew. There was no danger. There were no consequences. It was just plain and simple in her world to where whatever she did or who she did it with it all boiled down to having fun and laughing her little heart out.
To miss her is to have known her and none of us will be the same without Mari’s world on this earth because that means we don’t have her.
We love you MarMar and miss you more than live itself.
Love Mommy and all those that love and miss you Baby Girl.
The Memories, they run so deep. They are so dear. What would we do in this life if we didn’t have the memories of those that we loved and then lost. I think we would be lost. There would be this black hole that would just suck us in. But then again, if we didn’t have memories, there would nothing to be missed. We would never understand or know what we were missing. The memories we have are so bitter sweet. We know that without the memories it might be easier. We know without the memories we could just continue to live each and every day without out the pain, the hurt, the utter despair of missing the one we love so much, so entirely. The memories give us what we need to be able to live each day. The memories help us to never forget the one we love. The memories help us to know that she will live on.
Memories help us to remember when mommy was sitting in the family room watching TV and mommy could hear the pitter patter of footsteps dancing on the roof because she had snuck out of the house through mommy and daddy’s bedroom window again. Memories help us to remember how she opened the family room window, then the screen, to get out of the house so that she could go dancing in the street and having the time of her life. Memories help us to remember her watching “Jonah, A Veggie Tales Movie” or “Cars” or “Happy Feet” or Dora the Explorer or The Backyardigans or so many others on the TV and just flapping her arms like crazy because she was so incredibly excited to be seeing one of her all time favorite shows again. Memories help us to remember how she would say “Bear” when mommy or daddy or both were putting her to bed because she had to have her special bear to sleep with to go to bed. Memories help us to remember all her art work on mommy and daddy’s white walls all over the house because she had gotten in to the magic marks yet one more time because all she liked to do is draw. Memories help us to remember “Lake Mari” when she decided that she needed to play in the bathroom sink and then the sink would overflow because there was a problem with the piping for the sink. Memories helps us to remember how instead of the typical 10 to 15 minutes it might take a family to get family pictures done that instead it would take an hour so we could get a beautiful family picture taken and those precious moments reserved on paper for a lifetime.
Memories help us to remember her smile. Her laugh. Her singing. Her just EVERYTHING. What would we do without the memories. I just sit here missing her so and looking at her picture on our fireplace mantel but so happy to be living the rest of my life with her in my heart and in my memories.
Memories, they so last a lifetime.
I once had a dream I had written down about Mari, my beloved little angel. I wrote this as a movie clip of what I envision Mari's Wedding Day could one day be like. No, she was not like a typical child and this dream probably would never have come true but I knew that one day the home business I had would be able to help me at least give Mari all the best care and education I could. We all know that Mari's time was cut extremely short but here is the dream I had for my little angel...We are in the year 2022. It is Saturday, June 18th at 4pm. It is Mariana’s wedding day. The sky is clear blue with a couple of beautiful white puffy clouds and it is 75 degrees outside. There are some blue birds flying over head as we drive up in a 1969 convertible white walled tired car.
She is carrying her white rose bouquet with a couple of white lilies, carnations and tulips. Around the stems are beautiful silk ribbons weaved together with the excess flowing freely. She is wearing a snow white gown. It reminds you of Cinderella. It has embroidered flowers and lace all over the gowns skirt. It is a sleeveless gown in a heart shaped bust line. It has laces instead of buttons up of the back of the dress. She is wearing white gloves that go up the entire length of her arms. She chose ballerina type slippers for her feet instead of shoes. The train on her dress is 8 feet long. There are two little girls who are there just to help her with her train. Her veil starts with a small princess type crown on her head. The ends of her veil have small pearls attached. The front of the veil goes to about her waist and the back goes the full length of the gown in the back.
I am sitting in the car with her. I have on a light pink and white floor length gown on. It has a solid pink ½ length type jacket on that goes just below the bust line. The dress has white baby rose buds on it. The slit goes up my left leg up to my knee. I am wearing a pink and white rose corsage with baby’s breath and one green leaf attached to my jacket.
One of the groomsmen opens the door for the two of us when we arrive at the church. The photographer is there taking pictures of us. We go into the Bridal room and wait for the wedding to start. Keith, Mari’s daddy, walks in and starts to tear up (which he never does). He tells her what a precious moment this is and will always be treasured. He takes her head in his hands and kisses her forehead. He leaves the room and I have my alone time with her. I sit there with her reminiscing of the days when she was young and how they seem just like yesterday yet so long ago.
