I miss Mari so much today. I'm not even sure why.

I talked with an old family friend I have known since I was probably about 4 or 5 years old today. She lost a son a couple of years ago so she knows what it is like to lose a child. She is a good person to talk to.

For some reason I keep thinking back to the Saturday, the day after her cerebral hemorage and cardiac arrest, and when the PICU attending told us it was the worst CT scan she had ever seen. How that day it felt like my world had fall out from under neath me. The nurse was a sweetheart that day. She asked if I wanted to lay beside Mari. I said yes. So she moved her over and I went to sleep beside her. That was the very last time I ever got to do that. I just keep thinking about this moment. How special it was to me and just how much I miss her.

We went to Midevil Times last night. It was so much fun. I just keep thinking how much Mari would have loved it and yet she will never be able to see it.

I talked to my grief counselor this past week about whether I should write on this website everyday. I have not been writing everyday because I did not want to sound redundant. She said that what will happen over time is my grief will change as will what I write in here. It will be like all of you are growing with my through my grief. I hope by me posting everyday it will help you to understand me better.

I love you Mari and I miss you so much.
Love Mommy

A friend of mine told me she comes to this website everyday to see what I have posted and is disappointed when there isn't anything. I am going to try something new. I want to try to post at least one thing a day just to let you all know how I am doing. Sometimes I will just tell you how my day went and other times I will write out something like I usually post. I hope everyone will like this. Please keep your comments coming as I love to hear feedback from those who care about me, Mari and Keith. We love all of you.

Today was both a good day and a hard day for me. Keith and I went to Midevil Times. I just kept thinking how much fun Mari would have had if she were still here. She would have loved to see the live horses, the hawk flying around the area, and the different things the knights were doing. On the way home I just got so sad. I started to think about her time in the hospital and just how much I missed her.