Two Weeks and Two Days

I sit here tonight doing some research for my Biology class. I am supposed to turn in six articles throughout the semester. The articles are supposed to be related to biology somehow. I found a website dedicated to biology a couple of weeks ago. The site publishes several articles every single week. I had printed off several of them so I would be ready when I had to turn them in. But tonight I decided to do some research on topics that were more interesting to me.

The found several from the first search I did on autism. They were actually quite interesting to me. Then I decided to see if there were any articles on E. coli 0157. I don’t know why I decided to do this. I think I will always be curious at how something like E. coli could take my daughter from me.

The first article I found states, “…cattle fed distiller’s grain have an increased prevalence of E. coli 0157 in their hindgut. This particular type of E. coli is present in healthy cattle but poses a health risk to humans, who can acquire it through undercooked meat, raw dairy products and produce contaminated with cattle manure.… The growth of ethanol plants means more cattle are likely to be fed distiller’s grain, therefore harboring 0157 and potentially a source of health risk to humans… prevalence of 0157 was about twice as high in cattle fed distiller’s grain compared with those cattle that were on a diet lacking the ethanol byproduct.” When I read this the only thing I could think of would be the dairy products. Mari was not a huge dairy person as I gave her soy milk. I don’t know if Mari had any or not but you never know.

Then I read this other article called Common practices at petting zoos put visitors at risk. “E. coli 0157:H7 associated with two Florida petting zoos… Some behaviors that were most strongly associated with illness were feeding a cow or goat, touching a goat and stepping in manure or having manure on your shoes.” I think back to the two occasions where I went out to visit my sister-in-law’s farm when my niece Crysta was here to visit. I remember trying to keep Mari out of where the animals were but it really was a lost cause. Then I remember how I would bring her into the house. She then would just sneak back out through the open window to go outside while my back was turned. I think the one time it took her all of about 30 seconds. If you can imagine a speeding bullet – that was Mari. She was right back out with all the animals just singing and dancing and having a good time. She didn’t have a care in the world.

I guess we will never truly know what happen to Mari. But I guess none of will ever understand either how diarrhea could take the life of such a beautiful, vibrant little girl in just two weeks and two days.

Posting Comments and To Those Who Care

I sit here just thinking about our beautiful little Mari and how much I miss her. My dog Cody is by my feel playing with my cat Bandit. He is growling while the cat is hissing (believe it or not they are actually playing and DO like each other). While I sit here listening to them I just think of Mari. I think of how much I miss her and wish she was here beside me so I could hear her playing instead of my animals.

I went on Otrib.com today just to see if anyone had responded to her dedication I have on that site. There was not just one comment that had been left for me to approve; there were a total of five. Some were long and some were short; some had been left a few weeks ago and some were more recent. They all meant so much to me. I want everyone who reads my site to know that if you post a comment, I may not get to it right away but know that I read them ALL. I appreciate them ALL. They mean more to me than words could ever express.

I decided to join Facebook back on November 30. It is something I had put off because I was simply not interested. I thought it was going to be stupid. Then when I decided to start my blog dedicated to Mari I saw there was a way to have my posts uploaded onto Facebook. I thought, “Why not try it out.” So I signed up and have been addicted ever since.

I was so excited because I was able to reconnect with so many of my friends from my high school and my high school youth group. I left Sacramento on March 30, 1993 to go active duty in the Army when I was 19 years old. I was stationed at Ft. Hood, Texas and I have not lived back in California since. I met my husband in June, 1993 and we were married on February 18, 1994. When we both got off of active duty we came back to Illinois where he is from and have been here ever since. Keith has been back on active duty for the last 7 ½ years here in Illinois recruiting for the Army.

Joining Facebook when I did really was something very special. It has become something that was needed in my life as I have been so lonely and missing Mari so much. Some of the comments I have received have been so special and more than I could ever have imagined or hoped for. I appreciate everyone who has been there for Keith and I and continuing to be there for us as each day goes by.

For those of you who are wondering what I am doing now, I decided to go back to school last semester. I started off with four classes but ultimately ended up dropping two of them because it was just too much for me at the time. This semester I am taking three classes. Two are gen ed requirements and one is just for myself. The two gen ed requirements are General Education Biology (oh fun!!! LOL) and Honors American Literature II. I am already finished with my third week as of today (it amazes me how quickly time is going by). Biology is going ok and I am really enjoying myself in my American Lit class (believe it or not). There is a lot of reading but that is ok. The classes are interesting which makes it a lot easier to want to attend each day.

