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I wish sometimes people would really think before they say something.
It seems like I hear more times than not, “She’s in a better place.” I wonder if people HONESTLY think this makes us feel better. Yes, logically they are right. But to be blunt, WHO CARES. I am human and selfish by nature. I want my daughter back. I want her right here. It does not matter than she is technically in a better place. I miss her so much and now there is a whole in my heart that will never heal. It will never become whole again.
A couple of days ago there was a contractor that came to our house to fix some things that needed to be corrected for the village home inspection for us to be able to rent and live in the house we rented. A long story short I told him about Mari. He of course was curious and asked some questions as to what happened. I told him an extremely abbreviated version of the story because as I am sure you can well imagine it is not an easy story to tell. Then he ACTUALLY asked this question: “Do you miss her?” I could not believe the stupidity of the question. I kind of snapped at him. I said, “You know what, that was a STUPID question. WHAT DO YOU THINK?” Then I just started to cry. I could not believe he even thought to ask that question. I definitely think he talked before he really thought about what he was about to ask. I felt bad afterwards and apologized several times for snapping at him. He told me that if he the same thing had happened to him he might have said even worse. He told me not to worry about it.
I hope that all of our family, friends and those that care know how much we so appreciate you being there for us. And please know that we know you guys care for us and have been there for us more than we could have ever even imagined. Just know that what we really need from everyone is to just be there for us and to just listen when we need to talk. We love you all.
Everyone talks about how the holidays are so hard that first year. I can honestly say that you just do not even look forward to them what so ever.
Thanksgiving is literally right around the corner; only three days away. When I think of Thanksgiving I always think about how you are supposed to be thankful for what has happened in your life in the last year.
I am sure there are things that I should be thankful for in the last year but they are so overshadowed by the obvious. How can I be thankful for anything when I have lost my beautiful little angel? It is hard for me to even say “I am thankful for ….” I just don’t feel very thankful. I mean, let me explain. I am grateful that I have Keith. He is my love. He is my life. He is the love of my life. He is my stability. He is the one that is there for me no matter what happens in this life. He loves me no matter what.
I know that I am grateful that we both of our families that are there for us. We have friends that are there for us. Keith Army family is there for us. They are working with Keith and being very understanding through everything. They are being patient with him as he is struggling through this oh so difficult time.
To so that I am thankful thought, I just can’t. To me being grateful is just not the same thing. So I do not look forward to Thanksgiving this year as Mari is not here. She is missing from our family.
I can remember her from just last year to where she would not eat anything from Thanks giving dinner. We had to feed her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich which was a daily feeding for her. I don’t think there were too many days that went by without her having at least one PB&J sandwich. It was a staple for her. There will be no PB&J served this year at Thanksgiving dinner. Just the usual. I will miss this so much. Something that used to drive me nuts because she literally had less than 10 items she would eat and yet I miss it so much now.
I think ultimately everything that I used to take for granted and would have been thankful for now if Mari could have stayed alive is now all replaced by how much I miss her and the things we used to do and give her. So now I am not thankful very often. However, I can be grateful for certain things.
I thought it would be neat to share this with everyone. There are not a lot of things that put a smile on my face here recently but I thought this was pretty neat. I wanted to share it with everyone so you can all enjoy it as much as I did in person. I hope you enjoy. I took the video while we were at Keith's annual training conference last weekend. Please post your comments and tell me what you think.
Also, towards the very beginning there is a small 2 to 3 second section where the sound becomes fuzzy, please just wait it out and then the video will go back to normal. Again I hope everyone enjoys.
It amazes me how you find out who your true friends really are.
While she was in the hospital we asked people to pray for Mari to get better. And from there it became a snowball effect. We had people praying for her and us all across the country. I would not be surprised at all if there were over a half a million people who were praying for Mari and Keith and I during this time.
