We have moved our site to a new location

To all of our loyal followers, we have moved our blog/website to a new location.  To find us in the future, we are now located at http://www.mommysangelinheaven.com.  I will no longer be posting to both this blog and the new one.  Please come check out our new site and set up.  I look forward to you following us on there.

Meeting Someone New

It’s always interesting to meet someone new. You don’t know what type of person s/he is. You don’t know what to expect from him/her. You don’t know how s/he will react to different situations. In a way, getting to know this new person is like solving a mystery. Will you like this person? Do you have the same ideals? Do you have the same beliefs? And the list just goes on and on. Ultimately, curiosity kills the cat and we must find out more about this person. Do you want to get to know this person more? Do you want him/her to just remain an acquaintance or would you like to get to know him/her on a more personal level to possibly becoming one of your friends? Maybe even a really close friend you know you can count on someday. Or is this a person you want to completely steer clear of as they are not the type of person you want to hang around with or be associated with? I don’t know about you, but in the back of mind I have all of these types of questions that I try to get answered either from the first time I meet a new person or after being around him/her a few times.

The reason I brought this up today is I met someone new yesterday in a completely unexpected way. A woman with one of her daughters and another child knocked on our door yesterday morning. Keith went to answer the door and there she was. We have never met her before and so human instinct kicks in and you want to find out who this person is. Is it someone you want to immediately shut the door on and wish you had never opened the door to begin with or is this someone you want to take a chance with and find out what they want? Well, this lady is someone whom we wanted to find out a little bit more about.

She said she was from a local church in the area and just wanted to invite us out. I of course overheard her talking from across the room so I immediately became intrigued. I went over to the door and started to talk with her.

To make a long story short, she is a very nice person. We ended up talking for about a 30 to 45 minutes right there on our front door step. Her and I have a lot in common. Like our belief system for example. She was very approachable and easy to talk to.

So for some reason I decided to get one of the business cards I have made up that have a picture of Mari on it (one of her very last one’s before she got sick) and the website to Mommy’s Angel In Heaven. Then I decided to share with her about Mari.

Normally, I can tell people about Mari and I keep my emotions in check, so to speak. But for some reason this time, I was not able to do that. As I was talking about Mari and how Keith and I want to find a church to go to but have not as of yet, I start to cry.

I hate it when I become emotional like this, and what seems out of the blue, especially with a complete stranger I have never met before. I mean, what will this person think of me? Will she think I am a complete basket case? Wish she think I am an emotional wreck? Who knows? But for some reason I felt incredibly safe with this woman. I felt I could open up to her and I need that. Especially given that I hardly know anyone yet since we moved here. I don’t have any friends yet. It can be rather lonely sometimes. So I guess I just needed someone to talk to and she felt safe as it seems like we have a lot in common.

Well, I have a feeling she thinks I am totally sane and not a basket case. She probably understood that the loss of a child is incredible and you never really get over it.

The end result is I would like to get to know this woman better and possibly create a friendship. It feels nice to meet someone new you want to get to know better. So I want to send out a big “thank you” to this woman for taking a chance by knocking on our door yesterday as you just never know whom you might meet and touch in the end.

Julie and Sylvia

Sylvia, I want you to know how much of a dear friend you have become to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, you were such a help to Keith and I when we were still living in DeKalb. Every Sunday morning you enabled us to be able to attend church service while you were taking care of our beloved angel during children’s church. You enabled her to participate and be around other kids her own age. You have such a gift and you were a God send as you have the speech background that could ultimately help in ways that most people couldn't. You understood her like most people couldn't. You are just such a special person and if I have never told you thank you for all you ever did with our beloved baby girl, I want you to know now how very thankful Keith and I are and will always continue to be.

Let me just say that you have been there for me in ways that most people could not as you too have lost a child and a very young one at that. You have been there for me in my darkest hour and I appreciate you more than you could ever know or imagine. My sincerest hope is that one day, I too, can be there for a parent whom has lost a child (even though we all wish this would never happen again but unfortunately we all know it will) in ways that he or she could have never imagined.

We unfortunately have joined a club, a very special club. The club everyone hates and no one wants to enter. We become members kicking and scream but no matter what we end up joining in the end. It's the “Parents Who've Lost a Child” club. We all have an understanding that others out there simply cannot understand or truly grasp. I mean, they try but it is impossible to truly understand until you have been through it yourself and obviously no one wants that. So in a way it is a good thing these other people don't understand as it just means they themselves have been saved from the heartache and despair we all feel and have felt.

It's is weird how other people can actually relate to my writing. I have been told that I have a way of being able to take those feelings and emotions that most people cannot or are unable to talk about or portray to others and I am able to put them down into words for other people to understand. I can honestly say that it is so strange for me to hear.