The pastor opens the door and says its time. So, I grab her head in my hands and kiss her on the forehead. I tell her how very proud I am to have been her mom and so proud of the woman she has turned into. The man she is going to marry is one lucky guy to have her.
I leave the room and close the door behind me so she can have her last couple of moments to herself. I go to the door to the sanctuary where my husband gives me a hug and kisses me on the mouth and tells me how much he loves me and how good of a job we did in raising one very special little girl.
All the guests are seated now. The groom’s mom, who is in pink and light gray sparkly dress, was taken down the aisle to her seat. An usher comes to me now and asks if I am ready as this signifies the starting of the wedding. I say, “I am as ready as I ever will be.” I take his arm and I am escorted to the first pew on the left hands side.
At the end of each pew are white and pink real flower arrangements with either a pink or white satin bow below the flowers that alternate. I am now seated and it is now time the groom’s mom and myself to light the two smaller candles for the trinity candle. We go to the front of the church arm in arm. We each light our candle with one representing the bride and one the groom. Mari and her groom will later take the two candles and light the middle Trinity candle signifying that they have become one by becoming husband and wife. We hug each other and sit back down.
The candle lighters, there are 4 of them, now come forward and light the 200 candles that are at the front of the church. There is a harp, 2 chellos, 2 violas, and 6 violins that play the wedding music.
The groom now comes out of his room and stands beside the pastor. The music for the bridal party now starts. There are 8 bridesmaids and 8 groomsmen. They all walk down together. The bridesmaids are in floor length solid pink dresses. The bodice is heart shaped that ties up the back just like the bride’s gown. They have thin straps instead of being strapless. It is a skirt and top. The skirt is a flowing skirt. It has a very small train, maybe a ½ foot in length. They have pink and white bouquets that look just like the bride’s only smaller with pink and white ribbons around the stems. The men are in solid black tuxes with one white strip going down the side of each leg on the outside. They have a pink rose boutonniere attached to their left lapel. They are wearing a pink vest with pink ties. The groom is in a solid white tux with tails with one black strip going down the side of each leg on the outside. He is wearing a white rose boutonniere attached to his left lapel and is wearing a white vest with a white bow tie.
Two of the candle lighters now go back to the front of the church and grab the white isle runner and roll it out. This now signifies bride is coming. The flower girl now comes down the isle with the ring bearer. She is in a floor length white princess type gown. She has a little tiara on her head and her hair is full on blond golden ringlets. The ring bearer is in a miniature tux that looks just like the grooms.
The stringed instruments begin to play the bride’s song. The doors reopen and now she is standing there with her daddy. She now has the veil over her face. She is beaming from ear to ear while having tears in her eyes. They now start walking down the aisle. She looks so beautiful. She has the grace and presence of anyone you could imagine. She makes it to the front and the pastor asks, “Who gives this bride to this man?” Keith answers, “Her mother and I do.” He lifts the veil up high enough just to give her a kiss and places it back down. He squeezes her hand and comes to sit down by me.
I know the ceremony lasts for about 30 to 40 minutes but it seems to just go by so quickly. I watch her say her vows and exchange her rings. Songs were sung and tears flowed freely. Her daddy and I even sang a beautiful love song to her in dedication of her new life with her new husband to show her how much her daddy and I loved her and were so happy for her.
Finally the end was near and the pastor said, “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss your bride.” The groom lifts Mari’s veil over head and kisses her ever so sweetly, so gently, so precious and you can just imagine what it looked like. Our daughter is now married. She has now officially started her new life. We love her so much and will miss her being at home but we wish her all the best.I hope you have enjoyed the dream I once had. Even though this may never come true, I am glad I have the memory of it in my head.
I will always remember Mari’s method of transportation… running.
I will always remember Mari’s laughter, trust, and innocence.
I will always remember Mari’s favorite foods.
In the context of the 23d Psalm, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,” I picture death saying:
Who is that running through my valley? She is supposed to walk!
And why is she laughing? She is supposed to be in fear!!
What magic marker? Where did she get a magic marker? What do you mean it won’t wash off? I have to repaint everything? Somebody catch that kid!!!
“Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”
Mari asks God, “Do you have pancakes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? And can you cut the crusts off?
“My cup runneth over,”
Mari asks, “More juice?”
Matt 19:14, Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." NIV
The kingdom of heaven belongs to the trusting and the innocent. Jesus called Mari to Him.
This was not “Good-bye”. This is merely, “Until we meet again.” Grandpa Tunstall
M is for the Most loved little girl you could meet. M is for Mischievous as she climbs out the window to go dancing in the street or to climb on the roof to dance her little heart out. M is for Meaningful in showing us what life is really supposed to be all about. M is for Magical for that sparkle she seemed to always have in her eyes. M is for Ming Ming, a character from one her favorite shows the Wonder Pets. M is for Map from Dora the Explorer as you can hear her singing, “I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’M THE MAP!!” M is for “Milk Please” because you can hear Mari’s sweet little voice wanting something to drink.
A is for Angelic because she is just like the angel we have always dreamed of. A is for Absolutely beautiful. A is for Arrow like cupid’s Arrow because once her Arrow pierced through your heart she was a permanent part of it. A is for Adorable because in just one look she could almost get anything she asked for.
R is for Royalty as she was the queen of her world. R is for Running as she could run faster than a speeding bullet. R is for Remarkable as she is nothing short of it. R is for Rain as she used to love it when it would Rain outside and then play in the puddles to get all wet. R is for Rebellious as I don't think she ever knew how to listen to the word "NO!"
I is for Individuality because there is no one else like her in the world. I is for Incredible as she was the most Incredible person to show you unconditional love no matter what. I is for Issa the Iguana a character from one of her favorite shows on the Dora the Explorer. I is for Infectious personality because she was able to just draw you in with everything she had.
A is for Aerial like when she tried to fly with her wings as she flapped her arms in excitement. A is for Autism and what defined one of the most curious people I have ever met. A is for Mari’s Artwork as she used to love to show us her drawings all over our plain white walls.
N is for Neat in the fact that Mari was anything but. N is for Never quit because she Never let anything or anyone get in the way of what she wanted in her life. N is for the Never ending love we have for her. N is for Noisy because that little girl could sing and dance at the top of her lungs and just wear you out by looking at her with all of her energy. N is for the Numerous toys she had because here Mommy and Daddy spoiled her rotten.
A is for Ample because we thought we would have Ample of time to spend with her for many years to come but we were robbed of that privilege well before her time was up. A is for Anytime of day or night because that is all I do; I think about her at Anytime.
Overall, Mari is one of the most unforgettable human beings a person could ever meet. She was a force to be reckoned with. She will never be forgot by anyone who knew her. Her memory will live on for many years to come. The impact she had on so many lives is beyond any words that could or can be said. Thank you Mari for the life you lived and taught so many to live their own lives to the fullest. You are so missed.
Why do people always seem to say that “time heals all wounds”. I think those people have never been through a real tragedy in their own lives. No matter how you look at it, time has always been here. Whether it is in our past, our present, or our future, time is always involved. Time has always been there through everything we have done or been through in our lives. Time is there in every moment we live each day. And time will continue it’s never ending cycle for the rest of our lives.
Let me be one of the first to say that time DOES NOT heal all wounds. Time does ANYTHING BUT heal all wounds. Time is meant to be a vehicle you take a ride on. In this vehicle it is takes you as fast or as slow as you need to go. For some it may be supersonic. For most of us it is like we are going the speed of turtle (remember the turtle is always the one that wins the race).
Time happens to be one of our most valuable resources; an incredible important asset in our lives. Time can give you something to look forward to and in the same breathe make you dread what is coming. Time is different for each individual and no two people’s time runs along the same timeline. Time for one individual is as different for another as each individual’s fingerprints define them.
So I would love to meet the individual who came up with the saying that “time heals all wounds.” I would love to tell them what time really does. Time is just that. It gives each and everyone one of us the time WE need to be able to deal with the grief in our lives. Think about it, do you honestly think that in TIME we will be completely healed from the loss in our life. Absolutely not. No possible way. How could this possible happen. Time becomes your friend because time helps you to be able to get to a place where you can live with the hurt and the pain on a day in and day out basis. In time the hurt will have subsided to a point where sometimes it will only feel like a dull ache and other times it will go back to hurting like hell.
