Talking from the heart...

Today I sit here thinking about how life can turn out so differently than you could have expected.

Keith and I went to church this morning like we have started to do on a more regular basis since the Sunday before Thanksgiving. We decided to just try Sunday School since I have not been able to handle going to church service at that point. That very first Sunday going to our brand new class I broke down and told everyone about Mari. It is the Sunday before Thanksgiving so you can imagine what the topic is about: What is everyone most thankful for. Well, needless to say, this is not an easy topic for me anymore.

Since that Sunday, Keith and I try to make it to the Sunday School class every week. There have been Sunday’s we have missed but for us we have been pretty consistent with going.

For the last few weeks I have wanted to try going to church service again but Keith was not quite ready to go yet. He just needed a little bit more time. I completely understand that so we continued to just go to Sunday School.

Today was different. We had a friend from our class approach us and ask for us to stay for service. I think she must think about us and thought it would be good for us to attend. She talked to Keith about it and so we decided to stay. Even before she had approached me I was going to talk to Keith about staying because the outline in the bulletin for today’s service looked like it would be a good one to listen to.

We went and chose our seats and waited for the service to start. When the service starts, as in every church I have been too, there is singing for either hymn or praise songs. This service was no different. They sing the song I have always loved to sing in the past and singing just means so much to me every since I can remember being in my high school youth group. It used to bring me such joy and happiness. It meant so much and I would sing it truly from my heart that sometimes it could bring tears to my eyes.

But now the singing seems to just bring me sadness and sobbing. I can no longer sing any more like I used to as I almost always cry now. So I have made a choice to just be quite and listen instead. But today I could not even do that. I had to leave the sanctuary and I went to the restroom. Keith had a nice woman find me in the bathroom as he was worried about me. She told me about this room where I could wait in instead. So I sat in there until the singing was done and went back into the sanctuary until the service was over.

Well, we are now a part of an impact group that meets every other Sunday night. It is a great time of worship and togetherness. Keith and I really enjoy going to the group. Today was a little different though. There was a guy who talked and then he handed out a sheet of paper for the song everyone was to sing. I was only able to sit in that room for about a minute or so and then I had to head to the bathroom. I just started to cry. I finally got it under control and decided to sit in there until the group was done singing.

I guess you can say I am not quite ready to start singing again. Like everything else that has happened thus far, this too will take time. Time. That age old thing that we can never escape from because no matter what we do, time will continue to click on whether we want it to or not. But it’s that time that helps us to eventually get to where we need to be and are headed from here until eternity.