We have moved our site to a new location

To all of our loyal followers, we have moved our blog/website to a new location.  To find us in the future, we are now located at http://www.mommysangelinheaven.com.  I will no longer be posting to both this blog and the new one.  Please come check out our new site and set up.  I look forward to you following us on there.

Meeting Someone New

It’s always interesting to meet someone new. You don’t know what type of person s/he is. You don’t know what to expect from him/her. You don’t know how s/he will react to different situations. In a way, getting to know this new person is like solving a mystery. Will you like this person? Do you have the same ideals? Do you have the same beliefs? And the list just goes on and on. Ultimately, curiosity kills the cat and we must find out more about this person. Do you want to get to know this person more? Do you want him/her to just remain an acquaintance or would you like to get to know him/her on a more personal level to possibly becoming one of your friends? Maybe even a really close friend you know you can count on someday. Or is this a person you want to completely steer clear of as they are not the type of person you want to hang around with or be associated with? I don’t know about you, but in the back of mind I have all of these types of questions that I try to get answered either from the first time I meet a new person or after being around him/her a few times.

The reason I brought this up today is I met someone new yesterday in a completely unexpected way. A woman with one of her daughters and another child knocked on our door yesterday morning. Keith went to answer the door and there she was. We have never met her before and so human instinct kicks in and you want to find out who this person is. Is it someone you want to immediately shut the door on and wish you had never opened the door to begin with or is this someone you want to take a chance with and find out what they want? Well, this lady is someone whom we wanted to find out a little bit more about.

She said she was from a local church in the area and just wanted to invite us out. I of course overheard her talking from across the room so I immediately became intrigued. I went over to the door and started to talk with her.

To make a long story short, she is a very nice person. We ended up talking for about a 30 to 45 minutes right there on our front door step. Her and I have a lot in common. Like our belief system for example. She was very approachable and easy to talk to.

So for some reason I decided to get one of the business cards I have made up that have a picture of Mari on it (one of her very last one’s before she got sick) and the website to Mommy’s Angel In Heaven. Then I decided to share with her about Mari.

Normally, I can tell people about Mari and I keep my emotions in check, so to speak. But for some reason this time, I was not able to do that. As I was talking about Mari and how Keith and I want to find a church to go to but have not as of yet, I start to cry.

I hate it when I become emotional like this, and what seems out of the blue, especially with a complete stranger I have never met before. I mean, what will this person think of me? Will she think I am a complete basket case? Wish she think I am an emotional wreck? Who knows? But for some reason I felt incredibly safe with this woman. I felt I could open up to her and I need that. Especially given that I hardly know anyone yet since we moved here. I don’t have any friends yet. It can be rather lonely sometimes. So I guess I just needed someone to talk to and she felt safe as it seems like we have a lot in common.

Well, I have a feeling she thinks I am totally sane and not a basket case. She probably understood that the loss of a child is incredible and you never really get over it.

The end result is I would like to get to know this woman better and possibly create a friendship. It feels nice to meet someone new you want to get to know better. So I want to send out a big “thank you” to this woman for taking a chance by knocking on our door yesterday as you just never know whom you might meet and touch in the end.

Julie and Sylvia

Sylvia, I want you to know how much of a dear friend you have become to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, you were such a help to Keith and I when we were still living in DeKalb. Every Sunday morning you enabled us to be able to attend church service while you were taking care of our beloved angel during children’s church. You enabled her to participate and be around other kids her own age. You have such a gift and you were a God send as you have the speech background that could ultimately help in ways that most people couldn't. You understood her like most people couldn't. You are just such a special person and if I have never told you thank you for all you ever did with our beloved baby girl, I want you to know now how very thankful Keith and I are and will always continue to be.

Let me just say that you have been there for me in ways that most people could not as you too have lost a child and a very young one at that. You have been there for me in my darkest hour and I appreciate you more than you could ever know or imagine. My sincerest hope is that one day, I too, can be there for a parent whom has lost a child (even though we all wish this would never happen again but unfortunately we all know it will) in ways that he or she could have never imagined.

We unfortunately have joined a club, a very special club. The club everyone hates and no one wants to enter. We become members kicking and scream but no matter what we end up joining in the end. It's the “Parents Who've Lost a Child” club. We all have an understanding that others out there simply cannot understand or truly grasp. I mean, they try but it is impossible to truly understand until you have been through it yourself and obviously no one wants that. So in a way it is a good thing these other people don't understand as it just means they themselves have been saved from the heartache and despair we all feel and have felt.

It's is weird how other people can actually relate to my writing. I have been told that I have a way of being able to take those feelings and emotions that most people cannot or are unable to talk about or portray to others and I am able to put them down into words for other people to understand. I can honestly say that it is so strange for me to hear.

I have always said that I never considered myself to be a very good writer. That is slowly but surely starting to change. As the old adage, or old saying, goes when you hear something enough, good or bad, you start to believe it. So I have to conclude with enough people saying it that I must write ok after all. So thank you to all of you who have either told me this or have never said anything but you yourself believe it.

It is through friends like Sylvia and Julie that have truly helped me in ways I never thought humanly possible during these almost past two years. We are only 14 days, exactly 2 weeks, away from where my life started to change and I had no idea it was about to. It is a change that I have hated and will continue to hate for the rest of my life, but a change none the less. A change that I have still not completely accepted nor will I ever fully accept it. However, it is a change that will slowly but sure be imbedded into my mind as there is no way anyone of us could ever change it back so you have to learn to just accept the reality of what has been given to you anyway.

It is interesting to me how this had simply started out to be a reply to a comment that a very dear friend had made and now it has turned out to be so much more than that. I was realizing as I was writing this that there is more to this reply than just a reply. I guess when the thoughts start coming, they seem to explode now and then. It’s weird that way for me sometimes. It feels good in the end to get them all out there written down. I can look back on them later and they even help me out. It feels good to know this.

