Justing Sitting Here...

As I sit here, I am readily thinking of Mari this morning. I sit here with a smile on my face at how that little angel could uplift the lives of so many while at the same time I have a dog at my feet just whining to get up on my lap and have some attention.

It amazes me sometimes at how much my life has now changed from over a year ago. I was a stay at home mom taking care of a severely autistic child. My life was almost all consuming with making sure Mari was watched almost all the time as you did not know whether she would escape through a window somewhere in the house or would find the extra key I had hidden in the house to unlock the deadbolt to door so she could go play in her own little world outside.

I have always wondered what kind of world she had lived in. I think it must have been nice. It was like she could go away and escape everything that was around her. I think we all wish we had that ability sometimes to just escape the life around us for a little while. This is partly what made Mari so special. I can remember just watching her as she would just start to laugh at what seemed like to you absolutely nothing. I mean there was nothing she was playing with physically. She wasn’t watching anything on TV and she wasn’t doing anything but just sitting there. She could just laugh though. It was so neat to just watch her sometimes. I guess those are some of the things I truly miss the most. But to be able to look back on those memories at least puts a smile on my face while at the same time having me miss her all the more.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you so much.
Love Mommy

Thinking about Mari

I was just sitting here tonight thinking about Mari. Keith and I went to a new grief support group specifically for parents who have lost a child they were still raising, so the child they lost are under 18 for the most part.

It was nice to go to a group that for the first time truly understood what it was like to lose a child well before their time. Most of the children seemed to have died from a disease like cancer or a sudden death. Mari’s is still hard for me to classify as it was not sudden but it also did not last month’s either. But I guess the point is that it is nice to connect to other parents who have been either where I am now or that maybe, just maybe, I can be there for a parent who has yet to be where I am at now.

It seems that that first year without Mari there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. There just seemed to be utter darkness and I may have even been pretty severely depressed. But now the summer is over. Both of my nieces came out to visit this summer, at different times, but it was nice to have them here and having them here enabled me to be distracted from always thinking about Mari. It’s not that I didn’t think about here, because obviously I did. However, it was not as acute as before. And now that we have passed over the 1 year hump, the 1 year mark of her being gone (I hate to say anniversary as that always signifies to me haplessness and there is nothing happy about Mari being gone), I can honestly say that I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

I do not cry like I used to. I still have moments. But they seem to be fewer and fewer. Yesterday I was doing my business and I was on the phone setting an appointment with a prospect when at the end of our conversation I ended up just starting to cry. I cried and cried and cried. I finally got ahold of a friend who just listened. It is times like these that I just miss her so much. But then I was able to pull myself back together and I was able to carry on with my day.

Tonight at our group, I just realized how truly happy and lucky I am to have Keith in my life. I realize that by no means do we grieve alike (in that area we are eons apart) but that is ok because we are there for each other in the ways the other one needs. Keith needs the physical side of things like cuddling and what not and I need the emotional like him coming to the group meeting tonight when I know he hates going to those kinds of things. I guess for us, it was a good thing that our marriage was as strong and solid as it was before Mari passed or I have a feelings that things would not be as good as they are right now. I mean, don’t get me wrong. We still have our fights and we can really get into it sometimes. But over all we are truly there for each other when it counts the most.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you so much.

Love Mommy

Time Keeps on Treking

It seems as though time continues to trek on. Time is a never ending cycle of both grief and happiness all rolled up into one.

A little over a year ago I lost the one thing most precious to me and that was my baby girl Mariana. Mari is always thought about and is always missed. For anyone who was fortunate enough to meet her their lives were forever imprinted and changed to have known her. She had such a special spirit about her. She had an infectious laugh where sometimes she would just start laughing and you had not clue what was so funny but what ever was playing in her mind it must have been a duzzie.

I can honestly say that, no I have not gotten over the loss of my daughter, I probably never will, but the pain is not so acute. Most of my days are no longer filled with tears and sadness. The hospital stay is not what is forefront on my mind. But those days still come.

