It Happens At the Strangest Time

I am sure you all can imagine that Mari is never really far from my mind. Today is no different.

Most of you know by now that I have started working out again. I set my alarm for 5am this morning (yeah, that is the correct time) so I could be to the gym by 6:30am for my very first personal training session. My personal trainer is Jennifer. Man she kicked my booty this morning. So much so that she cut our session 7 minutes early as my body was completely worn out (man am I out of shape).

I was so sore after our session this morning. I then headed over to Wal-Mart and I pick up a heart beat session. It is one that is both a wrist watch type along with having a chest strap. It is pretty neat.

I was home by around 9am this morning. Keith was still in bed so I decided to go back to bed for a little while as I was completely worn out.

Later this afternoon around 5pm we went back to the gym. Keith had not worked out yet today so he needed to get his in too. Because my thighs were so tight from this morning’s workout I decided to get on the elliptical to see if it will help me with the soreness I was feeling.

The first few minutes I was not sure if I was going to be able to finish or not. But I stuck with it.

I have an iPhone and I have a lot of my music on the iPod on my phone. I put a playlist on when I started and just listened to the music as I was striding along.

Well, a song came on and I was really listening to the words. You know what I mean. It is not like you don’t know the song and you have probably listened to the song a hundred times or more but this time I was really listening to the words. The song I was listening too was Steven Curtis Chapman’s song called “Beauty Will Rise.” It really made me stop and think about my beloved Mari as this man truly knows what it is like to lose your own precious child as his own beloved Maria passed away only a month and a half before Mari on May 21, 2008.

It is amazing at how quickly one’s life can change. In just an instant Steven’s life changed just as mine did within two weeks and two days.

This is a man whom I have admired for quite some time for the beautiful music he has put out since I was in high school. It has such meaning behind each and every song he has written.

His last album is basically a compilation of song either about his beautiful little angel now in heaven or how he has gotten through this terrible time. Unfortunately I can say I know how it feels and what has been going through these last two years. (It amazes me how it has already almost been two years since Mari left this earth for heaven.)

Going back to the song I was talking about earlier, “Beauty Will Rise,” as this song is so beautiful and truly helps you to understand why the sadness and loss can hit you at the strangest times, I want to share the lyrics to this beautiful song with you:

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed till my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you
Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning

I can hear it in the distance
And it’s not too far away
It’s the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it’s time to make everything new
Make it all new
This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that’s been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He’s made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we’ll know the joy that’s coming in the morning, in the morning

Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise

Words and music by Steven Curtis Chapman

Memorial Day

As we approach Memorial Day many things come to mind but at the forefront of my mind is our beloved Mariana. No she never served in our nation’s Armed Forces but she had the privilege of being buried in the Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery. How might you ask is this possible if she was never a veteran as only veterans are allowed to be buried in a national cemetery or the veteran’s spouse. Well there is one loop hole that my husband Keith and I found out the hard way: You have a child that passes away and they get the privilege of being buried there if they are still your dependant (I believe under the age of 18).

Our daughter was only 8 ½ years old when she passed away. Who ever thought that a little bacteria could be so deadly. Not Keith and I. Well we found out the hardest way anyone could ever find out when our daughter contracted E-coli 0157:H7. No, technically the E-coli did not kill her but it is what the E-coli did to her little body that ultimately took her life (to read more about her story, click here).

But I am off track. Memorial Day is a day to remember those loved ones we have lost. In other words, to preserve the memory of them. To remember them always. This is a special day. I don’t think it is a day any of really want to have as this means we have lost a loved one. I know I don’t. I would much rather have MarMar here than just the memory of her and remembering how she used to be but that is all that is left are our memories.

All of us remember Mari somewhat the same but all of also remember her a bit differently from one another. Obviously for Keith and me she is at the forefront of our minds. The other spectrum is those that barely knew her but still remember her with such fondness. This is how she continues to live on in all of our lives. My true desire is that the light of Mari, the flame that she once had alive, will continue to live on for many years pass her short time on this earth.

We have a friend who was going out to the cemetery anyway and wanted to know if we would like her to put anything on her grave since Memorial Day is tomorrow. We were so grateful that she called and asked as Keith and I cannot go as we live too far away now. Here is a picture of the flowers and pinwheel that she put on her grave. The flag must have been put there by the cemetery as you can see there are flags in front of all the other cemetery markers as well.

Memorial Day is simply special as I know she will never be forgotten.

We miss you baby girl and Mommy loves you very much.