When Mari died there were tons of people who were there to support Keith and me. Anyone from family, to close friends, to people from Mari’s school (both past and present), to people from summer day camp (both past and present), to our military family, to our church family, plus many others we did not even know. Some came only to the wake, and some came only to the funeral, while others came to both. There were over 20 vehicles that went from the funeral home to the Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery near Joliet which was about 45 minutes to an hour away. And the vehicles did not just have one or two people in them either. Each and every vehicle was packed. It amazed me to see just how many people loved that 8 year old little girl and yet she did not even know it because she had such severe autism.
Before Mari died I had a friend whom I called my best friend. I have been there for him/her through just about everything you can imagine. When she/he got a call from one of Keith's sisters to let him/her know that Mari died I never heard from him/her. I did not even receive a card from him/her to let me know he/she was even thinking about Keith and I. My friend did not call to find out how I was. She/He did not call to find out where the funeral was. Just nothing. I finally called my friend about a month after. I left a message and then she/he called me back later. I received a ton of excuses as to why he/she never called. I was incredibly hurt. A month later I still had not heard from my friend again so this time I left a message asking if Mari’s death was just too much for my friend to handle and that my friend just could not talk to me. It might have just been too hard for her/him to handle. I did not understand how this could be since I have always been there for him/her. I get a call back from my friend and he/she says this is just not the case. She/He, again, gave me tons of excuses as to why she/he did not call. I got off the phone with her/him and realized that the person whom I have called my best friend for years was never really my best friend to begin with. A true friend would be there for you no matter how difficult or hard the situation is. A true friend is supposed to be there for you in the best of times and in the worst of times. This would definitely be considered "the worst of times." It now has been about 2 months since the last time I talk with this person. I have been incredibly hurt to know that someone I loved and cared about so much could just abandon me like this when I needed my close friends and family to be there for me the most. There is nothing else out there that compares to the loss of a child.
I am happy to say that there are other people who have been there for me beyond anything I could have imagined. Shelly is one friend that has been a privilege to know. She has been there for me through so much in the last couple of years that I have known her. She was there at the hospital on a Saturday when it was one of the worst days. They cleared out Mari’s room of everyone except me and I asked Shelly to stay behind with me. She just sat there rubbing my back as I fell asleep beside Mari in her bed. Thank you Shelly. Even my best friend from high school Sofia has been there for me even though she is 2,000 miles away from me back in California where I grew up. Thank you Sofia. Plus the many others that have been there for Keith and myself. You are so loved and appreciated more than you could ever know or even imagine. Just thank you.
It’s been 4 months since the loss of our beloved baby girl. 4 MONTHS!!! How can that be? It does not seem possible that just 4 short months ago we had made a decision to permanently take our daughter off of life support and let her go. Who would have ever thought that something in this life could ever be THIS hard. No one can ever imagine what it is like because we are not capable. As parents, it would drive us nuts. It would hurt everyday over something that probably will never even happen to them. I know this is how I was.
I hate it when people said or say that we were brave. Everyone needs to understand that our decision had nothing to do with bravery. It had to do with making the right choice for someone you love more than yourself. I can honestly say that there really are not too many, if any, that people love more than themselves. For me, I would have to say that I love my husband more than myself and my daughter was right there with him.
To lose her is almost impossible to describe. There really are no words that can be said that would ultimately describe how we feel. Honestly, only another parent who has lost a child can even remotely understand what we are going through. I guess the best way to describe it is that it is a club you join the moment your child is gone. It is club you never EVER wanted to join but had no choice in this matter. You would rather have gone your whole life without joining the club than to join it. But none the less, here we are where Keith and I have joined it anyway. Against our wishes. Against our will. Against everything we had ever even hoped or dreamed for. We are now members. The one thing I can say is since I had to join this terrible club at least there are others before us that can help us and those that inevitably will be joining someday that we may be able to help them some day.
It seems like as we near the next month about a week before I start to get extremely emotional up to about a week after. Then the day of comes and I am just a complete wreck.
To miss her is to love her. She will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. There will not be a day that I don’t think about her. She was half of my everything and Keith is the other half. Half of my everything is missing so there is a big whole but I am so glad that the other half is still here with me. I know that we will get through this life together as we grieve for the rest of our lives for our precious baby girl.
We love you Mari and one day we will be reunited again.
Love Mommy and Daddy
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