Like two days ago I was looking for pictures to post on Facebook and I happen to run into the pictures I took of her while she was in the hospital. To know she is gone still hurts so much but I guess that is what time is truly for. No, IT DOES NOT HEAL ANYTHING. However, time does become what you need because as time continues to go by the pain will become less and less.

When it first happens you almost can’t breathe. You can see no light at the end of the tunnel and you feel utterly hopeless. But whether you like it or not time continue to trek on and you have gone through your first year without your precious child and time has given you what you thought was not possible: Some happiness back and the ability to be able to move on with your life (even though you may not want to as you will always want your child back).

I want to personally thank all of my family, friends and anyone else who may read this site for being so supportive over the past year.

I miss you baby girl and mommy loves you so very much.

Love Mommy

When We Think of 4th of July

When we think of 4th of July, we think of celebrations and get togethers.

Get togethers with family.
Get togethers with friends.
Get togethers with co-workers.
Get togethers with strangers.

It is a time of celebrations and fun.
A time to enjoy each others company.
A time to reminisce with those you have not seen in a while.
A time to enjoy the fireworks and festivities.
A time to enjoy parades.
A time to enjoy the children’s faces light up over seeing the fireworks show or writing their name out with their sparkler.
To put it simply, it is a time where everyone comes together to celebrate and have a good time.

When I think of the 4th of July it is now forever tainted with the memory of sitting in Mari’s hospital room last year at this same time and watching the beautiful fireworks displays from her hospital room window. Not realizing at the time that the very next day we would start to lose Mari forever. That the very next day her kidney’s would go into complete failure and the day after that she would have a stroke. 4th of July will forever be remembered by me as the last day with my beautiful baby girl & thinking my life was still ok.

I used to love the 4th of July with all of its glitter and shine and now all it brings me is sad memories and regret.

I know in time the pain will slowly ease but as of today it is just sadness.

A Mother’s Love Never Fades

Life’s been a fog, a fuzzy, sad haze
As one year has come, a moment we dread
What in life can bring so much sadness
With lots of tears and feeling so empty

It’s a mother’s love and the loss of her child
The one that she bore and then buried 8 short years later
When her child was born, she had so much hope
Her child became part of her everything, making her life finally complete

Yet the child had autism, which changes her hopes and dreams
They included so many things, but a mother’s love is one strong force of nature
The dreams she once had of college and her child’s wedding,
Now had all shifted to communicating and her child’s safety

As the years went by, her child was so loved
But at the same time was harder to take care of
There were days of frustration and absolute sadness
She sometimes felt utter despair and total madness

Her child lived in their own little world
Dancing on the roof or in the street was quite the norm
Her child had no cares in their own perfect world
Always having their way and playing all day

The child was so happy, always laughing and singing
The child’s face was like an angelic angel which could make you laugh or sometimes cry
The mother thought it can’t get much worse than this
She had so many hard moments but her love for her child won in the end

The mother had no clue as to what was about to ensnare her
What she thought had been hard was nothing compared to this
Her life would forever change in one brief simple moment
As her child became sick with a simple case of diarrhea

Unfortunately for the mother there was nothing simple to this
It turned out to be E-coli and so much more complicated than could ever be imagined
The mother had to watch as her child deteriorated in front of her eyes
The child became lifeless and empty and could only lay in her bed

From a bright, vivacious child full of life, love and hope
To two weeks, two days later her child leaving for heaven in the sky
So it has been a year since the loss of her child
A year of utter sadness and emptiness always by her side

The emptiness she feels is never gone
All she does at night is wish this would go away
She still hopes this is all a bad dream
That tomorrow morning she will wake up and her precious will still be here

But tomorrow comes and she is still all alone
Her child is forever gone and she learns to live life all a new
The one thing that gives her solace is she will one day be reunited
Not in this life but in the here after

Her sadness will always be there, this is not hard to imagine
However, she learns to live life the best she can with those that love her by her side
So a year has gone by which is still hard to imagine
But in the end all is ok as a mother’s love continues on for all eternity