How am I supposed to live my life without her?

How am I supposed to live my life without her? How am I supposed to? I sit here in complete confusion as to how I am supposed to do this. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don’t understand. I just simply don’t understand. Mari is gone and yet I am still here. Mari is gone and yet I am just supposed to move on with my life. But Mari is gone. There is not an instruction manual on how to move on with your life once your one and only child is gone from it. I just don’t know how. I wish there was just some tried and true method that would just help you to get over your grief and despair but there isn’t. There is absolutely nothing else on the face of the planet, in this world, that can make this easier.

Time. Is time what is supposed to help me to heal? I seriously doubt it. Time has done nothing for me and I am sure it will continue to do nothing for me in the future. All time is doing is just having the days pass by. I guess you could say time is a stair case. It is a stair case that I climb each and every day. Sometimes the stairs are incredibly steep and narrow, and incredibly hard to climb. Whereas other days, the stairs are incredibly wide and almost flat. The steep and narrow stair days are the day I just don’t know how I am supposed to get through. They are the incredibly hard days or hard times, like what I am going through tonight just trying to go to sleep at 3 in the morning. The wide and flat days are my ok days. Those are the days I can put a smile on my face and not cry. Those are the days I am not thinking about Mari and how much I am missing her all the time. This stair case I am on is a climb I will be on until I die one day and the top of the stair is that day when I have finally reached the top where Mari is waiting for me at the very last stair. She is waiting there for me with open arms. But until that day I am incredibly sad.

It seems like almost every night I am thinking of my beautiful baby girl. Here lately it has been about her last few days on this earth, or the wake and/or the funeral. I just remember looking back at her funeral and realizing that I would never be able to see my little girl again. She is just gone. Yet I am still here to remember her while I am on this earth. How is this possible? It was just not supposed to happen this way. The order is so out of whack. No one is going to ever help me to understand why Mari was taken from me. NO ONE!!! It will never make sense. We try to make sense of loss like this, we as human beings, but there is nothing that makes sense when a mother (or a father) loses a child this early in life, or for that matter, the child dying before the parent does. NOTHING!!!

I sit here almost every night just wishing this was all a bad dream and that tomorrow morning I will be waking up and I will hear her sweet little voice singing in the monitor to wake me up like she had done for so many years. I miss that sweet little voice more than I ever thought humanly possible.

Tonight I sit here in my creative writing nonfiction class and I am having such a hard time concentrating. I just wish I had stayed home tonight instead of coming to class. I feel bad because I was not as prepared as I would normally have been. I had only fully read one of the two stories. I had only ready about the first third of the second story and about the last third. I briefly skimmed through the middle section. I felt totally unprepared when it came to the quiz tonight. He asked three questions from each story. I had the first three down without a problem because I had fully read the story. But that second one is what really had gotten me. The first question I got without a problem only because I felt fortunate enough that right before the quiz I had just flipped the middle part of the story and had read that part. But the second question, I just simply did not know. I didn’t know because I had not read that part. The third and final question I somewhat remember and I was glad I could get five out of the six correct. He only requires 5 correct questions when he asks these to get a 100%. I am just grateful for that.

In our class we are also supposed to workshop two students papers each week. Well, this week we were workshopping two of the professors papers. I felt terrible because I had not read his papers either. I sat here reading one of his essays but had not gotten to the other. When it came time to critique, of course the one I had not read yet is the one we were workshopping first. I was given grief over this but I said, “At least I did lie and say something about it when I had not read it.” I think being honest is more important than just worrying about saying something.

I am so glad this semester is almost over. I need it to be over. I have only class tomorrow, and then Monday and Wednesday of next week for my American Lit II class and my biology class, and then I only have one class left of creative writing after tonight. Then the following week is finals but I only have a final in American Lit class. I am just so glad this semester is basically done.