How quickly time flies before we realize...

As most of you know, and those of you who are new and don't, I have moving my website to a new server and creating a new site for better utilization and personalization. In doing this, I have been going through each and every post I have ever posted and reorganizing everything. I am better organizing categories to help people find a post they might be interested in. I have now included tags for every post. So far I am to the end of the year 2008. I still have all of 2009 and what has been written this year.


In doing this I ran accross one of my posts. In a way it is a strange coincidence because I have a song that I have been wanting to write about and then post and it relates directly to this post I wrote over a year and a half ago. Because I have been thinking about this recently, I am reposting what I wrote before and I have added the lyrics to the song I have been thinking about as well as a YouTube video to the song itself. If nothing else, I hope this song will stop and make you think about how short life really is and how we only have so much time on this earth. I originally wrote this post back on December 27, 2008.


I think about how time can be more precious than most really think about or even care to think about. Because if we think about how precious time really is we then begin to realize that it is not infinite. We only have a limited amount of time, each and everyone of us, here on this earth. When our time is up, it is up. There is no amount of begging or pleading that can keep us here or those that we love.


I can remember sitting in the hospital at the beginning of her getting sick and just thinking I hope she gets better soon. That lasted about 2 days. Then to watch our daughter go downhill as quickly as she did, it went from hoping she gets better, to I hope she just makes it through this and she is still alive.


Most of the days were incredibly difficult, but three days in particular were the worst. The first day was the day we found out she had had a stroke. No, she did not die, but she had a stroke at the age of eight. That did not even remotely seem possible. The second day would be the day I watched my daughter crashing in front of me due to a cerebral hemorrhage. At the time I did not even know what that was but I will never forget these 6 words, “Get a crash cart, she's coding.” I think they are permanently tattooed in my head. The final, most difficult day of all was when we were told the little girl we had before no longer existed. That we basically had the shell of Mari left and she would never come back to us. That was the day we had to make a decision that would change our lives forever. To make a decision to permanently let your own child go is unthinkable and yet we had to do it this day. I mean, how could this be that just two weeks prior she was laughing, and dancing, and singing, and just being Mari to how letting her go permanently to never see her again. It’s inconceivable but the reality of it is we were having to make that decision anyway.


That age old saying of how “that won’t happen to me” or “that could never happen to me” got completely blown out of the water. It can happen to anyone. Those that it doesn’t happen to are just the lucky ones because if it does happen to you, then you know just how unlucky you really are as you have to deal with the loss for the rest of your life.


Please just remember time is precious. We all seem to get to the point where we take time for granted until something like this happens and then we live each day knowing that at any moment things could change. My hope is those that read this will be inspired to change the way they look at life and know that at any moment their lives can change either in a positive or a negative way and to just live each day to the fullest.


Here is the song I was talking about earlier. Music and Lyrics by the group SuperChick.


"We Live"


There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could say she loved him one last time
And hold him tight
But with life we never know
When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


There's a man who waits for the tests
To see if the cancer has spread yet
And now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"
If I could have the time back how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway?
To get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


(repeat chorus 4 times)


To play the following video, simply click on the box. It is then going to tell you that "Embedding disabled by request Watch on YouTube". Simply click on the link and it will open up a new window and start to play the video. I hope you enjoy.

Do you have any kids?

It is interesting. Most people don’t even think about it but when you first meet someone and he or she says they are married, it seems like one of the very first questions anyone asks is, “Do you have any kids?” I was just sitting here this evening and it struck me on a funny chord. No not “funny ha ha” but “funny ironic.” I think it is our natural curiosity that wants to know just a little bit more about the person you have just met. It is the last thing on anyone’s mind when they ask this question that yes the person might have kids but he or she may have lost a child, or in really rare, unbelievable instances he or she may have lost more than one child.


