Time Keeps on Treking

It seems as though time continues to trek on. Time is a never ending cycle of both grief and happiness all rolled up into one.

A little over a year ago I lost the one thing most precious to me and that was my baby girl Mariana. Mari is always thought about and is always missed. For anyone who was fortunate enough to meet her their lives were forever imprinted and changed to have known her. She had such a special spirit about her. She had an infectious laugh where sometimes she would just start laughing and you had not clue what was so funny but what ever was playing in her mind it must have been a duzzie.

I can honestly say that, no I have not gotten over the loss of my daughter, I probably never will, but the pain is not so acute. Most of my days are no longer filled with tears and sadness. The hospital stay is not what is forefront on my mind. But those days still come.

Like two days ago I was looking for pictures to post on Facebook and I happen to run into the pictures I took of her while she was in the hospital. To know she is gone still hurts so much but I guess that is what time is truly for. No, IT DOES NOT HEAL ANYTHING. However, time does become what you need because as time continues to go by the pain will become less and less.

When it first happens you almost can’t breathe. You can see no light at the end of the tunnel and you feel utterly hopeless. But whether you like it or not time continue to trek on and you have gone through your first year without your precious child and time has given you what you thought was not possible: Some happiness back and the ability to be able to move on with your life (even though you may not want to as you will always want your child back).

I want to personally thank all of my family, friends and anyone else who may read this site for being so supportive over the past year.

I miss you baby girl and mommy loves you so very much.

Love Mommy

When We Think of 4th of July

When we think of 4th of July, we think of celebrations and get togethers.

Get togethers with family.
Get togethers with friends.
Get togethers with co-workers.
Get togethers with strangers.

It is a time of celebrations and fun.
A time to enjoy each others company.
A time to reminisce with those you have not seen in a while.
A time to enjoy the fireworks and festivities.
A time to enjoy parades.
A time to enjoy the children’s faces light up over seeing the fireworks show or writing their name out with their sparkler.
To put it simply, it is a time where everyone comes together to celebrate and have a good time.

When I think of the 4th of July it is now forever tainted with the memory of sitting in Mari’s hospital room last year at this same time and watching the beautiful fireworks displays from her hospital room window. Not realizing at the time that the very next day we would start to lose Mari forever. That the very next day her kidney’s would go into complete failure and the day after that she would have a stroke. 4th of July will forever be remembered by me as the last day with my beautiful baby girl & thinking my life was still ok.

I used to love the 4th of July with all of its glitter and shine and now all it brings me is sad memories and regret.

I know in time the pain will slowly ease but as of today it is just sadness.

A Mother’s Love Never Fades

Life’s been a fog, a fuzzy, sad haze
As one year has come, a moment we dread
What in life can bring so much sadness
With lots of tears and feeling so empty

It’s a mother’s love and the loss of her child
The one that she bore and then buried 8 short years later
When her child was born, she had so much hope
Her child became part of her everything, making her life finally complete

Yet the child had autism, which changes her hopes and dreams
They included so many things, but a mother’s love is one strong force of nature
The dreams she once had of college and her child’s wedding,
Now had all shifted to communicating and her child’s safety

As the years went by, her child was so loved
But at the same time was harder to take care of
There were days of frustration and absolute sadness
She sometimes felt utter despair and total madness

Her child lived in their own little world
Dancing on the roof or in the street was quite the norm
Her child had no cares in their own perfect world
Always having their way and playing all day

The child was so happy, always laughing and singing
The child’s face was like an angelic angel which could make you laugh or sometimes cry
The mother thought it can’t get much worse than this
She had so many hard moments but her love for her child won in the end

The mother had no clue as to what was about to ensnare her
What she thought had been hard was nothing compared to this
Her life would forever change in one brief simple moment
As her child became sick with a simple case of diarrhea

Unfortunately for the mother there was nothing simple to this
It turned out to be E-coli and so much more complicated than could ever be imagined
The mother had to watch as her child deteriorated in front of her eyes
The child became lifeless and empty and could only lay in her bed

From a bright, vivacious child full of life, love and hope
To two weeks, two days later her child leaving for heaven in the sky
So it has been a year since the loss of her child
A year of utter sadness and emptiness always by her side

The emptiness she feels is never gone
All she does at night is wish this would go away
She still hopes this is all a bad dream
That tomorrow morning she will wake up and her precious will still be here

But tomorrow comes and she is still all alone
Her child is forever gone and she learns to live life all a new
The one thing that gives her solace is she will one day be reunited
Not in this life but in the here after

Her sadness will always be there, this is not hard to imagine
However, she learns to live life the best she can with those that love her by her side
So a year has gone by which is still hard to imagine
But in the end all is ok as a mother’s love continues on for all eternity

Approaching 11 months…

We are now approaching 11 months that Mari has been gone. June 16^th will be exactly 11 months. Whether we want it to or not time just continues to carry on.

I was going through this site a little while ago and realized that I had not posted anything new since Mother's day. It has been hard this last month and I know as the day approaches the 1 year mark it will just continue to get harder. Then I was reading the comment that someone wrote annonomously. What the person said was basically that I sound depressed and that I need to get help before I drive everyone around me crazy. I could not believe what this person said. Either they do not understand that I am obviously going to be sad and I may even be depressed but was there any reason what so ever for this person to write that comment. All it did was hurt me. Or the only other reason I came comprehend why someone would write that is because this person is unfeeling and just did not care that it would hurt me.

The only reason why I write on this site is so that the people around me can understand a little bit of what it is like to lose a child, especially your one and only child, and how hard life has been for me as the mother. I guess what I am saying here and what I am asking of everyone is that if you have something to tell me and want to make a comment, please really think about what you are saying first before you write it as you never know how hurt someone may be by that comment. Thank you for your understanding everyone.

As a side note, due to what this person wrote as a comment, I have had to take away the ability to allow people to post comments annonomously. From now on, please become a follower of the site and then you will be able to make a comment on any post I make. I hope everyone understands.

I love you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.

Mother's Day is Here

Well, it is officially Mother’s Day. A day of celebrating our mother’s or to be celebrated by our children. Today should be a day of utter happiness and excitement. To be remember for just being the women who are loved by those around us.

If Mari was here today she would not even understand what today was. Keith would be the one to go and get me a gift and say it was from Mari. Mari would just be her normal, everyday self not realizing that it’s a day to celebrate me. A day to say, “I love you mommy and I am so glad that God gave you to me.” She would never have understood the importance of today. Yet, me as her mommy, I was so incredibly gifted to have her in my life. She brought us so much pain and so much joy, so much heartache and so much sheer excitement. So much of just everything.

Mari had severe autism and yet somehow everyone she has ever touched in her life fell in love with her. No one could resist that beautiful smile.

I had a friend last night ask if I was going to visit her grave today. To be honest, I had not even thought about it. I just don’t know if that would help me today. To know she is not here is so unbearable sometimes. I just miss her so much. Yet we add the icing on the cake today and it is Mother’s Day. A day for her to remember me. Just a day to be remembered as mothers.

The realization sometimes that Mari is not longer here just seems like I am living a nightmare. I went to bed last night and said to myself, “Please let this all just be a bad nightmare and when I wake up in the morning let Mari be here.” Of course she was not but I hope for that all the time. Then today comes and it is all the more acute.

I just miss her so much. I love you baby girl.