Then as an added bonus: They seem to help other people out there as well. I mean, I could have never imagined that way back when Mari was first in the hospital that those journal entries I was writing about while she was in the hospital and what was happening to her and her updates (see Her Hospital Story) would ultimately lead me into writing out my own feelings with the loss of Keith’s and my beloved baby girl, our beloved angel in heaven.

I say “our” because Mari may have been mine and Keith’s daughter, however, she was and continues to be everyone else’s out there’s beloved angel in heaven watching over all of us. She makes sure we are all ok in her own special way, Mari’s way (I mean, could you truly imagine it being any other way?). After all, it always had to be Mari’s way here on earth. Do you honestly think it would change up there in heaven? No way.

Back to the comments people have been leaving. Here recently, I have received so many that have meant so much to me. Julie wrote how she loves “reading [my] writing when [I] do these honest, real life pieces. [I’m] so down to earth and easy to relate to. The continuing story of Mari and how [Keith and I] are dealing with her being gone is really a unique and rich experience that [I am] doing an amazing job of sharing with everyone.” It’s hard for me to truly get across how this just cut right down to my heart and meant so much. It touched me in a way that is hard for me to put down in to words. As I was reading her comment last night, it actually brought tears to my eyes just as Sylvia’s comment did for me this morning. To hear how other people either feel or see my writing is such a neat experience and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So the bottom line is just Thank You. Thank you to everyone and the words you have shared with me through your comments. Some are short, sweet and to the point, others are long and very expressive, and then all of those in between. Thank you for them all.

With Love,

When life throws you a curve ball (man, all I wanted was a fast one :) )

All I can say is, “Boy what a night last night.” Keith and I typically go to bed, what might seem for most people, rather late. It seems like if we are starting to get ready for bed by 11 o’clock or midnight that it is an early night for us. We both are suck night owls as we usually are going to bed around 1 or 2am and sometimes even later.

Well, last night did not start off as a good night once we got upstairs and settling down for the night. As it was, I was very tired. It’s around 1am and by the point the littlest think seems to be irritating to me. For example, my husband setting the alarm for the time he did (we’ll leave that for another story :p ). It’s all jumbled up together now. It was stuff that just seems stupid now (aren’t most fights this way after all :) ).

Ultimately, the conversation ended up on Mari. It has been several months (at least 3 or 4) since we have had a real conversation about MarMar. We just hardly talk about her anymore. I guess that is what happens in life when you don’t have that person around you everyday like you used to. It’s not that you forget about her, as I am sure you can imagine we don’t. It’s just they are not here to talk about.

I ended up going down the road of talking about how I felt like I was a bad mom. Mari’s autism was so severe and hard to deal with sometimes. People always thought I had such great patience when they saw me with her. I always felt my patience was on its last legs. It was always run thin and towards the end of her life in those last couple of years it just seemed to be growing thinner and thinner.

There were times when she would do things like writing on the walls or pulling down her pants to go potty right in her bedroom instead of letting me know she needed to go to the bathroom so she could use the toilet. In these moments, I would just need a break like counting to ten or even just putting her in her room for a little while so I could calm down. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I even did it.

It is hard for me to admit this but I feel sometimes like I have so much regret. I don’t like to tell people this because immediately they will say to me that I have nothing to regret. I was a good mom and things like that. However, I feel like such a selfish person sometimes as all I wanted when she was alive is to have my own time ALONE without her. I still remember the day they called me from her school asking Keith and I to come and pick her up as she had diarrhea. All I know is I wanted that time for me and I did not want her home yet. 4th of July weekend was coming that weekend and so she was going to be home for the next four days. I just wanted that “me time”. But as parents, are you supposed to have that “me time” anymore? Isn’t it all supposed to be about your children until they can be on their own? And in my case, Mari was never going to be on her own with her autism the way it was.

Well, guess what happens: she gets sick and dies. I know technically that it is not my fault she is gone. However, I feel like I brought this upon myself for ever thinking this way to begin with. You might be thinking, “Well every parent has their moments of wanting alone time.” I know that logically it is not really my fault but it doesn’t stop those guilty thoughts that keep creeping into my mind. I guess the bottom line is I miss her so much.

As I sat there talking to Keith I realized that now it was the 16th. We are exactly one month away from Mari being gone for two years. Can you believe it’s already been two years? It dumb founds me. Unfortunately for me, it always seems like around this time every month I always seems to have a hard time. In the last couple of months everything has been ok for the most part. However, this month is different. For one, I have been sitting here really working hard on this site and getting it better organized. In doing this I am rereading all my writing. It is bringing up a lot of how I have been feeling over the last couple of years and rebringing those feelings to the surface.

The other thing is that we are exactly one month away from Mari being gone for two years. Can you believe it’s already been two years? It dumbfounds me. Our lives have had to continue on. Keith and I both feel guilty for being happy with the fact at how much easier our lives are now that Mari is not here. You have to be a parent of a severely autistic child and then to have that child pass away to truly understand where we are coming from. We talked about it again last night how if she were still alive that she probably would have been institutionalized by now. Keith said that it still kills him to even think about it now but we both know that she was becoming a hazard to herself and her safety was our main concern.

Unfortunately, life likes to throw you a curve ball when all you want is fast one to be thrown straight at you so you can better control the direction your life is heading. So much for what we want as life is filled with many curve balls that we would like to avoid all together.

How quickly time flies before we realize...

As most of you know, and those of you who are new and don't, I have moving my website to a new server and creating a new site for better utilization and personalization. In doing this, I have been going through each and every post I have ever posted and reorganizing everything. I am better organizing categories to help people find a post they might be interested in. I have now included tags for every post. So far I am to the end of the year 2008. I still have all of 2009 and what has been written this year.