The other class I am taking is Creative Writing: Non-Fiction. When I had decided to take this class at the end of last term I had no idea it was going to be a non-fiction creative writing class. I just thought it was going to be a creative writing class writing about anything you wanted from poetry, to fiction, to non-fiction. I was actually pleasantly surprised to find this out. I will be able to learn a lot in this class. I think that it will help me to better improve what I have been writing and then help me to write my book about Mari and her life.

I have been told, it seems, by more and more people they think I am a good writer. I want to say thank you to anyone who believes this or who has told me this. I can honestly say that I do not think of myself as a “writer” but just as someone who writes down her thoughts and her feelings and then shares it with those around her. I appreciate all feedback anyone has to say about what I have written.

My sincerest hope is that when I write something and then share it with those around me that it can help you or others to understand me just a little bit better. It can help you to see through my eyes what it has been like to have lost Mari and to have lost your only child. I know that no matter what I say or what I do that unless you have lost a child there is no way to truly ever understand what it is like to have lost one. However, I think it will help those who have read or will read what I have written to better understand me and the loss of not only a child but your only child. I also hope that it can be healing for those around me and to help all of us get through this incredibly hard time.

Preacakes

It is Saturday morning and I have just woken up. Daddy is still sleeping beside me as he has had a long week at work in the recruiting office. They usually are. It is about 10:15 in the morning. I have awoken to the sound of our eight year old little angel singing her heart out through the monitor. She is singing one of her very favorite song, “Rescue pack, comin’ to the rescue …” It is from one of her favorite shows Diego, the Animal Rescuer. I lay in bed awhile longer trying to just rest before my day begins. Once my day starts it is an all day affair with no rest for the weary.

I finally decide to get up and out of bed around 10:30 because Mari is now saying, “Let’s go potty.” Now typically if Mari says “Let’s go potty” it is only to get out of doing something she no longer wants to do and not that she really needs to go potty. So I am pretty skeptical. The only drawback is you just never know when she actually has to use the potty. So I decide I had better go downstairs to get her out of her room to put her on the potty.

As I get closer to the door, you can just hear her saying over and over again, “Let’s go potty, let’s go potty, let’s go potty, let’s go potty.” I know it will NEVER stop until I get her out of her room as she is one persistent and stubborn little thing due to her autism. It’s kind of like we are at Burger King all the time, it ALWAYS has to be Mari’s way.

I take her out of her bedroom, put her hand in mine and take her to the bathroom across from her room. I unzip her blanket sleeper, pull down her Goodnight, and she sits down on the potty. Now, a typical, average, everyday person once they have woken up in the morning would sit on the toilet and go to the bathroom RIGHT AWAY. Not Mari. We sit, and sit, and sit, and then sit some more. Twenty minutes have now gone by and still no pee-pee on the potty for our little Mari. Boy does she have some good bladder control. Now Mari is saying, “All done.” I know that we could sit there for the next hour or two and she probably will still not have gone. So, I stand her up. She pulls up her goodnight. I take her blanket sleeper all the way off now because it is time to get dressed for the day.

We go back into her room to find an outfit. I am so organized with all of her clothes. If there is a top there is an exact bottom that matches it. If daddy or someone else tries to dress her and put the wrong items together, I have to go back and put the appropriate outfit on her. I pull out one of my favorite outfits for her. It is from the Mary Kate and Ashley line. I love almost all of the outfits they have come out with.

The top has long sleeves. The sleeves and the bodice are different because they are crocheted with a thin burnt orange yarn. The bottom half of the top is a cream t-shirt type material. Because the bodice is crocheted, the t-shirt type material goes up underneath it kind of like a tank top so the bodice is not see-through this way. There are two embroidered flowers, one of the left and one on the right, on the crocheted bodice. Towards the bottom right (if you are looking at the top) is another embroidered flower attached to the t-shirt material. The pants are jeans. They have an acid wash, wrinkled look to them. The jeans have double stitching on each seam and one thread is daisy yellow while the second thread is burnt orange. Towards the top of the pants have a special patterns that sort of looks like a big upside down crown where they attached the pants and used a zigzag stitch with burnt orange for the thread and a straight stitch with daisy yellow for the thread. On the front right jeans pocket (if you are looking at the jeans) has several embroidered flowers with an embroidered butterfly in many different colors. On both of her back pockets, the top half on the left pocket and the bottom right side on the right pocket, are multi-colored embroidered flowers as well. When this outfit is worn it just looks so feminine while at the same time it looks so incredibly cute.