We are all so glad we have time because if we didn’t could you imagine what it would be like to have to heal right on the spot from losing something or someone so special and dear to your heart. I know in time the loss of our precious little Angel will not be quite so acute but it will always be here. There will not be a day that goes by where I do not think about her. Time is and will continue to be my best friend because it is giving me the time I need to deal with the loss of our precious daughter Mariana.
I have a new saying for what time can do for me: Time is a vehicle that will one day bring me back to my little Angel. JUST TIME!!
Will tomorrow ever come? It feels as though it is far off in the distance. If tomorrow were to come there might be peace that could come to my heart. But tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow is only in my dreams. Tomorrow has sunshine. Tomorrow has the sun shining brightly and the Angel looking down on me. Tomorrow seems like a mystical creature of another world.
The reality is if tomorrow were here I would not feel this ache in the bottom of my stomach. If tomorrow were here I would not feel this pain from the depths of my heart that no one can reach other than my little Angel.
She is the one that brings me peace. She is the one that brings me joy. She is the one that brings happiness to me and those around me. She is the one that can make it sunny when it is rainy outside. She is my everything and I miss her greatly. Please come back to me soon my little Angel because your mommy is missing you.
Love your mommy forever.
The loss of a child, how deep it must go. Are there really words to describe the utter despair one feels. It is as if our entire world has crumbled yet we are still supposed to go on living our day to day lives as if everything is the same. But it is not. Nothing will ever be the same. How are we supposed to face each day without our beloved little one that we have taken care of since the day he or she was born. Everyone tells us to just take it moment by moment or one day at a time and yet that almost seems too impossible to do.
Nothing in this world will ever bring our little Mari back. She is forever gone. Yes I know she is in heaven right now but she will forever be gone on this earth. Nothing can bring her back. No miracle. No magic potion. Just nothing. Every day starts a new day without our beloved Mari. Nothing can compare to the love I have for her and will forever have until we are united again.
I sit here with a pain that goes so deep only another parent who has lost a child can truly understand and no one else that wants to because the reality of losing a child is just too much too bear. The order is out of whack. It was not supposed to happen like this.
If someone loses a spouse they can get remarried. If someone loses a parent or grandparent, it is hard but we know deep down inside this is how the laws of nature are supposed to happen. But when it comes to a child, especially a young child or even a baby, it is just not supposed to happen like this. We are supposed to die before our children do.
The people in our lives change. They act different around you. No one really wants to talk to you because they do not know what to say. They are either afraid of hurting us further or simply saying something stupid. We are never treated the same. Us as the parents just wish life could go back to being what life was like before the loss, what seemed like at one point what was considered to be normal. Nothing is normal anymore.
Each day just continues to come as we are consumed with our grief. Some days are good and some days seem to be more than we can bare but we somehow manage to muddle through it.
Close friends or family try to give you suggestions on how to cope with your grief. They try to help you feel better by saying to remember the good times. To be thankful for what you have now. To not always think about the one you have lost. Yet this is not for everyone. For some this just does not help. I need to know that I still think about Mari. I need to know that I will never forget her. I need to remember both the good and the bad times. I need to not feel guilty because I am thankful for what is here. “I need” just seems to go on and on and on. Ultimately, we just need her back.
We got a kitty and a puppy. We got them to help with the emptiness and loneliness we feel without Mari here. Nothing can ever compare to that little angel being here but at least when I am at home all alone I have something here to keep me company. Our kitty will just come and jump up on the chair I am sitting so he can sit on my lap. He just wants a little cuddle time. Our puppy will hop up and down trying to get your attention because he wants “attention now please” and is impatient to get it. He seems to be a very needy dog but that is good for me. I need that in my life right now to feel utterly love and adored because the one that used to do that is forever gone.
She will forever be in my heart and my soul. Apart of my heart is forever gone. A piece of it is missing and there is no way to ever mend my broken heart. No matter how hard we try, a part of my heart is now forever gone up to heaven with Mari. One day I will be reunited with Mari and then my heart will be able to be whole again. No one knows that day but someday it will happen. I pray every day for that day. I go to bed everyone night hoping to wake up from the nightmare I have been living since the day she got sick and then the day she left us for heaven. I know that one day we will be reunited and our family will one day be complete again. From my heart to yours, Mari, mommy loves you and misses you.
Mommy
Posts