In doing this I ran accross one of my posts. In a way it is a strange coincidence because I have a song that I have been wanting to write about and then post and it relates directly to this post I wrote over a year and a half ago. Because I have been thinking about this recently, I am reposting what I wrote before and I have added the lyrics to the song I have been thinking about as well as a YouTube video to the song itself. If nothing else, I hope this song will stop and make you think about how short life really is and how we only have so much time on this earth. I originally wrote this post back on December 27, 2008.


I think about how time can be more precious than most really think about or even care to think about. Because if we think about how precious time really is we then begin to realize that it is not infinite. We only have a limited amount of time, each and everyone of us, here on this earth. When our time is up, it is up. There is no amount of begging or pleading that can keep us here or those that we love.


I can remember sitting in the hospital at the beginning of her getting sick and just thinking I hope she gets better soon. That lasted about 2 days. Then to watch our daughter go downhill as quickly as she did, it went from hoping she gets better, to I hope she just makes it through this and she is still alive.


Most of the days were incredibly difficult, but three days in particular were the worst. The first day was the day we found out she had had a stroke. No, she did not die, but she had a stroke at the age of eight. That did not even remotely seem possible. The second day would be the day I watched my daughter crashing in front of me due to a cerebral hemorrhage. At the time I did not even know what that was but I will never forget these 6 words, “Get a crash cart, she's coding.” I think they are permanently tattooed in my head. The final, most difficult day of all was when we were told the little girl we had before no longer existed. That we basically had the shell of Mari left and she would never come back to us. That was the day we had to make a decision that would change our lives forever. To make a decision to permanently let your own child go is unthinkable and yet we had to do it this day. I mean, how could this be that just two weeks prior she was laughing, and dancing, and singing, and just being Mari to how letting her go permanently to never see her again. It’s inconceivable but the reality of it is we were having to make that decision anyway.


That age old saying of how “that won’t happen to me” or “that could never happen to me” got completely blown out of the water. It can happen to anyone. Those that it doesn’t happen to are just the lucky ones because if it does happen to you, then you know just how unlucky you really are as you have to deal with the loss for the rest of your life.


Please just remember time is precious. We all seem to get to the point where we take time for granted until something like this happens and then we live each day knowing that at any moment things could change. My hope is those that read this will be inspired to change the way they look at life and know that at any moment their lives can change either in a positive or a negative way and to just live each day to the fullest.


Here is the song I was talking about earlier. Music and Lyrics by the group SuperChick.


"We Live"


There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could say she loved him one last time
And hold him tight
But with life we never know
When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


There's a man who waits for the tests
To see if the cancer has spread yet
And now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"
If I could have the time back how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway?
To get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


(repeat chorus 4 times)


To play the following video, simply click on the box. It is then going to tell you that "Embedding disabled by request Watch on YouTube". Simply click on the link and it will open up a new window and start to play the video. I hope you enjoy.

Do you have any kids?

It is interesting. Most people don’t even think about it but when you first meet someone and he or she says they are married, it seems like one of the very first questions anyone asks is, “Do you have any kids?” I was just sitting here this evening and it struck me on a funny chord. No not “funny ha ha” but “funny ironic.” I think it is our natural curiosity that wants to know just a little bit more about the person you have just met. It is the last thing on anyone’s mind when they ask this question that yes the person might have kids but he or she may have lost a child, or in really rare, unbelievable instances he or she may have lost more than one child.


It seems like invariably that when I tell someone I am married, and especially for how long (16 years), the next natural question that seems to be asked is, “Do you have any kids?” I always say I did. Some people don’t catch on to the whole word “did.” Some people do but I think they choose to ignore it or you can see the look on their face change as they do not know what to say next. And then some people say, “I am so sorry.” No one is truly ever prepared to run into someone who has lost a child, even if you have lost one yourself. It seems like the natural course of life is thrown out of whack as a child is supposed to always out live his or her parents, especially if it is a young child.


Once someone finds out you don’t have a child then his or her curiosity seems to get the better of him or her and their next question almost always is, “What happened?” or “May I ask what happened?” You as the parent understand their curiosity but for him or her it is a double edged sword. No, it is not that you really mind tell the story of what happened. In a way, it is just a story. The hard part about this in particular story is when he or she has to tell it, it is like he or she is reliving it all over again.


I know this from firsthand experience. To be honest, I never mind when someone asks me what happened. In a way, it has helped me with my grieving process. My husband cannot stand to talk about it at all. He grieves in a completely different way.


So when I am asked I always tell some form of the story depending on how I am feeling at the time and if I am up to telling the whole thing. There are times I simply say something like this, “She somehow contracted E-coli. This in particular E-coli caused complete kidney failure, then stroke, a cerebral hemorrhage and cardiac arrest. We eventually made the hardest decision of our lives by taking her off life support on July 16, 2008.” I guess you could say that version is very sweet and to the point. Sometimes I will get a little more detailed than that. Then there are times that, depending on who I am talking to and how comfortable I feel with my first impression of him or her, I will go through the whole story, day by day, telling him or her what happened to our beloved baby girl. It is very rare in these cases that I don’t end up crying by the time I am done.


The other versions I am able to just say and step back from my emotions. I guess the best way to describe it is like I step outside of my body and am looking from the outside in so that I can keep my emotions at bay. That last version is almost impossible to tell without having my emotions right there on my sleeve. I guess I would not be human if I somehow did not feel something when telling that story.


When I am done telling the story I can also tell him or her about Mari and how she was when she was alive. The most important thing I can do as her mommy is to tell people about her so her memory stays alive for years to come.


I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you very much.


Love Mommy

Moments before Mari left for heaven

It Happens At the Strangest Time

I am sure you all can imagine that Mari is never really far from my mind. Today is no different.

Most of you know by now that I have started working out again. I set my alarm for 5am this morning (yeah, that is the correct time) so I could be to the gym by 6:30am for my very first personal training session. My personal trainer is Jennifer. Man she kicked my booty this morning. So much so that she cut our session 7 minutes early as my body was completely worn out (man am I out of shape).

