T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.

Mari's 9th birthday was today

Today is Mari’s birthday, or at least it would have been. She would have turned 9 years old today. I think back to 9 years ago and how I had a very difficult time delivering her. She had an extremely hard time coming into this world. It seems like she has always been a fighter. She always fought for what SHE wanted. It did not matter what anyone else wanted.

Mari would have had such a good time today. All of her cousins from her daddy’s side were here today, her aunt’s and some of her uncles, and grandma and grandpa. We all celebrated her life together today. To remember her is so vital; it is so important.

It is hard to truly be thankful for things these days. If I had to try to find something I am thankful for I guess it would be that we do have Keith’s family right by us. We could be stationed in another state away from all family and friends that we know. It is hard for me to say I am thankful though. I mean, I know I am truly grateful for so much but it feels like when I say I am thankful then it feels in a way that I am thankful that she is gone, and of course, I am anything but. I miss her so much. Her birthday today is just so bitter sweet. It would have been another day that she would have gotten older while reminding ALL of us that she will never get older. She will always remain for the rest of all of our lives until the last person who knew her as our 8 ½ little girl that is so well missed.

My hope is that every year we have a celebration of her life party on the day that is her birthday. To celebrate her life is to always remember her and to always remember her is more important than almost anything else I could possible think about. We love you Mari and will see you soon.

Back from Hawaii

I sit here on our flight from Hawaii back to Chicago. It amazes me how quickly this past week and a half went by. We had Christmas in Hawaii. For the first time in my life I was not excited about the holiday so many people always love and cherish. For me, it is just a reminder of what I am missing and how much I miss her. I sit here on our flight just trying not to cry. The pain is so deep and still so fresh. I know it has been over 5 months yet it still feels like yesterday that we lost her. I know there are people out there right now that Keith and I know that are thinking we should be over it by now; that we need to go back to being our old selves. There is even one person who never met our daughter, was not here when she got sick or died and actually told one of us to go off to Hawaii, to relax, have a good time, but when we get back that the one of us needs to be the person he/she has heard so much about. What this person fails to realize is the day our daughter died, we died right along with her. The Keith and Kristena from before no longer exist. They left with our beloved Mariana. A new and very different Keith and Kristena have emerged. It is a Keith and Kristena that have an incredibly hard time with understanding how we have now been given the life we now have. We both have a hard time concentrating on even the simple everyday things that alone those that are incredibly important to us. I want everyone to understand that the Keith and Kristena from before no longer exist and to never expect them to come back. Don’t ever ask those two people to come back because they won’t. However, get to know the new us. We are different but we both are just as special as before, just different. The new us is a little sadder, a little wiser, and a little bit more realistic with what life hands us. To know us is to love us, and to love us is to accept us just the way we are.

Thank you to everyone for your understanding.

A tribute to Mariana

I created a memorial tribute page that I would like everyone to visit that is dedicated to Mariana. It is on a special website I found while looking for support while grieving for Mariana. Please let me know what you think of this tribute to Mari.

http://www.otrib.com/tributes/?6775

Time and How Precious It Really Is

I think about how time can be more precious than most really think about or even care to think about. Because if we think about how precious time really is we then begin to realize that it is not infinite. We only have a limited amount of time, each and everyone of us, here on this earth. When our time is up, it is up. There is no amount of begging or pleading that can keep us here or those that we love.

I can remember sitting in the hospital at the beginning of her getting sick and just thinking I hope she gets better soon. That lasted about 2 days. Then to watch our daughter go downhill as quickly as she did, it went from hoping she gets better, to I hope she just makes it through this and she is still alive.

Most of the days were incredibly difficult, but three days in particular were the worst. The first day was the day we found out she had had a stroke. No, she did not die, but she had a stroke at the age of eight. That did not even remotely seem possible. The second day would be the day I watched my daughter crashing in front of me due to a cerebral hemorrhage. At the time I did not even know what that was bit I will never forget these 7 words, “Get a crash cart, she is coding.” I think they are permanently tattooed in my head. The final, most difficult day of all was when we were told the little girl we had before no longer existed. That we basically had the shell of Mari left and she would never come back to us. That was the day we had to make a decision that would change our lives forever. To make a decision to permanently let your own child go is unthinkable and yet we had to do it this day. I mean, now could this be that just two weeks prior she was laughing, and dancing, and singing, and just being Mari to how letting her go permanently to never see her again. It’s inconceivable but the reality of it is we were having to make that decision anyway.

That age old saying of how “that won’t happen to me” or “that could never happen to me” got completely blown out of the water. It can happen to anyone. Those that it doesn’t happen to are just the lucky ones because if it does happen to you, then you know just how unlucky you really are as you have to deal with the loss for the rest of your life.

Please just remember time is precious. We all seem to get to the point where we take time for granted until something like this happens and then we live each day knowing that at any moment things could change. My hope is those that read this will be inspired to change the way they look at life and know that at any moment their lives can change either in a positive or a negative way and to just live each day to the fullest.

On our way to Hawaii

I sit on our flight to Hawaii and think about our beloved baby girl Mari who left us in July to go to heaven before her time. I know some people will say that it must have been her time because she is gone. In my heart, and my soul, and my mind it was not yet her time. Her time would have been after daddy and mommy were gone and not a day before.