I have always said that I never considered myself to be a very good writer. That is slowly but surely starting to change. As the old adage, or old saying, goes when you hear something enough, good or bad, you start to believe it. So I have to conclude with enough people saying it that I must write ok after all. So thank you to all of you who have either told me this or have never said anything but you yourself believe it.

It is through friends like Sylvia and Julie that have truly helped me in ways I never thought humanly possible during these almost past two years. We are only 14 days, exactly 2 weeks, away from where my life started to change and I had no idea it was about to. It is a change that I have hated and will continue to hate for the rest of my life, but a change none the less. A change that I have still not completely accepted nor will I ever fully accept it. However, it is a change that will slowly but sure be imbedded into my mind as there is no way anyone of us could ever change it back so you have to learn to just accept the reality of what has been given to you anyway.

It is interesting to me how this had simply started out to be a reply to a comment that a very dear friend had made and now it has turned out to be so much more than that. I was realizing as I was writing this that there is more to this reply than just a reply. I guess when the thoughts start coming, they seem to explode now and then. It’s weird that way for me sometimes. It feels good in the end to get them all out there written down. I can look back on them later and they even help me out. It feels good to know this.

Then as an added bonus: They seem to help other people out there as well. I mean, I could have never imagined that way back when Mari was first in the hospital that those journal entries I was writing about while she was in the hospital and what was happening to her and her updates (see Her Hospital Story) would ultimately lead me into writing out my own feelings with the loss of Keith’s and my beloved baby girl, our beloved angel in heaven.

I say “our” because Mari may have been mine and Keith’s daughter, however, she was and continues to be everyone else’s out there’s beloved angel in heaven watching over all of us. She makes sure we are all ok in her own special way, Mari’s way (I mean, could you truly imagine it being any other way?). After all, it always had to be Mari’s way here on earth. Do you honestly think it would change up there in heaven? No way.

Back to the comments people have been leaving. Here recently, I have received so many that have meant so much to me. Julie wrote how she loves “reading [my] writing when [I] do these honest, real life pieces. [I’m] so down to earth and easy to relate to. The continuing story of Mari and how [Keith and I] are dealing with her being gone is really a unique and rich experience that [I am] doing an amazing job of sharing with everyone.” It’s hard for me to truly get across how this just cut right down to my heart and meant so much. It touched me in a way that is hard for me to put down in to words. As I was reading her comment last night, it actually brought tears to my eyes just as Sylvia’s comment did for me this morning. To hear how other people either feel or see my writing is such a neat experience and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So the bottom line is just Thank You. Thank you to everyone and the words you have shared with me through your comments. Some are short, sweet and to the point, others are long and very expressive, and then all of those in between. Thank you for them all.

With Love,

When life throws you a curve ball (man, all I wanted was a fast one :) )

All I can say is, “Boy what a night last night.” Keith and I typically go to bed, what might seem for most people, rather late. It seems like if we are starting to get ready for bed by 11 o’clock or midnight that it is an early night for us. We both are suck night owls as we usually are going to bed around 1 or 2am and sometimes even later.

Well, last night did not start off as a good night once we got upstairs and settling down for the night. As it was, I was very tired. It’s around 1am and by the point the littlest think seems to be irritating to me. For example, my husband setting the alarm for the time he did (we’ll leave that for another story :p ). It’s all jumbled up together now. It was stuff that just seems stupid now (aren’t most fights this way after all :) ).

Ultimately, the conversation ended up on Mari. It has been several months (at least 3 or 4) since we have had a real conversation about MarMar. We just hardly talk about her anymore. I guess that is what happens in life when you don’t have that person around you everyday like you used to. It’s not that you forget about her, as I am sure you can imagine we don’t. It’s just they are not here to talk about.

I ended up going down the road of talking about how I felt like I was a bad mom. Mari’s autism was so severe and hard to deal with sometimes. People always thought I had such great patience when they saw me with her. I always felt my patience was on its last legs. It was always run thin and towards the end of her life in those last couple of years it just seemed to be growing thinner and thinner.

There were times when she would do things like writing on the walls or pulling down her pants to go potty right in her bedroom instead of letting me know she needed to go to the bathroom so she could use the toilet. In these moments, I would just need a break like counting to ten or even just putting her in her room for a little while so I could calm down. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I even did it.

It is hard for me to admit this but I feel sometimes like I have so much regret. I don’t like to tell people this because immediately they will say to me that I have nothing to regret. I was a good mom and things like that. However, I feel like such a selfish person sometimes as all I wanted when she was alive is to have my own time ALONE without her. I still remember the day they called me from her school asking Keith and I to come and pick her up as she had diarrhea. All I know is I wanted that time for me and I did not want her home yet. 4th of July weekend was coming that weekend and so she was going to be home for the next four days. I just wanted that “me time”. But as parents, are you supposed to have that “me time” anymore? Isn’t it all supposed to be about your children until they can be on their own? And in my case, Mari was never going to be on her own with her autism the way it was.

