The days, months, and years to come

I sit here wondering what life has in store for me in the days, months, and years to come. Just two years ago at this same time, I knew Keith, my husband, and I had a life of taking care of a severely autistic child that within the next few years would more than likely have to be put into some kind of home for her own safety. She was getting harder and harder to take care of and she kept escaping out of our house. We knew we did not want to do this but we knew that the way things were going we would have no choice. However, that decision suddenly became a non-issue when she suddenly became sick a year and a half ago and she passed away.

So what once was a life constantly challenged by someone with autism whom we all loved more than I think any one of us could have imagined is now a life with freedom to do anything I choose. What I do know is that if Mari had never gotten sick and then ultimately pass away from something that I think still baffles everyone of us, is I would have never started writing. The journal entries I made into her CarePage online was that first step towards something I had no idea I would truly enjoy and love doing a year and half later.

I know there will always be critics and I know that I will never please everyone who reads either what I write or post. But that is ok. This is not for anyone else other than myself. However, if my writing can touch someone else’s life in either a positive way or somehow helps them, I can say that is just an added blessing.

I’ve started thinking about how my writing can do more for others. When Mari passed away, I went to the bookstore to try to find a book about how to get through my grief. First of all, I never found a book on someone dealing with the loss of someone who died suddenly. On top of that, it seems like all the ones I found where about guidelines on loss and how to deal with it but there were not books from others who just told there story and how they got through it. I may not have grieved in the same way as the person who was writing but I would more than likely have been able to relate. So what I would like to do is write a book that can be about this. Whether anyone ever reads it or not I know that it will be very therapeutic for me. It will just be an added bonus if it can help someone else out there.

To Feel Lucky...

What happens after 16 years of marriage? Is it still wedded bliss or is it a nightmare you cannot wait to get out of. Well if you are lucky, it will be as close to wedded bliss as the two of you can be. What I mean by wedded bliss is not that when you first start going out and everything feels so fresh and new and you just feel so owey goowey with each other or even that first year of marriage where you can tell the couple is newlyweds. I am talking about how after 16 years of marriage that you still talk about your spouse in a good way, especially when he or she is not around to hear it. How after you have gotten into a huge argument and you are able to talk through it so you are ok again. How when you talk to someone new about your spouse that sometimes he or she will ask you if you are newlyweds because it seems like most people today that if they have been married over 5 years you rarely hear someone talk about his or her spouse in a good way or that he or she seem to just tolerate his or her spouse.

This is how Keith and I are with each other. We can honestly say without hesitation that we love each other. No we are not in the infatuation where you can barely see any faults with the other person love nor do we still have on our rose colored glasses that seem to be put on for that first few years of marriage to where it seems like the other person is just so perfect. No, we are at a point that our love is what most people call being truly IN love with one another. Not sort of love, not in lust, but truly IN love with each other.

To know that in 34 years from now Keith and I will still be together for our 50 anniversary is something that just makes me smile from the inside out. I thank the Lord everyday that Keith was put into my live over 16 years ago and that we made a decision to be together for all eternity. He truly is the love of my life.

There are many things that make a marriage work. One is trust. One is communication. If you have one but not the other, it will be almost impossible to make your marriage work. Some people do but it is not an easy road and you probably feel miserable inside. When you have both of those, marriage has something else that is just as important as well. What is so important you might ask. Well it is compromise. Marriage is all about compromise and accepting your other half just the way he or she is. Sometimes compromise is not meeting in the middle either. There are going to be many times where you may have to come more than half way but in the end it works because you have made your other half happy. And sometimes you will get frustrated because you feel you have to come more than half way way too often. I guess when you love each other, in the end, it is all worth it because you know you are with the one person whom you love more than anything else in the world and just want to make him or her happy.

This is how Keith and I are all the time. And it seems like Keith is always the one who comes more than halfway. I can be such a stubborn pigheaded mule sometimes. I can become so rigid about it. Quite frankly I think I would drive most men nuts. But Keith just accepts me just the way I am. He loves me no matter what. We get into huge arguments but in the end we always make up and know how much we love one another. I guess one of the best ways I can describe Keith as is that he is one of the few people I know to come as close to having the patience of Job. As for me, I feel like I am the complete opposite. I feel like I am about as patient as a kid on Christmas Eve having to wait those few hours until Christmas morning before I get to open my presents. I lose my patience so easily. Yet Keith just takes it. I am sure it’s not that he wants to but he is just so patient with my impatience. Sometimes we get into a fight over it but he is almost always the one that shows his patience and is able to calm the situation down.

You know when people say opposites attract, I think we broke the mold. There are so many things we are completely opposite on yet I think that’s how we ultimately complement each other and why we work. I can say without hesitation that he is truly the love of my life and I feel lucky he has chosen to be with me and put up with all my shenanigans.

