Love The One Your With

Well, I sit here at home today by myself as Keith has left on his first trip for his new position today. He will only be gone until Thursday, another words 5 days and 4 nights. When you put it into overall perspective, that is really not that long considering he is in the Army and he could be being deployed instead and be gone for a year or two. But still, I hate it when he has to leave.

I am not one of those wives who actually looks forward to their husbands leaving for a few days or if he has been home on vacation days to where you just can’t want from him to go back to work. Personally, I love it when my husband has time off. I like having him home.

It is not that we even do all that much stuff when he is home. However, we are together and to me that is all that really matters. We are either watching one of our TV shows we like to watch or we are watching a Blu-Ray/DVD from our huge collection of movies. Or he is playing Bang-Bank Shoot-um Up (In other words: Modern Warfare 2: Call of Duty) as he likes to call it while I am watching one of my shows or playing on my computer. Or we might both just be sitting in bed reading a book. So it is not really about doing something together as much as it is just being together spending time together.

It seems like most people today if they have been married for any length of time that is just not the case. To me it is kind of amazing that after 16 years of marriage that we both feel the same way about each other. No, we are not delusional about each other as we can still drive each other nuts, but overall, we just love each other more than we could have ever imagined possible.

I can truly say without hesitation that Keith is the love of my life. The other thing I like to say is that even though there is not one person on this earth that is perfect, Keith and I are perfect for each other.

I guess you could say I am one lucky woman to have found the man of my dreams.

Just sitting here thinking

The last few days I have just been sitting here thinking about how I have come to truly love writing and then sharing it will all of you. It gives me a peace inside that I never knew it could bring me.

When I was growing up, school was very hard for me, especially english. I would say that english was my very hardest class and then history was next with trying to remember all those little factoids. I can remember right after I graduated high school and I started to attend the local community college, I took their placement test and I was placed into the lowest level english class they offered. I was three classes away from being even able to take English 101. I felt so dumb back then.

That semester I decided to go from the Army Reserves to go on active duty. I left for Ft. Hood, TX, on March 30, 1994. I did not attempt to go back to school from many years and even when I did I stayed away from English classes until I absolutely had to. I took my first college level English class in the fall of 98. I was attending Prairie State College in Chicago Heights, IL, at the time and when I took their placement test I was able to jump right into English 101. I am not sure how I learned enough to get into college level english class but it sure felt good.

The last english class I took was actually American Lit 2. I can truly say I throughly enjoyed that class and was even considering taking another english class just for fun. Talk about a total turn around.

It amazes me sometimes how ones life can change so much in such a short (or long) period of time.

Mari's Dress

I’ve spent the day trying to unpack the spare bedroom/office area. It is such time consuming work. Once in a while I run into something that was Mari’s. For the most part, all of her stuff was packed away and is in the storage unit we rented as our place is just too small to hold all of our stuff until we get on post housing.

I was just going through one of the boxes we had packed back up after the movers just half-assed put our stuff everywhere and was a big mess. As I was going through this box, there was a yellow three-prong folder and it said “Mariana” on the outside. So I decided to look inside. I already knew what the folder was but wanted to look anyway.

The folder was from the fall of 2004 while she was in school. It is mostly her artwork. There are a couple of pictures of her at school as well. When I have a chance I will scan the pictures in for everyone to see. I am so glad I have this kind of stuff but at the same time it makes me so sad. I made me miss her so much that the ache goes deep down in my heart.

I took the book, went to my room and laid it on our bed to be put away later. Then I went back into the other room and in the walk-in-closet is Mari’s long purple princess type dress I made for her for Keith’s sister Peggy’s wedding. I took the dress down and held it up like if Mari was still in it and just hugged it. I was trying to remember her being in it and how if she was still alive how far off the ground she would have been. It just reminded me of how incredibly little she really was and how incredibly missed she truly is now.

She would have turned 10 this past December yet she will always remain in everyone’s mind our 8½ little angel up in heaven. I still have a hard time understand why she is gone sometimes. I think every parent out there who has ever lost a child still thinks this no matter how long their child has been gone.

I realize that God works in mysterious ways and for whatever reason Mari’s time on this earth was done. It may not make sense to any of us but God understand more than all of us put together.

I still have to wonder why. Is it because of Mari’s severe autism and how she was becoming harder and harder to take care of everyday and Keith and I were not sure if we were going to be able to keep her safe from herself. I cannot remember how many times she either escaped out of the house to go on our roof or just go outside.

