Mariana: A Personality Exuded

Mariana is my 8½ year old little angel who may be as misunderstood as how her name is pronounced. Her name is not Mary-anne-a but instead Mari‑ē‑an‑na. For short, everyone calls her Mari. She may have a shortened nickname but she is anything but short on personality.

She can walk into a room and bring life to a stagnant crowd. The energy she exudes brings those around her back to a child like state. I often say, “If we could bottle up all her energy we might be able to light up an entire city.”

The first thing people notice is her eyes. She has engagingly wide-open Caribbean blue eyes. Just like the Caribbean’s vibrant blue clear waters where one can see to the bottom, when looking into Mari’s eyes it is as if you could see to the bottom of her animated, carefree soul. She has deep, dark, golden blond hair with a touch of sun kissed red hues throughout coming barely above her slender shoulders. She has the face of an angel whose halo gleams brightly. Her Snow White skin always feels so silky smooth to the touch. She has the waist of a model that has to have a belt to hold up her pants.

Mari has severe autism and due to this, she has many idiosyncrasies. First, she has an oral fixation where she constantly needs to chew on something or put something in her mouth. For example, her hands are like popsicles as she constantly licks them.

She also seems to live in her own little world where she can escape any time she chooses to. Her world must contain nothing but happiness as there is hardly a moment without a vibrant, vivacious smile implanted upon her angelic face. She can start laughing at a moment’s notice with what seems like nothing to those around her. However, she can real everyone into laughing with her. Her infectious laughter is like a football player when he scores the winning touchdown and the stadium cannot help but to erupt into elated cheers along with the player.

She has the deductive reasoning skills of an adult three times her age. However, her lack of safety awareness is the most disturbing and frightening of all. Her little determined, strong willed mind always finds a way to get onto the second floor, flat roof so she can do her laughing, dancing and singing back in her own little world, Mari’s world.

When she talks she has a sweet sounding voice like that of a heavenly angel. However, when she is either excited or not getting her way, she can let out these ear-piercing squeals at the top of her lungs. When she draws or writes she goes, “Aweeeeeeeee” in a long, drawn out way. Whenever she becomes excited her arms start to flap like she is ready for takeoff and to sore like an eagle around the room.

All of this is of an angel who left this earth prematurely for heaven back on July 16, 2008. One can only imagine that she is now in heaven finally able to fly with her arms as her wings while she exudes the personality of a saintly angel with all the love she can give to those around her.

(I am in a class to help me to become a better writer and my first assignment was to describe someone I knew. At first I was going to describe Keith and then decided who do I think about all the time, well Mari of course. I hope all of you like what I wrote. I hope that those of you who knew her and relate to what I wrote and to those of you who never were able to meet her I hope this helps you to get to know her a little bit better.)

Justing Sitting Here...

As I sit here, I am readily thinking of Mari this morning. I sit here with a smile on my face at how that little angel could uplift the lives of so many while at the same time I have a dog at my feet just whining to get up on my lap and have some attention.

It amazes me sometimes at how much my life has now changed from over a year ago. I was a stay at home mom taking care of a severely autistic child. My life was almost all consuming with making sure Mari was watched almost all the time as you did not know whether she would escape through a window somewhere in the house or would find the extra key I had hidden in the house to unlock the deadbolt to door so she could go play in her own little world outside.

I have always wondered what kind of world she had lived in. I think it must have been nice. It was like she could go away and escape everything that was around her. I think we all wish we had that ability sometimes to just escape the life around us for a little while. This is partly what made Mari so special. I can remember just watching her as she would just start to laugh at what seemed like to you absolutely nothing. I mean there was nothing she was playing with physically. She wasn’t watching anything on TV and she wasn’t doing anything but just sitting there. She could just laugh though. It was so neat to just watch her sometimes. I guess those are some of the things I truly miss the most. But to be able to look back on those memories at least puts a smile on my face while at the same time having me miss her all the more.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you so much.
Love Mommy

Thinking about Mari

I was just sitting here tonight thinking about Mari. Keith and I went to a new grief support group specifically for parents who have lost a child they were still raising, so the child they lost are under 18 for the most part.

It was nice to go to a group that for the first time truly understood what it was like to lose a child well before their time. Most of the children seemed to have died from a disease like cancer or a sudden death. Mari’s is still hard for me to classify as it was not sudden but it also did not last month’s either. But I guess the point is that it is nice to connect to other parents who have been either where I am now or that maybe, just maybe, I can be there for a parent who has yet to be where I am at now.

It seems that that first year without Mari there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. There just seemed to be utter darkness and I may have even been pretty severely depressed. But now the summer is over. Both of my nieces came out to visit this summer, at different times, but it was nice to have them here and having them here enabled me to be distracted from always thinking about Mari. It’s not that I didn’t think about here, because obviously I did. However, it was not as acute as before. And now that we have passed over the 1 year hump, the 1 year mark of her being gone (I hate to say anniversary as that always signifies to me haplessness and there is nothing happy about Mari being gone), I can honestly say that I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not cry like I used to. I still have moments. But they seem to be fewer and fewer. Yesterday I was doing my business and I was on the phone setting an appointment with a prospect when at the end of our conversation I ended up just starting to cry. I cried and cried and cried. I finally got ahold of a friend who just listened. It is times like these that I just miss her so much. But then I was able to pull myself back together and I was able to carry on with my day.

Tonight at our group, I just realized how truly happy and lucky I am to have Keith in my life. I realize that by no means do we grieve alike (in that area we are eons apart) but that is ok because we are there for each other in the ways the other one needs. Keith needs the physical side of things like cuddling and what not and I need the emotional like him coming to the group meeting tonight when I know he hates going to those kinds of things. I guess for us, it was a good thing that our marriage was as strong and solid as it was before Mari passed or I have a feelings that things would not be as good as they are right now. I mean, don’t get me wrong. We still have our fights and we can really get into it sometimes. But over all we are truly there for each other when it counts the most.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you so much.

Love Mommy

Time Keeps on Treking

It seems as though time continues to trek on. Time is a never ending cycle of both grief and happiness all rolled up into one.

A little over a year ago I lost the one thing most precious to me and that was my baby girl Mariana. Mari is always thought about and is always missed. For anyone who was fortunate enough to meet her their lives were forever imprinted and changed to have known her. She had such a special spirit about her. She had an infectious laugh where sometimes she would just start laughing and you had not clue what was so funny but what ever was playing in her mind it must have been a duzzie.

I can honestly say that, no I have not gotten over the loss of my daughter, I probably never will, but the pain is not so acute. Most of my days are no longer filled with tears and sadness. The hospital stay is not what is forefront on my mind. But those days still come.

Like two days ago I was looking for pictures to post on Facebook and I happen to run into the pictures I took of her while she was in the hospital. To know she is gone still hurts so much but I guess that is what time is truly for. No, IT DOES NOT HEAL ANYTHING. However, time does become what you need because as time continues to go by the pain will become less and less.

When it first happens you almost can’t breathe. You can see no light at the end of the tunnel and you feel utterly hopeless. But whether you like it or not time continue to trek on and you have gone through your first year without your precious child and time has given you what you thought was not possible: Some happiness back and the ability to be able to move on with your life (even though you may not want to as you will always want your child back).

I want to personally thank all of my family, friends and anyone else who may read this site for being so supportive over the past year.

I miss you baby girl and mommy loves you so very much.

Love Mommy