16 Years of Wedded Bliss, Could Anyone Ask For Anything More

It has been interesting how this past week has gone for me. I started to get really sick towards the end of the Super Bowl on Sunday. The rest of the week I guess can be best explained as feeling just BLAH. I feel like I am finally on the mend.

During this time I have implanted myself up on my couch all week. Then I decided to move all of Mari’s website to a new provider. My hope is that I will be able to get better exposure to get Mari’s memory out there better. I want her to live on in all of our minds.

As I was transferring all of the stuff I have written over the past year and a half, it was interesting to re-read some of what I have written in the past. For the most part, it seems like I have written mostly sad related stuff. But there are those few entries where I was positive and upbeat or I wrote a poem in dedication to her. I guess I am just grateful to have this outlet and that I can share it with all of you.

It seems hard to believe that we are already halfway through the month of February. A new year has start yet once again. As a matter of fact, in just 6 short days, Keith and I will be celebrating our 16 year anniversary. I look back at the 16 years we have been together and it amazes me how we have made it where as many marriages out there today would have been divorced 10 times over.

We both met while we were active duty in the Army. Right there that should tell you we were already headed down a hard road as the military is a stressor in and of itself and then you add marriage. Then add in the fact that I had a severe abuse happen to me as a child and the end result is utter confusion on my part only a little over 2 years into our marriage. During that time we separated and almost got a divorce. Fortunately, we were able to make it through that incredibly hard time and we became stronger as a couple because of it.

We then moved to Illinois where we found out that we might never have children the ol’ natural way. We were blessed almost 6 years into our marriage to finally have a baby girl by the name of Mariana.

By the time Mari was just barely 2 years old we all started to realized that something was not quite right with Mari’s development. And by the age of 3 we found out that she had severe autism. By this time Keith had also decided to go back active duty and be a part of the AGR (active guard/reserve) and become a recruiter.

He worked ridiculous hours. Sometimes having to leave at 4 in the morning and getting home many night at 10, 11, or 12 o’clock at night. We hardly saw him during the first few years other than on the weekends and when a holiday would come around and he would get a 4 day weekend.

With all of this that had been through at us we were still strong and had such a good marriage.

Then all of a sudden our lives forever change when our one and only child, the one we like to call our miracle baby, suddenly became ill from E. coli and passed away after 2 weeks and 2 days. I guess you could say that losing a child is probably the hardest, if not the hardest, thing any marriage will have to go through (and to top everything off both of you grieve completely opposite than the other).

Through it all, Keith and I are still together and are completely there for each other. I know I could never imagine being with any other many than this man that I love with all of my heart. And I can say without a shade of doubt that he feels the same way in return. I feel so fortunate that we have each other and that no matter what else is thrown at us we will be ok. He is truly the love of my live and my soul mate.

That Hideous Doctrine by John Thomas

I wanted to share this with everyone. It was given to me while my husband and I were taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University at our church over 2 years ago. I just recently found my copy of it and wanted to share it with all of you.

From Moody Monthly/September 1985

That hideous doctrine of hell is fading. How often have you thought of it in the past month, for instance? Does it make a difference in your concern for others, in your witness? Is it a constant and proper burden?

Most believers would have to say no. But the individual isn’t the only one to blame. After all, the doctrine no longer gets its float in the church parade; it has become a museum piece at best stored in the shadows of a far corner.

The reality of hell, however, demands we haul the monstrous thing out again and study it until it changes us. Ugly, garish, and familiar as it is, this doctrine will indeed have a daily, practical, and personal effect on every believer who comes to terms with its force.

Our Lord’s words on the subject are unnerving. In Luke 16, He tells us of a rich man who died and went to Hades (the abode of the unsaved dead between death and final judgment). From that story and a few other revelatory facts, we can infer several characteristics of hell.

First it’s a place of great physical pain. The rich man’s initial remark concludes with his most pressing concern: "I am in agony in this flame" (Luke 16:24). We do not make enough of this.

We all have experienced pain to some degree. We know it can make a mockery of all life’s goals and beauties. Yet we do not seem to know pain as a hint of hell, a searing foretaste of what will befall those who do not know Christ, a grim reminder of what we will be spared from.

God does not leave us with simply the mute fact of hell’s physical pain. He tells us how real people will respond to that pain. Our Lord is not being macabre; He is simply telling us the truth.

First, there will be "weeping" (Luke 13:28). Weeping is not something we get a grip on; it is something that grips us.

Recall how you were affected when you last heard someone weep. Remember how you were moved with compassion to want to protect and restore that person? The Lord wants us to know and consider what an upsetting experience it is for the person in hell.