It seems like invariably that when I tell someone I am married, and especially for how long (16 years), the next natural question that seems to be asked is, “Do you have any kids?” I always say I did. Some people don’t catch on to the whole word “did.” Some people do but I think they choose to ignore it or you can see the look on their face change as they do not know what to say next. And then some people say, “I am so sorry.” No one is truly ever prepared to run into someone who has lost a child, even if you have lost one yourself. It seems like the natural course of life is thrown out of whack as a child is supposed to always out live his or her parents, especially if it is a young child.


Once someone finds out you don’t have a child then his or her curiosity seems to get the better of him or her and their next question almost always is, “What happened?” or “May I ask what happened?” You as the parent understand their curiosity but for him or her it is a double edged sword. No, it is not that you really mind tell the story of what happened. In a way, it is just a story. The hard part about this in particular story is when he or she has to tell it, it is like he or she is reliving it all over again.


I know this from firsthand experience. To be honest, I never mind when someone asks me what happened. In a way, it has helped me with my grieving process. My husband cannot stand to talk about it at all. He grieves in a completely different way.


So when I am asked I always tell some form of the story depending on how I am feeling at the time and if I am up to telling the whole thing. There are times I simply say something like this, “She somehow contracted E-coli. This in particular E-coli caused complete kidney failure, then stroke, a cerebral hemorrhage and cardiac arrest. We eventually made the hardest decision of our lives by taking her off life support on July 16, 2008.” I guess you could say that version is very sweet and to the point. Sometimes I will get a little more detailed than that. Then there are times that, depending on who I am talking to and how comfortable I feel with my first impression of him or her, I will go through the whole story, day by day, telling him or her what happened to our beloved baby girl. It is very rare in these cases that I don’t end up crying by the time I am done.


The other versions I am able to just say and step back from my emotions. I guess the best way to describe it is like I step outside of my body and am looking from the outside in so that I can keep my emotions at bay. That last version is almost impossible to tell without having my emotions right there on my sleeve. I guess I would not be human if I somehow did not feel something when telling that story.


When I am done telling the story I can also tell him or her about Mari and how she was when she was alive. The most important thing I can do as her mommy is to tell people about her so her memory stays alive for years to come.


I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you very much.


Love Mommy

Moments before Mari left for heaven

It Happens At the Strangest Time

I am sure you all can imagine that Mari is never really far from my mind. Today is no different.

Most of you know by now that I have started working out again. I set my alarm for 5am this morning (yeah, that is the correct time) so I could be to the gym by 6:30am for my very first personal training session. My personal trainer is Jennifer. Man she kicked my booty this morning. So much so that she cut our session 7 minutes early as my body was completely worn out (man am I out of shape).

I was so sore after our session this morning. I then headed over to Wal-Mart and I pick up a heart beat session. It is one that is both a wrist watch type along with having a chest strap. It is pretty neat.

I was home by around 9am this morning. Keith was still in bed so I decided to go back to bed for a little while as I was completely worn out.

Later this afternoon around 5pm we went back to the gym. Keith had not worked out yet today so he needed to get his in too. Because my thighs were so tight from this morning’s workout I decided to get on the elliptical to see if it will help me with the soreness I was feeling.

The first few minutes I was not sure if I was going to be able to finish or not. But I stuck with it.

I have an iPhone and I have a lot of my music on the iPod on my phone. I put a playlist on when I started and just listened to the music as I was striding along.

Well, a song came on and I was really listening to the words. You know what I mean. It is not like you don’t know the song and you have probably listened to the song a hundred times or more but this time I was really listening to the words. The song I was listening too was Steven Curtis Chapman’s song called “Beauty Will Rise.” It really made me stop and think about my beloved Mari as this man truly knows what it is like to lose your own precious child as his own beloved Maria passed away only a month and a half before Mari on May 21, 2008.

It is amazing at how quickly one’s life can change. In just an instant Steven’s life changed just as mine did within two weeks and two days.

This is a man whom I have admired for quite some time for the beautiful music he has put out since I was in high school. It has such meaning behind each and every song he has written.

