T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.

(I wanted to repost this poem as it means so much to me. I have done some revisions since I had originally posted it. I think it made the poem better.)

The Unexpected Journey

The sudden darkness that hit her was like an overwhelming force of nature and seemed to envelope her all at once. Suddenly off in the distance there appeared what looked like a speck of light. It drew her in as if calling her by name saying, “Ariella, follow the light. It will guide you on your new path.” So she did. As she went, she soared through the air like a majestic eagle.

The light grew bright and more vivid as she drew near. It started to reveal what looked like a giant white door with solid gold trim. Her approach to the door was quite timid. Her uncertainty was written upon her Snow White face. Somewhere deep within her the bravery appeared. She said, “No matter what’s behind that door, I will be ok.”

Her delicate hand was shaking as she lifted her arm. She put it on the golden door handle and turned it ever so gently, so timidly, uncertain what the outcome would reveal until it could no longer rotate. She was as timid as a church mouse peeking his nose through a hole in the wall as she slowly pushed the overpowering door before her. At first, she knew the door would be impossible to budge but soon found out, with much relief, that it was as light as a feather. Even though the door could be easily opened, she did it with slow uncertainty. Then suddenly the door was flung open, like a hurricane type wind had taken over; although there was no evidence even a breeze had been present.

The brightness that came crashing through the open door took her by surprise. At first she had to cover her eyes by the overwhelming brightness. Something within her, maybe curiosity or plain flat fear, had her slowly peek through her fingers like a child who wants to have a quick peek at what mommy and daddy are surprising her with.

At first, she could see nothing, as all was too bright. She slowly removed her hand and her eyes started to adjust to what lie before her. As far as her memory would allow, she had never seen a sight as beautiful and awe inspiring as this.

The path that lies before her was made of gold brick pavers with sterling silver grout. Every building she saw was made of bronze, silver, and gold and all the trees had an abundance of fruit. It seemed as though there was a plethora of everything a person could ever need or want. In other words, this place looked perfect.

What she noticed next were the people. At first it seemed odd yet pleasantly surprising. Everyone was happy. No anger. No sadness. No frustration. No fear. Just utter contentment. She had never seen this before. It somehow warmed her and made her feel at home. Yet through all of this, something felt off, like something was missing.

Then off in the distance she noticed a figure that seemed to be floating her way. At first, she could not tell who or what it was, but as it got closer, the figure appeared to be a woman. She did not have wings but seemed to be soaring through the air. Ariella took a moment to look around and saw that everyone seemed to be floating or flying around her. Some had wings while others did not. She also noticed there were no children. Not one single child was present. She thought this seemed strange but disregarded it for now.

When Ariella looked back towards the woman, she was now standing in front of her. Ariella did not know how she knew this woman but somehow she did. The woman started to speak, “Ariella, I am so happy to finally be able to meet you for the first time. I have been watching over you since the day you were conceived. I know you don’t know me as we have never met but I am your Great-Granny, your mother’s grandmother. You may call me Granny. I have loved you since the day God blessed your Mommy and Daddy with giving you life. I am here now to welcome you to Heaven.”

To Ariella’s surprise, she fell into her Granny’s arms. She had such relief fall over her. Suddenly, sadness grabbed her. It became written upon her face and her body became tense. Granny stepped back as she could feel the change within her.

“Ariella, what is wrong? I can see and feel your sadness.”

“Granny, where am I at? Where is my Mommy and Daddy? Why aren’t they here with me? I miss them so much.”

“Sweetheart, you died down on Earth and have now become alive and reborn up in heaven. You live here now with your Heavenly Father.”

“What do you mean I died?!?!” And then it hit Ariella like a ton of bricks. She had suddenly become ill from a mysterious illness. She remembers her Mommy and Daddy being there by her side the entire time. Then in a sudden flash she sees her Mommy holding her tight as she sobbingly cries and her Daddy with his arm around her as well. Her Mommy whispers in her ear, “Mommy and Daddy will be ok. It’s ok to leave. We will miss you so much. Know that we love you but it is ok to go. We will be reunited someday soon.” Her Mommy continued to hold her until she took her final breathe. Her next memory is seeing the light bringing her to the door of heaven. Her sudden realization that she would never see her Mommy and Daddy again brought about a deep sense of loss and despair and was written upon her face.