Another response will be "wailing" (Matt. 13:42). While weeping attracts our sympathy, wailing frightens and offends us. It is the pitiable bawl of a soul seeking escape, hurt beyond repair, eternally damaged. A wail is sound gone grotesque because of conclusions we can’t live with.

A third response will be "gnashing of teeth" (Luke 13:28). Why? Perhaps because of anger or frustrations. It may be a defense against crying out or an intense pause when one is too weary to cry any longer.

Hell has two other aspects, rarely considered, which are both curious and frightening. On earth we take for granted two physical properties that help keep us physically, mentally, and emotionally stable. The first is light; the second is solid, fixed surfaces. Oddly, these two dependables will not accommodate those in hell.

Hell is a place of darkness (Matt. 8:12). Imagine the person who has just entered hell — a neighbor, relative, co-worker, friend. After a roar of physical pain blasts him, he spends his first moments wailing and gnashing his teeth. But after a season, he grows accustomed to the pain, not that it’s become tolerable, but that his capacity for it has enlarged to comprehend it, yet not be consumed by it. Though he hurts, he is now able to think, and he instinctively looks about him. But as he looks, he sees only blackness.

In his past life he learned that if he looked long enough, a glow of light somewhere would yield definition to his surroundings. So he blinks and strains to focus his eyes, but his efforts yield only blackness. He turns and strains his eyes in another direction. He waits. He sees nothing but unyielding black ink. It clings to him, smothering and oppressing him.

Realizing that the darkness is not going to give way, he nervously begins to feel for something solid to get his bearings. He reaches for walls or rocks or trees or chairs; he stretches his legs to feel the ground and touches nothing.

Hell is a "bottomless pit" (Rev. 20:1,2 KJV); however, the new occupant is slow to learn. In growing panic, he kicks his feet and waves his arms. He stretches and he lunges. But he finds nothing. After more feverish tries, he pauses from exhaustion, suspended in black. Suddenly, with a scream he kicks, twists, and lunges until he is again too exhausted to move.

He hangs there, alone with his pain. Unable to touch a solid object or see a solitary thing, he begins to weep.

His sobs choke through the darkness. They become weak, then lost in hell’s roar.

As time passes, he begins to do what the rich man did — he again starts to think. His first thoughts are of hope. You see, he still thinks as he did on earth, where he kept himself alive with hope. When things got bad, he always found a way out. If he felt pain, he took medicine. If he were hungry; he ate food. If he lost love, there was more love to be found.

So he casts about in his mind for a plan to apply to the hope building in his chest.

Of course, he thinks, Jesus, the God of love, can get me out of this.

He cries out with a surge, "Jesus! Jesus! You were right! Help me! Get me out of this!"

He waits, breathing hard with desperation. The sound of his voice slips into the darkness and is lost.

He tries again. "I believe, Jesus! I believe now! Save me from this!" Again the darkness smothers his words.

Our sinner is not unique. Everyone in hell believes.

When he wearies of appeals, he does next what anyone would do —assesses his situation and attempts to adapt. But then it hits him — this is forever.

Jesus made it very clear. He used the same words for "forever" to describe both heaven and hell.

Forever, he thinks, and his mind labors through the blackness until he aches.

"Forever!" he whispers in wonder. The idea deepens, widens, and towers over him.

The awful truth spreads before him like endless, overlapping slats: When I put in ten thousand centuries of time here, I will not have accomplished one thing. I will not have one second less to spend here.

As the rich man pleaded for a drop of water, so, too, our new occupant entertains a similar ambition. In life he learned that even bad things could be tolerated if one could find temporary relief. Perhaps even hell, if one could rest from time to time, would be more tolerable.

He learns, though, that "the smoke of [his] torment goes up forever and ever; and [he has] no rest day and night" (Rev. 14:11 NASB).

No rest day and night — think of that.

Thoughts of this happening to people we know, people like us, are too terrifying to entertain for long. The idea of allowing someone to endure such torture for eternity violates the sensibilities of even the most severe judge among us. We simply cannot bear it.

But our thoughts of hell will never be as unmanageable as its reality. We must take this doctrine of hell, therefore, and make sure we are practically affected by it.

A hard look at this doctrine should first change our view of sin. Most believers do not take sin as seriously as God does. We need to realize that in His actual plan, sin deserves eternal punishment in hell.

We can actually learn, by comparison, to hate sin as God hates it. As the reality of hell violates and offends us, for example, so sin violates and offends God. As we cannot bear to look upon the horrors of hell, so God cannot bear to look upon the horrors of sin. As hell revolts us to the point of hatred for it, so also God finds sin revolting. The comparison is not perfect, but it offers a start.