Or is it because God know she was very hard to deal with and it was becoming too much for Keith and I. I know we had no life outside of Mari but I would trade everything I have to have her back right now. However, maybe God felt that Keith and I were at a point to where we just could not take anymore. I don’t feel this way but only God knows.

Or was it because God needed me to be able to get through the loss of our beloved angel so that I could one day be there for other parents who have lost a child or other who have lost a loved one to let these people know that I truly understand what it means to lose someone you love with all your heart and soul.

Through my writing, I truly hope that I can touch many people’s lives and be there for those who are needed someone who is there to just listen or that my words can somehow help others out there. I know I want to write a book about Mari’s life. I would also love to talk to people at seminars or something like that to help others out there who need it.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you very much.

Love Mommy

Moving Time...

Well, the move is finally done. They pack up our house last month on the 14th, moved it out on the 15th, left for Kentucky on the 19th, ended up having an abscessed tooth from a root canal from over 4 or 5 years ago, had oral surgery on the 22nd, finally started looking for places to live on the 23rd, found a place to rent on the 28th and put deposit down, signed new lease on May 3, transportation delivered our stuff on the 6th, had massive asthma attack in middle of night on the 6th (technically the 7th) around 2am due to the fact the previous tenant and that he or she had smoked (supposedly the carpet had been professionally clean, YEAH RIGHT!!), and now we are finally at the 13th, exactly 1 month from where we started – man, can more stuff be packed into such a short of period of time. I guess I don’t want to find out (and I bet I am even missing a couple of things in there.

Well, as you can imagine, it had its ups and downs.

Something that happened during the move is I had specifically wrapped up Mari’s hand molds in bubble wrap (if needed) and put in a special box and even labeled “Mari’s hand molds”. I told the movers they were to not be packed with our stuff as Keith and I would be taking them with us. These are items that can never be replaced and are completely priceless. I gave them to Keith to put in the car and that was the last I saw of them. When Keith and I were packing up the car to come to Kentucky on the 19th, the box with the hand molds was completely missing. Keith guessed the movers must have packed them. I figured Keith had either lost them somehow or for some stupid reason the movers did exactly what I told them not to do and packed them anyway.

As you can imagine, I was just in tears over this. On the way down to Kentucky, the moving company calls to check in on everything. I told her that Mari’s hand molds are missing and we believe the movers packed them after we specifically told them not to. So she checked into in and asked the packers about it. They specifically remembered me telling Keith to put them in the car and they said that is where they went. So as you can imagine I am even more upset. We had been at a rest stop at the time. I had started to drive and then I had to pull over as I was just too upset.

So Keith called his mom and asked her to really look around her house for the molds as the packers were adamant we had them. Needless to say, mom never found them.

Well, when the moving company delivered our stuff, their idea of unpacking our house was literally just removing our stuff and making big piles everywhere. Nothing got put away AT ALL. It was such a HUGE mess. About a day or two later (as the management company for our townhome was having a professional cleaner coming in to clean the carpets) we started to get everything either back in boxes or in the files cabinets and low and behold at the bottom of the pile was the box with the hand molds. Imagine that, the stupid packers had packed it after all.

Keith and I opened the box and fortunately all three were ok. It was such a relief to know we had actually found them.

Mommy misses you with all of her heart and loves you very much.

I Died

The day I died is a day I will never forget

There was nothing but emptiness and what seemed like utter despair

It seemed to envelop me like a black cloud unable to see or breathe

No one knows how they will die or if they will ever get to live again

I did not know what to do as all I saw was the blackness around me

The day I died was the day a new person became born and took my place

Time seemed to stand still until one unexpected moment, one unexpected day

Something was off in the distance; I had to blink twice to make sure it was there

Could this be a small spec of light, the first light of my new birth, my new life

Yes it is, it brings forth a small ray of hope, a glimmer of anticipation for what lies ahead

As the days go by the light doesn’t seem to get bigger as it is growing ever so slowly

Then one day I notice the light has become bigger as it is no longer a small spec but rather a guiding light to take me on my new path, my new life

I start to feel alive again and like this life is worth living

The days go by and I have setbacks, but they become fewer and farther apart

The light is now brilliant and truly magnificent

It can be exactly what one needs in their life if they are willing to follow it