Time...

Why do people always seem to say that “time heals all wounds”. I think those people have never been through a real tragedy in their own lives. No matter how you look at it, time has always been here. Whether it is in our past, our present, or our future, time is always involved. Time has always been there through everything we have done or been through in our lives. Time is there in every moment we live each day. And time will continue it’s never ending cycle for the rest of our lives.

Let me be one of the first to say that time DOES NOT heal all wounds. Time does ANYTHING BUT heal all wounds. Time is meant to be a vehicle you take a ride on. In this vehicle it is takes you as fast or as slow as you need to go. For some it may be supersonic. For most of us it is like we are going the speed of turtle (remember the turtle is always the one that wins the race).

Time happens to be one of our most valuable resources; an incredible important asset in our lives. Time can give you something to look forward to and in the same breathe make you dread what is coming. Time is different for each individual and no two people’s time runs along the same timeline. Time for one individual is as different for another as each individual’s fingerprints define them.

So I would love to meet the individual who came up with the saying that “time heals all wounds.” I would love to tell them what time really does. Time is just that. It gives each and everyone one of us the time WE need to be able to deal with the grief in our lives. Think about it, do you honestly think that in TIME we will be completely healed from the loss in our life. Absolutely not. No possible way. How could this possible happen. Time becomes your friend because time helps you to be able to get to a place where you can live with the hurt and the pain on a day in and day out basis. In time the hurt will have subsided to a point where sometimes it will only feel like a dull ache and other times it will go back to hurting like hell.

We are all so glad we have time because if we didn’t could you imagine what it would be like to have to heal right on the spot from losing something or someone so special and dear to your heart. I know in time the loss of our precious little Angel will not be quite so acute but it will always be here. There will not be a day that goes by where I do not think about her. Time is and will continue to be my best friend because it is giving me the time I need to deal with the loss of our precious daughter Mariana.

I have a new saying for what time can do for me: Time is a vehicle that will one day bring me back to my little Angel. JUST TIME!!

Tomorrow...

Will tomorrow ever come? It feels as though it is far off in the distance. If tomorrow were to come there might be peace that could come to my heart. But tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow is only in my dreams. Tomorrow has sunshine. Tomorrow has the sun shining brightly and the Angel looking down on me. Tomorrow seems like a mystical creature of another world.

The reality is if tomorrow were here I would not feel this ache in the bottom of my stomach. If tomorrow were here I would not feel this pain from the depths of my heart that no one can reach other than my little Angel.

She is the one that brings me peace. She is the one that brings me joy. She is the one that brings happiness to me and those around me. She is the one that can make it sunny when it is rainy outside. She is my everything and I miss her greatly. Please come back to me soon my little Angel because your mommy is missing you.

Love your mommy forever.

We Miss Her So Much...

The loss of a child, how deep it must go. Are there really words to describe the utter despair one feels. It is as if our entire world has crumbled yet we are still supposed to go on living our day to day lives as if everything is the same. But it is not. Nothing will ever be the same. How are we supposed to face each day without our beloved little one that we have taken care of since the day he or she was born. Everyone tells us to just take it moment by moment or one day at a time and yet that almost seems too impossible to do.

Nothing in this world will ever bring our little Mari back. She is forever gone. Yes I know she is in heaven right now but she will forever be gone on this earth. Nothing can bring her back. No miracle. No magic potion. Just nothing. Every day starts a new day without our beloved Mari. Nothing can compare to the love I have for her and will forever have until we are united again.

I sit here with a pain that goes so deep only another parent who has lost a child can truly understand and no one else that wants to because the reality of losing a child is just too much too bear. The order is out of whack. It was not supposed to happen like this.

If someone loses a spouse they can get remarried. If someone loses a parent or grandparent, it is hard but we know deep down inside this is how the laws of nature are supposed to happen. But when it comes to a child, especially a young child or even a baby, it is just not supposed to happen like this. We are supposed to die before our children do.

The people in our lives change. They act different around you. No one really wants to talk to you because they do not know what to say. They are either afraid of hurting us further or simply saying something stupid. We are never treated the same. Us as the parents just wish life could go back to being what life was like before the loss, what seemed like at one point what was considered to be normal. Nothing is normal anymore.

Each day just continues to come as we are consumed with our grief. Some days are good and some days seem to be more than we can bare but we somehow manage to muddle through it.

Close friends or family try to give you suggestions on how to cope with your grief. They try to help you feel better by saying to remember the good times. To be thankful for what you have now. To not always think about the one you have lost. Yet this is not for everyone. For some this just does not help. I need to know that I still think about Mari. I need to know that I will never forget her. I need to remember both the good and the bad times. I need to not feel guilty because I am thankful for what is here. “I need” just seems to go on and on and on. Ultimately, we just need her back.

We got a kitty and a puppy. We got them to help with the emptiness and loneliness we feel without Mari here. Nothing can ever compare to that little angel being here but at least when I am at home all alone I have something here to keep me company. Our kitty will just come and jump up on the chair I am sitting so he can sit on my lap. He just wants a little cuddle time. Our puppy will hop up and down trying to get your attention because he wants “attention now please” and is impatient to get it. He seems to be a very needy dog but that is good for me. I need that in my life right now to feel utterly love and adored because the one that used to do that is forever gone.

She will forever be in my heart and my soul. Apart of my heart is forever gone. A piece of it is missing and there is no way to ever mend my broken heart. No matter how hard we try, a part of my heart is now forever gone up to heaven with Mari. One day I will be reunited with Mari and then my heart will be able to be whole again. No one knows that day but someday it will happen. I pray every day for that day. I go to bed everyone night hoping to wake up from the nightmare I have been living since the day she got sick and then the day she left us for heaven. I know that one day we will be reunited and our family will one day be complete again. From my heart to yours, Mari, mommy loves you and misses you.

Mommy