Second, the truth of hell should encourage our witness. Can we ever hear a sigh of weariness, see a moment of doubt, or feel pain without being reminded of that place? In all honesty, can we see any unbeliever, watch his petty human activities, realize what he has in store, and not be moved with compassion? It encourages us to witness in word and in deed.

That hideous doctrine may grip our souls in dark terror and make us weep, but let us be sure it also prompts us to holiness and compassion.

I know the first time I read this all I could think was, "Thank the Lord I am a believer."

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.
Love Mommy

Touching Souls Bereavement Photography

If anyone can support this cause, it would mean the world to me.  To find out why, please read what I have typed in below and my reasonings after:

 "At the heart of it all, what matters most is:
Who has touched our lives and Whose lives we've touched.

"Touching Souls Photography, supporting parents whose babies or children die, relies entirely on donations and gifts from individuals and organizations.  Donated dolars are used to support direct expenses for the photographs made for families.  Photographs taken during this precious time with aprents and family become valuable mementos, serving as a gentle link to memories and feelings about their beleoved child.  The collection of photographs, presetned reverently in an album at no charge to the family, is theirs to keep.  The expense for this supportive service is approsimately $750 per family.

"Thanks to a partnership with MISS Foundations, a national non-profit whose mission is to support families after the death of a child, Touching Souls Photography is available to any family in need through tax-deductible contributions.  Any gift amount is welcome and will help to provide this gift of photographs for a family at a time of great need.  Make a donation to support families throughout Chicago and it's suburbs:

"Online: www.toddhochberg.com and click on make a donation.

"By mail: Send a check payable to MISS Foundation,
PO Box 5511, Evanston, IL 60204

"Or for more information, email funding@toddhochberg.com"

Keith and I just met with Todd today.  It has been almost 18 months since Mari passed.  January 16th will be exactly 18 months (which is this coming Saturday).  This man gave of his services almost 18 months ago and took those last photographs with our beloved angel on her last day here on this earth with us.  Yes, I know this was not really hear.  However, it was the last time that any of us got to spend anytime with her before she went to heaven.

When I set and finalized the appointment last Tuesday, and then hung up the phone, it took me only a couple of seconds to realized what I had really just done.  I had scheduled this special time to go see Mari's last day photos with us.  It took all of about 3 or 4 seconds and I just broke down crying.  I could not believe that in less than a week I would be seeing them.  There was a couple of times over the last week I wanted to cancel the appointment.  But something inside me said, "No, I need to see them."  So I kept the appointment.  Today at 2pm (central time) Keith and I met at a friends house (Mandy K., as she was nice enough to open her home to us so we could meet the photographer today).  She left us to be alone with this photographer.

Yes I cried, but the overall dread of seeing the photos was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  To know now that I have these photos of her is even more special to me than I could have ever imagined.  To put it in this perspective.  Imagine taking the one person you love the very most in all the world.  Now know you only have one day left with them on this earth and you will never see them again until you die some day.  That could be the next day or it could be 50 years from now or even more.  Now you have someone out of the kindsness of their heart who has given of their time to be able to take those last moments you have with that loved one.  You will have them until the day you die.  You won't look at them all the time but you can look at them when you need to.  I guess this is the best way to describe these photos and what they mean to me.

He will be sending me a CD of the pictures soon.  When he does I will put the photos in a PowerPoint presentation to share with all of you.  In the mean time I will post a couple at the end of this post.

The reason I am sharing all of this with you is if you feel lead in your heart to donate, please contribute to this cause.  Even if it is only $5, that $5 will mean the world to another family out their as they too will now have their own last minute photos of their own precious loved one, their beloved son or daughter.

I thank anyone in advance.  If you do make a donation, please do it in Mariana Tunstall's name as a rememberance for her.  Thank you.

I love you very much baby girl and mommy's miss you so much.

Love Mommy

Getting Ready to Give Her Her Final Bath

Washing Her Hair One Last Time

Mommy hold her hand

Mommy painting her fingernails for the first and last time

Mommy holding her while daddy looks on as she gets her hair done

4 y/o Cousin Faith reading the book she make for MarMar

Grandma and Grandpa T saying their final good-byes, with Daddy by their side

Aunt Amanda saying good-bye, Mommy hold her lock of hair

Her Wonder Pets friends keeping watch over her

Uncle Dave, Aunt Amanda, Aunt Peggy, Aunt Amy, and Uncle Ruben having their last moments

Mommy beyond herself with Daddy by her side as they are slowly taking her off life support with the PICU Chaplain Gretchen by our side

Gretchen praying

Daddy beside himself as he holds her hand

"We love you Baby Girl"

She is no longer on life support and now we are just holding each other as a family

I am completely numb as she is slipping in my arms

Daddy wispering how very much he loves her