Contemplating Christmas

(I actually wrote this in my notebook on December 17)

T'is the season of joy, happiness & love, or at least that is how it used to be.

Last year, what would have been our first Christmas without Mari, we got to escape and go to Hawaii. I did not have to deal with the glaring reality of Mari not being here.

Now this year has come. It is technically our 2nd Christmas season. But the reality is so different. This is like it is our first one without her instead.

It feels like ever since Thanksgiving Day I have been just getting by. Almost like a shell of a person who keeps pushing me through each day. Then yesterday came and now Mari is officially gone for 18 months. 18 months, it just does not seem real sometimes.

And now everyone is in the throes of Christmas. Holiday parties, cookie parties, get togethers, decorations, and what not. This used to be my most favorite time of the year. I couldn’t wait to pull out the Christmas tree and decorate it the day after Thanksgiving. I would decorate both the inside and the outside of the house. It just felt so festive.

With Mari, she was one of the most bought for children with presents under the tree. I would spend way more than I should on just one child but she was our only child. Some might say that I spoiled her. But I say you really can’t spoil a child with autism as they don’t understand being spoiled.

Christmas morning was just so magical. I can remember that last Christmas not even being able to put the presents under the tree because she had finally learned that opening presents brought her things she knows she wants.

We would go from one present to the next. Sometimes we would have to take away what she opened as she wanted to play with whatever she had. It was just so much fun to watch the little twinkle in her eye and the excitement on her face.

Now to think about decorating brings me utter sadness. To think about Mari opening her presents is now nothing but memories. Memories that are bitter-sweet but still just memories. We will never be able to add to our memories as Mari is gone.

So now I sit here just thinking of her trying to get by and through each day. Today I needed to find an empty notebook to write in. I found one and quickly skimmed through it to see if I could use it and I found something so completely unexpected. It was a notebook Mari had gotten into and I had gotten so mad at her at the time for doing it. She had drawn several pictures throughout this notebook. These are the types of things I have left of her. Just her drawings. The reality is I miss her so much and that makes me miss her all that much more.

I know that one day the missing won’t be as strong but for now it is quite acute.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.

Love, Mommy