Love Mommy

Then it hits ya

Since moving here to Kentucky, I have fell in love with a program on the Style Channel. The program is called Clean House. If you have never seen it before, they take people who are clutter fanatics (and man there are some that are so nasty) and help them clean out the clutter, sell the stuff in a yard sale and then give them a makeover in the rooms they cleared out.

Well, they have a couple of shows that came from the original called Clean House: Search for the Messiest House in the Country and Clean House Comes Clean. Clean House Comes Clean is more of the outtakes and stuff they did not show in the original episode aired.

Well tonight I was watching the Comes Clean one and they had a baby episode one where there were parents who were expecting a new baby. The second couple in the episode ended up having a baby on July 16, 2008. I was completely taken aback. For those of you who don’t know, that is the EXACT day Mari passed away.


Over the years I think we all hear about how one life ends and another begins. Well, this was like a slap in the face. My baby girl’s life ended and this new little one’s started. I know that there are going to be many other babies that happened to be born on that day as well but this was a baby that was tangible. They even showed pictures of the new little one and then showed an updated with the baby now being about a year and a half old.

I was amazed I did not cry. It’s just strange how at any moment you can have something that brings it all back to the forefront.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.
Love Mommy

To Lose Weight or Not To Lose Weight: That is the Question

I am very disappointed in myself. When I weighed myself this evening I weighed 1XX (did you honestly think I would say how much I weigh, yeah right. LOL). I am so disappointed in myself and how I have slowly been gaining weight. In the last year I have put on another 10 pounds. That is a lot of gosh darn weight. If I keep at it I will be over 200 pounds in the next few years.


The one good thing I have going for me is I am 5’7” tall. When people look at me they notice I have thin arms and legs and even my face and neck look thin. However, my belly and my hips, not so much. I just wear the right kind of cloths so that I look think than I actually am. Most people tell me they think I weigh around 140 to 150 (boy wouldn’t that be nice). It is where I would like to be. But unfortunately I am much more than that.


Keith was gone on his first trip this last week to Houston. He got back late, late last night (around 2am this morning). He is as unhappy with his belly as I am. We both used to be such skinny people. Not nasty skinny where all you saw is our skin and bones. But healthy skinny.


I used to weigh around 130 to 135 pounds up until I was about 24 years old. I had gotten out of the Army about a year prior and Keith was getting ready to get out of the Army. I ended up taking an administrative assistant job. In other words, a job where you basically sit down all day. Talk about a dramatic change in routine. Over that next year I gained around 20 to 25 pounds. I went from a size 9/10 to a 16.


I of course don’t ever want to be that thin again as I don’t think it would be as healthy for me now. However, I would love to weigh around 140 to 145.


So, Keith and I are actually going to get up early on a Saturday morning and go to a cycling class together. It will be nice to work out with the man I love. I know when I went the other day it kicked my hinny. But you know what, it was a good kick in the hinny. Now Keith gets to experience that himself. At least when we go this time I will be prepared with my own seat cushion cover for the seat as my derrière still hurts from the cycle class on Wednesday.

Strength...

Strength: Where does it come from? Everyone always wants to tell me how strong I am for how I am today with dealing with the death of Mari. And I used to think the same thing when I saw a parent and how they were dealing with the death of a child. I would think to myself how incredibly strong that person must be to be dealing with the loss. The strength they have inside themselves must be so incredibly strong to be able to get through this incredibly hard time. I know I could never be that strong. I could never make it through the loss of a child.



AND THEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU!


I can honestly say I hate it when I hear how strong someone thinks I am. I have learned that it is not strength. I know some people will be in disagreement with me. However, only another parent who has lost a child will truly understand what I am about to say. It is not strength that gets you through. It is that you don’t have a choice. I mean, my child’s life has ended but I am still alive on this earth. I can either somehow learn to live my life without my child here or I kill myself. For most people, the latter is really not an option. For some reason our child’s life ended before ours. The order seems to be out of whack. Yet, we are still here as the parent and our child has passed away. So we learn to live a new life without them here. No, we may never truly understand why our child is gone but they are none the less. So it is not strength that gets us through but that we have no choice. We have to continue on with our lives. It is like we have died and a new person was reborn in our place.


It is a choice. I know there are some parents out there who felt that once their child died they had nothing to live for so they take their lives. I can honestly say that there were days where I wish God would just take my life early as I did not see how I could live without Mari here but I never wanted to take my own life. It did feel unbearable at times with the pain and grief going so incredibly deep. There were so many at first. Now they have become fewer and fewer being farther and farther apart. My life seems to have happiness in it again. I believe this is a good thing. It is hard to live life if you are always feeling sad and down.


I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.


Love Mommy