Thank you for reading and listening...

Today was a day of contemplation. I have been going to school on and office since 1995. I have slowly but surely trying to obtain a college degree. Sometimes I am seeking an associate degree and then others I just go straight for the gusto and try seeking a bachelor’s degree. At this point I have well over 90 credit hours but some are things I don’t need. I am literally two classes away from finally getting my associate degree in business and graduating in May 2009. So I am finally going to do it.

My semester this spring I am taking American Literature II (where I have to read The Road and read The Great Gatsby, plus three different volumes for the 20th century literature; kind of reminds me of high school in a way but I think this time around I will get a whole lot more out of it). I am also taking General Education Biology and then Creative Writing. I am actually taking Creative Writing because I want to. It is not a required class but I have been enjoying myself so much writing here recently I thought it would actually be fun to take this class. Never in a millions years before would I have ever thought this. I have always thought what I wrote was quite boring. I am pleasantly surprised to learn that people do not think my writing sucks but instead actually like what I have to say. Sometimes some (mostly it seems) and sometimes it puts a smile on your face but overall I feel like I am putting my feelings to paper to help people to understand how I am feeling. It is so therapeutic for me. I thank everyone for just listening to what I have been writing. Please don’t hesitate to leave your comments as I read every single one that is posted. They mean the world to me.

Thank you,
Kristena

Watching Movie, It's not supposed to be sad

It seems like in life it does not matter what we do or what we say we can always be reminded of what we don’t want to be reminded of at all. Keith and I went to see a movie last night. I wanted to see a comedy because I needed something to pick me up and help me to laugh. So we looked at the preview for “Marley and Me”. The previews they show for this movie are hilarious and I will tell you that most of the movie will keep you in stitches laughing. It is such a cute movie. I do not want to ruin the movie for anyone so I will not go into too much detail but the end just made me sob in the movie theater. I was not expecting what happened to happen. The crying I did is not like what you would do in a normal movie where you cry over something sad. I did not just cry; I sobbed. I was sad for the rest of the night. Keith and I talked on the way home and he said this, “I guess it does not matter what movie we watch we will always be reminded of Mari.” And he is just so right.

Before we left for Hawaii, at the beginning of December, we went to see “Four Christmases” with Reece Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn. This was another comedy, it is highly recommendable. The whole premise behind the movie is the characters of Reece and Vince as that both of their sets of parents were divorced and so they had to go and visit each one of their parents houses for Christmas, hence Four Christmases. Well, the first house they visit is Vince’s character’s dad’s house. We are sitting watching the movie and one of the brother’s 9 month old daughter’s is wearing a beautiful Christmas dress. What is unbelievable about this beautiful Christmas dress is the fact that it is the same exact dress I got for Mari last year and what she wore and Christmas day. I mean what are the odds. So Keith and I think we may not see many new movies for awhile and only watch those that we know will not be such a reminder of our beautiful baby girl.

Our Angel In Heaven

Our angel in heaven
How quick she must be
If you can imagine
She flew like a bee

As soon as she arrived
In heaven that first day
You can just imagine
How she wanted to play

Can you just see her
Dancing and singing
While everyone around her
Is laughing and swinging

The clouds are no match
As she wanted to paint
So she took out her markers
Just like a saint

The clouds are her canvas,
I know it’s hard to imagine
But somehow she did it
Like no one could fathom

She wrote out in marker
Her favorite words in the sky
BLUE, CLUE, TOYS, CARS
And nobody wondered why

To have known her is to see
How she loved her TV
To watch what she wants
Is all that can be

Dora, Diego, and
Backyardigans too
Don’t forget Nemo,
Wonder Pets, and Blue

These are her favorites
No one can forget
As I am sure she is flying
While she watches I’ll bet

Oh my there’s a lake
How could we forget
Because she found that water
And she gets soaking wet

She suddenly stops and realizes
During her playing and fun
That those down on earth who love her
Are sad and undone

As she is standing there still
All grown up in heaven
She sends down this message
To those who are grievin’

“Please don’t be sad
And miss me you see
Because I am ok
And happy as can be”

“Jesus took me in
It is plain to see
Because he loved all of us
And died on a tree”

“I am his child
And he took me in
Like no other would have
Because of my autism”

“I am waiting here for you
When it’s your time to come
So let that give you peace
So you don’t feel so glum”

“I know you miss me
Because I miss you too
But knowing I’m up here
Can give you peace and help you through”

“So one final thing
As I say good bye for now
Please live life to the fullest
With plenty of ‘wow’”

“I love you mommy, daddy,
And everyone who loves me
Because, you see,
I will be reunited soon with thee”

T'was the Night Before Our Lives Changed

T’was the night before our lives changed, forever in our house,
No one could have known, not even a mouse.
For our hopes hung in the balance with all human care,
In the hopes that our prayers would be answered right there.