I was so sore after our session this morning. I then headed over to Wal-Mart and I pick up a heart beat session. It is one that is both a wrist watch type along with having a chest strap. It is pretty neat.

I was home by around 9am this morning. Keith was still in bed so I decided to go back to bed for a little while as I was completely worn out.

Later this afternoon around 5pm we went back to the gym. Keith had not worked out yet today so he needed to get his in too. Because my thighs were so tight from this morning’s workout I decided to get on the elliptical to see if it will help me with the soreness I was feeling.

The first few minutes I was not sure if I was going to be able to finish or not. But I stuck with it.

I have an iPhone and I have a lot of my music on the iPod on my phone. I put a playlist on when I started and just listened to the music as I was striding along.

Well, a song came on and I was really listening to the words. You know what I mean. It is not like you don’t know the song and you have probably listened to the song a hundred times or more but this time I was really listening to the words. The song I was listening too was Steven Curtis Chapman’s song called “Beauty Will Rise.” It really made me stop and think about my beloved Mari as this man truly knows what it is like to lose your own precious child as his own beloved Maria passed away only a month and a half before Mari on May 21, 2008.

It is amazing at how quickly one’s life can change. In just an instant Steven’s life changed just as mine did within two weeks and two days.

This is a man whom I have admired for quite some time for the beautiful music he has put out since I was in high school. It has such meaning behind each and every song he has written.

His last album is basically a compilation of song either about his beautiful little angel now in heaven or how he has gotten through this terrible time. Unfortunately I can say I know how it feels and what has been going through these last two years. (It amazes me how it has already almost been two years since Mari left this earth for heaven.)

Going back to the song I was talking about earlier, “Beauty Will Rise,” as this song is so beautiful and truly helps you to understand why the sadness and loss can hit you at the strangest times, I want to share the lyrics to this beautiful song with you:

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed till my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you
Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning

I can hear it in the distance
And it’s not too far away
It’s the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it’s time to make everything new
Make it all new
This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that’s been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He’s made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we’ll know the joy that’s coming in the morning, in the morning

Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise

Words and music by Steven Curtis Chapman

Memorial Day

As we approach Memorial Day many things come to mind but at the forefront of my mind is our beloved Mariana. No she never served in our nation’s Armed Forces but she had the privilege of being buried in the Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery. How might you ask is this possible if she was never a veteran as only veterans are allowed to be buried in a national cemetery or the veteran’s spouse. Well there is one loop hole that my husband Keith and I found out the hard way: You have a child that passes away and they get the privilege of being buried there if they are still your dependant (I believe under the age of 18).

Our daughter was only 8 ½ years old when she passed away. Who ever thought that a little bacteria could be so deadly. Not Keith and I. Well we found out the hardest way anyone could ever find out when our daughter contracted E-coli 0157:H7. No, technically the E-coli did not kill her but it is what the E-coli did to her little body that ultimately took her life (to read more about her story, click here).

But I am off track. Memorial Day is a day to remember those loved ones we have lost. In other words, to preserve the memory of them. To remember them always. This is a special day. I don’t think it is a day any of really want to have as this means we have lost a loved one. I know I don’t. I would much rather have MarMar here than just the memory of her and remembering how she used to be but that is all that is left are our memories.

All of us remember Mari somewhat the same but all of also remember her a bit differently from one another. Obviously for Keith and me she is at the forefront of our minds. The other spectrum is those that barely knew her but still remember her with such fondness. This is how she continues to live on in all of our lives. My true desire is that the light of Mari, the flame that she once had alive, will continue to live on for many years pass her short time on this earth.

We have a friend who was going out to the cemetery anyway and wanted to know if we would like her to put anything on her grave since Memorial Day is tomorrow. We were so grateful that she called and asked as Keith and I cannot go as we live too far away now. Here is a picture of the flowers and pinwheel that she put on her grave. The flag must have been put there by the cemetery as you can see there are flags in front of all the other cemetery markers as well.

Memorial Day is simply special as I know she will never be forgotten.

We miss you baby girl and Mommy loves you very much.

Love Mommy

Then it hits ya

Since moving here to Kentucky, I have fell in love with a program on the Style Channel. The program is called Clean House. If you have never seen it before, they take people who are clutter fanatics (and man there are some that are so nasty) and help them clean out the clutter, sell the stuff in a yard sale and then give them a makeover in the rooms they cleared out.

Well, they have a couple of shows that came from the original called Clean House: Search for the Messiest House in the Country and Clean House Comes Clean. Clean House Comes Clean is more of the outtakes and stuff they did not show in the original episode aired.

Well tonight I was watching the Comes Clean one and they had a baby episode one where there were parents who were expecting a new baby. The second couple in the episode ended up having a baby on July 16, 2008. I was completely taken aback. For those of you who don’t know, that is the EXACT day Mari passed away.


Over the years I think we all hear about how one life ends and another begins. Well, this was like a slap in the face. My baby girl’s life ended and this new little one’s started. I know that there are going to be many other babies that happened to be born on that day as well but this was a baby that was tangible. They even showed pictures of the new little one and then showed an updated with the baby now being about a year and a half old.

I was amazed I did not cry. It’s just strange how at any moment you can have something that brings it all back to the forefront.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.
Love Mommy

To Lose Weight or Not To Lose Weight: That is the Question

I am very disappointed in myself. When I weighed myself this evening I weighed 1XX (did you honestly think I would say how much I weigh, yeah right. LOL). I am so disappointed in myself and how I have slowly been gaining weight. In the last year I have put on another 10 pounds. That is a lot of gosh darn weight. If I keep at it I will be over 200 pounds in the next few years.


The one good thing I have going for me is I am 5’7” tall. When people look at me they notice I have thin arms and legs and even my face and neck look thin. However, my belly and my hips, not so much. I just wear the right kind of cloths so that I look think than I actually am. Most people tell me they think I weigh around 140 to 150 (boy wouldn’t that be nice). It is where I would like to be. But unfortunately I am much more than that.


