Paperwork Junkies

What, may you ask, is a “Paperwork Junky?” Well you might relate. It is those individuals who go out to check their mail, come back in the house and place it on the table (or where ever one might put their mail). It might get gone through right away or it might sit there and have other mail accumulate with it. If it gets gone through, the stuff that is obvious junk mail almost always gets thrown away. The other stuff more times than not will get put into a nice neat pile to get filed away for later. Or, you get paperwork from other locations (such as kid’s school documents, pet info, etc.) and you don’t want to deal with it right now so it also gets put to the side to deal with later. Then what ultimately happens is all these different piles of paperwork get put into a box to be gone through later to be put in their proper place. Then somehow the box gets put to the side and never gets gone through. Somehow, in the end, you have several boxes that all need to be gone through with paperwork after paperwork. So, are you a Paperwork Junky?

Let me proclaim, I AM A PAPERWORK JUNKY.

My husband and I also had what is called “Flat Surface Syndrome.” Have you ever heard of it? It is when you have a flat surface in your house, such as a table, end table, coffee table, desk, dresser, and the like, and it magically gets piled high with everything rather than getting put away where it belongs right away. I know that Keith and I are infamous for this syndrome. I know many people in our families also have this syndrome.

As I have been writing this today I have just been having this smile on my face as I sit and laugh at ourselves. The paperwork junky came about because Keith and I are getting ready to move down to Kentucky. When the Army comes in to move all of our stuff I want all the boxes of paperwork to have been gone through so that we do not take with us the things we don’t need and the other stuff gets put away where it belongs.

I wish I could say that I have overcome being a paperwork junky but I know that it will happen many more times in my life as life always has things that come up that are more important than going through paperwork all the time. But that is ok. As long as I am ok with it and Keith is ok with it that is all that matters.

If nothing else, I hope I have put a smile on your face today.

The dreaded deed has been done

It seems like recently everything has been going ok. I have been doing ok. We left on Thursday to go down to Ft. Knox, KY, because that is where Keith just received his order to report there in April. What we found out is that housing is of a valued commodity. We saw only 2 places, and those two may not even be available by the time we get down there. I guess it is what it is.

On the way back home on Saturday, Keith and I talked about how we need to seriously start thinking about getting a second vehicle (remember, he blew the engine in his car back in October). He started looking online Saturday night and found a used vehicle that he like for a little over six thousand dollars. The decided factor as to whether we seriously moved forward with buying another vehicle now or waiting until we got down to Ft. Knox, KY is how much money we got back on our tax return.

I was way too tired to start it that night so I went to bed. The next morning we headed off for church. We were home around 12 noon. I did not start it right away. Later that afternoon, I finally sat down, logged on to TurboTax.com and signed in with our username and password (I have used them for several years now). Our information immediately comes up. And guess who, for some reason, is still sitting there in black and white: Mariana. I did not know what to do. I thought last year that once I put in that date she passed away that Turbo Tax, in its infinite wisdom, would have deleted her off for this year. But I was completely wrong.

I asked Keith, “Do I delete Mariana off?” He said, “I don’t know.” So I went through their little walk through help, but that did not help me at all. So, I ultimately just deleted her off. It felt so strange to have to just “delete” her.

I was talking to a friend last night who was truly trying to help and said that it was just the taxes and that we did not delete her per say but we were just updating our tax returns. I told her no, that is not it at all. It is like we are deleting her out of our lives. It may be hard for some to understand but in doing that simple little act of deleting her off our return is like losing her again. It makes it so permanent. It is almost like letting her go all over again. I know that she has been gone for over a year and a half but it is times like these that I miss her so much.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you so much.

Love Mommy

It's that time of year again...

It’s that time of year again. That time of year everyone dreads yet some look forward to. What time of year is it you may ask? Well it is TAX TIME.

For most people this is just a time of year that is required by our federal government to report how much money we have made during the year and to try to find as many deductions as the IRS will allow to either pay the least amount of money possible, or, for those that are lucky, a refund.

Every year I would start getting all my documents together in January so that by the time February 1st came along I could immediately start working on them to get our refund back as quickly as possible. I used to love doing our taxes. I used to love the fact we would get a nice refund back every year. It was like a little savings account set aside for us.