I hand her the pants and she sits on the floor to put them on. I then hand her the shirt. She struggles a little so I help her put it on. We are all dressed now and Mari says, “Preacakes! Preacakes! Preacakes!” I stop her and say, “Mama, I want some preacakes please” while I sign to her the words. Mari then repeats back to me, “Mama, I want preacakes please.” I figure it is close enough so we are off to the kitchen to make us some preacakes.

So the first think I do is to pull out the griddle so it can start heating up. Mari starts to flap her arms in excitement because she knows she is getting her preacakes. I then pull out a bowl to mix the ingredients in. I pull over the step ladder so she can help me at the countertop. I ask Mari to go and get the Bisquick. She goes to the pantry, pulls out the big heavy box of Bisquick and places it on the countertop. I then pull out a 1/3 measuring cup. I measure the first cup full of Bisquick and she dumps it in the bowl. We do this five more times until we have two cups of Bisquick in the bowl. Then I ask Mari, “Ok, what is next?” So she steps down off the ladder, she opens the refrigerator and pulls out two eggs. She brings them over to me, steps back up on the ladder. I break the shells and put the eggs in. Then I ask Mari, “Ok, what is next?” She then steps back down, goes back to the refrigerator and pulls out the gallon of milk. She brings it over to me and she is back up on her ladder. I pull out a Pyrex two cup measuring cup and pour about one and a quarter cups of milk into it. I hand it to Mari and she pours it in. She then goes to the utensil draw and pulls out a whisk. She gets back up on her ladder and starts to stir the batter. She does a pretty good job but it is not quite all stirred so I finish mixing it until it is completely stirred.
So now I pour about a third of a cup of batter onto the griddle. I place four more round circles of batter onto the griddle and we watch them as they start to cook. Mari is just so excited. She starts to flap her “wings” again. The preacakes take about 3 to 4 minutes to cook and then they are done.

Mari goes and puts herself into her highchair that she has had since the day she was born. I close the lid. I place the three preacakes on a plate, butter them, cut them up into easy to eat squares, and then add syrup. I bring the plate and a fork over to Mari. She immediately digs in. Mari tries so hard to use a fork but ultimately gives up and just uses her hands. By the time she is done eating you ask yourself, “Did she get any of it in her mouth?” as it is all over her face, hands, and the clothes we had just put her in for the day.

So I take her out of her high chair, get her all cleaned up and Mari is off to play for the rest of the day.

Thoughts...

I have a friend from my high school youth group that has a blog. I have her blog listed in my "blog list". She wrote something on December 3, 2008 that I felt was really profound and I made a comment on her blog. I hope she does not mind but I not only wanted to share what she wrote but I thought those that read my posts might want to read the comment I had made.

This is the link to her post:
http://hvoeltner.wordpress.com/2008/12/03/thoughts/
And this is what her post said:
Wow, as I sit here I am reminded that this year is almost over. What a year it has been. I sit here totally and completely blessed and am reminded how absolutely precious our lives are and that we need to treasure every moment. I am reminded of two friends who are going to be spending their first Christmas without their beloved children, those who have lost others close to them, have been diagnosed with life altering diseases, those who have lost their jobs, lost their faith. We have so many things that we complain about, or wish were different about our lives.

I sit here and realize I have all I could ever dream of! I have two beautiful and precious children, a husband who loves me, a relationship with my heavenly father, a roof over my head, friends, heat, food, life….and the list goes on. It is so easy to grumble about what we wish was different, or what we wish we had, etc. But this time of year I am reminded that those little things don’t matter, most of the time they are insignificant. I am so blessed, I am challenged to spend the next few weeks praying for those mentioned above, the childless, the homeless, the motherless, the fatherless and more. I challenge you to take your eyes off YOUR circumstances, and begin to pray for those around you, and don’t let those silly little insignificant things of life steal your joy, or make you forget the precious blessings in our lives.