The people who loved her went off to their beds,
While they laid there and slept or prayed in their heads.
And daddy had his hope, and mommy had her fears,
Because the next morning might bring about our tears.

We arose the next morning to hear so much clatter,
As we were not sure what was the matter.
We flew to her side in such a quick rush,
But there just seemed to be this great big hush.

The sun seemed to rise and show us its glow,
As those that loved her were waiting below.
We all hoped that our waiting would bring us good cheer,
But that miracle we were waiting for didn’t seem to appear.

For we could not believe she had gotten so sick,
It seems like it had happened all too quick.
More rapid than thought possible when it had come,
It seems like all that knew her were becoming quite numb.

We all cried out, “How could this be,
For she’s not to go before any of us let alone me.”
It seems like we hit a great brick wall,
For we knew God had a plan, for her and for all.

Our time was slipping, it seemed to fly by,
We hoped she was not headed for heaven in the sky.
Because if she was it seemed like she flew,
With pieces of our heart and our love for her too.

Then in a moment, her fate had been sealed,
For we all knew she could not be healed.
The unbelievable had happened, and it was all too real,
We were losing her to heaven, we had no appeal.

We dressed her one final time from her head to her toe,
Her clothes were so precious, she had such a glow.
She had all those that loved her there by her side,
As we all held her close, and sobbingly cried.

Her eyes always twinkled! Her smiles were so merry!
Her cheeks were so rosy, she could fly like a fairy!
With her mommy holding her tight as she took her final breath,
Daddy was there too, as we lost her in death.

You could see she was at peace as she left us for heaven,
It was a relief to know she was already forgiven.
Because she had autism, God knew she was special,
She was just like sunshine, or even a rose petal.

Once she had made it up to heaven with cheer,
She saw those she loved on earth with a tear.
She sent down this message to those that she loves,
“I will see you soon here in heaven along with God’s doves.”

What words can we speak to portray the loss we feel?
At least it gives us peace to know she has God’s seal.
God’s seal is so special, as it means she’s with Him,
Because without this hope, life would be so grim.

We all sprang by her side, to say one final goodbye,
Even though her spirit had already left for the sky.
It seems she exclaimed, as she left us that night,
“I love you all so much, and all of you will be alright.”

You now are our angel, looking down from above,
As you look after us all, with all of your love.
To think of you up there, gives us all so much peace,
Because one day soon, we’ll be reunited with thee.

Mari's 9th birthday was today

Today is Mari’s birthday, or at least it would have been. She would have turned 9 years old today. I think back to 9 years ago and how I had a very difficult time delivering her. She had an extremely hard time coming into this world. It seems like she has always been a fighter. She always fought for what SHE wanted. It did not matter what anyone else wanted.

Mari would have had such a good time today. All of her cousins from her daddy’s side were here today, her aunt’s and some of her uncles, and grandma and grandpa. We all celebrated her life together today. To remember her is so vital; it is so important.

It is hard to truly be thankful for things these days. If I had to try to find something I am thankful for I guess it would be that we do have Keith’s family right by us. We could be stationed in another state away from all family and friends that we know. It is hard for me to say I am thankful though. I mean, I know I am truly grateful for so much but it feels like when I say I am thankful then it feels in a way that I am thankful that she is gone, and of course, I am anything but. I miss her so much. Her birthday today is just so bitter sweet. It would have been another day that she would have gotten older while reminding ALL of us that she will never get older. She will always remain for the rest of all of our lives until the last person who knew her as our 8 ½ little girl that is so well missed.

My hope is that every year we have a celebration of her life party on the day that is her birthday. To celebrate her life is to always remember her and to always remember her is more important than almost anything else I could possible think about. We love you Mari and will see you soon.