T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.

Mari's 9th birthday was today

Today is Mari’s birthday, or at least it would have been. She would have turned 9 years old today. I think back to 9 years ago and how I had a very difficult time delivering her. She had an extremely hard time coming into this world. It seems like she has always been a fighter. She always fought for what SHE wanted. It did not matter what anyone else wanted.

Mari would have had such a good time today. All of her cousins from her daddy’s side were here today, her aunt’s and some of her uncles, and grandma and grandpa. We all celebrated her life together today. To remember her is so vital; it is so important.

It is hard to truly be thankful for things these days. If I had to try to find something I am thankful for I guess it would be that we do have Keith’s family right by us. We could be stationed in another state away from all family and friends that we know. It is hard for me to say I am thankful though. I mean, I know I am truly grateful for so much but it feels like when I say I am thankful then it feels in a way that I am thankful that she is gone, and of course, I am anything but. I miss her so much. Her birthday today is just so bitter sweet. It would have been another day that she would have gotten older while reminding ALL of us that she will never get older. She will always remain for the rest of all of our lives until the last person who knew her as our 8 ½ little girl that is so well missed.

My hope is that every year we have a celebration of her life party on the day that is her birthday. To celebrate her life is to always remember her and to always remember her is more important than almost anything else I could possible think about. We love you Mari and will see you soon.

Back from Hawaii

I sit here on our flight from Hawaii back to Chicago. It amazes me how quickly this past week and a half went by. We had Christmas in Hawaii. For the first time in my life I was not excited about the holiday so many people always love and cherish. For me, it is just a reminder of what I am missing and how much I miss her. I sit here on our flight just trying not to cry. The pain is so deep and still so fresh. I know it has been over 5 months yet it still feels like yesterday that we lost her. I know there are people out there right now that Keith and I know that are thinking we should be over it by now; that we need to go back to being our old selves. There is even one person who never met our daughter, was not here when she got sick or died and actually told one of us to go off to Hawaii, to relax, have a good time, but when we get back that the one of us needs to be the person he/she has heard so much about. What this person fails to realize is the day our daughter died, we died right along with her. The Keith and Kristena from before no longer exist. They left with our beloved Mariana. A new and very different Keith and Kristena have emerged. It is a Keith and Kristena that have an incredibly hard time with understanding how we have now been given the life we now have. We both have a hard time concentrating on even the simple everyday things that alone those that are incredibly important to us. I want everyone to understand that the Keith and Kristena from before no longer exist and to never expect them to come back. Don’t ever ask those two people to come back because they won’t. However, get to know the new us. We are different but we both are just as special as before, just different. The new us is a little sadder, a little wiser, and a little bit more realistic with what life hands us. To know us is to love us, and to love us is to accept us just the way we are.

Thank you to everyone for your understanding.

A tribute to Mariana

I created a memorial tribute page that I would like everyone to visit that is dedicated to Mariana. It is on a special website I found while looking for support while grieving for Mariana. Please let me know what you think of this tribute to Mari.

http://www.otrib.com/tributes/?6775

Time and How Precious It Really Is

I think about how time can be more precious than most really think about or even care to think about. Because if we think about how precious time really is we then begin to realize that it is not infinite. We only have a limited amount of time, each and everyone of us, here on this earth. When our time is up, it is up. There is no amount of begging or pleading that can keep us here or those that we love.

I can remember sitting in the hospital at the beginning of her getting sick and just thinking I hope she gets better soon. That lasted about 2 days. Then to watch our daughter go downhill as quickly as she did, it went from hoping she gets better, to I hope she just makes it through this and she is still alive.

Most of the days were incredibly difficult, but three days in particular were the worst. The first day was the day we found out she had had a stroke. No, she did not die, but she had a stroke at the age of eight. That did not even remotely seem possible. The second day would be the day I watched my daughter crashing in front of me due to a cerebral hemorrhage. At the time I did not even know what that was bit I will never forget these 7 words, “Get a crash cart, she is coding.” I think they are permanently tattooed in my head. The final, most difficult day of all was when we were told the little girl we had before no longer existed. That we basically had the shell of Mari left and she would never come back to us. That was the day we had to make a decision that would change our lives forever. To make a decision to permanently let your own child go is unthinkable and yet we had to do it this day. I mean, now could this be that just two weeks prior she was laughing, and dancing, and singing, and just being Mari to how letting her go permanently to never see her again. It’s inconceivable but the reality of it is we were having to make that decision anyway.

That age old saying of how “that won’t happen to me” or “that could never happen to me” got completely blown out of the water. It can happen to anyone. Those that it doesn’t happen to are just the lucky ones because if it does happen to you, then you know just how unlucky you really are as you have to deal with the loss for the rest of your life.

Please just remember time is precious. We all seem to get to the point where we take time for granted until something like this happens and then we live each day knowing that at any moment things could change. My hope is those that read this will be inspired to change the way they look at life and know that at any moment their lives can change either in a positive or a negative way and to just live each day to the fullest.