Granny took one look at her and understood Ariella’s realization and said, “Sweetheart, don’t be sad. You will be only temporarily separated from your Mommy and Daddy. In what will seem like only an instant in heaven, you will one day be reunited again as this is not forever but only as a short separation here in eternity.”

With that, Ariella gave Granny a great big hug. She had such relief wash over her and said, “Thank you.”

Suddenly Granny knew what would help her to feel better and said, “Ariella, I want to take you some place special. I go there at least once a day if not more often. It is a place that brings me utter joy and happiness and I know it will do the same thing for you as well.” Ariella could feel the excitement rush through her veins as she anxiously followed her Granny to where she was taking her.

As they started to proceed forward, Ariella realized for the first time that she no longer walked but soared about a foot above the ground. She then realized not a single sole in heaven walked. Those with wings flew and those without soared like she was doing.

She stopped and asked Granny, “Why am I not walking? Why is everyone soaring through the air?”

“Sweetheart, no one walks once they come to heaven. Those with wings are God’s angels who have been here watching over us since the beginning of time. All of those without wings have died down on Earth and have been reborn again up here in heaven with their new heavenly body. Would you like to see what you look like now that you are in heaven?”

Ariella was unsure if she did but her curiosity got the better of her and she said, “Yes I would.”

So with the snap of Granny’s fingers, a full length mirror appeared in front of Ariella. She was shocked by what she saw.

“Granny, is this really me?!?!”

“Yes, sweetie it is. You are no longer eight years old but are now all grown up. You’ve probably noticed there are no children up here in Heaven. When a child dies on Earth, they are reborn in the adult body they would have grown into. You no longer have autism but are now perfect up here in heaven. There is no more disease or disabilities. Everyone is perfect in their heavenly body.” Ariella was so amazed and grateful to God for allowing her this new heavenly body. She wished she could thank Him in person.

In an instant, a man with a divine glow appeared before her. Somehow this did not frighten her and she became instantly at peace. The man started to speak. “Welcome Ariella. I am Jesus. I wanted to tell you how very proud I am of you. I have loved you since the beginning of time as you are one of my cherished children. I love you my child and I have always wanted the best for you.

“I am sorry that your time on Earth may have seemed short. Just know you filled your purpose there. One day soon you will be reunited with your Mommy and Daddy. For now, I still have much planned for them and they are not done with their purpose yet. Know they will always love you and miss you very much while the three of you are apart. Thank you for loving me and welcome to your new eternal heavenly home.” He reached out and gave Ariella a hug and a kiss on her forehead. Then, just as quickly as he had appeared, he disappeared as well.

“Wasn’t that the neatest experience you’ve ever had being able to meet our Lord and Savior?” said Granny.

“Oh my, yes it was. I never truly understood who Jesus was because of my autism. I am so thankful he understands not everyone can get to know Him while on Earth but allows us to get to know Him up here in heaven.

“Granny, will you please take me to that special place you were talking about now?”

“Well, since you said ‘please’,” with a small mischievous twinkle in her eye.

They quickly soared through the air to a place that somehow had Ariella’s name above it. It seemed to be so empty yet completely full at the same time. There were no other angels or spirits around her. Just what looked like big fluffy clouds that were flat in the front.

“Ariella, what is your greatest hope, your greatest desire?”

“Well, to be with my Mommy and Daddy again,” said Ariella.

And just like that, what looked like a movie started to play in front of her on those clouds. It was her Mommy and Daddy. They were sitting at home holding each other. This was the very night Ariella had passed away. Mommy was sobbing while Daddy had stunned shock written upon his face.

“Granny, what is this?” asked Ariella as she was sad to see her parents this way.

