Contemplating Christmas

(I actually wrote this in my notebook on December 17)

T'is the season of joy, happiness & love, or at least that is how it used to be.

Last year, what would have been our first Christmas without Mari, we got to escape and go to Hawaii. I did not have to deal with the glaring reality of Mari not being here.

Now this year has come. It is technically our 2nd Christmas season. But the reality is so different. This is like it is our first one without her instead.

It feels like ever since Thanksgiving Day I have been just getting by. Almost like a shell of a person who keeps pushing me through each day. Then yesterday came and now Mari is officially gone for 18 months. 18 months, it just does not seem real sometimes.

And now everyone is in the throes of Christmas. Holiday parties, cookie parties, get togethers, decorations, and what not. This used to be my most favorite time of the year. I couldn’t wait to pull out the Christmas tree and decorate it the day after Thanksgiving. I would decorate both the inside and the outside of the house. It just felt so festive.

With Mari, she was one of the most bought for children with presents under the tree. I would spend way more than I should on just one child but she was our only child. Some might say that I spoiled her. But I say you really can’t spoil a child with autism as they don’t understand being spoiled.

Christmas morning was just so magical. I can remember that last Christmas not even being able to put the presents under the tree because she had finally learned that opening presents brought her things she knows she wants.

We would go from one present to the next. Sometimes we would have to take away what she opened as she wanted to play with whatever she had. It was just so much fun to watch the little twinkle in her eye and the excitement on her face.

Now to think about decorating brings me utter sadness. To think about Mari opening her presents is now nothing but memories. Memories that are bitter-sweet but still just memories. We will never be able to add to our memories as Mari is gone.

So now I sit here just thinking of her trying to get by and through each day. Today I needed to find an empty notebook to write in. I found one and quickly skimmed through it to see if I could use it and I found something so completely unexpected. It was a notebook Mari had gotten into and I had gotten so mad at her at the time for doing it. She had drawn several pictures throughout this notebook. These are the types of things I have left of her. Just her drawings. The reality is I miss her so much and that makes me miss her all that much more.

I know that one day the missing won’t be as strong but for now it is quite acute.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.

Love, Mommy

The One

I sit here thinking
of the one not here,
the one not far from
my mind but ever present.

The one has a mind
like no one can fathom,
a mind all one's own
with no care in the world.

The mind can do
wondrous things,
to help us to cope
or simply get by.

However, the mind of the one
is all unique and blessed,
the one knows no wrong
or gets scared of the rest.

The one's fears are only
in the head of the one's dreams,
for this person may have seemed
to be unreal to those around.

The one is someone to follow,
to role your own life after,
as the one knows what
unconditional love is like no other.

How can we all learn
from the innocence of the one,
we'll never know in this lifetime
as the one is gone from this earth.

One day we’ll be reunited
and all happiness returned,
as we are living side by side
together for all eternity.

Again I start over by saying
I sit here thinking of the one not here,
the one not far from my mind
as SHE is ALWAYS ever present.

Bad Days They Come and Go

You know, I can sit here all month long and seem to be just fine. Then the 15th comes and something just seems to be just plain flat off. I can't seem to put my finger on it but it is just off. Then at some point during the day (or night) I realize the next day is the 16th.

Yesterday that happened to me again. The last 2 or 3 months I have been doing that. I cannot seem to figure out why I can't focus and then I realize the 16th was the next day, which is now today. Mari has been gone exactly 18 months or for a year and a half.

Then tomorrow will come and if it is like all the other 17th's I will be ok and back to focusing again.

I think I unconsciously try not to think about the 16th even though I know it's coming but ultimately doing this stops me from being able to concentrate on what's coming.

I have officially put the 15th and 16th in my calendar until July to make sure this does not happen again to where I feel blindsided. I figure, worst case scenario is I don't do anything 2 days out of the month. I don't think that is too bad.

Mommy loves you baby girl and she misses you very much.

Love, Mommy

Thanksgiving

(This was actually written on November 26, 2009, Thanksgiving Day, but I have not been able to post it before now.)

Thanksgiving is a day where families and loved ones come together to spend time with one another. It’s a day I do not look forward to.

I used to love this time of year. When anyone first arrives, everyone wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving. Most are genuine while some it’s just what you are supposed to say this day. Like last year, I will nod my head in acknowledgement but I won’t say it back. I feel that saying “it” would be ungenuine on my part and why say something you really don’t mean. Please don’t get me wrong. I love Keith’s family with all my heart; I just don’t feel thankful without having Mar-Mar here. This day makes me just miss her more.

The thing I personally loved the most about Thanksgiving in the past was making my homemade pies. I would make everything from scratch to the best of my ability, to include the best tasting pie crust. I have always loved to make pies since I made my first one as an adult. People tell me they taste great. But to make them for this day is a whole other ball of wax. It means I would be making them to say I was thankful for the day when I am not. So this year we went to Dominick’s and purchased Sara Lee frozen pies: 2 pumpkin, 1 apple, and 1 cherry. I’m sure they will be just fine but I certainly did not feel like making them.

If I had my way, we would not even be going. All I get to do is go over to Keith’s parent’s house and put a fake smile on my face all day. We won’t talk about Mari. I feel like if we talk about Mari, everyone thinks I will fall apart and break like a porcelain doll because I cry. Keith and his family do not like to show emotions. That’s how they were all raised. However, I was raised that crying is just something you do. I cry when I get angry. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m happy. I guess you could say it is how I show my emotions. Whereas I know Keith and his family are truly uncomfortable with that and become uncomfortable around those who do. You can’t fault them for this and this makes them who they are and I love every last one of them. But for me it means I have to put on my fake smile and pretend I am happy to be there when in reality I would rather just stay home for the day.

Now it comes down to eating dinner. Everyone gathers around the dining room table and says what they’re thankful for. Well, I HATE this part now. I HATE it with a passion. To say I am thankful is like I am saying I am “thankful” that Mari is gone. I tend to replace the word “thankful” with “grateful” instead. I know the word is a subtle difference but I can honestly say things I am grateful for. I have been able to say I am grateful I am still here and making it through without Mari being here with us. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. However, in no way shape or form am I thankful for that as I want Mari here with me instead. I hope I am making sense.

The rest of the day will consist of being around each other, talking and doing whatever. Personally, I can’t wait until we are back home again by ourselves and we still have a little over an hour before we even will get there.

So, personally, I will wish everyone a very Grateful day.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you so much.

Love, Mommy

T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.

(I wanted to repost this poem as it means so much to me. I have done some revisions since I had originally posted it. I think it made the poem better.)