Keith was gone on his first trip this last week to Houston. He got back late, late last night (around 2am this morning). He is as unhappy with his belly as I am. We both used to be such skinny people. Not nasty skinny where all you saw is our skin and bones. But healthy skinny.


I used to weigh around 130 to 135 pounds up until I was about 24 years old. I had gotten out of the Army about a year prior and Keith was getting ready to get out of the Army. I ended up taking an administrative assistant job. In other words, a job where you basically sit down all day. Talk about a dramatic change in routine. Over that next year I gained around 20 to 25 pounds. I went from a size 9/10 to a 16.


I of course don’t ever want to be that thin again as I don’t think it would be as healthy for me now. However, I would love to weigh around 140 to 145.


So, Keith and I are actually going to get up early on a Saturday morning and go to a cycling class together. It will be nice to work out with the man I love. I know when I went the other day it kicked my hinny. But you know what, it was a good kick in the hinny. Now Keith gets to experience that himself. At least when we go this time I will be prepared with my own seat cushion cover for the seat as my derrière still hurts from the cycle class on Wednesday.

Strength...

Strength: Where does it come from? Everyone always wants to tell me how strong I am for how I am today with dealing with the death of Mari. And I used to think the same thing when I saw a parent and how they were dealing with the death of a child. I would think to myself how incredibly strong that person must be to be dealing with the loss. The strength they have inside themselves must be so incredibly strong to be able to get through this incredibly hard time. I know I could never be that strong. I could never make it through the loss of a child.



AND THEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU!


I can honestly say I hate it when I hear how strong someone thinks I am. I have learned that it is not strength. I know some people will be in disagreement with me. However, only another parent who has lost a child will truly understand what I am about to say. It is not strength that gets you through. It is that you don’t have a choice. I mean, my child’s life has ended but I am still alive on this earth. I can either somehow learn to live my life without my child here or I kill myself. For most people, the latter is really not an option. For some reason our child’s life ended before ours. The order seems to be out of whack. Yet, we are still here as the parent and our child has passed away. So we learn to live a new life without them here. No, we may never truly understand why our child is gone but they are none the less. So it is not strength that gets us through but that we have no choice. We have to continue on with our lives. It is like we have died and a new person was reborn in our place.


It is a choice. I know there are some parents out there who felt that once their child died they had nothing to live for so they take their lives. I can honestly say that there were days where I wish God would just take my life early as I did not see how I could live without Mari here but I never wanted to take my own life. It did feel unbearable at times with the pain and grief going so incredibly deep. There were so many at first. Now they have become fewer and fewer being farther and farther apart. My life seems to have happiness in it again. I believe this is a good thing. It is hard to live life if you are always feeling sad and down.


I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.


Love Mommy

It's time to get in shape

Well it has been awhile but a long time coming: I have officially starting working out again (of course it is only the first day, but you have to keep optimistic right).

I signed up for personal training this week on post. I went in this morning to have my very first session (or should I say second as the first time I met with my personal trainer she went over some guidelines and what not to get me started right). When I arrived I found out that she, I believe, fell down some stairs and could barely get herself back in her home. I hope she is ok. Needless to say, I DID NOT have personal training today. However, since our appointment was for 6:30 this morning (yes, that would be AM, am I nuts or what) and since I was already there I figured I might as well jump on the treadmill for some cardio. I only walked for a ½ hour but I did walk at 3 mph at a 5 incline. I think that is pretty good since I have not done it in forever.

While I was at the gym yesterday I also saw they have a cycling class. I have always wanted to attend one but never had one in my area I could attend. So I also decided to go this evening and check it out. Boy, you talk about something that will kick your derehre (I know that is spelled wrong, but I think you get the drift). But it was such a good workout. It was 40 minutes of brutality. A spinning class is no joke. I am so glad I attended though. I will probably attend the class on a regular basis.
I told Keith about it tonight. He said he would attend with me the next time I went.

Iris and Kristena

I sit here watching Mr. Holland’s Opus. I think this is one of those movies that just touch you to the depths of our soul. It has true meaning instead of what a lot of these movies out there today seem to lack. I think if you have seen this movie it has touched you in some way.

I have not really watched this movie in several years. As a matter of fact I do not remember the last time I watched it. It is a simple movie about a man named Glenn, or Mr. Holland, who had a dream and did teaching to bring in the income his family needed and then spent the next 30 years doing something he ultimately ended up loving and leaving a legacy behind.

What really struck me tonight though are the similarities between Iris, Glenn's wife, and myself. They find out very early on, probably when Cole, their son, is around 18 months old, that he is deaf. This is a striking blow for Glenn as he is a music teacher and has aspirations to one day be a conductor for his own symphony.

What you witness when Cole is around 6 or 7 years old is that he is unable to communicate with his mom and dad. He wants something out of the cabinet but gets so frustrated and starts to throw things. This leads to a fight between Iris and Glenn and he yells at her and says, “Give him what he wants.” She yells back in return, “I don’t know what he wants. I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell me. Don’t you get it? You go off to school every day with all of your children who are normal. I can’t talk to my son! I don’t know what he wants or what he thinks or what he feels; I can’t tell him that I love him. I can’t tell him who I am! I want to talk to my son! I don’t care what it costs!” The scene continues on because she wants to send their son to a private school for the deaf and Glenn is unsure of the costs.

The part that really struck me tonight is how similar my life was to Iris’. Even though she is a fictional character, I can still relate. I guess that is what makes a good movie truly good is that even if something is fictional it can seem real.

I felt that way for most of Mari’s life. The day Mari was officially diagnosed, the dreams Keith and I had for her officially flew out the window into never never land and never to return. Our lives had to become filled with new hopes and/or dreams for our little precious ones. And even those seemed to change all the time.

