A Dedication to Mariana

This video is a dedication to our daughter Mariana. It was created by a friend and it was played at her wake and before her funeral started. I wanted to share it with everyone because of how much it meant to Keith and I and our family. Please let us know what you think.

A tribute from a very special teacher

This tribute was written by a very special teacher. She was not Mari's first teacher but she was the first teach to truly help my daughter like no other teacher had. Her name is Julie Ahlbach. Before Mari came to her classroom I don't believe she had a lot of experience with children who had autism, let alone as severe as my daughter’s autism. I was always the advocate for Mari and I fought to get my daughter into and all day program before most children were aloud. Mari's teacher before Julie told me one time that she really did not know how to teach Mari. I appreciated her honesty but that also concerned me because that told me Mari was not in the right environment to get the appropriate education she needed or deserved. We ended up having a meeting with the special education director, the current classroom staff that was teaching her and a new set of people from a classroom she could possibly go to. The current program she was in did not have all day for the Early Childhood department. So they were thinking about putting her in the Multi-handicapped program the district had. She would have ended up going into this classroom for Kindergarten anyway but the Special Ed director thought we could give it a try now. This program was a very special program and she would remain in this program until we moved this past December [2007] (we actually moved on Mari’s birthday). The teacher of the program was Julie Ahlbach. Mari was allowed to attend all day everyday she was in this program. Julie implemented things into her program that I introduced her to. Julie is and will continue to be a wonderful teacher that I believe truly helps all of her students no matter how disabled they are.

Because Mari had been such a vibrant part of this school for 3 years they did a memorial/tree planting service in her honor. This is what her teacher wrote. The love she has for all of her children is special. I want to share this with all of you since most of you either could not or were not able to be at the memorial. I hope it touches your heart like it has mine.

I had the privilege of being Mari’s teacher for three years. She touched the lives of all of us in the program.

This summer one of my assistants asked how the children were chosen for my program. I am looked her straight in the eye and told her we got the cutest and most special of the children in the district. And Mari fit both of those criteria. She was very cute and very special. I remember the day Andrea Weinger, one of my assistants, went to observe Mari in the Early Childhood Program shortly before she was to come to our program. Andrea came back to school and said Mari was really, really cute and really, really, really busy!

We knew we needed the perfect assistant for Mari, so we enlisted our friend Laverna Grady to help us. Back then it took Laverna’s two hands and my two hands to watch Mari’s two hands! We had a functional program and worked with Mari on making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for her lunch. If Laverna and I were not fast enough that peanut butter and jelly sandwich would find a way to get Mari’s face awfully messy. But, three years later, the same little girl who used to smear peanut butter on her face, could eat her peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Mom or Dad cut into fourths very appropriately. We were so proud of her!

She learned to read. She could write her numbers and letters and loved counting the touchpoints on the numbers. She loved our songs and poems and knew our routine quite well. I would often say if I was absent that Mari could run the class.

Mari loved music and responded so well. We had a little away song that we would sing to get her to put away whatever it was she needed to put away. We used it during transitions, at the store when she was playing with the giant Dora doll and it was time to go, when it was time to leave the playground, or simply clean up her pencil box. It worked like a charm whenever we needed her to be done with something.

Yes, we could modify her behavior, but, she could modify ours too. She would look at us with those sparkly blue eyes and utter those three powerful words, “Let’s go potty!” She knew she could get out doing any activity she did not want to do with that phrase. Don’t get me wrong – sometimes she did need to go potty. But, sometimes she simply needed a break from table work. We would take her to the bathroom and she would sing, and count, and recite our poems. We loved hearing her talk – even when we knew she had conned us.

Mari loved her Dora fruit snacks. Sometimes she wanted them so badly that she could say fruit snacks in one syllable. We used to buy extra fruit snacks on our Wal-Mart trips so we would never run out.

She enjoyed our community trips, especially swimming. She loved swimming so much and could not understand if some of the children were not happy in the water. The chilly water at the YMCA did not seem to bother her at all.

Mari thrived with routine and structure. Most of the time we could provide that in the classroom, but we could not control the bus. If her bus was not out on time it was hard for her. When the bus was late, Frankie, the last assistant she had before she moved, would sit with her outside and sing, “Where, oh where is Mari’s yellow bus?”

When I told my family that Mari had pass away, my eleven year old son Austin said, “Now Austin Lee has a friend to play with in Heaven.” Austin Lee was another of our very cute and very special students. He passed away on Mother’s Day [May 11, 2008]. Austin had significant physical limitations. His shoes always stayed too clean because he could not run around and get them muddy. We like to think of Autism jumping in puddles in Heaven and getting his shoes dirty. And anyone who knows Mari knows that she was Queen of the Puddles. That girl could find and jump in a puddle before her assistant had a clue she was gone. I am sure Autism and Mari are having a great time getting their shoes dirty in those puddles. And Austin was not able to eat by mouth so we like to think of him as being able to eat whatever he wants in Heaven. My guess is that Mari has introduced him to the Dora fruit snacks!!

I have pictures of both of these children on a bookcase in our classroom. I see their beautiful faces as I teach. I pray they are now watching over me as I watched over them. They both will remain in our hearts forever!

Letter from Heaven

This poem was first introduced to me by a friend. He created the dedication video of Mari's pictures that were put to music and then at the end he had a neat surprise for us. He had his daughter say this poem at the end of the show with Mari's' picture there. His daughter was going to read the poem at her funeral but it was just too hard for her to do because the reality was a little girl about her age had died and just too much for her. So her daddy read the poem. This poem meant so much to me as you will read. I hope this poem means as much to all of you as it has to us and our family.

