Stop and Think

I wish sometimes people would really think before they say something.

It seems like I hear more times than not, “She’s in a better place.” I wonder if people HONESTLY think this makes us feel better. Yes, logically they are right. But to be blunt, WHO CARES. I am human and selfish by nature. I want my daughter back. I want her right here. It does not matter than she is technically in a better place. I miss her so much and now there is a whole in my heart that will never heal. It will never become whole again.

A couple of days ago there was a contractor that came to our house to fix some things that needed to be corrected for the village home inspection for us to be able to rent and live in the house we rented. A long story short I told him about Mari. He of course was curious and asked some questions as to what happened. I told him an extremely abbreviated version of the story because as I am sure you can well imagine it is not an easy story to tell. Then he ACTUALLY asked this question: “Do you miss her?” I could not believe the stupidity of the question. I kind of snapped at him. I said, “You know what, that was a STUPID question. WHAT DO YOU THINK?” Then I just started to cry. I could not believe he even thought to ask that question. I definitely think he talked before he really thought about what he was about to ask. I felt bad afterwards and apologized several times for snapping at him. He told me that if he the same thing had happened to him he might have said even worse. He told me not to worry about it.

I hope that all of our family, friends and those that care know how much we so appreciate you being there for us. And please know that we know you guys care for us and have been there for us more than we could have ever even imagined. Just know that what we really need from everyone is to just be there for us and to just listen when we need to talk. We love you all.

The holidays...

Everyone talks about how the holidays are so hard that first year. I can honestly say that you just do not even look forward to them what so ever.

Thanksgiving is literally right around the corner; only three days away. When I think of Thanksgiving I always think about how you are supposed to be thankful for what has happened in your life in the last year.

I am sure there are things that I should be thankful for in the last year but they are so overshadowed by the obvious. How can I be thankful for anything when I have lost my beautiful little angel? It is hard for me to even say “I am thankful for ….” I just don’t feel very thankful. I mean, let me explain. I am grateful that I have Keith. He is my love. He is my life. He is the love of my life. He is my stability. He is the one that is there for me no matter what happens in this life. He loves me no matter what.

I know that I am grateful that we both of our families that are there for us. We have friends that are there for us. Keith Army family is there for us. They are working with Keith and being very understanding through everything. They are being patient with him as he is struggling through this oh so difficult time.

To so that I am thankful thought, I just can’t. To me being grateful is just not the same thing. So I do not look forward to Thanksgiving this year as Mari is not here. She is missing from our family.

I can remember her from just last year to where she would not eat anything from Thanks giving dinner. We had to feed her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich which was a daily feeding for her. I don’t think there were too many days that went by without her having at least one PB&J sandwich. It was a staple for her. There will be no PB&J served this year at Thanksgiving dinner. Just the usual. I will miss this so much. Something that used to drive me nuts because she literally had less than 10 items she would eat and yet I miss it so much now.

I think ultimately everything that I used to take for granted and would have been thankful for now if Mari could have stayed alive is now all replaced by how much I miss her and the things we used to do and give her. So now I am not thankful very often. However, I can be grateful for certain things.