Music of the Heart

I was not sure if I could handle going back to church this morning. I have tried two times since Mari passed. Each time I could not make it through. I sit here writing this as those around me are signing. Singing was one of the things I used to love to do in church. It meant so much to me and I put my heart and soul into it. I just can’t seem to do that. Singing has always meant so much to me. In my high school youth group is where I was introduced to contemporary Christian songs. I am so thankful I was 20 years ago as it has forever been a part of my life, and it has grown into a true love for music as the words are some of the most heartfelt words about our Lord and those around us. I think this is why they are so incredibly hard for me to sing. They truly have always touched me in the very bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. One day I know I will be able to sing them again, just not today.

Mari's Crayons

I sit here in church today just hoping I will make it through. I found Mari’s crayons she used to color with in my Bible bag this morning. The bag was on the very top shelf of our bedroom closet. Just imagine, it was as if there were dust atop the bag as it had been up on that shelf since we moved into our home in September. I went through the bag just to make sure of what was in there. There they sat; her crayons. When we used to go to church with Mari in tow this is partly how we could keep her entertained during the church service until she was released for the children’s portion during the sermon. The last time I used this bag was in our Burbank home. Her crayons were there so you know I have not touched this bag since before she died. In the back of my notebook that I use are a bunch of her drawings she would draw while she was bored in church. There are her little people, her name as she wrote it, her numbers 1-5, and mnay other little things she felt were so interesting to her. When I found the drawings this morning it brought me back to my precious little angel as I can see her making her little noises as she draws. They are and forever will be precious to me and those who knew her personally.

Wonder and Confusion For What Life Brings Us

Today is a day of wonder and confusion. Earlier this week Keith and I had another tragedy happen in our lives. If you have been on Facebook, and you are one of my “friends” on there, then you know what has happened.

The tragedies started 8 months ago and ended on Mari’s 8 month mark of being gone (February 16). In the past 8 months, we have lost Mari, we found out a little over a month ago that Keith’s dad has prostate cancer and then at the end of last month that it is moderately aggressive prostate cancer, and now the most recent.

Keith’s previous first sergeant and his wife were found dead in their home on Monday, February 16 from carbon monoxide. Their names are Anthony and Anita Wilcox. Keith had found out about 3:30pm, approximately 2 hours after they found them in their home. He had tried to get a hold of me around 4pm. He sent me a text message at 4:04pm saying, “911 call me asap.” Keith has never sent me a message like this. By this point I was already in my Biology class for the day. My phone was on vibrate. I never felt it.

I called Keith like I normally do as soon as I get out of class at 6:18 pm. He wanted to know where I was. I told him I had just gotten out of class. He asked if I was on my way home. I said yes. He said he was going to the store and asked if I wanted anything. I told him to get me anything but Hot Tamales (I have had those the last few times and I am kind of tired of them). He said ok. He never mentioned anything to me. So I got off the phone with him. Then a few minutes later I noticed that I had a missed text message. When I read the message I was almost to my van. I thought it was strange and I that he did not say anything to overly important when we talked. So I called him right back and asked him about it. He said that it involved the Army but he did not want to talk about it over the phone. He would talk to me as soon as I got home. He asked again if I was on my way home and I told him I was in the van driving right then. So we said I love you and good bye.

Now I was both concerned and nervous for what he had to tell me. I figured it someone was under investigation or maybe it had to do with the possibility of us becoming stationed at Ft. Knox, Kentucky or something like that. This happens sometimes and he just did not feel comfortable talking about it over a telephone. So I called his mom to see if Keith had talked to her. Not so much to see if she would tell me what was going on but to see if she knew anything so to help calm my nerves. She said no that he had not. So I talked with her a few more minutes and then we hung up.

For the rest of the way home I listened to my audio recording for The Road and was in complete wonder with my stomach getting upset over what he had to tell me. When I got home Keith was on the phone with his father. I tried to get him off but his dad needed to talk to him about something. I think he was on the phone for about 5 to 10 more minutes. In the mean time I am just wanting to know what Keith has to say to me. He FINALLY gets off the phone (It just felt like forever to me even though it was a few minutes) and I immediately pounds, so to speak, to find out what he needed to tell me.

He told me that Anita and Anthony had been found dead in their home. When I heard him tell me this it was almost like it was a bad dream, another nightmare we were about to start living again. I just could not be true. I even said, “They are REALLY dead?” And he said, “Yes.” At first I was just in complete shock. I just could not believe what I had just heard. And then it just turned into hysterical crying. The belief for what had just happened was so unreal to me. I mean, how could this be? How could these two people be gone?

They are two of the most wonderful people anyone could ever have met. When Mari was both in the hospital and then when she passed away, Anthony and Keith’s company commander Raina were really there for us. The two of them, in a way, became a part of our family. I can remember Anita at my husband’s mom’s house after we all had gotten back from the cemetery. There was a little group of us just talking. It was me, my best friend Shelly, I think Missy (a family friend), and Anita all just stood there talking. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about but she was just her normal everyday self. The most kind, unselfish person you could meet.

When I talk to my friend Shelly a few days ago asking if she remembered her, she asked me if she was the woman with the hot pink nails. I said, “Yup, that was her.” Anita was always so nicely dressed, with just the right outfit on, her hair done just so, and her nails looking fantastic. That was Anita. She was a small, petite woman with a heart of gold. Anthony reminds me of the jolly old elf. I hardly ever remember a time when he did not have a smile on his face. He probably even had a smile on when he was disciplining someone because he was just the most happy person one could meet.