“This is your special place where you can come and watch over your Mommy and Daddy. You can come here as often as you want to. I have one too. We all have one up here in heaven to look in on our own loved ones we left behind on Earth.

“Think of this as being a way to guide, protect, and watch over your loved ones from far away. Not that we can change their course in life as only God can do that. However, it is a way to send them encouragement and let them know we are somehow watching over them until you are all reunited again.”

Ariella rushed over to Granny and gave her a hug. “Thank you Granny. This is better than I ever could have imagined.”

“Sweetheart, you are more than welcome, but I am not the one to thank. It is our Heavenly Father who has done this for us. Know that I am here for you if you ever need me.” Then in an instant, Granny too had gone. She was now all alone in her own special place.

She looked back at her parents and then floated over to the clouds. To Ariella’s amazement it was like she was able to touch them for real. She decided to spread her arms out and put them around her Mommy and Daddy to send them a big hug. She also whispered to them these special words:

"Mommy and Daddy, I love you both so much. I know that you miss me and wish I was still there with you. I wish that too. Just know I am in heaven and have my own special place. I am going to watch over you constantly sending you my love. In those sad moments just look up to heaven as I am here taking care of you until we can be reunited again. I will love you always. Your Baby Girl."

With all of that said, Ariella released her heavenly hug and stepped back. What she immediately noticed was her Mommy had quit crying and they appeared suddenly at peace.

“Honey did you just feel that? It was like Ariella just gave us a hug. It’s like she is watching over us,” said Mommy.

Daddy said, “Yeah, I can’t believe you felt that too. It was simply unbelievable.

“Baby Girl, we just know you’re up there watching over us. Know how much we love you and miss you.”

Ariella lifted her head and said, “Father in Heaven, thank you so much for everything.” For the first time in her life, she knew God had heard her. She went on watching her parents, taking care of them until they could be reunited again.

The End

(This my next assignment written for my class. I had to create a fictional story. I hope that everyone enjoys it.)

Mariana: A Personality Exuded

Mariana is my 8½ year old little angel who may be as misunderstood as how her name is pronounced. Her name is not Mary-anne-a but instead Mari‑ē‑an‑na. For short, everyone calls her Mari. She may have a shortened nickname but she is anything but short on personality.

She can walk into a room and bring life to a stagnant crowd. The energy she exudes brings those around her back to a child like state. I often say, “If we could bottle up all her energy we might be able to light up an entire city.”

The first thing people notice is her eyes. She has engagingly wide-open Caribbean blue eyes. Just like the Caribbean’s vibrant blue clear waters where one can see to the bottom, when looking into Mari’s eyes it is as if you could see to the bottom of her animated, carefree soul. She has deep, dark, golden blond hair with a touch of sun kissed red hues throughout coming barely above her slender shoulders. She has the face of an angel whose halo gleams brightly. Her Snow White skin always feels so silky smooth to the touch. She has the waist of a model that has to have a belt to hold up her pants.

Mari has severe autism and due to this, she has many idiosyncrasies. First, she has an oral fixation where she constantly needs to chew on something or put something in her mouth. For example, her hands are like popsicles as she constantly licks them.

She also seems to live in her own little world where she can escape any time she chooses to. Her world must contain nothing but happiness as there is hardly a moment without a vibrant, vivacious smile implanted upon her angelic face. She can start laughing at a moment’s notice with what seems like nothing to those around her. However, she can real everyone into laughing with her. Her infectious laughter is like a football player when he scores the winning touchdown and the stadium cannot help but to erupt into elated cheers along with the player.

She has the deductive reasoning skills of an adult three times her age. However, her lack of safety awareness is the most disturbing and frightening of all. Her little determined, strong willed mind always finds a way to get onto the second floor, flat roof so she can do her laughing, dancing and singing back in her own little world, Mari’s world.