I think many parents take for granted sometimes how something like being able to communicate with child really means. I told Mari I loved her all the time but she never understood what that meant. She knew Keith and I were the ones to take care of her and in her own special way I think she somewhat understood somehow that we were mommy and daddy but she never really understood what a mommy and daddy really are. She would say, “Let’s go potty,” but usually not for the reasons that most people think of. It was usually to get out of doing whatever she was doing in that moment. We would go into a store and I would try to let her pick out a new DVD. The problem was that she would only pick out movies that she already owned as she was familiar with those. She did not want any new ones that she had not seen before. If she had her way I would probably own 10 to 20 of the same title of each DVD. So you have a child that has a meltdown in the store because she cannot do what is the simple act of communicating. The sad part about it is when this happens in a store and you have a 7 or 8 year old child throw what seems like a big temper tantrum, you have everyone looking around at you probably thinking, “Can’t you control your child?” Or “Man that child needs to learn some proper manners.” Or whatever else people might say when they see a child acting up in public. I know this happens because I have done it myself when I see a child really acting up badly. Before Mari, I never once thought to stop and think maybe there is more to this child’s acting out than you can tell just by looking at the child.

I mean to look at Mari you would never be able to tell she had a severe disability in the fact she had severe autism. She just looked like your normal, everyday child who was both beautiful and precious all wrapped up into one package.

Even though Iris was a fictional character, I relate to her so well. I sat here trying not to cry as it really touched me as I am watching her yelling how she just wants to be able to communicate with her son and I have felt so many times in Mari short lifetime.

Love The One Your With

Well, I sit here at home today by myself as Keith has left on his first trip for his new position today. He will only be gone until Thursday, another words 5 days and 4 nights. When you put it into overall perspective, that is really not that long considering he is in the Army and he could be being deployed instead and be gone for a year or two. But still, I hate it when he has to leave.

I am not one of those wives who actually looks forward to their husbands leaving for a few days or if he has been home on vacation days to where you just can’t want from him to go back to work. Personally, I love it when my husband has time off. I like having him home.

It is not that we even do all that much stuff when he is home. However, we are together and to me that is all that really matters. We are either watching one of our TV shows we like to watch or we are watching a Blu-Ray/DVD from our huge collection of movies. Or he is playing Bang-Bank Shoot-um Up (In other words: Modern Warfare 2: Call of Duty) as he likes to call it while I am watching one of my shows or playing on my computer. Or we might both just be sitting in bed reading a book. So it is not really about doing something together as much as it is just being together spending time together.

It seems like most people today if they have been married for any length of time that is just not the case. To me it is kind of amazing that after 16 years of marriage that we both feel the same way about each other. No, we are not delusional about each other as we can still drive each other nuts, but overall, we just love each other more than we could have ever imagined possible.

I can truly say without hesitation that Keith is the love of my life. The other thing I like to say is that even though there is not one person on this earth that is perfect, Keith and I are perfect for each other.

I guess you could say I am one lucky woman to have found the man of my dreams.

Just sitting here thinking

The last few days I have just been sitting here thinking about how I have come to truly love writing and then sharing it will all of you. It gives me a peace inside that I never knew it could bring me.

When I was growing up, school was very hard for me, especially english. I would say that english was my very hardest class and then history was next with trying to remember all those little factoids. I can remember right after I graduated high school and I started to attend the local community college, I took their placement test and I was placed into the lowest level english class they offered. I was three classes away from being even able to take English 101. I felt so dumb back then.

That semester I decided to go from the Army Reserves to go on active duty. I left for Ft. Hood, TX, on March 30, 1994. I did not attempt to go back to school from many years and even when I did I stayed away from English classes until I absolutely had to. I took my first college level English class in the fall of 98. I was attending Prairie State College in Chicago Heights, IL, at the time and when I took their placement test I was able to jump right into English 101. I am not sure how I learned enough to get into college level english class but it sure felt good.

The last english class I took was actually American Lit 2. I can truly say I throughly enjoyed that class and was even considering taking another english class just for fun. Talk about a total turn around.

It amazes me sometimes how ones life can change so much in such a short (or long) period of time.

Mari's Dress

I’ve spent the day trying to unpack the spare bedroom/office area. It is such time consuming work. Once in a while I run into something that was Mari’s. For the most part, all of her stuff was packed away and is in the storage unit we rented as our place is just too small to hold all of our stuff until we get on post housing.

I was just going through one of the boxes we had packed back up after the movers just half-assed put our stuff everywhere and was a big mess. As I was going through this box, there was a yellow three-prong folder and it said “Mariana” on the outside. So I decided to look inside. I already knew what the folder was but wanted to look anyway.

The folder was from the fall of 2004 while she was in school. It is mostly her artwork. There are a couple of pictures of her at school as well. When I have a chance I will scan the pictures in for everyone to see. I am so glad I have this kind of stuff but at the same time it makes me so sad. I made me miss her so much that the ache goes deep down in my heart.

I took the book, went to my room and laid it on our bed to be put away later. Then I went back into the other room and in the walk-in-closet is Mari’s long purple princess type dress I made for her for Keith’s sister Peggy’s wedding. I took the dress down and held it up like if Mari was still in it and just hugged it. I was trying to remember her being in it and how if she was still alive how far off the ground she would have been. It just reminded me of how incredibly little she really was and how incredibly missed she truly is now.

She would have turned 10 this past December yet she will always remain in everyone’s mind our 8½ little angel up in heaven. I still have a hard time understand why she is gone sometimes. I think every parent out there who has ever lost a child still thinks this no matter how long their child has been gone.

I realize that God works in mysterious ways and for whatever reason Mari’s time on this earth was done. It may not make sense to any of us but God understand more than all of us put together.

I still have to wonder why. Is it because of Mari’s severe autism and how she was becoming harder and harder to take care of everyday and Keith and I were not sure if we were going to be able to keep her safe from herself. I cannot remember how many times she either escaped out of the house to go on our roof or just go outside.

