Just sitting here thinking

The last few days I have just been sitting here thinking about how I have come to truly love writing and then sharing it will all of you. It gives me a peace inside that I never knew it could bring me.

When I was growing up, school was very hard for me, especially english. I would say that english was my very hardest class and then history was next with trying to remember all those little factoids. I can remember right after I graduated high school and I started to attend the local community college, I took their placement test and I was placed into the lowest level english class they offered. I was three classes away from being even able to take English 101. I felt so dumb back then.

That semester I decided to go from the Army Reserves to go on active duty. I left for Ft. Hood, TX, on March 30, 1994. I did not attempt to go back to school from many years and even when I did I stayed away from English classes until I absolutely had to. I took my first college level English class in the fall of 98. I was attending Prairie State College in Chicago Heights, IL, at the time and when I took their placement test I was able to jump right into English 101. I am not sure how I learned enough to get into college level english class but it sure felt good.

The last english class I took was actually American Lit 2. I can truly say I throughly enjoyed that class and was even considering taking another english class just for fun. Talk about a total turn around.

It amazes me sometimes how ones life can change so much in such a short (or long) period of time.

Mari's Dress

I’ve spent the day trying to unpack the spare bedroom/office area. It is such time consuming work. Once in a while I run into something that was Mari’s. For the most part, all of her stuff was packed away and is in the storage unit we rented as our place is just too small to hold all of our stuff until we get on post housing.

I was just going through one of the boxes we had packed back up after the movers just half-assed put our stuff everywhere and was a big mess. As I was going through this box, there was a yellow three-prong folder and it said “Mariana” on the outside. So I decided to look inside. I already knew what the folder was but wanted to look anyway.

The folder was from the fall of 2004 while she was in school. It is mostly her artwork. There are a couple of pictures of her at school as well. When I have a chance I will scan the pictures in for everyone to see. I am so glad I have this kind of stuff but at the same time it makes me so sad. I made me miss her so much that the ache goes deep down in my heart.

I took the book, went to my room and laid it on our bed to be put away later. Then I went back into the other room and in the walk-in-closet is Mari’s long purple princess type dress I made for her for Keith’s sister Peggy’s wedding. I took the dress down and held it up like if Mari was still in it and just hugged it. I was trying to remember her being in it and how if she was still alive how far off the ground she would have been. It just reminded me of how incredibly little she really was and how incredibly missed she truly is now.

She would have turned 10 this past December yet she will always remain in everyone’s mind our 8½ little angel up in heaven. I still have a hard time understand why she is gone sometimes. I think every parent out there who has ever lost a child still thinks this no matter how long their child has been gone.

I realize that God works in mysterious ways and for whatever reason Mari’s time on this earth was done. It may not make sense to any of us but God understand more than all of us put together.

I still have to wonder why. Is it because of Mari’s severe autism and how she was becoming harder and harder to take care of everyday and Keith and I were not sure if we were going to be able to keep her safe from herself. I cannot remember how many times she either escaped out of the house to go on our roof or just go outside.

Or is it because God know she was very hard to deal with and it was becoming too much for Keith and I. I know we had no life outside of Mari but I would trade everything I have to have her back right now. However, maybe God felt that Keith and I were at a point to where we just could not take anymore. I don’t feel this way but only God knows.

Or was it because God needed me to be able to get through the loss of our beloved angel so that I could one day be there for other parents who have lost a child or other who have lost a loved one to let these people know that I truly understand what it means to lose someone you love with all your heart and soul.

Through my writing, I truly hope that I can touch many people’s lives and be there for those who are needed someone who is there to just listen or that my words can somehow help others out there. I know I want to write a book about Mari’s life. I would also love to talk to people at seminars or something like that to help others out there who need it.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you very much.

Love Mommy

Moving Time...

Well, the move is finally done. They pack up our house last month on the 14th, moved it out on the 15th, left for Kentucky on the 19th, ended up having an abscessed tooth from a root canal from over 4 or 5 years ago, had oral surgery on the 22nd, finally started looking for places to live on the 23rd, found a place to rent on the 28th and put deposit down, signed new lease on May 3, transportation delivered our stuff on the 6th, had massive asthma attack in middle of night on the 6th (technically the 7th) around 2am due to the fact the previous tenant and that he or she had smoked (supposedly the carpet had been professionally clean, YEAH RIGHT!!), and now we are finally at the 13th, exactly 1 month from where we started – man, can more stuff be packed into such a short of period of time. I guess I don’t want to find out (and I bet I am even missing a couple of things in there.

Well, as you can imagine, it had its ups and downs.

Something that happened during the move is I had specifically wrapped up Mari’s hand molds in bubble wrap (if needed) and put in a special box and even labeled “Mari’s hand molds”. I told the movers they were to not be packed with our stuff as Keith and I would be taking them with us. These are items that can never be replaced and are completely priceless. I gave them to Keith to put in the car and that was the last I saw of them. When Keith and I were packing up the car to come to Kentucky on the 19th, the box with the hand molds was completely missing. Keith guessed the movers must have packed them. I figured Keith had either lost them somehow or for some stupid reason the movers did exactly what I told them not to do and packed them anyway.

As you can imagine, I was just in tears over this. On the way down to Kentucky, the moving company calls to check in on everything. I told her that Mari’s hand molds are missing and we believe the movers packed them after we specifically told them not to. So she checked into in and asked the packers about it. They specifically remembered me telling Keith to put them in the car and they said that is where they went. So as you can imagine I am even more upset. We had been at a rest stop at the time. I had started to drive and then I had to pull over as I was just too upset.