Anthony and Anita are going to be so missed and such a void left behind where these two were. Anthony had just turned 43 on January 26 and Anita was 44 with her birthday coming up on June 10. They had been married for 22 years and have three beautiful children. All three are in college with the youngest having just graduated from high school last year. If you believe in prayer, please pray for these three children because it is hard enough to lose one parent but they lost both at the same time. Please also pray that their college will be able to be taken care of so that they do not have to worry about how to come up with the expense of trying to go while having had lost their parents.

We will miss you Anthony and Anita and please just know you are loved. I am sure Mari was up there waiting for you with open arms. She probably became your tour guide to show you around your new home up there in heaven. Please take care of my baby girl as we miss her so much. We love you guys.

8 Months Have Come and Gone

I sit here contemplating what my life is going to be like without Mariana. It has been 8 months since she passed. Then you are probably thinking, “Well, if it has been 8 months, shouldn’t she already know.” I can tell you first hand that I still don’t know. Eight months ago tomorrow my daughter was still here with us. Eight and half months ago she was still singing, and dancing, and being the bright and shining star we all know and love. Yet now that star is not shining and bright. It has been blown out here on earth. Although I know she is shining upon everyone up in heaven and bringing a smile to those around her.

When we are young it seems like 8 months takes forever. Eight months is almost the amount of time we are in school each year. Eight months is 2/3 of a year gone by. Eight months just seems to go by ever so quickly. And now Mari is gone. It seems to have gone by even quicker. Yet I still cannot see what my life is going to be like without Mari. It reminds me of when you are a kid trying to see what your future will hold for you when you are “all growd up”. I cannot see what the future really holds for me.

I had an old friend ask me tonight if Keith and I were planning to have any more kids. She actually said before she asked her question that she was not sure if it was even polite or ok to ask. I told her that her question was fine. Keith and I have talked about whether we are going to have more children and we just don’t know yet – at least not at this time. When and if we do have more children, I am sure we will have really contemplated over it.

Only 4 more months until she has been gone for one full year. ONLY 4 MONTHS!! It just does not seem possible that a year ago we had just moved and we were all so happy.

Can Two People Really Grieve That Differently?

How can two people who love each other so much grieve in such utterly different ways. I don’t think there is a person on the planet who doesn’t know that men are different than women. This is why the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was written and the game was created. It is to try to help all of us understand the opposite sex. Personally, I have never read the book but I can just imagine what it says.

Tonight I went outside to gather up more firewood from our backyard. I started a fire earlier today. It has turned cold again outside. I had run through what I had collected earlier and needed more to keep the fire going. I think I have finally learned how to build a pretty good fire. I can get the fire burning and it just feels so warm and cozy. You feel like you could run around in your shorts and a tank top as if you were in the summertime instead of it being 20 degrees outside.

When I went through the door from our office to the garage, I noticed I had left the garage door open from earlier today. Both the light bulb in our garage and the one that illuminates the outside from above our garage door are burned out. For some reason as I was walking down the steps I saw something on the ground to the left of the steps. When I bent down to pick it up, it was a 5x7 picture of our daughter Mariana.

This was a special picture. It was a part of the bereavement package we had received from the picture company Inter-State Studio. They happened to be the company hired in the fall of 2007 to take their fall school pictures. It happens to be her very last fall school picture. We used to live in DeKalb and her teacher, Julie Ahlbach, got a hold of the picture company. She knew they did this special service for parents who have lost a child. It included one 8x10, two 5x7’s, and nine wallets size photographs. Plus they gave us the copyright of the professional photo and put the photo on a CD for us to use however we wish.

I had given this 5x7 photo to my husband. He wanted to take it to work and put it up on his desk. I had asked him if he had done this the day he took it. He had told me he had. I felt like he had lied to me and I was so hurt. I wasn’t really hurt because he had not put the picture up but more because now there was a hole in the bottom of the picture and it was all scuffed up.

I called him up and said he was a liar. I asked him why he had lied to me about putting the picture up on his desk if he had not. Of course, as you can imagine, this started a fight over the phone. I have never accused Keith of lying to me before. He is just not that kind of person. He told me he had put it on his desk that day but did not have a new frame for it. He did not want to put it over one of her older pictures. He got so mad that he hung up on me.

He then called me back about five minutes later and said that he was so angry he now had to talk about it. He yelled at me saying, “What? You don’t think I miss her? You don’t think I want her here?” I knew this was not the case. I knew how much he loved his daughter and utterly missed her. He just never talks to me about her. I am the ONLY one who ever wants or seems to need to talk about her. He is grieving by never wanting to ever talk about her. I am grieving by needing to but nobody wanting to. How can two people who love each other more than life itself come together and be ok? How can we learn to grieve together so that we are there for each other in how the other grieves?

We have tried going to a grief counselor to help us out but that did not work. We have tried to talk about this on our own but that does not work. I guess only time will tell and be able to help us meddle our way through this incredibly difficult time. All I can say is at least we have each other. We may have an incredibly difficult road ahead of us but we will not be doing it alone. He is my other half as I am his. Together we are one.