Daddy and I are going to Hawaii today because of a dear, loving uncle of mine who gave to us hotel accommodations for a one bedroom condo for 11 days and 10 nights. He called us up about a month after she was gone and told me that he and my aunt had these accommodations and they would like to give us them. They both felt it would be good for us to get away together since we lost our only child. We thank them from the bottom of our hearts for what they have done for us.

It’s hard to probably imagine but we were not really looking forward to going once it was all said and done (yes, we know, HAWAII, they must be crazy!!) but in our minds it almost felt like such a high price to pay to be able to go. We would not be going if Mari was still here. I can’t imagine that we would have taken a family vacation with Mari entoe to Hawaii. It just would have been too hard. With her autism as severe as she had it made things incredibly difficult to almost next to impossible.

I asked Keith (my husband) why we never once took an actual family vacation together with the 3 of us while she was alive (and I think almost any can relate that visiting family does not count as a vacation, it is a visitation). The only other vacation that I have ever been on personally I found out I was pregnant with Mari two days before Keith and I, and his sister Amy left for Florida. He said that it just would have been too difficult. Visiting with family was hard; now let’s add an amusement park or something like that, yeah, just too hard. I really wish we had anyway though.

Keith and I are finally looking forward to getting away. There will be no family. There will be no friends. There are no work distractions. There are no school distractions. Just Keith and I together for 11 days and 10 nights. I think it will be perfect for us. We will be in Hawaii on Christmas and we will be coming back from Hawaii on December 29, which so happens would have been Mari’s 9th birthday.

On her birthday I came up with a neat idea. Since there obviously will not be a birthday part, I wanted to still come up with something to do on her birthday to remember her life by. I came up with the idea to have a “Celebration of Her Life” party instead. Obviously, no presents will be brought by the guests but we are going to make a trip out to her grave. Then we will come back to our house and we are still going to have cake and ice cream. We will have a time where everyone will recount a memory they have of Mari to share with everyone else. And then I will have a special surprise for everyone (can’t say now because it would ruin it for those that read my site and are coming). My hope and my dream is this will create a memory for people and to help everyone realize that it is still ok to talk about our beloved Mari.

Mari's Song

I wrote this the other day while sitting on our flight from Chicago to Honolulu. I wrote this song to the melody of this song:

I love you Lord
And I lift my voice
To worship you
Oh my soul rejoice
Take joy my King
In what You hear
May it be a sweet, sweet voice
In Your ear

This is my song to Mari called "Mari's Song":

I love you Mari
And I sing to you
I miss you now
And forever more
Take joy my daughter
In all that you do
May our love show you
That you are our everything

To love you Mari
Is to sing your praise
We all miss you now
And always
Take joy our angel
In all that you are
May your love show us
What love really is

We love you Mari
And we sing to you
To have you gone
Hurts today and always
The joy you bring
To our hearts and souls
May it love forever on
In the depths of our souls

A Poem to Mari

When I lie awake at night
All I do is think of you as my guiding light
You helped me to see
That my life became complete because of thee

To have known you
Is to have loved you
And to have loved you
Is to miss you

I can envision you looking down on me and daddy
And wanting to make sure that we are and will continue to be happy

I know you miss us as much as we miss you
And baby girl you will always be apart of our life no matter what we do

You are up there singing your songs
Probably laughing and dancing and at the top of your lungs

Your arms are like wings as you try to take flight
Because you are so excited by the beautiful awe inspiring sight

Please always remember there isn’t a day to go by without you in our thoughts and prayers
That it helps us to keep you close to us as we all go through our own grief layers

The memories are so dear
That we don’t live in fear
As our memories instead fill us with joy
As we think of you playing with a favorite toy

Daddy misses you
Mommy misses you
Everyone miss you too
Please think of us
Please watch over us
Please remember to do what you love to do

Praise You In This Storm

Casting Crowns is one of my favorite groups if not my favorite. What I like about this group is their words. They are not afraid to tell it like it is.

When my daughter passed away this past summer I had someone from our church sing this song. It was how we closed out her funeral service. This song says so much as to how Keith and I are feeling right now and will probably feel for some time to come. I hope these words mean as much to you as they have for us. I have also include a video I found that is below the lyrics.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the windYou heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns - Awesome video clips here

A Dedication to My Other Half

This is dedicated to the man I love with all of my heart.

I write this for the one man in my life that has shown me what love is supposed to look like. We have our good days and we definitely have our bad ones as well. We have times of happiness and times of trial. But mostly we just have each other.

The love we have for each other runs so deep, so strong it is hard to describe.

To trust him is like nothing else one could experience. I trust him fully. I know he will always be there for me. I know he will always take care of me. I know he will be exactly what I need him to be.

They say nothing in life is every perfect. I can say that is true to an extent. Where that statement is wrong is the two of us. I am not perfect and Keith is not perfect but the two of us are perfect for each other. I am so grateful that over 15 years ago he came into my life and now we have been married for almost 15 years.

To love someone this much just does not seem possible. How can one person love another as much as I love him and that I know he loves me. All I know is that we could not be getting through this difficult time without each other. God put us in each other’s lives those many years ago so that one day when we were to lose our daughter we could be there for each other. We both miss her so much.

I am so grateful for the love I have for this man. He is my other half. He is the one that helps me to be a better person. He is my everything.

I love you sweetheart forever and always.

A Dedication to Mariana

This video is a dedication to our daughter Mariana. It was created by a friend and it was played at her wake and before her funeral started. I wanted to share it with everyone because of how much it meant to Keith and I and our family. Please let us know what you think.