Well, guess what happens: she gets sick and dies. I know technically that it is not my fault she is gone. However, I feel like I brought this upon myself for ever thinking this way to begin with. You might be thinking, “Well every parent has their moments of wanting alone time.” I know that logically it is not really my fault but it doesn’t stop those guilty thoughts that keep creeping into my mind. I guess the bottom line is I miss her so much.

As I sat there talking to Keith I realized that now it was the 16th. We are exactly one month away from Mari being gone for two years. Can you believe it’s already been two years? It dumb founds me. Unfortunately for me, it always seems like around this time every month I always seems to have a hard time. In the last couple of months everything has been ok for the most part. However, this month is different. For one, I have been sitting here really working hard on this site and getting it better organized. In doing this I am rereading all my writing. It is bringing up a lot of how I have been feeling over the last couple of years and rebringing those feelings to the surface.

The other thing is that we are exactly one month away from Mari being gone for two years. Can you believe it’s already been two years? It dumbfounds me. Our lives have had to continue on. Keith and I both feel guilty for being happy with the fact at how much easier our lives are now that Mari is not here. You have to be a parent of a severely autistic child and then to have that child pass away to truly understand where we are coming from. We talked about it again last night how if she were still alive that she probably would have been institutionalized by now. Keith said that it still kills him to even think about it now but we both know that she was becoming a hazard to herself and her safety was our main concern.

Unfortunately, life likes to throw you a curve ball when all you want is fast one to be thrown straight at you so you can better control the direction your life is heading. So much for what we want as life is filled with many curve balls that we would like to avoid all together.

How quickly time flies before we realize...

As most of you know, and those of you who are new and don't, I have moving my website to a new server and creating a new site for better utilization and personalization. In doing this, I have been going through each and every post I have ever posted and reorganizing everything. I am better organizing categories to help people find a post they might be interested in. I have now included tags for every post. So far I am to the end of the year 2008. I still have all of 2009 and what has been written this year.


In doing this I ran accross one of my posts. In a way it is a strange coincidence because I have a song that I have been wanting to write about and then post and it relates directly to this post I wrote over a year and a half ago. Because I have been thinking about this recently, I am reposting what I wrote before and I have added the lyrics to the song I have been thinking about as well as a YouTube video to the song itself. If nothing else, I hope this song will stop and make you think about how short life really is and how we only have so much time on this earth. I originally wrote this post back on December 27, 2008.


I think about how time can be more precious than most really think about or even care to think about. Because if we think about how precious time really is we then begin to realize that it is not infinite. We only have a limited amount of time, each and everyone of us, here on this earth. When our time is up, it is up. There is no amount of begging or pleading that can keep us here or those that we love.


I can remember sitting in the hospital at the beginning of her getting sick and just thinking I hope she gets better soon. That lasted about 2 days. Then to watch our daughter go downhill as quickly as she did, it went from hoping she gets better, to I hope she just makes it through this and she is still alive.


Most of the days were incredibly difficult, but three days in particular were the worst. The first day was the day we found out she had had a stroke. No, she did not die, but she had a stroke at the age of eight. That did not even remotely seem possible. The second day would be the day I watched my daughter crashing in front of me due to a cerebral hemorrhage. At the time I did not even know what that was but I will never forget these 6 words, “Get a crash cart, she's coding.” I think they are permanently tattooed in my head. The final, most difficult day of all was when we were told the little girl we had before no longer existed. That we basically had the shell of Mari left and she would never come back to us. That was the day we had to make a decision that would change our lives forever. To make a decision to permanently let your own child go is unthinkable and yet we had to do it this day. I mean, how could this be that just two weeks prior she was laughing, and dancing, and singing, and just being Mari to how letting her go permanently to never see her again. It’s inconceivable but the reality of it is we were having to make that decision anyway.


That age old saying of how “that won’t happen to me” or “that could never happen to me” got completely blown out of the water. It can happen to anyone. Those that it doesn’t happen to are just the lucky ones because if it does happen to you, then you know just how unlucky you really are as you have to deal with the loss for the rest of your life.


Please just remember time is precious. We all seem to get to the point where we take time for granted until something like this happens and then we live each day knowing that at any moment things could change. My hope is those that read this will be inspired to change the way they look at life and know that at any moment their lives can change either in a positive or a negative way and to just live each day to the fullest.


Here is the song I was talking about earlier. Music and Lyrics by the group SuperChick.


"We Live"


There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could say she loved him one last time
And hold him tight
But with life we never know
When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


There's a man who waits for the tests
To see if the cancer has spread yet
And now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"
If I could have the time back how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway?
To get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living


We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love


(repeat chorus 4 times)


To play the following video, simply click on the box. It is then going to tell you that "Embedding disabled by request Watch on YouTube". Simply click on the link and it will open up a new window and start to play the video. I hope you enjoy.