Or is it because God know she was very hard to deal with and it was becoming too much for Keith and I. I know we had no life outside of Mari but I would trade everything I have to have her back right now. However, maybe God felt that Keith and I were at a point to where we just could not take anymore. I don’t feel this way but only God knows.

Or was it because God needed me to be able to get through the loss of our beloved angel so that I could one day be there for other parents who have lost a child or other who have lost a loved one to let these people know that I truly understand what it means to lose someone you love with all your heart and soul.

Through my writing, I truly hope that I can touch many people’s lives and be there for those who are needed someone who is there to just listen or that my words can somehow help others out there. I know I want to write a book about Mari’s life. I would also love to talk to people at seminars or something like that to help others out there who need it.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you very much.

Love Mommy

Moving Time...

Well, the move is finally done. They pack up our house last month on the 14th, moved it out on the 15th, left for Kentucky on the 19th, ended up having an abscessed tooth from a root canal from over 4 or 5 years ago, had oral surgery on the 22nd, finally started looking for places to live on the 23rd, found a place to rent on the 28th and put deposit down, signed new lease on May 3, transportation delivered our stuff on the 6th, had massive asthma attack in middle of night on the 6th (technically the 7th) around 2am due to the fact the previous tenant and that he or she had smoked (supposedly the carpet had been professionally clean, YEAH RIGHT!!), and now we are finally at the 13th, exactly 1 month from where we started – man, can more stuff be packed into such a short of period of time. I guess I don’t want to find out (and I bet I am even missing a couple of things in there.

Well, as you can imagine, it had its ups and downs.

Something that happened during the move is I had specifically wrapped up Mari’s hand molds in bubble wrap (if needed) and put in a special box and even labeled “Mari’s hand molds”. I told the movers they were to not be packed with our stuff as Keith and I would be taking them with us. These are items that can never be replaced and are completely priceless. I gave them to Keith to put in the car and that was the last I saw of them. When Keith and I were packing up the car to come to Kentucky on the 19th, the box with the hand molds was completely missing. Keith guessed the movers must have packed them. I figured Keith had either lost them somehow or for some stupid reason the movers did exactly what I told them not to do and packed them anyway.

As you can imagine, I was just in tears over this. On the way down to Kentucky, the moving company calls to check in on everything. I told her that Mari’s hand molds are missing and we believe the movers packed them after we specifically told them not to. So she checked into in and asked the packers about it. They specifically remembered me telling Keith to put them in the car and they said that is where they went. So as you can imagine I am even more upset. We had been at a rest stop at the time. I had started to drive and then I had to pull over as I was just too upset.

So Keith called his mom and asked her to really look around her house for the molds as the packers were adamant we had them. Needless to say, mom never found them.

Well, when the moving company delivered our stuff, their idea of unpacking our house was literally just removing our stuff and making big piles everywhere. Nothing got put away AT ALL. It was such a HUGE mess. About a day or two later (as the management company for our townhome was having a professional cleaner coming in to clean the carpets) we started to get everything either back in boxes or in the files cabinets and low and behold at the bottom of the pile was the box with the hand molds. Imagine that, the stupid packers had packed it after all.

Keith and I opened the box and fortunately all three were ok. It was such a relief to know we had actually found them.

Mommy misses you with all of her heart and loves you very much.

I Died

The day I died is a day I will never forget

There was nothing but emptiness and what seemed like utter despair

It seemed to envelop me like a black cloud unable to see or breathe

No one knows how they will die or if they will ever get to live again

I did not know what to do as all I saw was the blackness around me

The day I died was the day a new person became born and took my place

Time seemed to stand still until one unexpected moment, one unexpected day

Something was off in the distance; I had to blink twice to make sure it was there

Could this be a small spec of light, the first light of my new birth, my new life

Yes it is, it brings forth a small ray of hope, a glimmer of anticipation for what lies ahead

As the days go by the light doesn’t seem to get bigger as it is growing ever so slowly

Then one day I notice the light has become bigger as it is no longer a small spec but rather a guiding light to take me on my new path, my new life

I start to feel alive again and like this life is worth living

The days go by and I have setbacks, but they become fewer and farther apart

The light is now brilliant and truly magnificent

It can be exactly what one needs in their life if they are willing to follow it

Changes

I sit here in our car as Keith and I are driving to DeKalb one last time before we move to Kentucky. I have nothing to write on at the moment so I took some brown napkins from my glove compartment to use instead (I guess they are not just for wiping your hands off after all).

Many things are happening right now in our lives. Many good-byes.

The other day we attended our last Parent-only grief group. It was definitely bitter-sweet. I can say without hesitation that this group is beyond special. It is a group of people who come together twice a month and yet all of us would agree that we wish we would have never met. Just like one of our pastors from our church in DeKalb had said at MarMar’s funeral, we are all now part of a very unique club. A club no one in their right mind would ever want to or voluntarily join yet every last one of us has been initiated into it kicking and screaming. The club is for those of us who are parents who have lost a child. So I am sure you now understand why I say that everyone in our grief group wishes we had never met because that means the child we were caring for and raising would still be alive and here.

However, because we were all thrust into this unbelievable nightmare we all live every day, I can also say how unbelievably grateful we all are to have each other as every last one of us understands how deep and lasting the pain truly goes.

This past Thursday night was our last group meeting before we leave for Kentucky. They had a very special ceremony in honor of our last time attending called a Rock Ceremony. In the room we meet in there was a coffee table with some flat, smooth stones laying there. I supposed they represented the ceremony we were getting ready to go through.

We had our normal group time. I always love this time because we all can talk about whatever is on our mind. It is a safe place to open up. That time obviously was shortened due to the ceremony but it was still nice.