However, this no longer applies for me. Last year will probably have been the most difficult of all. Last year when we filed our return I had to tell the IRS that Mari had passed away. Do you know how difficult that was to say that your one and only child is now gone. You actually have to report to the IRS the day she passed away. If you think about it, nothing is truly sacred to the government. But in a way, it was like it truly became official. Last year I waited until almost the last possible second to file. I simply did not want to do it at all.

This year is a little better. I am still not looking forward to doing it. When you go to fill out your forms, she is no longer sitting as a dependent. It is just Keith and I. It is put in black and white to show that she is no longer a part of our family, as far as the IRS is concerned. Sometimes it just makes it all too real.

Last year we almost had to pay instead of receiving a refund. We have not had to do that in years. Since the year Mari was born. Sometimes reality is just ugly. But we keep moving forward. I am sure that as time continues to move forward it will get easier and easier with each passing year. But for now, I simply do not look forward to it. (Beside, who in their right mind truly LOVES doing their taxes.)

That Empty Spot

Have you ever wondered if something really existed or was it just in your mind? Something that seemed to be so real but then one day you wake up and it’s like it never was. That’s how I kind of feel sometimes.

My new computer has Windows 7 and one of the new features with this operating system is how you can set up your computer’s desktop. I decided to have mine kind of like a slideshow. A new picture gets displayed every 10 minutes. All of the ones I have chosen are of Mari.

Well, one of the ones that came up today, I was looking at it. It is hard to believe how she is just not here anymore. It almost feels like she was only a figment of my imagination. Or it’s like is she really gone. It just does not seem real sometimes.

But in the end she really is. The emptiness is still there. There will always be this empty spot in my heart where she used to fill it. It will remain empty because she can never come back. It’s like there is this missing void.

I know as time continues on the emptiness will become smaller and smaller to the point of barely noticing it. The point is it will always remain and in those rare instances rear its head to show me that that spot she once held is no longer filled.

In the end everything will be as it is intended. No, I have no clue what that is yet, but that is what time is for.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you so much.

Love Mommy

Talking from the heart...

Today I sit here thinking about how life can turn out so differently than you could have expected.

Keith and I went to church this morning like we have started to do on a more regular basis since the Sunday before Thanksgiving. We decided to just try Sunday School since I have not been able to handle going to church service at that point. That very first Sunday going to our brand new class I broke down and told everyone about Mari. It is the Sunday before Thanksgiving so you can imagine what the topic is about: What is everyone most thankful for. Well, needless to say, this is not an easy topic for me anymore.

Since that Sunday, Keith and I try to make it to the Sunday School class every week. There have been Sunday’s we have missed but for us we have been pretty consistent with going.

For the last few weeks I have wanted to try going to church service again but Keith was not quite ready to go yet. He just needed a little bit more time. I completely understand that so we continued to just go to Sunday School.

Today was different. We had a friend from our class approach us and ask for us to stay for service. I think she must think about us and thought it would be good for us to attend. She talked to Keith about it and so we decided to stay. Even before she had approached me I was going to talk to Keith about staying because the outline in the bulletin for today’s service looked like it would be a good one to listen to.

We went and chose our seats and waited for the service to start. When the service starts, as in every church I have been too, there is singing for either hymn or praise songs. This service was no different. They sing the song I have always loved to sing in the past and singing just means so much to me every since I can remember being in my high school youth group. It used to bring me such joy and happiness. It meant so much and I would sing it truly from my heart that sometimes it could bring tears to my eyes.

But now the singing seems to just bring me sadness and sobbing. I can no longer sing any more like I used to as I almost always cry now. So I have made a choice to just be quite and listen instead. But today I could not even do that. I had to leave the sanctuary and I went to the restroom. Keith had a nice woman find me in the bathroom as he was worried about me. She told me about this room where I could wait in instead. So I sat in there until the singing was done and went back into the sanctuary until the service was over.

Well, we are now a part of an impact group that meets every other Sunday night. It is a great time of worship and togetherness. Keith and I really enjoy going to the group. Today was a little different though. There was a guy who talked and then he handed out a sheet of paper for the song everyone was to sing. I was only able to sit in that room for about a minute or so and then I had to head to the bathroom. I just started to cry. I finally got it under control and decided to sit in there until the group was done singing.

I guess you can say I am not quite ready to start singing again. Like everything else that has happened thus far, this too will take time. Time. That age old thing that we can never escape from because no matter what we do, time will continue to click on whether we want it to or not. But it’s that time that helps us to eventually get to where we need to be and are headed from here until eternity.