This was my comment:

Heather,

Thank you for writing such a beautiful post. As you know I am one of the people you were talking about. My husband Keith and I lost our only child this past July. Her name was Mariana (pronounced Mar-e-an-na). She was 8 ½ years old.

I used to get so caught up in how upset I would get because she was difficult at times to take care of. She was diagnosed at the age of 3 with severe autism. In the last couple of years she was getting incredibly difficult to take care of that we were starting to seriously consider that within the next year or two she would probably have to be put in some type of home for safety reason.

Mari, as we like to call her, did not understand that safety was just as important as doing what we wanted. She did not understand that is was not ok to go through the family room window to go outside so she could go dancing in the street or to go through mommy and daddy’s bedroom window on the second floor so she could go dancing on the roof (fortunately the roof was basically flat) or go through the living room window to go to our next door neighbor’s backyard to play in their sandbox even though she had her own in our own backyard. All Mari knew is she wanted to do what she wanted to do but did not understand the safety consequences for what she did in that she could have been seriously hurt, or worse, she could have even been kidnapped or something. There was no talking to her because she lived in her own world; we called if Mari’s world. In her world there was nothing she could not do.

To have all the worry back and frustration would be such a gift; it is something I long for now. I miss it because that means she would be back. I would much rather have to worry about all these things that not to have her at all. I do not that if she had been able to live that life would be so different for us now.

All I know is now she is gone for the rest of our lives. There are so many people that miss her. I was on my way to the dentist today driving on I-80 (in Chicago area) when I saw this hearse with the funeral line behind it. When I looked back there were a total of 3 other vehicles (to include the limo) following behind the hearse. What amazes me, and I have seen it several times since my daughter’s funeral, is that for the funeral line from the funeral home for the 45 minute drive on the way to the cemetery my daughter had over 20 vehicles that followed. This was an 8 ½ year old little girl that had no idea just how many people truly loved her. I immediately started to fall apart with my friend on the phone. My daughter was such a special little girl and she will be so missed.

I guess ultimately what I am trying to say as I feel I am just rambling on is thank you for what you wrote today. Losing my daughter has put so much into perspective in that you never know what each day will bring and we all need to live it to the fullest.

Kristena

Remembering Mari, how sweet it really is!!

I sit here today actually feeling ok for the moment. It seems like most days are either ok or they are just sad and lonely.

I was sitting here in my house yesterday and feeling utterly lonely. I was looking at Mari’s photos up on my mantel for her dedication wall. I sat here on my couch taking a break from my new website I have been trying to get up and running and was just looking. I thought about how it feels like just yesterday she was here. It feels like sometimes that she should be FLYING around the corner with her Backyardigans stuffed animals, and don’t forget the book, and sitting in what she considered to be “her” chair (which really is mommy and daddy’s very comfortable reclining chair in the living room). She would also bring along her favorite blanket. And then she would just sit there entertaining herself for hours. Sometimes to just watch her could put a smile on your face. And if you try to move her, give her some time and she will be right back where she started. She had such a stubborn streak about her. It seemed it was like we were at Burger King all the time because it had to me “Mari’s Way” or you definitely heard about it.

I look at her pictures now and I can still see her. If I start to think about her too much I then start to cry and sometime (it seems like a lot of times) it turns into sobbing.

I talked to my grandpa the other day. He is a person you would never have considered to be a very emotional person, another words he definitely did not carry his emotions on his sleeve. Over 60 years ago he and my granny had a 10 day old baby they lost. I asked him how long it took him before he was able to start living life somewhat normally again. He said it had been at least a year and a half. He said that he and my granny would just sit there and cry sometimes. He also said that you will never fully get over the loss of a child as it will stay with you for the rest of your life.

I started a new semester in college. I am taking three classes; one of which is a nonfiction creative writing class. I think it will be good for me. My first assignment is to write out my life story in just two to three pages. Well, I sat down the other day, took about 40 minutes and came up with six. It’s Hard to condense a WHOLE life of chaos and confusion into less than three pages. What I wrote is very graphic and could not be posted on here as there are people I love that it may hurt. But what is good about writing it is it felt very therapeutic for me.

Mari’s memory I know will go on for years to come but it’s through all of those who knew her at all as to how she goes on living now and each day forward.