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

I went online and googled the lady who wrote this poem. On her site all she asks is to have a link back to her poem. Author: Ruth Ann Mahaffey, ©Copyright 1998. Her website is http://ruthann1.com/LetterFromHeaven.htm

What if I could have what I wanted

What would tomorrow bring if life could be the way we want it.

First, Mari would be here. She would never have gotten sick to begin with. She would have stayed perfectly healthy.

She would be laughing, and playing, and simply being Mari. She would watch one of her favorite shows or one of her favorite movies and then start to flap her arms in excitement because she is just so darn excited she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

She would still be here to let us know when she is hungry by saying “Eat Please” or when she was thirsty for strawberry milk and say “Milk Please” or if she was just plain flat thirsty by saying “Juice Please”. If she wanted to have a snack she was say “Cookie Please” or “Ice Cream Please” or “Cracker Please”. She just had so many different ways to let us know that she wanted something to eat to even just grabbing your hand and DRAGGING you to the pantry or the refrigerator to take you to what she wanted NOW!! I sit here thinking of her doing that and it puts a smile on my face.

If life was the way we want it Mari would be here to tuck her in bed every night and her to say “Bear, Bear” and will not stop until you get her favorite white bear that lights up to sleep with at night. Or she knows that it is bedtime and we are trying to put her in her bedroom and she goes running off to the family room with us chasing after her and yelling at her to get back here because what she was playing with in the family room and wants to continue to play with it in bed.

If things were the way we want it then she would be in school right now. I would forget most mornings to put her harness on her for her school bus to go to school. She would be gone during the day but would be back home by 3pm every day. She would be there with smiles on. She would be so excited to be home. The bus driver would tell me how they got stuck in traffic and Mari would throw a fit because the bus was not moving. She would do this if Keith or I would get stuck in a traffic jam and she felt she was done sitting in the car. She wanted the vehicle to be moving at all times. Or if we forgot something at home and had to temporarily turn back around to go back and get it. Boy you would think that Mari’s world just came to a crashing halt because she thought we were not going bye bye after all. She just loved her outings away from home.

We would go into a store and pass something that she wanted, like a Dora toy, or a Cars toy, or a Backyardigans toy, and if we did not let her have it, boy we did not hear the end of it. She knew exactly where the video section or the book in the store was as well. If we did not stop and let her pick out a video or book then she let us know at the top of her lungs. The amazing thing is that if she had her way, we would have at least 30 copies of the exact same book or the exact same video. All she knew is that each time she saw one of her favorite things in the store she wanted it each and every time no matter what that she already had it at home. To her it was already hers and wanted to play with it now. We were always so sneaky when it came to checkout time because we always told the cashier to hide it behind the counter as we were not going to buy the same things over and over again.

There are just so many things that would continue to happen if things were the way we wanted because ultimately that would mean that Mari would still be here with us.

I remember my mom used to always ask me as a little girl, “Does it hurt to want?” I am sure all of your parents have said this to you at one time or another. My answer had almost always been no because it doesn’t hurt to want. For the first time in my life I can now answer that it really does hurt. When I was a kid she would have said, “Well, I would quit wanting then if it hurts.” Today would be different. Even though it hurts to want, I keep wanting anyway because I just love her so much even though I know what I want will never happen.

Items on the left side

I wanted to make sure everyone knew about the items I have put on the left side of this website.

On the top left is where you can see who is following the blog and also those that would like to sign up to follow.

Next is something I added just a few days ago. Something I have been thinking about is that many of you knew Mari and I am sure that you would have a lot to say. So what I want to offer to all of you is if you would like to write something about her or if you want to dedicate something to her, please let me know.

Next are those individuals that have contributed personally to the site that have author privileges. Please let me know if you would like to contribute this way.

Next is about her Care Pages. Most of you know about her Care Page but for those of you who do not this give instructions on how to go and read her Care Page to find out what happened and how we lost our baby girl.

Next is the new group of created that is apart of Google groups. I named it Grieving Parents. I want anyone to be able to go on there and use this as a tool to help us either grieve for Mari or grieve for the loss of a child or those that knew someone that has lost a child.

Next is simply my thank you for visiting our site.

Next is the blog archieve for this site. Only the last 10 posts are shown on the front page. To read either mine or other previous posts they would be listed in here.

Next is a slideshow of pictures of Mari

Next is a slideshow of Mari's drawing all over our walls in the house we used to live in.

Next are pictures of Mari grave marker and a message from her daddy. There is also a poll to see if you can actually see the message her daddy wrote her in the dirt.

Next is the Army Drill team performing at a function Keith and I went to. There is also a poll to see what you thought of the Army Drill team performance.

The next several pictures are of your newest family members, along with a video at the top of the two chasing a lazer light which is hilarious.

Then last pictures shown are of what people have either given to Keith and I or things I have purchased to remember Mari by.

Finally, I have the only videos I have ever taken of Mari on my camera shown here. Two are actually of her. One you can see her somewhat at the begining and mostly her legs but you can hear here. And the other one you can only hear her voice as she is singing and talking.

The very last item on the bottom left is a counter showing how many people have actually visited this site.

I truly hope this site has been beneficial to all who have visited it. I know this site has been such a blessing for me. I am able to write down how I am feeling and then share it with all of you.

Kristena