His last album is basically a compilation of song either about his beautiful little angel now in heaven or how he has gotten through this terrible time. Unfortunately I can say I know how it feels and what has been going through these last two years. (It amazes me how it has already almost been two years since Mari left this earth for heaven.)

Going back to the song I was talking about earlier, “Beauty Will Rise,” as this song is so beautiful and truly helps you to understand why the sadness and loss can hit you at the strangest times, I want to share the lyrics to this beautiful song with you:

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed till my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you
Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning

I can hear it in the distance
And it’s not too far away
It’s the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it’s time to make everything new
Make it all new
This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that’s been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He’s made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we’ll know the joy that’s coming in the morning, in the morning

Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise
Beauty will rise

Words and music by Steven Curtis Chapman

Memorial Day

As we approach Memorial Day many things come to mind but at the forefront of my mind is our beloved Mariana. No she never served in our nation’s Armed Forces but she had the privilege of being buried in the Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery. How might you ask is this possible if she was never a veteran as only veterans are allowed to be buried in a national cemetery or the veteran’s spouse. Well there is one loop hole that my husband Keith and I found out the hard way: You have a child that passes away and they get the privilege of being buried there if they are still your dependant (I believe under the age of 18).

Our daughter was only 8 ½ years old when she passed away. Who ever thought that a little bacteria could be so deadly. Not Keith and I. Well we found out the hardest way anyone could ever find out when our daughter contracted E-coli 0157:H7. No, technically the E-coli did not kill her but it is what the E-coli did to her little body that ultimately took her life (to read more about her story, click here).

But I am off track. Memorial Day is a day to remember those loved ones we have lost. In other words, to preserve the memory of them. To remember them always. This is a special day. I don’t think it is a day any of really want to have as this means we have lost a loved one. I know I don’t. I would much rather have MarMar here than just the memory of her and remembering how she used to be but that is all that is left are our memories.

All of us remember Mari somewhat the same but all of also remember her a bit differently from one another. Obviously for Keith and me she is at the forefront of our minds. The other spectrum is those that barely knew her but still remember her with such fondness. This is how she continues to live on in all of our lives. My true desire is that the light of Mari, the flame that she once had alive, will continue to live on for many years pass her short time on this earth.

We have a friend who was going out to the cemetery anyway and wanted to know if we would like her to put anything on her grave since Memorial Day is tomorrow. We were so grateful that she called and asked as Keith and I cannot go as we live too far away now. Here is a picture of the flowers and pinwheel that she put on her grave. The flag must have been put there by the cemetery as you can see there are flags in front of all the other cemetery markers as well.

Memorial Day is simply special as I know she will never be forgotten.

We miss you baby girl and Mommy loves you very much.

Love Mommy

Then it hits ya

Since moving here to Kentucky, I have fell in love with a program on the Style Channel. The program is called Clean House. If you have never seen it before, they take people who are clutter fanatics (and man there are some that are so nasty) and help them clean out the clutter, sell the stuff in a yard sale and then give them a makeover in the rooms they cleared out.

Well, they have a couple of shows that came from the original called Clean House: Search for the Messiest House in the Country and Clean House Comes Clean. Clean House Comes Clean is more of the outtakes and stuff they did not show in the original episode aired.

Well tonight I was watching the Comes Clean one and they had a baby episode one where there were parents who were expecting a new baby. The second couple in the episode ended up having a baby on July 16, 2008. I was completely taken aback. For those of you who don’t know, that is the EXACT day Mari passed away.


Over the years I think we all hear about how one life ends and another begins. Well, this was like a slap in the face. My baby girl’s life ended and this new little one’s started. I know that there are going to be many other babies that happened to be born on that day as well but this was a baby that was tangible. They even showed pictures of the new little one and then showed an updated with the baby now being about a year and a half old.

I was amazed I did not cry. It’s just strange how at any moment you can have something that brings it all back to the forefront.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.
Love Mommy