When she talks she has a sweet sounding voice like that of a heavenly angel. However, when she is either excited or not getting her way, she can let out these ear-piercing squeals at the top of her lungs. When she draws or writes she goes, “Aweeeeeeeee” in a long, drawn out way. Whenever she becomes excited her arms start to flap like she is ready for takeoff and to sore like an eagle around the room.

All of this is of an angel who left this earth prematurely for heaven back on July 16, 2008. One can only imagine that she is now in heaven finally able to fly with her arms as her wings while she exudes the personality of a saintly angel with all the love she can give to those around her.

(I am in a class to help me to become a better writer and my first assignment was to describe someone I knew. At first I was going to describe Keith and then decided who do I think about all the time, well Mari of course. I hope all of you like what I wrote. I hope that those of you who knew her and relate to what I wrote and to those of you who never were able to meet her I hope this helps you to get to know her a little bit better.)

Justing Sitting Here...

As I sit here, I am readily thinking of Mari this morning. I sit here with a smile on my face at how that little angel could uplift the lives of so many while at the same time I have a dog at my feet just whining to get up on my lap and have some attention.

It amazes me sometimes at how much my life has now changed from over a year ago. I was a stay at home mom taking care of a severely autistic child. My life was almost all consuming with making sure Mari was watched almost all the time as you did not know whether she would escape through a window somewhere in the house or would find the extra key I had hidden in the house to unlock the deadbolt to door so she could go play in her own little world outside.

I have always wondered what kind of world she had lived in. I think it must have been nice. It was like she could go away and escape everything that was around her. I think we all wish we had that ability sometimes to just escape the life around us for a little while. This is partly what made Mari so special. I can remember just watching her as she would just start to laugh at what seemed like to you absolutely nothing. I mean there was nothing she was playing with physically. She wasn’t watching anything on TV and she wasn’t doing anything but just sitting there. She could just laugh though. It was so neat to just watch her sometimes. I guess those are some of the things I truly miss the most. But to be able to look back on those memories at least puts a smile on my face while at the same time having me miss her all the more.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you so much.
Love Mommy

Thinking about Mari

I was just sitting here tonight thinking about Mari. Keith and I went to a new grief support group specifically for parents who have lost a child they were still raising, so the child they lost are under 18 for the most part.

It was nice to go to a group that for the first time truly understood what it was like to lose a child well before their time. Most of the children seemed to have died from a disease like cancer or a sudden death. Mari’s is still hard for me to classify as it was not sudden but it also did not last month’s either. But I guess the point is that it is nice to connect to other parents who have been either where I am now or that maybe, just maybe, I can be there for a parent who has yet to be where I am at now.

It seems that that first year without Mari there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. There just seemed to be utter darkness and I may have even been pretty severely depressed. But now the summer is over. Both of my nieces came out to visit this summer, at different times, but it was nice to have them here and having them here enabled me to be distracted from always thinking about Mari. It’s not that I didn’t think about here, because obviously I did. However, it was not as acute as before. And now that we have passed over the 1 year hump, the 1 year mark of her being gone (I hate to say anniversary as that always signifies to me haplessness and there is nothing happy about Mari being gone), I can honestly say that I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not cry like I used to. I still have moments. But they seem to be fewer and fewer. Yesterday I was doing my business and I was on the phone setting an appointment with a prospect when at the end of our conversation I ended up just starting to cry. I cried and cried and cried. I finally got ahold of a friend who just listened. It is times like these that I just miss her so much. But then I was able to pull myself back together and I was able to carry on with my day.

Tonight at our group, I just realized how truly happy and lucky I am to have Keith in my life. I realize that by no means do we grieve alike (in that area we are eons apart) but that is ok because we are there for each other in the ways the other one needs. Keith needs the physical side of things like cuddling and what not and I need the emotional like him coming to the group meeting tonight when I know he hates going to those kinds of things. I guess for us, it was a good thing that our marriage was as strong and solid as it was before Mari passed or I have a feelings that things would not be as good as they are right now. I mean, don’t get me wrong. We still have our fights and we can really get into it sometimes. But over all we are truly there for each other when it counts the most.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you so much.

Love Mommy