Then we nicely transitioned into the ceremony. One of the people who leads the group started by talking about two stones, one each in a small, dark blue velour type draw sting bag. There were two bags, one for Keith and one for myself. She told us one stone was rough. It signifies how the loss of our child is one of the worst things to have occurred in our lives. It has been a rough and jagged time getting through since she died. The other stone was a smooth stone. Smooth stones are formed from places like river beds where year after year the water slowly but surely works on that rough rock to where one day it becomes smooth. It represents how the journey slowly but surely gets easier as time goes by and the hurt slowly heals to where we eventually, for the most part, are ok. So these stones thus symbolize our journey with the loss of Mari. No, we will never forget and we will still have those bad moments or days for the rest of our lives. However, it shows how our journey will eventually become smooth like the second stone.

Then she handed the two small bags off to the first person on her left and then the bags continued around to everyone in the room. Each time one of the people in the group had them they would say what Keith and I attending the group had meant to him or her.

I will tell you this was one of the most special experiences I have ever been through in my life. I don’t know about most people out there but to sit there and have people say some pretty wonderful things about you and your spouse is an unbelievable experience.

Some talked about Keith. They would talk about how even though he did not talk that much, he was a quiet, gentle presence. He was honest with everyone and they could see how much he loved and cared about me. They could see the love he truly had for Mari and how it exuded from the inside out.

When some of them talked about me, they said thank you for my honestly. They talked about how I was very open about everything no matter how good or bad. I easily showed my emotions and was so honest with how I talked about everything. Some talked about how through my stories or me just talking that they felt like they were able to somewhat get to know Mari even though she is now gone.

Some also talked about my writing. I don’t know if most people truly know or even understand that I have never thought I was a good writer. I only started really writing when Mari got sick and I started her Care Page. These people talked about how much they truly love what I have been writing on Mari’s site. For some it touched their hearts so deeply. Others it helped them to get to know Mari a little more. For others they could feel the raw emotion in my writing. And still others felt the honesty in my writing by letting people in my world. I felt so touched by what everyone said and in how we have truly touched everyone’s lives there. I will really miss our group.

After everyone was done, Keith and I got to tell everyone what attending has meant to us and how all of them have truly touched our lives in such a profound way. Then we got to go to that coffee table and pick out one of the stones to take home with us. What is neat about these smooth stones is that each one had a word on it. The one I chose said Believe. Keith’s said Strength.

Overall the night was just so special and one I will not soon forget.

Paperwork Junkies

What, may you ask, is a “Paperwork Junky?” Well you might relate. It is those individuals who go out to check their mail, come back in the house and place it on the table (or where ever one might put their mail). It might get gone through right away or it might sit there and have other mail accumulate with it. If it gets gone through, the stuff that is obvious junk mail almost always gets thrown away. The other stuff more times than not will get put into a nice neat pile to get filed away for later. Or, you get paperwork from other locations (such as kid’s school documents, pet info, etc.) and you don’t want to deal with it right now so it also gets put to the side to deal with later. Then what ultimately happens is all these different piles of paperwork get put into a box to be gone through later to be put in their proper place. Then somehow the box gets put to the side and never gets gone through. Somehow, in the end, you have several boxes that all need to be gone through with paperwork after paperwork. So, are you a Paperwork Junky?

Let me proclaim, I AM A PAPERWORK JUNKY.

My husband and I also had what is called “Flat Surface Syndrome.” Have you ever heard of it? It is when you have a flat surface in your house, such as a table, end table, coffee table, desk, dresser, and the like, and it magically gets piled high with everything rather than getting put away where it belongs right away. I know that Keith and I are infamous for this syndrome. I know many people in our families also have this syndrome.

As I have been writing this today I have just been having this smile on my face as I sit and laugh at ourselves. The paperwork junky came about because Keith and I are getting ready to move down to Kentucky. When the Army comes in to move all of our stuff I want all the boxes of paperwork to have been gone through so that we do not take with us the things we don’t need and the other stuff gets put away where it belongs.

I wish I could say that I have overcome being a paperwork junky but I know that it will happen many more times in my life as life always has things that come up that are more important than going through paperwork all the time. But that is ok. As long as I am ok with it and Keith is ok with it that is all that matters.

If nothing else, I hope I have put a smile on your face today.

The dreaded deed has been done

It seems like recently everything has been going ok. I have been doing ok. We left on Thursday to go down to Ft. Knox, KY, because that is where Keith just received his order to report there in April. What we found out is that housing is of a valued commodity. We saw only 2 places, and those two may not even be available by the time we get down there. I guess it is what it is.

On the way back home on Saturday, Keith and I talked about how we need to seriously start thinking about getting a second vehicle (remember, he blew the engine in his car back in October). He started looking online Saturday night and found a used vehicle that he like for a little over six thousand dollars. The decided factor as to whether we seriously moved forward with buying another vehicle now or waiting until we got down to Ft. Knox, KY is how much money we got back on our tax return.

I was way too tired to start it that night so I went to bed. The next morning we headed off for church. We were home around 12 noon. I did not start it right away. Later that afternoon, I finally sat down, logged on to TurboTax.com and signed in with our username and password (I have used them for several years now). Our information immediately comes up. And guess who, for some reason, is still sitting there in black and white: Mariana. I did not know what to do. I thought last year that once I put in that date she passed away that Turbo Tax, in its infinite wisdom, would have deleted her off for this year. But I was completely wrong.

I asked Keith, “Do I delete Mariana off?” He said, “I don’t know.” So I went through their little walk through help, but that did not help me at all. So, I ultimately just deleted her off. It felt so strange to have to just “delete” her.

I was talking to a friend last night who was truly trying to help and said that it was just the taxes and that we did not delete her per say but we were just updating our tax returns. I told her no, that is not it at all. It is like we are deleting her out of our lives. It may be hard for some to understand but in doing that simple little act of deleting her off our return is like losing her again. It makes it so permanent. It is almost like letting her go all over again. I know that she has been gone for over a year and a half but it is times like these that I miss her so much.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you so much.

Love Mommy