So Keith called his mom and asked her to really look around her house for the molds as the packers were adamant we had them. Needless to say, mom never found them.

Well, when the moving company delivered our stuff, their idea of unpacking our house was literally just removing our stuff and making big piles everywhere. Nothing got put away AT ALL. It was such a HUGE mess. About a day or two later (as the management company for our townhome was having a professional cleaner coming in to clean the carpets) we started to get everything either back in boxes or in the files cabinets and low and behold at the bottom of the pile was the box with the hand molds. Imagine that, the stupid packers had packed it after all.

Keith and I opened the box and fortunately all three were ok. It was such a relief to know we had actually found them.

Mommy misses you with all of her heart and loves you very much.

I Died

The day I died is a day I will never forget

There was nothing but emptiness and what seemed like utter despair

It seemed to envelop me like a black cloud unable to see or breathe

No one knows how they will die or if they will ever get to live again

I did not know what to do as all I saw was the blackness around me

The day I died was the day a new person became born and took my place

Time seemed to stand still until one unexpected moment, one unexpected day

Something was off in the distance; I had to blink twice to make sure it was there

Could this be a small spec of light, the first light of my new birth, my new life

Yes it is, it brings forth a small ray of hope, a glimmer of anticipation for what lies ahead

As the days go by the light doesn’t seem to get bigger as it is growing ever so slowly

Then one day I notice the light has become bigger as it is no longer a small spec but rather a guiding light to take me on my new path, my new life

I start to feel alive again and like this life is worth living

The days go by and I have setbacks, but they become fewer and farther apart

The light is now brilliant and truly magnificent

It can be exactly what one needs in their life if they are willing to follow it

Changes

I sit here in our car as Keith and I are driving to DeKalb one last time before we move to Kentucky. I have nothing to write on at the moment so I took some brown napkins from my glove compartment to use instead (I guess they are not just for wiping your hands off after all).

Many things are happening right now in our lives. Many good-byes.

The other day we attended our last Parent-only grief group. It was definitely bitter-sweet. I can say without hesitation that this group is beyond special. It is a group of people who come together twice a month and yet all of us would agree that we wish we would have never met. Just like one of our pastors from our church in DeKalb had said at MarMar’s funeral, we are all now part of a very unique club. A club no one in their right mind would ever want to or voluntarily join yet every last one of us has been initiated into it kicking and screaming. The club is for those of us who are parents who have lost a child. So I am sure you now understand why I say that everyone in our grief group wishes we had never met because that means the child we were caring for and raising would still be alive and here.

However, because we were all thrust into this unbelievable nightmare we all live every day, I can also say how unbelievably grateful we all are to have each other as every last one of us understands how deep and lasting the pain truly goes.

This past Thursday night was our last group meeting before we leave for Kentucky. They had a very special ceremony in honor of our last time attending called a Rock Ceremony. In the room we meet in there was a coffee table with some flat, smooth stones laying there. I supposed they represented the ceremony we were getting ready to go through.

We had our normal group time. I always love this time because we all can talk about whatever is on our mind. It is a safe place to open up. That time obviously was shortened due to the ceremony but it was still nice.

Then we nicely transitioned into the ceremony. One of the people who leads the group started by talking about two stones, one each in a small, dark blue velour type draw sting bag. There were two bags, one for Keith and one for myself. She told us one stone was rough. It signifies how the loss of our child is one of the worst things to have occurred in our lives. It has been a rough and jagged time getting through since she died. The other stone was a smooth stone. Smooth stones are formed from places like river beds where year after year the water slowly but surely works on that rough rock to where one day it becomes smooth. It represents how the journey slowly but surely gets easier as time goes by and the hurt slowly heals to where we eventually, for the most part, are ok. So these stones thus symbolize our journey with the loss of Mari. No, we will never forget and we will still have those bad moments or days for the rest of our lives. However, it shows how our journey will eventually become smooth like the second stone.

Then she handed the two small bags off to the first person on her left and then the bags continued around to everyone in the room. Each time one of the people in the group had them they would say what Keith and I attending the group had meant to him or her.

I will tell you this was one of the most special experiences I have ever been through in my life. I don’t know about most people out there but to sit there and have people say some pretty wonderful things about you and your spouse is an unbelievable experience.

Some talked about Keith. They would talk about how even though he did not talk that much, he was a quiet, gentle presence. He was honest with everyone and they could see how much he loved and cared about me. They could see the love he truly had for Mari and how it exuded from the inside out.

When some of them talked about me, they said thank you for my honestly. They talked about how I was very open about everything no matter how good or bad. I easily showed my emotions and was so honest with how I talked about everything. Some talked about how through my stories or me just talking that they felt like they were able to somewhat get to know Mari even though she is now gone.

Some also talked about my writing. I don’t know if most people truly know or even understand that I have never thought I was a good writer. I only started really writing when Mari got sick and I started her Care Page. These people talked about how much they truly love what I have been writing on Mari’s site. For some it touched their hearts so deeply. Others it helped them to get to know Mari a little more. For others they could feel the raw emotion in my writing. And still others felt the honesty in my writing by letting people in my world. I felt so touched by what everyone said and in how we have truly touched everyone’s lives there. I will really miss our group.

After everyone was done, Keith and I got to tell everyone what attending has meant to us and how all of them have truly touched our lives in such a profound way. Then we got to go to that coffee table and pick out one of the stones to take home with us. What is neat about these smooth stones is that each one had a word on it. The one I chose said Believe. Keith’s said Strength.

Overall the night was just so special and one I will not soon forget.